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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step kids and wills

121 replies

Bab2023 · 19/08/2023 08:31

Hi all

DH and I have been discussing drawing up wills.
he has 3 kids from a previous marriage, ages 8, 11 & 13 and we share a 6 month old together.
we own a house together and pretty much pay 50/50 for everything. I help out financially with the step kids too buying clothes, Christmas gifts, schools trips, food shopping, just whatever is needed at the time basically.

just wondering what is fair in regards to the wills?
my step kids have a great mother who is very involved who will obviously leave everything to them, and her parents will obviously leave to her etc.
so my step kids already have two parents who will leave to them.

DH assumed everything between us would be split 4 ways between all the kids.
but I mentioned in theory I have one official dependent so then he was like “oh, so he gets half and the others have to share the other half?” Then I reminded him he has 4 kids not 3!
And he’s upset at the thought of his share being split between his 4 kids when my half would go to mine and he thinks it’s not fair baby gets extra. so the whole thing is confusing is now -
I don’t think he should miss out our baby if I miss out the other 3 kids, but in his head it’s not fair on the other 3, even though they will get form their mum.
if they never had a mum and had nothing, I would be more happy to split equally. Or if our finances were not 50/50 and DH paid more that would be different also.

so I’m just wondering what’s fair? I haven’t told him I won’t leave anything to his kids - but I feel 4 ways is not fair either as ultimately his older kids are left with more.
but I’m happy to leave something for them I just don’t know what’s fair?
how can we make this fair?
AIBU to want to leave more to my birth child?
tia

OP posts:
sixthvestibule · 19/08/2023 08:33

The stepkids already have two parents looking out for them. Whatever you leave goes to your own child.

Doidontimmm · 19/08/2023 08:35

Is his ex leaving a share to your baby? Nope? Then why would you leave to his kids?

ChristmasCrumpet · 19/08/2023 08:36

Ask him what his ex will be leaving to the children that are his, but not hers. Then tell him you'll be doing exactly the same, or could he explain why you should gift things to children that aren't yours but share the same father, when she doesn't have too.

Elfandwellbeing · 19/08/2023 08:37

Your dh is ridiculous and selfish to think he can dictate what you do with your life savings.
Your explanation is fair and reasonable. His children will be provided for by their parents. And your shared child will also be provided for by their parents.

User5653218 · 19/08/2023 08:37

My half is split between my 2 kids. Dh's half is split between his 4 kids (the 2 we have together and his older two). I think that's fair and logical.

CleptoCleoCookoo · 19/08/2023 08:38

Your way is the norm. Otherwise his kids will inherit from their blood parents AND take 75% from your estate! Why on earth would he think that's fair?

He's mixing guilt at having a split family with being unreasonable and illogical. He should get a grip.

Anyway it's your choice.

Your estate half should be left to who you like, the dog home if you choose!

Whatifitallgoesright · 19/08/2023 08:38

You're right. His half is split between his four. Your half goes to your child. That's just the way it is. He chose to have four and you chose one. There are various positives and negatives to having a bunch of kids or having an only child. Finance is only one aspect.

Backagain23 · 19/08/2023 08:39

Your way, all the children will inherit equally from both of their own parents.
His way one child will inherit from two parents and three children will inherit from three.
Or, even more disgustingly, his youngest will inherit only from their mum and be disinherited by their dad, while his older kids are allowed to inherit from both of their parents.
Dick. Move.
Stand your ground. Make sure the house is owned tenants in common. Then you can each do what you like with your half.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/08/2023 08:40

You are correct OP, in your approach. Your half goes to your dependents, his half goes to his dependents.

GreyCarpet · 19/08/2023 08:40

I'm with you on this. I think I'd almost draw it out like a family tree diagram.

There are 4 children on the same level.

There are 3 parents on the same level.

Each of the 3 parents has children - a woman, a man, a woman (I'd draw it with him in the middle).

The first woman (his ex) has 3 children so will leave whatever she has to leave to her 3 children. The second woman has 1 child (currently) so will leave whatever she has to leave to that child. The man in the middle has 4 children so he should leave whatever he has to leave to all 4 children.

That way, neither woman is leaving anything to a child that is not hers and the man will be leaving something to all of his children.

It might not end up 'fair' in terms of equality of inheritance but it would be fair in terms of access to inheritance.

I don't see how he could argue with that.

