Maternity leave is "mundane but not hard"

[victorioussponges]

The above came from DH. AIBU to disagree with him, and if not, can you please help me articulate why?

We have a 5 week old EBF DD. We are so relieved and overjoyed that she's here but it's been a bit of a whirlwind - DD ultimately came several weeks early via EMCS after my pregnancy became high risk. We're now finding our feet at home but there have been some challenges - e.g. she seems to have developed reflux and needs to be held constantly.

DH was always keen to take as much paternity leave as possible. He loves spending time with DD and is really not enjoying his job. So I'm taking nine months and he's taking the last three, and I'll try to top up on my side with annual and unpaid leave.

He was also always upfront that he thinks whomever is on leave needs to pick up the bulk of the housework as well as looking after DD. I agreed in principle but had some reservations. DH has never been great at everyday chores - e.g. noticing when the bins/washing machine/dishwasher need to be taken out/put on - and I figured that would only get worse.

Fast forward to now and I'm starting to struggle. DD needs to be held constantly so when DH is working I'm either feeding her or holding her to sleep (and not sleeping myself). When DH finishes and can take her I'm straight onto housework that couldn't get done in the day - hanging washing that's been in the machine all day, getting food for/making dinner, tidying up. I might then have an hour or so to nap before it's onto the night shift with DD. Then the same again the next day. And as anticipated - it's not just a case of pressing go on a full dishwasher - it's first collecting all the bits that DH has left on top of rather than in it...

I was a bit tired/short with DH today and he came out with the above. I tried to explain that it wasn't mundanity as such - it's the relentlessness - but he still said he'd swap straightaway over doing his job. AIBU to feel a bit crap about it but without being able to clearly express why?

The issue here in your DH and his job, not you.

Over the year or whatever of Mat Leave, I agree with your DH to an extent about Mat leave not being super hard and it being a bit dull, BUT:

1. Your baby is tiny, and you are in the absolute thick of it. Things are not easy at the moment.
2. Mat leave is bascially a job. It's caring for a tiny baby. That is your priority, not picking up your DH's slack, or becoming your DH's personal house keeper. Espeically in the early days, nothing gets done except looking after the baby and yourself. As baby gets easier, maybe you will have time to get more done, but that doesn't change the priorities.
3. even if you could do everything, doesn't mean you should. Your DH still needs to pull his weight.

On both my mat leaves, nothing at all got done in the beginning in terms of housework, except maybe a wash or two. As I got more into the swing of things with both babies it got easier and I would pick more up, but still there were days where nothing happened other than keeping myself and my kids happy. I had a cleaner through out both maternity leaves despite the drop in income, because that was really not an area I was prepared to prioritise.

I think the mundane comment really angers me. Yes it is bloody boring at times, usually because you're so completely knackered, but child development is nor boring or mundane. What you're doing is building a relationship with your baby, a relationship that will be the basis of their entire life. You're having to work harder and exercise more patience than seems humanly possible at times and all he can do is undermine you and leave you unsupported.

Tell me at least that his mother or your mother is some kind of help to you.

The health visitor told me and my partner early on that we would need to agree what would "slide" around the house in those early weeks as getting it all done single handedly is setting yourself up for failure and puts too much pressure on an already fragile mother! Initially we let meals slide and ended up eating quick easy meals or takeaways instead.

My baby is 13 weeks old now and things have got a lot easier than those first 8/9 weeks! I can let her play independently on her play mat while I hoover etc there was no way I could put her down while she was awake only a few weeks ago!

I still have days where I feel like I'm trapped on the sofa with a list of things to do (EBF too!) but they are less. If you feel like your partner is dismissive of all you do, remind him of it. Let him take the baby for an afternoon and ask him to clean the house while he's at it 😂

@victorioussponges your DH is horrible. At 5 weeks my DH was doing EVERYTHING for me and baby while I recovered from c section and focused on the baby. Sounds like he thinks this baby is his golden ticket to being a lazy sod.

So hang on, he is comparing you recovering from an EMCS, doing EBF and looking after a newborn to him looking after a 9 to 12 month toddler & reckons you can do the same amount of housework at both stages? I think anyone with an ounce of common sense would realise the other parents needs to pitch in more at the earlier stages.

Unless you already had back issues then it would be the type of sling or how you are wearing it. You can use a wrap or structured carrier and the weight is on your hips not back. A ring sling would have an older baby sat on your hip, or swung around to your back but their legs around you.

Absolutely- this is why the idea "he'll change his tune when it's his turn" is small consolation. By then the baby will be easier and more fun, crawling and playing, and will (hopefully) have some nap routine thanks to all op's groundwork.

I'm just so thankful for my dh when I read these threads, and it's not just on MN, I have friends going through similar IRL. It makes me rage.

Infuriating, I don't know where to begin.

You're still recovering from pregnancy and childbirth. The baby is only 5 weeks and unsettled!

When he takes over presumably she will be a lot hardier, the reflux will be gone, and she'll be in a napping routine that will give him reliable breaks.

He also doesn't have a 10cm incision along his abdomen or the pressure to produce all the food from his body.

What a prince, telling you you have it easy and expecting you to do all the chores.

You have a newborn, he should be genuinely pitching in now, while things are hard.

That's a typical response from someone who isn't actually doing the job! Your body and emotions are also recovering post-birth (which his aren't).

When it comes to his turn to take over, baby will be older, into a routine (hopefully), and a lot more sociable. So, he'll have missed the hardest bit either way.

He sounds ignorant!

You have a tiny 5 week old EBF baby and are recovering from a c - section! You should be focusing on yourself and your baby only, housework should be way down the list of priorities. Your DH sounds selfish and very rigid in his expectations of who does what.

