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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend put down

131 replies

Tilly0921 · 19/08/2023 20:57

A friend of mine who I have know for 25 years belittles me in front of others. I have recently felt extremely down the next day after socialising with her because of this.

Last night my husband and I met her new boyfriend and she put me down all evening.
Examples:

1)She told him whilst we were sat at the table that my hands are disgusting and ugly. She is the only person who tells me this continuously.

2)She told my husband and step daughter that I was ugly as a teenager and have only blossomed as an adult. I said I don't feel I looked that bad, she added that I definitely was and she will find photos to show everyone to prove it.

3)told everyone that when I was a hairdresser that I was useless and my mum probably does her own colour now because she hated how I did it for the last 20 years. This is not true, my mum felt I was too busy bringing up my children to keep doing it.

4)announced to everyone that I have no friends. At this point I had a few to drink so unfortunately reacted by saying - you always say this to me...I'm sorry I don't have as many friends as you but the ones I have, have been there for the last 20 plus years
and I trust them.

She basically implies to everyone that I'm an idiot with no friends. But will then randomly drop into conversation that she would like to take me away on holiday with her as she has no one to go on holiday with. I told her I can't afford this and she said she would pay for me. She's either really nice or quite mean to me!

I genuinely feel upset about this. She has always sort of been like this with me and I have brushed it off but never this bad.
I just don't have any other friends that make me feel this low after seeing them. What do you think her issue is? Maybe she just thinks it's funny.

OP posts:
Theresnoroomonthebroom · 19/08/2023 22:26

Ditch her, she is not a friend. She sounds awful!

Daffodilsandtuplips · 19/08/2023 22:27

She’s not your friend, she puts you down to feel superior to you.
Give as good as you get.
“Change the subject, this is your only topic of conversation, it’s getting boring now”.
Next time she puts you down, gather your stuff together and walk out.
The holiday thing, don’t tell her you can’t afford it, tell her you can’t understand how she’d want to holiday with you seeing as you’re such an embarrassment to her.

Isolated17 · 19/08/2023 22:28

I cut off a friend of 20 years for a horrifically cruel comment. He'd made two less severe digs in the months before it, but this was the final straw.

I'd been going to a therapist (abusive relationship) and started to see I was generally a doormat and 'too nice.'

The friend was shocked when I cut him off. He had no idea it was a possibility. That was 8 months ago.

His bitchy messages always ended 'xxx'

Viviennemary · 19/08/2023 22:28

You can do without people like her in your life. Just see much less of her and let her find somebody else to put down. She sounds horrible.

CantFindTheBeat · 19/08/2023 22:29

She's awful, OP.

Hopefully you will find a way to exit her from your life.

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 22:33

You started your post by saying ‘a friend of mine’. What makes you think that anyone who continually humiliates you for her own amusement is your friend ? She’s a nasty abusive cow and l’m aghast that you have put up with it for 25 years. I’d have decked her in 25 minutes. Ditch her and find yourself some real friends.

Octosaurus · 19/08/2023 22:34

FatNoMoreSue · 19/08/2023 21:06

So your husband just sat there while she slagged you off?

Yeah explain plz

itsmylife7 · 19/08/2023 22:39

bevelino · 19/08/2023 21:04

If she is a true friend call her out and let her know how hurtful her comments are.

A true friend would never say these things. She is not a friend in anyway to OP.

WereallJLCBear · 19/08/2023 22:39

Hi @Tilly0921 I’m in a similar position to you and have also had advice to ditch my friend. However I know it’s not easy when someone has been around for so long. So much shared history, so many experiences together. My friend is nice to me most of the time but maybe 10% of the time she’ll put me down in subtle ways. I sometimes feel a bit thick that I only register the put downs after she’s gone. Your friend doesn’t sound subtle at all. My DH thinks it’s a mix of her own insecurities and a bit of jealousy and the same could be true of your friend?
Do you want to remain friends with her? If so, I think you need to tell her how it makes you feel and if she continues regardless of the chat, call her out every time she does it which should hopefully stop her. If it continues, dump her. Be strong💪

ChrisPPancake · 19/08/2023 22:41

She's really not your friend. Don't put up with shit behaviour for the sake of a free holiday.

CClaire · 19/08/2023 22:46

I think maybe with some friends we’ve had since teenagers, the toxic teenage dynamic can sometimes remain so she might be perfectly nice to her other friends but she speaks to you like sh!t because it’s all she knows. I’m her mind she must think she’s joking but even she must realise she’s actually an arsehole. You need to stop this - if she won’t stop it then drop the cow!

Irridescantshimmmer · 19/08/2023 22:48

She's jealous of you.
Don't go away on holiday with her, she will continue to put you down.

She is a drain.

