Maternity leave is "mundane but not hard"

[victorioussponges]

The above came from DH. AIBU to disagree with him, and if not, can you please help me articulate why?

We have a 5 week old EBF DD. We are so relieved and overjoyed that she's here but it's been a bit of a whirlwind - DD ultimately came several weeks early via EMCS after my pregnancy became high risk. We're now finding our feet at home but there have been some challenges - e.g. she seems to have developed reflux and needs to be held constantly.

DH was always keen to take as much paternity leave as possible. He loves spending time with DD and is really not enjoying his job. So I'm taking nine months and he's taking the last three, and I'll try to top up on my side with annual and unpaid leave.

He was also always upfront that he thinks whomever is on leave needs to pick up the bulk of the housework as well as looking after DD. I agreed in principle but had some reservations. DH has never been great at everyday chores - e.g. noticing when the bins/washing machine/dishwasher need to be taken out/put on - and I figured that would only get worse.

Fast forward to now and I'm starting to struggle. DD needs to be held constantly so when DH is working I'm either feeding her or holding her to sleep (and not sleeping myself). When DH finishes and can take her I'm straight onto housework that couldn't get done in the day - hanging washing that's been in the machine all day, getting food for/making dinner, tidying up. I might then have an hour or so to nap before it's onto the night shift with DD. Then the same again the next day. And as anticipated - it's not just a case of pressing go on a full dishwasher - it's first collecting all the bits that DH has left on top of rather than in it...

I was a bit tired/short with DH today and he came out with the above. I tried to explain that it wasn't mundanity as such - it's the relentlessness - but he still said he'd swap straightaway over doing his job. AIBU to feel a bit crap about it but without being able to clearly express why?

Posted early...

Undiagnosed preeclampsia.

She was a tiny 4lb 6oz and also developed reflux a few weeks in before she could cough so would hold her breath and go blue...which meant we had to hold her most of the time given the frequency of her tiny feeds.

It's relentless!
I remember feeling so isolated from these other Mums who could get stuff done during nap times, or pop baby in the pram and enjoy a walk!
Our days looked as you described...he'd come home and I'd crack straight on with chores. Endlessly!

Here's the hope though...she's now seven months and life is so much better! Has been for a while.
Once the feeds get further apart so you can actually put baby down before the end of the nap, and some omeprazole and early weaning helped too, life feels like a total breeze comparatively!
I'm back at work three days a week now and my husband takes leave for childcare whilst I work, so he gets the mundane/stagnant days, but he appreciates how much worse it was when we were in the always holding/always anxious phase.

Better days are coming!

I think your husband was being unfair here for sure especially at 5 weeks breastfeeding with a prem baby with reflux, although I note this was said after you were short with him and I guess we all say things we don’t really mean when we’re arguing...

However for me my work (in a notoriously high stress profession) has genuinely always been a billion times harder than being at home with my child and I too would take maternity leave over my job anyway so this may also be a valid point of view, although I gather from threads on here that I’m in the minority with this one!

Your husband is a knob. Physically and emotionally, you've had a huge shift and looking after baby is a full time gig. Especially at that age and especially when they do need to be held and upright. He should be stepping up. I'd also be hesitant giving the last three months to husband in leave. As they age and things start getting more enjoyable, you're then starting to worry about leaving baby and returning to work and as baby is ebf, worrying about supply and pumping. If you want to go back to work, cool - thankful for shared pp. But if you have reservations, say them clearly now. You've earned your mat leave.

I'd forgotten the flakiness @spitefulandbadgrammar so thanks for that. She smelled good though, because the cure for the flaky head was lemon oil and a toothbrush. Plus jaundice so she was orange. Looked like a pumpkin, smelled like a lemon.

Same. Even the terrible teens are better than the unbearable newborn screaming stage

Your body is recovering and you have also grown a baby for 9 months. He should be doing more around the house while you recover. He doesn’t sound great and if he hates his job so much he can find a new one.

