Page 5 | Maternity leave is "mundane but not hard"

HettyMeg · 20/08/2023 14:38

Also just to add I can't believe you're managing to get so much done anyway - when my ebf DD was 5 weeks old I struggled to do any housework or cooking and I hadn't had a c section. Husband shouldered the housework load and we relied heavily on easy to heat up dinners (would recommend). Take care.

ButterCrackers · 20/08/2023 14:38

How about he gives it go to partially look after the baby from Friday evening to Monday morning when he leaves for paid employment. I’m assuming he’s Monday to Friday at work but adjust to fit his days off. You are ebf so he can do housework whilst you are breastfeeding be it night or day. As soon as your baby has fed you give her to your dh night and day. He mustn’t sleep or rest whilst you bf. Let’s see what he thinks after just over 48hours of that. You can rest whilst he looks after the baby. You can schedule in lunch breaks and going out for a walk.

Clymene · 20/08/2023 14:43

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 20/08/2023 14:35

I agree with your husband (sorry!). In my opinion the new baby stage is the best and easiest part.

Was your baby delivered early via emergency c section? Did you breastfeed? Did your baby have reflux and cry every single time you tried to put them down?

I know this might come as a shock but not all babies are the same.

CandyLeBonBon · 20/08/2023 14:45

What does he mean by 'hard'? The word is subjective and personal, surely? An able bodied person with no mobility issue won't consider walking hard. I've got grade 4 osteoarthritis in both knees and find walking 'hard'.

If he's not had a human cut out of his body, and had his sleep drastically and chronically affected, whilst still having to keep said human alive with little to no understanding of what will work and what won't, plus trying to function as a person independently of their baby and trying to pursue life habits that you had pre baby, which now don't work for you, then he really needs to wind his bloody neck in.

Same as someone who can walk with ease telling me walking isn't hard.

ConsuelaHammock · 20/08/2023 14:54

Get a baby swing and try to get more done during the day. Ebf is extremely knackering so you need to be able to rest when your husband gets home. Hand him the baby and go and lie down. He can cook an evening meal a few nights a week too.

Mariposa26 · 20/08/2023 14:56

How many children has your DH given birth to and how much maternity leave has he taken?

Backagain23 · 20/08/2023 15:11

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 20/08/2023 14:35

I agree with your husband (sorry!). In my opinion the new baby stage is the best and easiest part.

Don't listen to this, OP!
No, the part where you are swollen and bleeding and working round the clock to look after your baby is not as good as motherhood gets, don't worry!

aloris · 20/08/2023 15:17

He's an idiot. Months 0-3 are looking after a newborn who is up every 1.5 hours, round the clock. Months 9-12 are looking after a huge baby who can sleep at minimum 5 hours at a time, may even be sleeping through the night, can probably roll over in both directions, likely won't have reflux, and will be able to interact and play with some toys, giggle, and learn to understand words. The person doing maternity leave from 0-3 months needs help and cannot be expected to do all housework in addition to caring for a newborn.

Why are men idiots? Really. Why?

aloris · 20/08/2023 15:23

Oh yeah, forgot about that. Looking after a newborn when you've just gone through childbirth is totally different than a healthy man looking after a nine month old.

Your husband is a double idiot.

surreygirl1987 · 20/08/2023 15:30

I found mat leave really hard. I have a PhD but mat leave was waaaaaay harder than that.

Daydreamer123456 · 20/08/2023 15:35

This was the experience for ME.

However, I would never say this is the general rule as I appreciate I seem to have been quite lucky with ‘easy’ babies, particularly my first.

Also, I don’t think someone who hasn’t experienced it has the right to comment with a statement like this.

Even though this was my experience, it would get my back up if someone said this to me.

Jadeywithababy · 20/08/2023 16:05

To be honest I don’t even know that I agree that the 4th trimester is “mundane” - I get that comment for when baby’s a bit older and you know what you’re doing, it can definitely start to feel a bit samey, but in those first weeks there’s so much to learn about looking after a newborn and between the sleep deprivation and hormones I found it pretty overwhelming. It’s certainly not easy as everyone else has already pointed out, and I was like you, stuck under my baby all day while he contact napped and cluster fed. My husband and mum did literally all the housework and there were days after my husband went back to work when I couldn’t even make myself lunch let alone do chores! Like you, I had an EMCS and my wound was so sore I physically couldn’t wear baby in a sling because of where the straps sat and even getting up from the sofa was painful. I’m in awe of how much you’re managing to do and hope it won’t affect your wound healing down the line. My cousin still has chronic pain from hers from overdoing it early on.