Oh OP. I'm sending you a big hug. Having a 5 week old baby is hard. I found it hard, and I didn't have a c section or a reflux baby! It's intense and relentless!
I don't want to sound like this is a pile on, but we were surviving on cook meals almost exclusively at 5 weeks, the only person who did the dishwasher was my lovely mum and luckily my nesting phase pre birth meant we started parenthood with a clean house but it was probably quite grim by 5 weeks 🤣

DH never expected me to get any housework done (also EBF) some days I managed a bit, some days it was worse when he got home than when he left for work 🤷‍♀️

I hope you are able to discuss this with him, for your own sanity. Does he not believe you when you say it's all impossible? How he feels about his job just isn't relevant here.

Your husband is a dick. You’ve just had major abdominal surgery. That in itself means you shouldn’t be doing the bulk or much of the housework. And better we factor in looking after a new born and sleep deprivation. I was told not to lift anything heavier than my baby for 6 weeks. Did physio give you a list of what you can do when?

I can’t get past him expecting you to look after a tiny baby and do all the housework whilst recovering from surgery. Mundane but not hard my arse. It’s not too late to ltb you know.

When he’s at work the baby should be her responsibility. Not the housework. And the rest of the time it shouldn’t be 50/50: only one of them has had major surgery, huge hormonal changes, broken sleep, and if breastfeeding the enormous energy and thirst that takes to establish. The first few weeks, for both of my children, I did the babies, DP did everything else. Dinners, washing up, food shop, bins, tidying, laundry, bringing me the 9,000 calories I needed.

We gradually restored the balance once the baby got easier. But still on the basis that I would be going back to work, so there was no point me doing more than 50% during maternity leave, as I’d only have to hand those chores back at the end, and it’s nice to actually enjoy maternity leave with walks, baby classes, time with your baby, Vs hoovering just because you’re at home.

Thank you, all - I really appreciate the range of views, and some fantastic analogies in there that really resonate (@Luckydog7and @ArcticSkewer to name a couple).

With the chores I think part of the issue is I have a lower tolerance for letting things pile up, in the knowledge that it will still need to get done at some later point (when it will take longer). We had this pre-baby when we both worked long hours. I'm sure if I told him I was struggling to do it all now he'd say to leave it until the weekend when he could take DD. But meanwhile sitting all day/night with a refluxy baby in a tip of a house would be no fun.

I do wonder whether we both would feel slightly different about things if my company offered more than statutory maternity pay. That leaves us reliant on his salary and seems to reinforce the idea that mat leave isn't really equivalent to actual work. Also makes things feel more precarious - i.e. I need to do what I can to support his work as it's our only source of income.

To those who suggested baby wearing - thanks for the encouragement on this. I'm very keen but DD is still generally below the minimum weight/size for the carriers I've looked at. She's gaining all the time though (fingers crossed). The magic number seems to be around 7lb so once we're there will crack on.

If your husband is a reader it might be worth getting hold of this book https://www.amazon.co.uk/What-Mothers-Do-especially-nothing/dp/0749926201

Gives an insight into the often invisible work of bonding and caring that mothers do on top of all the more obvious physical work. Might make him appreciate your role more.

And when I say "lower tolerance" I mean than him - I'm no cleaning goddess for sure!

Is he kind in other ways? Based just on this he sounds selfish- he should be telling you to focus on the baby at this stage and he will tidy up when he comes home.

is he getting up with the baby at all in the night at the weekends? its really important to try and catch up on some rest at the weekends if you can. please dont fall into the trap of you doing all the housework because your OH doesnt "see " it or prioritise it....if you know you have a lower tolerance, either that needs to be discussed with him or you try to cut yourself some slack....women are notorious for trying to do it all and if you are returning to full time work theres a high likelihood you will end up doing the majority , so perhaps try and discuss how he sees the division of labour in the future....what will happen when the child is sick ,who is going to take time off work to look after them? those are good conversations to have over the next few months but please be compassionate to yourself and your husband...its a highly stressful time and the first few years of a first baby can bring up a lot of marriage challenges neither of you may have anticipated.

Another twit who doesn't understand that maternity leave is to facilitate the care of babies (and recovery for their mothers). It is not lazy husband leave.
It's too hard for him to place his dishes in the dishwasher but he expects to be doing it all 5 weeks post section?
Not enough eye rolls 🙄

What a mean man.
Recovering and establishing breastfeeding is hard work. At 5 weeks i was so sore still from an episiotomy.

It is the sleep deprivation that is the hardest bit. People who have never been properly sleep deprived (and by that I mean for weeks and weeks on end) have no idea how hard it actually is to keep on going and doing anything when you have not had anywhere near enough sleep.

Agree. 5 weeks old is so Tiny and you are absolutely shattered while recovering. Not all babies sleep at long stretches m. I have 2 that slept for an hour then wakes and then it got shorter. Fortunately my dh isn't a useless one and I would have never enabled that as well. He never expected me to do anything else except care for the baby. He gets in from work and does whatever needs doing.

I am fairly certain that if he was 5 weeks post major surgery with an added bout of insomnia sleep depriving him he would not be doing the housework to "support your work as the only income" because he was on SSP.

Honestly I think it's utterly disgusting that the only two options you seem to have from him are do the housework in the evening, or at the weekend. Meanwhile he's treating you like a glorified skivvy scattering his things around expecting you to pick them up.

He's not very kind, or thoughtful or caring is he.

@victorioussponges you can carry in a stretchy wrap from below 7lbs - get in touch with your local sling library for some support, we help with tiny babies all the time and are trained to support outside of manufacturer instructions where necessary. www.slingpages.co.uk