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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm spitting !! Juvenile I know but I want a little revenge .. AIBU

130 replies

salpelly · 20/08/2023 15:52

So long story short I was dating a man (47) r a few months at the beginning of summer. He had only left a volatile relationship. Incompatibility by the sounds of it .

Anyway, he unceremoniously announced after we slept together a few times after a dates over that period that he wasn't in the right space for anything despite a few plans discussed.

It took my heart a while to accept what my head was telling me so having pushed it, I realised he was still tolerating crying and begging texts and phone calls from his ex. I posted about this.
He was feeling guilty and upset that he had hurt her.
Not so much me by all accounts, clearly.

He suggested we catch up in a few months to see if his life had settled down and we were both in the right place for something. He does have a lot of other stuff going on that would not be conducive to a relationship at the moment.

So fast forward to now, the relationship remains over and she is still terribly upset and regularly blocks/ unblocks , leaves nasty messages etc . She is however still a friend in his social media, as am I.

I was very much a secret bar his friends and a brother knowing. He is very enmeshed with his family and appears afraid of their disapproval about nearly everything.
He watches my social media but doesn't like any posts etc.

His ex comes up as a suggested friend on mine nearly every day so I reckon she has cottoned on to him having had a fling and she is having a look . We literally got together the weekend they finished which I'm sure she is curious about.
So, he is on holidays with his kids and has posted some beautiful photos of the resort I went to earlier in the year.

The bitchy part of me wants to like his post, possibly comment on it but he would be mortified as I am persona non grata, a dirty secret . HIS EX would probably go nuts. He may be annoyed with me for letting the cat out of the bag so to speak.
The nice person in me says not to stir the pot.
WWYD ... kind of light hearted here btw ...
So please don't attack me ! I'm
Still human !

And I know that living your best life is the best revenge but I'm really fucked off that I was essentially used and discarded under false pretences.

Thanks for reading if you got this far ..

OP posts:

LBFseBrom · 20/08/2023 16:10

salpelly · 20/08/2023 15:56

He used me ...very possibly for sex that's the bottom line. I am very hurt and humiliated.

That's possible but you presumably enjoyed the relationship while it lasted.

The man has been honest with you so far, he is in a difficult place which is not your problem.

I do not see the need for revenge, he didn't set out to hurt you. Some relationships are not meant to last forever, that's life.

He may contact you again when he feels more settled, he may not but you are free to meet other men. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

AngelinaFibres · 20/08/2023 16:12

Revenge is never, ever a good look.It happened,he change his mind, its done. Delete everything and make yourself move on. No good will come of anything you plan to do.

Favour237 · 20/08/2023 16:15

The only person who will be humiliated by your posting is you. They have done nothing wrong leave the poor couple alone

HeatherMoores · 20/08/2023 16:19

That’s right stir up some more drama and get even further involved!

Have nothing more to do with these people.

Your anger and humiliation is yours to get over sorry. Painful though it is. You’re better than that.

TheSoapyFrog · 20/08/2023 16:24

OP, I can tell you from experience, that the only one who will come out of that badly is you.
I know it seems like a good idea, and you want your bit of revenge, but I can guarantee you won't get the pay off you want.
He and his ex have the history, he has old friends and family on his social media, and you're a newcomer. You have no idea what he's really said about you, and he will just tell everyone you're some kind of lunatic who won't leave him alone.
I've been in a similar situation, and I really wish that I'd have had someone to talk me out of it!

Original poster

salpelly · 20/08/2023 16:24

Look I know you're all right but we had a weekend away booked , a planned shared activity and a birthday party that we were to attend together.
It just felt very cruel that one minute he was all in and the next he was in no place to develop further .
I'll leave well enough alone. I never stalked her. In fact, it took me a while to realise who she was as I'd only heard her shortend name and married name but she has a different name on her socials.

OP posts:

InSpainTheRain · 20/08/2023 16:26

I think you need to find another hobby. Move on from him, stop looking at his social media, block him on yours, delete his phone number. Find something else to do.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 20/08/2023 16:26

salpelly · 20/08/2023 15:56

He used me ...very possibly for sex that's the bottom line. I am very hurt and humiliated.

How did he use you?

You chose to have sex with him!

jlpth · 20/08/2023 16:26

Don’t do anything but do cut him out of your life. Do you need the social media that his ex is stalking you on? Can you get rid of it? Are you sure that he had actually split with her? Timing sounds off - he picks you up the instant he finishes with her??

if she’s still stalking your social media, you want to stay off her radar and not do anything to provoke her. Social media is awful.

GolgafrinchamB · 20/08/2023 16:29

So you're just pissed off because he dumped you and you want to make trouble?

Not exactly covering yourself with glory here, OP.

founddory · 20/08/2023 16:29

I think people are being harsh OP. He wasn't honest is the bottom line. He shouldn't have made plans that indicated a longevity to the relationship, that he was clearly aware he couldn't fulfil. Without those indications you likely would not have wanted sex with him. Of course it hurts, completely understandable

Theunamedcat · 20/08/2023 16:29

salpelly · 20/08/2023 16:24

He isnt worth it muly suggestion is block her (no-one likes a stalker) remove him/block him if you like but altogether move on go date enjoy yourself socialise you will forget about him faster and if he does try to reel you back in your response SHOULD be

No thank you

AlisonDonut · 20/08/2023 16:29

Good grief.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 20/08/2023 16:30

Was the sex consensual? If so I don’t think he’s done anything wrong, presumably you knew his situation, you knew he had just left relationship and knew you hadn’t known him long. Just because you have had sex doesn’t mean he owes you a long term relationship. If actually for you it is important sex only happens in a long term relationship then I guess that is a lesson learnt in terms of when you should enter into intimacy in a relationship, but in that case be annoyed at yourself for not having better boundaries rather than annoyed at him.