It depends so much on the baby, not the mother or their parenting skills. For some mothers, maternity leave will almost break them. For others, it's a walk in the park

DD needs to be held constantly I'd probably try to work on that, TBH. When my DS was tiny, I made a throwaway comment that, if he had older siblings, he would sometimes have to wait a couple of minutes for attention eg if older sibling was in the bath

This became my mantra. When DS cried, I waited 2 minutes. If he didn't settle, I picked him up. But it was absolutely astonishing how often he settled himself within 2 minutes and I cannot accept that waiting 2 mins was excessive

He has no clue. 5 weeks is full on, plus ebf and a c section to heal from. And potentially reflux in the mix too. Don’t over do it, please ask for help

So you have had 6 babies and you still think every newborn baby is the same @VeterinaryCareAssistant? Or that every mother's experience is the same as yours?

Oh sorry, you said you don't think they're all the same but you maintain this is the best bit of motherhood?

I still don't understand

I wonder if the 6 kids know that no matter what they do, no matter what they achieve in life the best bit of their life, according to their mother, was before they could walk and talk. That the best part of mothering them was over before they were one

That's incredibly sad really

Well, I'm actually quite enjoying watching my children grow and develop and having the emotional and physical energy to support that now that the baby is 11 months and starting to sleep through, is developing stronger attachment to his dad now that I'm done EBF...
I would not return to the newborn fog of no sleep, no fun, no energy, bleeding, engorged boobs ruining my sleep if DS did happen to sleep for alonger stretch....
Although I did enjoy my snuggles in bed with baby as DH kept me in tea and snacks and dealt with the housework . I imagine I'd enjoy it considerably less in OPs shoes.

Yeah it's relentless, knackering and can be lonely and extremely boring.

This. But I didn't find it hard at all and I have twins in the mix. But what I do have is a challenging pressured high responsibility job so yes in comparison to that maternity leave - or any time spent with my children for that matter is a breeze

@Clymene @Insommmmnia

Yes, I maintain it's the best bit of motherhood. You never get the time back when they're tiny, you just want to enjoy every second of it. Being awake at night just the baby and you is precious, yes you're tired but it's precious time where you can bond and soak in every detail of the baby.

And my children are now 15, 18, 21, 25, 26 and 27 and I'm proud of them and we're all very close, but they know I love babies. I adore my two grandchildren and have a third grandchild due in February. I've been crocheting like mad.

Just me that was screaming into a pillow, beside myself with exhaustion then? 😁

I find that incredibly sad. I get it works for you and you are all close but I honestly find it incredibly sad for your children that the best bit of their entire lives with you, for you, is a bit they can't even remember

Of course it is easier for him because he didn't give birth and now try to recover and breastfeed while doing housework and try to eat and take shower etc.

Personally my best bit so far has been having teens! They're fantastic. Kids one minute, adults the next, funny, wise, dim as fuck, self aware, and no one there.

And I love babies too.

Which time is the best is intensely personal. A lot of people really can't be bothered with new borns, but love the toddlers.

And it's very dependent on what support you have, what resources you have, what challenges you have, what challenges your baby has. . .

The bit where they aren't discrete individuals with hopes, dreams and wants. The bit where they are essentially just an extension of you.

I loved when DD started to assert her own personality and desires. It's challenging and interesting. Even when you totally disagree!

Maybe ask him if he'd like to be solely responsible for a crying, pooping, hungry, non verbal human being who can't walk, doesn't sleep through and only eats from your breasts.... all while recovering from major abdominal surgery that saw seven layers of flesh and organs cut open, moved around and sewed back up.

Maybe that would make him see it's hard.

Your husband needs to get real. You're still in recovery yourself! I think its extremely difficult to get household chores done with a baby. They either need holding, feeding, changing or entertaining. All this is higher priority than cleaning up after someone who's only been working for 8 hours with a peaceful lunch break and the ability to pee whenever they want.

You are probably feeding or contact napping or changing nappies for more hours that your partner is working per day.
If you're ebf the other partner is your chef and waiter. That's the rules!