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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it uncomfortable with men staring at my DD?

147 replies

creamtogowithyourscones · 20/08/2023 11:27

She will be 16 in November and she’s already getting lots of stares from men. She’s very pretty and she looks closer to 18.

Last night we had dinner with my sister and niece and a man on the next table (who was on a date) kept glancing over trying to make eye contact.

I just want to protect her but also she’s at that age where she’s going to do what she wants.

OP posts:
Maireas · 20/08/2023 16:21

I know, @Clymene . I love being older and less visible. It's brilliant and very freeing. When I think of my teenage years and younger adulthood, I feel angry about the behaviour of men and boys. It was almost constant. I did not, ever, find it flattering.

ChevyCamaro · 20/08/2023 16:29

Obviously all straight men are going to notice pretty young girls, it's hard wired. The difference is, decent men will a) not leer and b) once they realise the girl is really young will have the grace to feel like a dirty old man and look away.
Teenage girls aren't really children at 15 but they aren't t adults either and men should leave them well alone
Men who harras and lech at young girls get the sharp end from me and the girls don't even have to be my daughters ( I have none)
It does make me feel very depressed that it falls to women to protect teens and children, and if gobby battle-axes like me weren't around men would be even worse.

Hairly · 20/08/2023 16:32

Men made me fucking sick as a teenager. I was 5’10 from 13 onwards, but I had the face of a kid and would be wearing my uniform, the looks weee constant, vile. Good on my mum she called it out and embarrassed them.

CocoC · 20/08/2023 16:33

It’s clearly totally inappropriate and I would definitely be catching the person’s eye and giving filthy looks in the restaurant example - or shouting something if a comment was actually made.
My fear about saying something if it was just inappropriate looks would be for the man to tell me I was crazy / delusional etc, as I couldn’t prove he was looking.
That being said , and maybe easier said than done as my DD is a bit younger. I always make sure what she is wearing is age appropriate and not suggestive. I don’t mean drab in any way, but not suggestive. So for instance in swimsuits she wears 1 piece suits or 2 piece suits with a larger top half (sports bra shape thing) rather than the little triangles up top. And no boob tubes / off the shoulder styles, or swimsuits that go up her bum. That sort of thing. She can wear that if she wants to, but when she is older (eg 18), not at 14 or 15.

GEC44 · 20/08/2023 16:35

I wish my parents had defended me against horrible creepy men - one well into his 80s - leering and staring at me when I was a teenager. My DM even encouraged it.

I'm now in my late 40s and pretty much invisible, but have two very pretty nieces aged 13 and 15 and have noticed men staring and leering at them. I always eyeball them back and let them know I'm onto them.

One particular old creep even lustfully looked at one of them when she was 4 when we passed in a busy town centre - my god I glared and ripped into him.

GEC44 · 20/08/2023 16:38

Hairly · 20/08/2023 16:32

Men made me fucking sick as a teenager. I was 5’10 from 13 onwards, but I had the face of a kid and would be wearing my uniform, the looks weee constant, vile. Good on my mum she called it out and embarrassed them.

Same here albeit I was a bit shorter, but my mum NEVER stuck up for me, in fact she encouraged it and in the case of a particularly notorious 52 year old man, said that 'it probably makes him feel young again'.

PurpleChrayne · 20/08/2023 16:39

No wonder identifying out of femaleness is so attractive for so many young girls and women.

JMSA · 20/08/2023 16:45

Yuk, grim. I mean, you don't mind so much when it's their peers. But a grown man? Totally unacceptable.

Blackbyrd · 20/08/2023 16:49

Well done to all of you for calling out revolting, lecherous behaviour. Keep up the good work or things will never change. Unfettered access to pornography is having terrible consequences as people increasingly seem to have no sense of shame

NewName122 · 20/08/2023 17:04

I assume he was possibly just a few years older than her seeing as you didn't ask a fully grown man why he was staring at your child.

Hairly · 20/08/2023 17:05

GEC44 · 20/08/2023 16:38

Same here albeit I was a bit shorter, but my mum NEVER stuck up for me, in fact she encouraged it and in the case of a particularly notorious 52 year old man, said that 'it probably makes him feel young again'.

Show quote history

That’s horrible!!

Jellycatspyjamas · 20/08/2023 17:36

I have a 12 year old DD and I’ve started to notice men looking at her. Not teenage boys, men in their late 20s and 30s - while she looks a bit older (maybe 14), she’s very obviously not an adult female.

