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AIBU?

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Original poster

Step kids and wills

121 replies

Bab2023 · 19/08/2023 08:31

Hi all

DH and I have been discussing drawing up wills.
he has 3 kids from a previous marriage, ages 8, 11 & 13 and we share a 6 month old together.
we own a house together and pretty much pay 50/50 for everything. I help out financially with the step kids too buying clothes, Christmas gifts, schools trips, food shopping, just whatever is needed at the time basically.

just wondering what is fair in regards to the wills?
my step kids have a great mother who is very involved who will obviously leave everything to them, and her parents will obviously leave to her etc.
so my step kids already have two parents who will leave to them.

DH assumed everything between us would be split 4 ways between all the kids.
but I mentioned in theory I have one official dependent so then he was like “oh, so he gets half and the others have to share the other half?” Then I reminded him he has 4 kids not 3!
And he’s upset at the thought of his share being split between his 4 kids when my half would go to mine and he thinks it’s not fair baby gets extra. so the whole thing is confusing is now -
I don’t think he should miss out our baby if I miss out the other 3 kids, but in his head it’s not fair on the other 3, even though they will get form their mum.
if they never had a mum and had nothing, I would be more happy to split equally. Or if our finances were not 50/50 and DH paid more that would be different also.

so I’m just wondering what’s fair? I haven’t told him I won’t leave anything to his kids - but I feel 4 ways is not fair either as ultimately his older kids are left with more.
but I’m happy to leave something for them I just don’t know what’s fair?
how can we make this fair?
AIBU to want to leave more to my birth child?
tia

OP posts:
Original poster
Bab2023 · 19/08/2023 09:02

Thanks all.

good to know I am doing the right thing!
I’m still on maternity but an enhanced package (then after I will be using up A/L) so will still be earning full wages.
I do get in great with my step kids and I think that’s why DH feels offended by all this. I’ve tried to explain to him that the will is not a reflection on that.
but I was thinking that I would leave my wedding jewellery to my step daughter, as she was involved and it’s a nice memory for us. (Baby wasn’t even born yet).

OP posts:
HamishTheCamel · 19/08/2023 09:04

I think you're right here OP, but I do understand DH's point of view too. It's not quite the same IMO as the posters asking if his ex will be leaving her money to your DC, because you're a step parent to these kids and live with them part time. She's not a step parent to your DC.

So I think you're right on balance, but I also don't think your DH is completely in the wrong. Some people do leave money to their step DC. It needs to be a sensitive discussion.

HamishTheCamel · 19/08/2023 09:05

Leaving your wedding jewellery to your step DC is a lovely thought.

Original poster
Bab2023 · 19/08/2023 09:05

Also. When we were renting he did expect me to pay half as he said kids shouldn’t pay lol.
i told him I was doing it because i wanted to and not because I should but it was still annoying his view on it.
im happy to pay half the house now because we own it, so it is my half fair and square!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bab2023 · 19/08/2023 09:11

HamishTheCamel · 19/08/2023 09:04

I think you're right here OP, but I do understand DH's point of view too. It's not quite the same IMO as the posters asking if his ex will be leaving her money to your DC, because you're a step parent to these kids and live with them part time. She's not a step parent to your DC.

So I think you're right on balance, but I also don't think your DH is completely in the wrong. Some people do leave money to their step DC. It needs to be a sensitive discussion.

Yes I’m just finding it hard knowing what’s fair.
I think part of the problems is DH expects me to pay everything equally, which I think also makes me feel unappreciated that I do so.
for example , when we rented a 4 bed house before baby was born, his view was that I should pay half anyway because kids shouldn’t pay for themselves.
so I think we don’t always see eye to eye and it does need sensitive discussion

OP posts:
Mumof2teens79 · 19/08/2023 09:14

Instead of thinking about what happens if/when you both die the more likely scenario is one of you, so you need to make individual wills assuming each of you dies first.
Then ammend them as kids grow up.

Initially the priority will be the house and care of the kids

If you own the house together did you both contribute equally to any deposit? Or did one person bring more assets in than the other?

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 19/08/2023 09:15

Ultimately as long as you own the house as tennants in common you can write your will to whoever you want to, as can he. He does sound a little self-centred and controlling.

Inkpotlover · 19/08/2023 09:16

Your way is fairest. But make sure you have plans in place for what happens in the event of one of you dying first. I know of a man who had two children from a previous marriage. When he died he left his estate to his second wife and she's now intending to leave everything to their only child and nothing to her stepchildren because she sees it as her money now to do with what she wants.

CalistoNoSolo · 19/08/2023 09:18

He sounds more entitled and greedy the more you post about him. As pp have said, make sure your will is watertight and that you are protected financially if your marriage fails. It sounds like you're married to a mam who will screw you financially without a second thought

Original poster
Bab2023 · 19/08/2023 09:18

Mumof2teens79 · 19/08/2023 09:14

Instead of thinking about what happens if/when you both die the more likely scenario is one of you, so you need to make individual wills assuming each of you dies first.
Then ammend them as kids grow up.

Initially the priority will be the house and care of the kids

If you own the house together did you both contribute equally to any deposit? Or did one person bring more assets in than the other?

I paid the deposit…

OP posts:
Original poster
Bab2023 · 19/08/2023 09:19

Inkpotlover · 19/08/2023 09:16

Your way is fairest. But make sure you have plans in place for what happens in the event of one of you dying first. I know of a man who had two children from a previous marriage. When he died he left his estate to his second wife and she's now intending to leave everything to their only child and nothing to her stepchildren because she sees it as her money now to do with what she wants.