Sounds like you need to block both this man and his ex so they don’t come up on your social media and spend some time reflecting on what you want and expect from dating to stop yourself from feeling used from a consensual experience. You can’t expect everybody you date to want the same things as you do so if you don’t want no strings attached sex and only want sex if it’s going to lead to a long term relationship then you need to make that clear and also consider how soon into dating you should be trusting men and becoming intimate. If you spend more time getting to know your dates before becoming intimate it should hopefully weed out the ones just looking for a quick route to sex.

Perhaps it is also worth getting counselling to better understand yourself and how you act within relationships, including why you feel ‘used’ from a consensual sexual experience. Are you having sex because you want to and enjoy it or because you think you have to in order to secure the next step of a relationship? If the latter than that isn’t a healthy way to enter relationships and maybe that is something you need to work on.

CheetosCheerios · 20/08/2023 16:32

Honestly, I really think you need to move on from this guy. This is indeed juvenile and really unhealthy behaviour.

Caprisunny · 20/08/2023 16:41

What was the other thread as you posted?

I vaguely remember someone posting about meeting someone the same weekend they split with an ex. But can’t remember the subject matter, was it about was it too soon to know he was the one?

I do remember people saying it would end in tears. It was really obvious this was going to short lived and some fun. But probably wouldn’t have legs

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/08/2023 16:42

salpelly · 20/08/2023 15:56

He used me ...very possibly for sex that's the bottom line. I am very hurt and humiliated.

But what's done is done. How can any of the Social Media Revenge make up for that? or undo anything.

The strongest thing you can do now is block them both on everything which demonstrates that neither of them are important in your life. Think of it as a life lesson. Neither of them are worth your time or your thoughts.

Make a plan this afternoon of things to distract yourself, plan some nice visits or treats and watch/listen to lots of comedies. Anything to take your mind off this because you are actually hurting yourself and reliving the "humiliation" You shouldn't feel humiliated, you tried something and it didn't work out. No fault on your part. He was in a very fragile and selfish state. That's not down to you.
The good thing is that you will recognise this from a mile away next time and will be able to steer clear.

ButteryCup · 20/08/2023 16:44

Bunny boiler behaviour.

Original poster

salpelly · 20/08/2023 16:50

The sex was consensual of course !
However as the dates progressed so did the trust and intimacy. I was excited and so was he but so many things happened in and around the first couple of months for him and his family.Add to that was a very distressed ex partner who believed she was moving in with him and that a left with very little.

I know it was unsustainable, logically, and believed him when he wanted to keep contact open but in a few months to reconnect and see if there's anything there between us and if I'm not dating.

He has been in touch a few times .. just general chit chat . Perhaps he was feeling a bit guilty also. Just the odd text. The last text I shut it down by telling him to go off and enjoy his summer and his holidays and to take care . He simply responded to that with a love heart emoji .
He seemed so genuine and after a horrible lonely marriage of two decades he was a breath of fresh air ... funny, thoughtful and kind.
I'll leave well enough alone.
I deserve more I think.

OP posts:

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 20/08/2023 16:51

When I start dating someone i always keep it secret.
I would definitely keep it secret from my very recent ex who I had kids with.

You are over thinking this way too much.

He didn’t use you, you say yourself he told you several times that he wasn’t in the right headspace for a new relationship etc but you chose to accept that and carry on seeing him.

Banditqueen12 · 20/08/2023 16:51

So at no point in time did he promise you everlasting love. It was a short fling on both sides, you seem to have turned out a bit stalker-ish with all your following his social media and that of his ex, and you want revenge. In his shoes I might be looking up the number of the local police station. You are sounding unhinged. He did nothing wrong.

Original poster

salpelly · 20/08/2023 16:54

He does not have kids with his ex and I can't recall where I said he told me
Several times that he wasn't in the right space for a relationship... did I ???@Itsnotrightbutitsok

OP posts:

Mintyt · 20/08/2023 16:58

I would. Sorry but I would. It's lovely there I went last year. Have a lovely time

Blackbyrd · 20/08/2023 17:00

Harsh replies in some cases! Haven't we all dared to believe that something might work out and been very disappointed when it didn't. It's hard to always have to be wary and almost cynical and bloody annoying to realise that this is in fact the case. Forget him OP, you do deserve better and what you're tempted to do won't achieve anything

Caprisunny · 20/08/2023 17:02

So you told him to go off and enjoy his holiday. But want to use him posting a photo of his holiday to cause issues?

What do you mean by you deserve more? You got into a relationship with a man who hours previous broke up with his girlfriend who he was planning on moving in with. You knew exactly what you were getting into.

A rebound with a man who had just (literally just) ditched a long term girlfriend while making plans to move in together.

Then you seem surprised that after a few weeks of fun, he realises another relationship so soon isn’t for him and ditches you. He made a few short term plans with you. People who date, do that. They also have fun. That doesn’t mean long term commitment.

But you knew he had form for ditching women he was making big long term plans with. Who he was was right there in front of you. If you think you deserve more, be more careful about who you pick.

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