Maternity leave is "mundane but not hard"

[victorioussponges]

The above came from DH. AIBU to disagree with him, and if not, can you please help me articulate why?

We have a 5 week old EBF DD. We are so relieved and overjoyed that she's here but it's been a bit of a whirlwind - DD ultimately came several weeks early via EMCS after my pregnancy became high risk. We're now finding our feet at home but there have been some challenges - e.g. she seems to have developed reflux and needs to be held constantly.

DH was always keen to take as much paternity leave as possible. He loves spending time with DD and is really not enjoying his job. So I'm taking nine months and he's taking the last three, and I'll try to top up on my side with annual and unpaid leave.

He was also always upfront that he thinks whomever is on leave needs to pick up the bulk of the housework as well as looking after DD. I agreed in principle but had some reservations. DH has never been great at everyday chores - e.g. noticing when the bins/washing machine/dishwasher need to be taken out/put on - and I figured that would only get worse.

Fast forward to now and I'm starting to struggle. DD needs to be held constantly so when DH is working I'm either feeding her or holding her to sleep (and not sleeping myself). When DH finishes and can take her I'm straight onto housework that couldn't get done in the day - hanging washing that's been in the machine all day, getting food for/making dinner, tidying up. I might then have an hour or so to nap before it's onto the night shift with DD. Then the same again the next day. And as anticipated - it's not just a case of pressing go on a full dishwasher - it's first collecting all the bits that DH has left on top of rather than in it...

I was a bit tired/short with DH today and he came out with the above. I tried to explain that it wasn't mundanity as such - it's the relentlessness - but he still said he'd swap straightaway over doing his job. AIBU to feel a bit crap about it but without being able to clearly express why?

God you've just gestated a baby, you're feeding her from your body and are recovering from major surgery. Your twat of a husband should be treating you like a queen, picking up the slack and never have to be reminded to put his shit in the dishwasher.

I only have one, never had the stress of wrangling a baby and other kids, but yes- I found Mat leave easy. Only responsibility was baby first, me second and house third (during the day) my daughter only did short naps, but t wasn't something I was bothered by. I always was able to grab a shower, and we did plenty of outdoor walks and met up with friends. Some people have a rough go- no doubt, but also a lot of women with a first have a pretty good time.

Sorry OP no time to read the thread, but: I have a demanding job which these days is combined with two small DC.

None of that compared to the difficulty of a 5 week old ebf baby who refused to be put down. You're in a horrendous stage now and if he can't open his eyes to see that I'd be having words. Work is a holiday by comparison.

I'm sure if I told him I was struggling to do it all now he'd say to leave it until the weekend when he could take DD.

Or, y'know, maybe he could do a bit of housework himself at the weekend or in the evenings? Rather than getting to play with the baby (but not do any feeding or nights) while you clean up after him because he conveniently doesn't see mess.

Not hard eh? How the fuck would he know?

Nip this in the bud now before you run yourself into the ground. You have a tiny baby and a body that's still recovering from the birth. If you can't get much done in the house during the day then your "D"H needs to step up. Having someone at home doesn't mean doing nothing after work. Why should your job be 24/7?

Is it definitely reflux with the baby though? We thought this with our 2nd but it was actually CMPA. He was SO much easier once I cut milk out... and then soya.

I think it depends on your job before mat leave. It was harder with 2, especially my velcro 2nd baby, but still not harder than work. Definitely agree with mundane though. The hours of standing in parks, bored shitless, or playing cars or whatever. Felt like my brain slowed right down.

I know you made up that he’d say leave it to the weekend when he’d take DD, but that’s still not a solution that gives you a break – it still makes the housework your work, not his, and almost like he’ll do you a favour taking his daughter.

You need to radically reframe what maternity leave is for: you made a human! With your body! And got that human out of your body! You have to simultaneously recover from the hugeness of that while taking care of a tiny helpless baby. He should be moving heaven and earth to facilitate that.

What does he do in the evenings? Does he take DD for a block of time so you can sleep deeply for four hours to survive the night? Or does she settle for a decent chunk of time so you can sleep anyway, in which case he can: throw a load of laundry in, put the last lot in the dryer and the clean pile away; tidy and clean; prep dinner for the next day. Before leaving for work he could put dinner in a slow cooker and make you a packed lunch to eat – DP used to do this on his office days and it made the world of difference to just be able to grab lunch at whatever random time I could. He could be stocking the freezer with “eat one-handed” ready meals like shepherds pie (frozen from Cook or homemade), washing up, stacking the dishwasher, taking the bins out, all of the things we all have to do in the evenings when we work.

Get it sorted now because while the baby will get easier in terms of the crying and not being put down, the weaning part is relentless in terms of meal prep and cleaning the high chair and fitting it all around milk feeds and naps and playtime; trying to do it with nothing but dirty dishes and things stacked on top of the dishwasher and piles of mess and laundry is much much harder and, as you say, depressing and makes everything feel worse.