Coolblur · 20/08/2023 16:17

He doesn't know what he's talking about! He should be supporting and listening to you, not belittling your experience.
Maternity leave is hard for many, many mums. It is the relentless nature of the things you have to do day in day out, often with very little sleep or a decent break from it all that makes it so, not the actual tasks you are doing.
I found some mums even feed into this narrative; that they were bored and it was easy. Either they were the competitive type who didn't want to admit they found it hard, or they had a lot of family help so actually had a totally different experience to those who didn't have that support.

Your DH has no idea what maternity leave is really like and he never will. Don't forget this comment but take charge and tell him what he has to do to help make it less 'mundane' easier for you. If he really cares about you he'll stop the 'I'd swap with you in a heartbeat' chat and help you like a supportive husband should.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 20/08/2023 17:26

Backagain23 · 20/08/2023 15:11

Don't listen to this, OP!
No, the part where you are swollen and bleeding and working round the clock to look after your baby is not as good as motherhood gets, don't worry!

Show quote history

Why?
Does it get better when they do proper poos that go up their back and you have to bath them and dress them yet again?
Is it better when turn their head away during feeding time because they want to feed themselves and ultimately get it everywhere?
Is it better when they're mobile and you need eyes in the back of your head?
Is it better when you have to do the preschool then the school run day after day after day?
Is it better when they have friendship dramas regularly?
Is it better when you have to hear "Mum, watch this!" multiple times a day?
Is it better when you need to be a taxi service for their never ending social lives?

Or is that time with the beautiful little newborn, with that beautiful smell and little lamb cry suddenly the easiest part?

Clymene · 20/08/2023 17:30

@VeterinaryCareAssistant

Yes

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 20/08/2023 18:07

Clymene · 20/08/2023 14:43

Was your baby delivered early via emergency c section? Did you breastfeed? Did your baby have reflux and cry every single time you tried to put them down?

I know this might come as a shock but not all babies are the same.

Show quote history

I know all babies aren't the same, I've had 6.

Fivethirtyeight · 20/08/2023 18:37

I counted down the quarter hours to bedtime every day.

Going back to work was a rest.

Simply making enough milk for a hungry child was more than my body could handle daily. Eating loads and losing weight. Think how much manual labour you would need to do to achieve that. And all whilst being up twice every night.

I don’t know why people think there is a connection between hard work and income.

It strikes me that the most exhausting, difficult jobs are the lowest paid.

Dont worry. In a year it will be fine.

For number two I got a baby gym and a Bumbo. Life savers.

Fivethirtyeight · 20/08/2023 18:39

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 20/08/2023 17:26

Why?
Does it get better when they do proper poos that go up their back and you have to bath them and dress them yet again?
Is it better when turn their head away during feeding time because they want to feed themselves and ultimately get it everywhere?
Is it better when they're mobile and you need eyes in the back of your head?
Is it better when you have to do the preschool then the school run day after day after day?
Is it better when they have friendship dramas regularly?
Is it better when you have to hear "Mum, watch this!" multiple times a day?
Is it better when you need to be a taxi service for their never ending social lives?

Or is that time with the beautiful little newborn, with that beautiful smell and little lamb cry suddenly the easiest part?

Show quote history

Yes. All those things are much easier than having an infant under one.

Jadeywithababy · 20/08/2023 19:00

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 20/08/2023 17:26

Why?
Does it get better when they do proper poos that go up their back and you have to bath them and dress them yet again?
Is it better when turn their head away during feeding time because they want to feed themselves and ultimately get it everywhere?
Is it better when they're mobile and you need eyes in the back of your head?
Is it better when you have to do the preschool then the school run day after day after day?
Is it better when they have friendship dramas regularly?
Is it better when you have to hear "Mum, watch this!" multiple times a day?
Is it better when you need to be a taxi service for their never ending social lives?

Or is that time with the beautiful little newborn, with that beautiful smell and little lamb cry suddenly the easiest part?

