Maternity leave is "mundane but not hard"

[victorioussponges]

The above came from DH. AIBU to disagree with him, and if not, can you please help me articulate why?

We have a 5 week old EBF DD. We are so relieved and overjoyed that she's here but it's been a bit of a whirlwind - DD ultimately came several weeks early via EMCS after my pregnancy became high risk. We're now finding our feet at home but there have been some challenges - e.g. she seems to have developed reflux and needs to be held constantly.

DH was always keen to take as much paternity leave as possible. He loves spending time with DD and is really not enjoying his job. So I'm taking nine months and he's taking the last three, and I'll try to top up on my side with annual and unpaid leave.

He was also always upfront that he thinks whomever is on leave needs to pick up the bulk of the housework as well as looking after DD. I agreed in principle but had some reservations. DH has never been great at everyday chores - e.g. noticing when the bins/washing machine/dishwasher need to be taken out/put on - and I figured that would only get worse.

Fast forward to now and I'm starting to struggle. DD needs to be held constantly so when DH is working I'm either feeding her or holding her to sleep (and not sleeping myself). When DH finishes and can take her I'm straight onto housework that couldn't get done in the day - hanging washing that's been in the machine all day, getting food for/making dinner, tidying up. I might then have an hour or so to nap before it's onto the night shift with DD. Then the same again the next day. And as anticipated - it's not just a case of pressing go on a full dishwasher - it's first collecting all the bits that DH has left on top of rather than in it...

I was a bit tired/short with DH today and he came out with the above. I tried to explain that it wasn't mundanity as such - it's the relentlessness - but he still said he'd swap straightaway over doing his job. AIBU to feel a bit crap about it but without being able to clearly express why?

I guess by "mundane but not hard" he means that it's not "hard" like some jobs are (eg making decision, solving problems, having difficult conversations, doing something physically challenging), it's more that it's repetitive and can be boring (that's what mundane means to me)? Anyway, it's silly to argue about words. Whether it's hard, mundane, relentless - however you want to describe it - the point is that DD needed to be held all day and you weren't able to get anything else done. Make things easy for yourself - simple meals, bare minimum of housework. Catch up at the weekends when you're both around. She's only 5 weeks old, it will get easier!

You can have the last laugh when he's on leave, she's a mobile 9 month old who's into everything and he's trying to do all the housework too!

I know this always gets said on these threads, but have you tried a sling for DD so that you have two hands free?

Yeah it's relentless, knackering and can be lonely and extremely boring.

DH does need to help out now- for one thing so they don't get used to you doing everything with the baby and home and expect that when you go back to work. The person at home doesn't have to be the skivvy and with a little one housework often just has to wait. Neither of us were particularly house proud before we had kids so we certainly weren't bothered after.

When I went onto mixed feeding with DDs, DH used to take the 11pm feed which I found the hardest as I wanted to be asleep by 9.30pm. He is a bit of a night owl so found that ok. Then I didn't mind the 3am one as much as I'd got a good few hours sleep in first.

What I found hard was about 4pm onwards as DD1 in particular was nazzy after then. This is common, though I was probably over-stimulating her during the day sometimes and doing too much. So DH would often come home and find me rather frazzled.

Remember to take care of yourself. You might be sharing some of your leave but you carried the baby and you need time to recover from pregnancy and labour xx

Slings are great up to a point- I only ever carried them for an hour or so then my back had had enough, and after they were about eight months old and chunky, wriggly monkeys it was out of the question. Time to let DH have a go in sling or backpack. I couldn't use the backpack either, affected my balance too much.

He's not the one who grew another human for 9 months and then was cut open in an EMCS was he?

He should shut his pie hole about it.

And why shouldn't he be doing his fair share of household chores? If he lived alone he'd have to do all of them and work.

Your DH IBU and quite unfair. You have a 5 week old baby and you're recovering physically and mentally from a high risk pregnancy and probably a bit of a shock that your baby was early!

DH needs to help out more at home. He may well work a full-time job, but yours currently is 24/7! Looking after a baby that needs to be held all day is not easy. When my first was 5 weeks old there was no way I could get anything done around the house!

Cut yourself some slack and have a chat your your DH about it - he probably doesn't realise what having a baby alone all day is like, mine didn't until I told him how I was feeling.

Take care of yourself and also, ask for help from family and friends if you have people around you.

You can have the last laugh when he's on leave, she's a mobile 9 month old who's into everything and he's trying to do all the housework too!

That won't happen though. We all know the housework will magically become harder when he's looking after the baby. Otherwise why isn't he taking the baby in the evenings and weekends AND doing the leftover housework at the same time?

OP you need to say, 'we weren't knowledgeable before, we are now. I can't look after a reflux baby while doing all the housework in the day. We have to share'.

I think it depends a lot on your baby and h oh w much help you have. Our first was very unsettled, cried a lot, and was quite colicky. I was either feeding, pumping or cleaning. I never got to “sleep when the baby did”. I used to count the minutes until my husband was home. It is stressful, particularly with a first one. With my second, my husband got paternity leave and our childcare kicked in at the point of paternity starting. He chose to pay for childcare and not take it after seeing how hard it is. Sone people love every minute of infants, some of us find it quite stressful. You’re recovering, anxiety is normal, babies are not always delightful tiny snugglers. Explain to your husband how you feel, and what an actual day is like. Hopefully he listens and supports. And congratulations on your new baby!

Typo central 🤦‍♀️

What a load of trite. Your 'D'H is talking out of his arse.

Doing anything when you're sleep deprived is tough, let alone when you've grown and birthed a human being, and now the sole feeder! I'm on my third time EBF and it still surprises me how intense the early days are.