If the ex wife had nothing to leave to her children and doing the above would leave one child set up for life or with a huge advantage and the others with nothing, I would split equally.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/08/2023 08:41

User5653218 · 19/08/2023 08:37

My half is split between my 2 kids. Dh's half is split between his 4 kids (the 2 we have together and his older two). I think that's fair and logical.

Same here. It’s completely normal. Doesn’t matter how you split money now either! Why would that impact on what your children get when you did, if you were a SAHM would it be fair for him to penalise his fourth over his other three? Their mum isn’t contributing to any of your household costs.

Are you back at work ft or on maternity? If the latter should you be paying 50/50 at the moment?

If he’s going to start deciding what’s fair I’d work out how much you’re subsiding his other kids in the form of clothes and gifts. You’re already paying to live in a much bigger house to accommodate them.

Hold firm. He’s being stupid.

Aprilx · 19/08/2023 08:43

If you both unfortunately died tomorrow, a fair split would be that the joint assets are divided in half and one half is left to your child and the other half is split between all four children.

But you probably won’t die at the same time, so you need to work through those scenarios whilst also ensuring the surviving spouse doesn’t lose their home. I think I would go to a solicitor and get them to walk through options in your situation.

CleptoCleoCookoo · 19/08/2023 08:43

I do hope he's putting similar pressure on his ex wife to leave 25% of her estate to YOUR baby op. No? Because your DH thinks his fucked up logic can pressure you more easily probably and his ex would (rightly) laugh in his face

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/08/2023 08:44

If the ex wife had nothing to leave to her children and doing the above would leave one child set up for life or with a huge advantage and the others with nothing, I would split equally.

Still best to do what everyone is suggesting. My step kids are going to be absolutely loaded irrespective of what DH leaves them but he wouldn’t leave all of his share to just our two because all children deserve to be thought of by their two parents.

yogasaurus · 19/08/2023 08:44

Yanbu, he’s being dense. He has 4 kids; you have one. So yes, his children’s split will be smaller.

guzzleandstuff · 19/08/2023 08:46

Whatever you do see a lawyer and make sure your DC is protected as if you were to die first you know exactly what would happen to all your money.

trulyunruly01 · 19/08/2023 08:46

He is the one who has 4 children split between 2 women.
Hopefully all the dc will be adults by the time anyone's will comes to fruition. Each child will inherit equally from their mother (regardless of what their mother inherits from her family) and his estate will be shared between all his children.
Remember that can't happen unless the house is held as tenants in common (and you probably ought to give your dh a lifetime interest so that your son couldn't force a sale to get his hands on your half, and vice versa with your dh's will).

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 19/08/2023 08:48

So, his kids get 33% from their mum, and 25% from him.

And your joint child only gets 25% from you both.

Ask him on what planet that's fair?

Lollypop701 · 19/08/2023 08:50

You are correct. If you want to leave his kids a gesture from you half that’s nice but that’s your decision.

I’d put it in perspective. Doing it his way your joint estate is 400k that’s 100k each. If exs is 400k also then 3 kids get 233 k each and one kid 100 k. Treating the kids the same in life is the way to go but not in death.

also if you inherit from your parents this shouldn’t automatically go in the family pot either… that’s your child’s inheritance too

CwmYoy · 19/08/2023 08:51

I would be questioning my relationship if I was in your position.

ittakes2 · 19/08/2023 08:53

I don’t think you can do it on how much the kids get - their mum might have money now but might not always. In principle the mums giving to their biological children makes sense but his kids are young and likely by the time they are adults will consider you a mum figure and might be hurt you leave them with nothing.

IhearyouClemFandango · 19/08/2023 08:54

Your half to your joint child. 1/4 of his half to your joint child.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 19/08/2023 08:55

This is the exact position DH is in. He’s the only child of both his parents. He has two half sisters who will both inherit from their own other parent. But the in laws estate will be split equally between all 3.

it’s not really any of my business. It does feel a little unfair, but at the end of the day they were raised from being small kids by the other parent. So I keep quiet.

Naunet · 19/08/2023 09:01

He’s being greedy, you already hugely subsidise his kids by paying half the bills and buying them stuff, but now he wants you to take from your child to give more to his? No, him and his ex can leave what they want to their children, and you can leave what you want to yours. Don’t let him take advantage of you, tell him to stop being a gold digger.

DustyLee123 · 19/08/2023 09:02

Your half goes to your child.
‘Make sure you have a watertight will, and that you hold your house as Tenants in Common.