Show quote history

Everyone will enjoy and struggle with different things. For me, I’m enjoying my baby more and more the older he gets because his beautiful personality is now shining through.

Didimum · 20/08/2023 19:01

How would he know? He hasn’t done it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/08/2023 19:04

Or is that time with the beautiful little newborn, with that beautiful smell and little lamb cry suddenly the easiest part?

What cobblers. My 12 yo is a delight. An utter delight. I hated the baby phase. Every single bit has been easier than that. And more fun and better.

Mummy08m · 20/08/2023 19:07

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 20/08/2023 17:26

Why?
Does it get better when they do proper poos that go up their back and you have to bath them and dress them yet again?
Is it better when turn their head away during feeding time because they want to feed themselves and ultimately get it everywhere?
Is it better when they're mobile and you need eyes in the back of your head?
Is it better when you have to do the preschool then the school run day after day after day?
Is it better when they have friendship dramas regularly?
Is it better when you have to hear "Mum, watch this!" multiple times a day?
Is it better when you need to be a taxi service for their never ending social lives?

Or is that time with the beautiful little newborn, with that beautiful smell and little lamb cry suddenly the easiest part?

Show quote history

For me, literally every month has been easier than the last. I know my dd is only 3 but up till now, it has literally got easier every month. The worst part being late pregnancy and the first month after EMCS.

It's easier when they can support their own heads. When they learn to crawl. To talk. To walk. To reason. To chat. Everything continually gets easier!!

spitefulandbadgrammar · 20/08/2023 19:11

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/08/2023 19:04

Or is that time with the beautiful little newborn, with that beautiful smell and little lamb cry suddenly the easiest part?

What cobblers. My 12 yo is a delight. An utter delight. I hated the baby phase. Every single bit has been easier than that. And more fun and better.

Also, what beautiful little newborn? Bright red and screaming and flakier than a croissant. Didn’t spend a lot of time sniffing her head, too busy crying, also there was sick everywhere. Hated baths. She’s much nicer to smell now.

Shadowchaser · 20/08/2023 19:14

I have 3 and to be honest didn’t find maternity leave hard. More painfully boring.

I would have killed my husband for saying it’s easy though just because at the time I was annoyed he got to go to work and do normal things while I was stuck at home!

botleybump · 20/08/2023 19:15

victorioussponges · 20/08/2023 05:02

The above came from DH. AIBU to disagree with him, and if not, can you please help me articulate why?

We have a 5 week old EBF DD. We are so relieved and overjoyed that she's here but it's been a bit of a whirlwind - DD ultimately came several weeks early via EMCS after my pregnancy became high risk. We're now finding our feet at home but there have been some challenges - e.g. she seems to have developed reflux and needs to be held constantly.

DH was always keen to take as much paternity leave as possible. He loves spending time with DD and is really not enjoying his job. So I'm taking nine months and he's taking the last three, and I'll try to top up on my side with annual and unpaid leave.

He was also always upfront that he thinks whomever is on leave needs to pick up the bulk of the housework as well as looking after DD. I agreed in principle but had some reservations. DH has never been great at everyday chores - e.g. noticing when the bins/washing machine/dishwasher need to be taken out/put on - and I figured that would only get worse.

Fast forward to now and I'm starting to struggle. DD needs to be held constantly so when DH is working I'm either feeding her or holding her to sleep (and not sleeping myself). When DH finishes and can take her I'm straight onto housework that couldn't get done in the day - hanging washing that's been in the machine all day, getting food for/making dinner, tidying up. I might then have an hour or so to nap before it's onto the night shift with DD. Then the same again the next day. And as anticipated - it's not just a case of pressing go on a full dishwasher - it's first collecting all the bits that DH has left on top of rather than in it...

I was a bit tired/short with DH today and he came out with the above. I tried to explain that it wasn't mundanity as such - it's the relentlessness - but he still said he'd swap straightaway over doing his job. AIBU to feel a bit crap about it but without being able to clearly express why?

Hey,

I can't help much with the husband issue as mine was regularly telling people how the first six months of leave are so much harder than work!

However, your story is very similar to mine! LG born 5 weeks early in Jan via EMCS as neither of us were doing well due to undiagnosed