Also, at 5 weeks there's no routines, baby doesn't know how to nod off by themselves etc etc. it is relentless.

When it come to his three months of leave, don't let him fool you into thinking it's easy either. A 9 month old is very different to a 5 week old - I would argue much easier!

In the mean time a sling may help you during the day if baby likes to be held.

This! What was the chore split before maternity? Why is it suddenly all on the person who has to care for a tiny baby all day, recover from birth and pregnancy, and do the night feeds?

Maternity leave is mundane and boring at times but it’s also hard, especially when you’re sleep deprived and have a Velcro baby. It’s even harder approaching it the way you both are. Stop doing all the housework and rest instead, you’ll burn out. He can make dinner and put a wash on and see the bin needs doing; he just doesn’t want to.

Oh wow, a 5 week old after a c section. I honestly don't know how you are managing to do all those chores... I was almost never off the sofa and certainly wasn't cooking dinner. I was also still bleeding and needing to take it easy not to mention exhausted. Your description of relentless is quite accurate and the days so so fast because it's one thing after another and often not enough time in between to do anything else. We forked out for a cleaner to help in the earlier days and then DH did all of the cooking and house things in the evening while I did the 'witching hours' on the sofa with baby.
Is DH sharing the night shift? If not, your job is also 24h a day!
In fact, i spoke to a couple recently who had decided what whoever wasn't looking after baby in the day did the night shift as it was a more important job that the other one had and they didn't want that person to be sleep deprived. I did most of the night shifts in this house because of BF but at first DH would get up do the nappy change and then pass baby to me to feed which was helpful for recovery.
We are currently in the portion at the end when we are both off and baby is extremely mobile and it's exhausting too, but in a different way so DH will have his work cut out for him when he is off too- both me and DH are off and we still cannot keep on top of the housework 😂 baby now needs constant entertainment

Actions speak louder than words. He really needs to be left at home with a heap of housework and a fussy baby for an entire day to get the picture. Can you plan to do this on his next day off work?

I fed, changed, washed, read to and played with and cuddled my baby and did a little housework in between and got tea organised

It is what it was, cant say it was hard or easy it just was but why the need for people to turn parenting into some martyrdom sacrificial immense navel gazing epic journey

People have been having babies for thousands of years it is not rocket science

Make sure you boot him awake for every night feed when it's his turn. He's an arse but at least he's one who will get some comeuppance if you play your cards right. I'd start to drop comments about how you're so looking forward to coming home to an immaculate house and dinner on the table when it's his turn. And hearing about all the exciting things he and the baby have been up to.

You just relax the housework regime. Do a bit when baby is asleep. How do
you you think mums manage when there’s a toddler snd a new baby? Everyone minis in. DH has one week off work. Not three months. You are lucky. Plus start getting baby to sleep without being next to you. I do tend to think parenting has become far too over analysed.

minis in? Mucks in.

It’s hard because it’s mundane!

Plus start getting baby to sleep without being next to you.

Magically cure the reflux?

Not all babies are easy.

It depends on the baby completely!! And the birth recovery!

Take each day and week as it comes. Once I had recovered, my house had never been cleaner whilst on mat leave for the first 6 months. But I had a baby that predictably napped and slept through the night.

At 6 months, weaning kicked in and a lot of time was spent washing up and meal
prepping cause weaning from scratch was a passion of mine and the housework came second.

Just go with the flow and do what you feel you can, you don’t need to justify your day as long as you’re not being a lazy bum constantly while your baby watch’s tv and the house is in disarray 24-7 while DH works all day 😂😂 (disclaimer a bit of that is ok too!).

I'm really sad every time I see these threads. Why are men so uncaring?! Does he have any idea how hard recovery is from a CS? It was literally months before I was completely right as rain.

If it were me I'd keep a sort of diary of what I do in a day and talk it through with dh to explain how hard it is.

Separately, if there's any spare money, throw it at the problem. Eg: get a cleaner, get a tumble dryer, buy in some nice frozen food that you can bang in the oven.

I think if you don't get this sorted between you and your dh though, it'll create a lasting rift of resentment.

I don't think I did any housework at this stage as I had a cluster feeder. In the past more women would have had help from family to do housework but when that's not an option he needs to step up.

To make you feel better, op - both my dh and I were off when dd was born. (Dh took 6 months off work and I took 10 but the leave started at the same time). So there were two adults off work and just one baby.

We still lived in a whirlwind of sleepless chaos and a never-ending laundry carousel. Dd never slept: naps were often 7 minutes long. She screamed the house down from about 9pm to midnight every night unless she was being carried - I fell asleep with exhaustion around then and dh just used to pace around with her in his arms for literally hours and she'd sleep that way (he couldn't put her down). I'd wake up disoriented at about midnight and they'd still be at it and so I'd take over by BFing her to sleep so he could sleep a couple of hours.

Granted, things did get better around 6-9m (thank goodness as I was on leave by myself).

No no no no no. His approach is bonkers. You’ll spend your mat leave doing all the chores, then he’ll spend his paternity leave doing none of the chores, so you’ll have to do them when you get in from work.

I couldn’t tolerate a man who told me mat leave wasn’t hard - WTF does he know?!

Sit down together and divvy up the chores. Remember if he was single he’d need to be doing laundry, cleaning, cooking, bins, etc. Just because he’s working doesn’t mean he gets off with them.

Don’t let him call the shots!

Well if it's all so easy, he can help out a bit more than can't he?

It's not your fault he hates his job. Don't let him project on to you!