Every time she asks you to go on holiday with her, say no. A closed answer is harder for her to wriggle out of.

I would not be suprised if she has no friends so if you drop her like a lead balloon, she will have to stop being anti social before she has friends again. Some people have to learn the hard way.

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 19/08/2023 22:57

Why is nobody around you/with you at the time not defending you, and calling her out @Tilly0921 ??? My husband would give ANYone who spoke to me like this a right fucking ear bashing. They'd not speak to me like that again!

MysteryBelle · 19/08/2023 23:20

She’s jealous of you. Don’t let her near you or your loved ones again. Wise up.

MysteryBelle · 19/08/2023 23:21

Your husband is an absolute buffoon if he let her say such outrageously cruel things. Especially in public.

Fuzzypeachdewberry · 19/08/2023 23:24

This woman is massively insecure and very obviously envious of you and let her be.
Her cruel comments towards you are a huge reflection of who she is a person and if that is the conversation she can pull of whilst out in company with you well her intelligence levels are absolutely zero also shes a nasty !! I would F@#K her right off !!! if she contacts you tell her the truth that she has hurt you , she doesnt get to say otherwise. Nip this right in the bud a true friend would mever resort to treating a true friend this way they would enjoy your company and have a lovely evening. Ive had this with female friends and its a classic case they really dont like you but really they dont like themselves and the old classic jealousy !! Keep being you and as for your husband not saying anything i would be questioning him too he could have at least stood up for you. Please kill this friend with utter kindness and tell her the truth and walk away with your held high itl feel fabulous and youl leave her on her arse thats the best way to treat her. You sound a lovely friend to have and im sure she will be no great loss.
Have a lovely evening OP

Iamnotalemming · 19/08/2023 23:29

She's not your friend. She's using you to feel better about herself. Stop spending time with her.

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/08/2023 23:29

"Oh why don't you just fuck off" and then turn to talk to your husband.

squashi · 19/08/2023 23:32

Sounds like she's trying to bolster her own fragile self-esteem by putting you down and trying to make you feel insecure. Saying she'll pay for you to go on holiday sounds like an attempt at control. Not much of a friend.

Orphlids · 19/08/2023 23:40

I had a friend like this. When we met, we got on really well, and for years the friendship was good, and rewarding. We always had a fair bit of mutual piss taking, but it was gentle, good-natured teasing. Over the years, she started becoming more and more cruel, until eventually it was just bullying really. Things like mocking my excessive facial hair, asking if I was growing a beard. The last straw was when I was trying to organise my party for a significant birthday. When I invited her, she laughed in my face and said she wouldn’t come. And when she overheard me inviting others, she would interrupt, shouting that she wouldn’t be going and neither should they.

It was all such a gradual process over the years of the relationship becoming toxic that it was difficult to see it for what it was, so I can understand why you haven’t already got rid of your ‘friend’. Looking back now, it is so clear to me that she was envious and that the beginning of the cruelty coincided when I started dating my now DH, who was a mutual friend. I’ll eat my hat if envy isn’t behind your friend’s behaviour. It is responsible for the vast majority of behaviour like this. Dump her, she won’t improve.

Doobeedoobeedoobee · 19/08/2023 23:41

Hi OP

This sounds like a really horrible situation. It cuts particularly deeply when people we care about do this kind of thing.

I was in your situation a while ago. I used to leave every situation with this friend feeling really drained. She could be really quite nasty and then so so lovely- it was a bit of a mind fuck! It’s really helped me to put some space between us - and sadly that has meant distancing myself from some mutual friends too. But it was the right decision for me, and I feel relieved now (and also able to message and see her occasionally.) I know now it came from a deep place of hurt inside her, but honestly that still doesn’t make it right.

I suppose what I’m saying is - don’t feel bad for protecting yourself. In my experience you won’t regret it.

SmellsLikeTeenSpirits · 20/08/2023 00:12

When I read the title I thought for a minute you were having to have a friend put down. Now I’ve read the post - I think you should! Hope you’re ok x

Newestname002 · 20/08/2023 00:26

@Tilly0921

Nobody needs a bully like this in their lives, no matter who they are and no matter the reason they are bullying. It sounds to me like your life would be lighter and happier without her in it trying, and succeeding, to pull you down to below her level.

Whether you fade her out gradually or just putting an instant barrier up and avoiding any subsequent communication from her is up to you. The main thing is to no longer give her access to you and opportunities for her to belittle you. Why would you? 🌹

xYerDaSellsAvonx · 20/08/2023 00:51

She's your bully not your friend.

ChristmasCwtch · 20/08/2023 03:02

She’s not your friend. She’s a bitchy cow bag.

Also my DH would have said something to stop the verbal shit coming out of her mouth!!