I don’t do glaring, cos men don’t really notice a woman in her 50s glaring. When I catch them I do comment in a loud enough voice “shes 12, you do realise that?” without a care for who might hear or who they might be with. Men need called out on it every single time.

For my own part, I was with the kids at a local water park/activity pool. Queuing in line there was a group of 12/13 year old boys queuing behind us and one of the smacked my arse. You’ve never seen kids go as green as they did when I challenged them, and then complained to the pool attendant. The male manager asked if I wanted the police involved and explained to them in words of one syllable that the boy concerned had committed an offence before phoning their parents to collect them and to explain why they were barred.

My kids and I had an interesting, age appropriate, conversation about why I did what I did. This shit needs to stop.

Window82 · 20/08/2023 17:37

Just in an old stately home today and saw a very elderly guide ogling my 12 year old, disgusting. I had a bad feeling about him when I walked into the room; I wish I’d said something to him but just walked straight out. Wondering whether to report him.

GEC44 · 20/08/2023 17:44

Hairly · 20/08/2023 17:05

That’s horrible!!

Show quote history

Sadly completely true :(

Housebuyingfamily · 20/08/2023 17:58

ChevyCamaro · 20/08/2023 16:29

Obviously all straight men are going to notice pretty young girls, it's hard wired. The difference is, decent men will a) not leer and b) once they realise the girl is really young will have the grace to feel like a dirty old man and look away.
Teenage girls aren't really children at 15 but they aren't t adults either and men should leave them well alone
Men who harras and lech at young girls get the sharp end from me and the girls don't even have to be my daughters ( I have none)
It does make me feel very depressed that it falls to women to protect teens and children, and if gobby battle-axes like me weren't around men would be even worse.

At last an honest assessment.

The rapacious male sex drive (and preference for young women) is the only reason the human race still exists.

Beadyeyes91 · 20/08/2023 18:02

Tell men who are being very obvious about this her age "she's 16." Followed by a silent stare.

WunWun · 20/08/2023 18:06

Personally if this happened with my DD I would go for a faux innocently curious tone/expression while saying "Oh, are you a paedophile?"

Jellycatspyjamas · 20/08/2023 18:06

The rapacious male sex drive (and preference for young women) is the only reason the human race still exists.

Girls aged 10-16 aren’t young women.

Dotcheck · 20/08/2023 18:08

Screamingabdabz · 20/08/2023 11:38

I actually used to eyeball men and challenge them quite aggressively when this happened. I don’t care about men’s fragile little egos when they’re perving on my daughter. The older they were, the more vicious I would be.

Me too. Plus pointedly looking at their date/ wife/ daughter , and then back at them with a look of disgust

CinnamonJellyBeans · 20/08/2023 18:09

Great to hear from the tiger moms calling out the dirty old men. I do the same.

DD1 ignores the dirty bastards but DD2 calls them out herself.

VeronicaSawyer89 · 20/08/2023 18:10

Housebuyingfamily · 20/08/2023 17:58

At last an honest assessment.

The rapacious male sex drive (and preference for young women) is the only reason the human race still exists.

Show quote history

So do ALL straight men go after teenage girls and get them pregnant when they hit 40 then?

VeronicaSawyer89 · 20/08/2023 18:10

Jellycatspyjamas · 20/08/2023 18:06

The rapacious male sex drive (and preference for young women) is the only reason the human race still exists.

Girls aged 10-16 aren’t young women.

This!

DisquietintheRanks · 20/08/2023 18:38

enchantedsquirrelwood · 20/08/2023 16:13

No it doesn't, Men rape and kill women they leer at every day of the week The opposite is very very rarely true, although I don't like things like strippers at hen dos and the like.

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So when a woman sexually assaults a boy, you think the balance of power lies with the boy? Right then.

Comedycook · 20/08/2023 18:55

I'm absolutely convinced that a huge number of men are like this and it's only a very thin veneer of socialisation that stops them from raping and murdering on an even larger scale than currently.

Maireas · 20/08/2023 18:56

Comedycook · 20/08/2023 18:55

I'm absolutely convinced that a huge number of men are like this and it's only a very thin veneer of socialisation that stops them from raping and murdering on an even larger scale than currently.

You're right. Look at what happens in warzones. Every single time..