I kind of know where he is coming from. I don't think I ever found looking after dd "hard" in comparison to my job, which was mentally and emotionally very demanding. However, looking after a newborn/tiny baby was utterly relentless in the way that my job wasn't, and that in itself was incredibly draining in those first few months.

I don't think it's fair for the person at home to do the housework - unlike many on here, I do think SAHPs of slightly older children should be prepared to pick up the bulk of the domestic load, but with a 5 week old baby, that just isn't reasonable and he needs to be pulling his weight.

Most men are clueless on this as never experience being a full time dad. Be great if you could just disappear for a weekend he would be begging for you back

Aalso what happens if she's still feeding through the night at 9 months which is highly likely?

wrap around carriers. You can carry baby on your back while you do anything, or on your front but then they are in the way more.
sljngs only hurt your back if you have the wrong one (do NOT get a baby bjorn) or have tied it too loose. Look online for advise,

You're doing everything at home and with the baby. He's doing the same job he did anyway, but avoiding doing anything at home. He is making you feel guilty because your maternity pay is rubbish. What an absolute tool.

5 weeks ago, you were sliced halfway through and a baby taken out. Having been growing that baby for the previous 9ish months.

That baby, and you, are still recovering from it all - you definitely can't be doing all the housework and looking after the baby for a while yet!

I'm guessing you don't think you can go out on a Saturday and leave him with the baby and see how much he manages to get done?

It boils down to the fact that you are still in the statutory maternity period - because you need to recover from major surgery - of course you're knackered.

I don't even remember the first 2 months of my eldest - it's all a blur of sleep depravation. I felt good if I'd managed to have a shower in the last 3 days, fucked if I was doing housework too!

Your DH is being a dick but it's not uncommon! My DH didn't expect me to do all household chores on mat leave but occasionally came out with comments....til he did last 3 months on shared parental leave! Even though he was only on his own for 6 weeks. His tune changed to how the hell did you even manage to make food!!! It was a definite eye opener for him!

Going forward it's a case of being clear you are there to care for baby not pick up absolutely everything in the house!
A sling can help around the house but do not do everything! Slow cooker for dinners also really helps.

Different people feel different things.

My job is really mentally tasking. I found maternity leave a sheer relief, despite it being exhausting and relentless especially at the start, i bloody loved the headspace of not having to struggle through the daily grind of my job.

Other people find the physical exhaustion of a newborn overwhelming.

The best thing you can do is talk about how you feel, but also respect that he might feel differently to you & thats ok. He should be respecting you and supporting you.

I had a sling/soft carrier thing and when mine were fussing i used to put them in it, they'd fuss a bit on being put in but then 5/10 mins later they would conk out, and I'd have hands free to get myself a drink or hoover etc.

Also you can use a close caboo from 5lb weight.

@spitefulandbadgrammar good points 👏👏

So he reckons he does his 9-5 job and then relaxes while you care for your newborn 24/7, EBF, do all the housework and recover from major surgery? That is genuinely appalling.

Just so you know, it's not 'normal' and you shouldn't give him a get-out because 'men are just like this'. They are not all so selfish. Have you got any other men in your life (relatives, friends) who could shame him a little by talking about what they did when they had a newborn? He should be listening to you of course. But as back-up.

Ebf a 5 weeker with reflux isn't hard, aye? What a twat.

After the first 3 months I kind of agree, especially with only one child

My only advice would be to show your DH this thread.

Your job is to recover from birth and care for your baby. He has a job out of the house. You both have a job right now so you should share the domestic chores. It is hard to keep on top of stuff with a baby - so you make it as easy as possibly e.g. tidy up after yourself, put dishes straight in the dishwasher.

You don't have a lower tolerance for mess by the way, your DH just thinks it's your job (as evidenced by 'do it at the weekend, when he takes the baby'. Why can't he do the chores at the weekend while you snuggle on the sofa with your baby?

Honestly sort this now - it will only get much worse if you return to work and you're doing a job, running a house, and undoubtedly carrying the mental load that comes with raising a child (remembering appointments, special days at nursery school, what clothes they need, buying school uniform, play dates, organising the school holidays, ensuring they have good life skills, packed lunches, where they left their school tie... it goes on and on!)

He sounds very opinionated for someone who's so hands off. He's not the one who's been through the trauma of an EMCS and having to singlehandedly look after a young baby during the day. I hate the attitude that maternity leave is some sort of holiday. IME I found it harder than my job. He needs to be quiet and help you out more. Unpaid work is still work!

He hasn't got a clue has he?

I agree with your husband (sorry!). In my opinion the new baby stage is the best and easiest part.