Omg I would definitely not do that to my step kids

OP posts:
AppleTurnover1000Degrees · 19/08/2023 09:19

sixthvestibule · 19/08/2023 08:33

The stepkids already have two parents looking out for them. Whatever you leave goes to your own child.

I agree.

LisaD1 · 19/08/2023 09:20

I have 2 DD’s, my DH is step dad to our eldest (has been for 20 years and they adore each other)

DD1’s father only has her and he and his family are well off. She will inherit from them for sure.

what we have decided is that we will split what we have 50/50, his half will go to our joint DD and my half will be split between both my girls. So they will get a 25/75 split. We thought this was fairest. For translating DD1’s bio dad’s side are wealthy enough that she already owns her own home outright, she does not need to inherit from me but I cannot leave her out of my half, it doesn’t sit right. We think the way we have split is fair and the girls know and are happy. DD1 would be happy with nothing but I just can’t.

Tinkerbyebye · 19/08/2023 09:20

Your half goes to your kid, his half to his 4

why doesn’t he understand his kids with his first wife inherit via her as well? Maybe you need to draw a diagram? So she has £30k left, they get 10k each, he has £40k left, his four get 10k each, so 3 end up with £20k and one with 10k. Ignore what you may leave for the moment. If he still doesn’t get it ask him to ask his first wife to split her will 4 ways to make it ‘fair’ for all 4 of his children

Dellarobia · 19/08/2023 09:21

Bab2023 · 19/08/2023 09:19

Omg I would definitely not do that to my step kids

Show quote history

But he might do it do your joint DC if you die first.

coodawoodashooda · 19/08/2023 09:24

Bab2023 · 19/08/2023 09:02

Thanks all.

good to know I am doing the right thing!
I’m still on maternity but an enhanced package (then after I will be using up A/L) so will still be earning full wages.
I do get in great with my step kids and I think that’s why DH feels offended by all this. I’ve tried to explain to him that the will is not a reflection on that.
but I was thinking that I would leave my wedding jewellery to my step daughter, as she was involved and it’s a nice memory for us. (Baby wasn’t even born yet).

Think that but don't say it. When baby is 30 you'll likely feel different. I'd look at life insurance for my step children and own child. Might make discussion easier.

TossacointoHenryCavill · 19/08/2023 09:29

Another option which might feel fair if they’ll be a massive difference in inheritance overall your way (taking into account stepkids’ mother) between the children would to split you and your husband’s estate into 5 - your shared child gets 2shares and your stepkids get one share each.
Your way is probably better at the moment, because if you both die at the same time the child who lost both parents would not be in the same situation as the children who lost one parent and one step parent.

Inkpotlover · 19/08/2023 09:30

Bab2023 · 19/08/2023 09:19

Omg I would definitely not do that to my step kids

Show quote history

I'm sure you wouldn't! But if you die first your DH could dilute your 50% share so it's split between your SC and your child only gets a quarter.

Mumof4plusbonus · 19/08/2023 09:31

Your way is the best way. If you split up would he disinherit your child just because you are leaving him something? It’s no different. He sees you as an extension of him and what’s yours is his for his kids. He should be paying for his own children. Of course children don’t pay, but their parents pay for them which is him. Make sure your Will dictates your 50% going to your child and not via him.

CleptoCleoCookoo · 19/08/2023 09:31

would definitely not do that to my step kids

But legally that's all that matters. Morality or fairness counts for nothing, the ONLY thing that matters here is what the legal process says, and Executors of wills MUST comply or face personal consequences potentially.

You need to ensure that if you die first, your DH won't just split everything 4 ways to his DC after.

Because he'd be quite within his legal rights to do so. No one could stop him, it's now his money/house.

You need legal advice, and have been very financially naive from the sound of it.

This might be fine in some (non blended family) situations but your DH doesn't seem to have normal expectations and it sounds like you need to protect your estate and draw up the legalities to ensure your wishes are executed after you die.

It's clear your "D"h wouldn't do as you wish due to his dad guilt at having 2 families crashing together, and wants your part of the estate to smooth it over

CleptoCleoCookoo · 19/08/2023 09:35

You paid for your house deposit op?

This just gets worse.

You need your own legal advice, don't share the legal work with dh at the same time. You need to figure out what YOU want to do with your estate when you die without dh controlling you, and make it iron clad legally.

FFS. I can't believe your DH would sit by and take from you like this, and worse, pressure you to agree to this madness as if you're being the idiot.

ArcticSkewer · 19/08/2023 09:38

How about he leaves everything to you when he dies first, the usual way, then you leave everything to your own child and disinherit the others because 'they don't visit' or some other half hearted excuse.

It's what will probably happen, unless he leaves his half direct to his kids with a life interest in the house for you, or similar. So I wouldn't worry about it. Agree to split it and get him to leave you everything on that basis

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/08/2023 09:38

Have you ringfenced the deposit?

How do your earnings compare? Do you earn the same?

Fair enough split the house payment in half but the bills are higher as he has a need to feed 3 people on top of himself.

daisychain01 · 19/08/2023 09:38

Please go to a solicitor who will give your DH a reality check about the legalities of being married and having children by different relationships plus children together.

When making a will, of course the client's choice has a significant bearing, however from a legal point of view if your DH is dismissive of your wishes and oblivious to the legal basis that you may choose to take, then it will take a legal professional to give him a reality check.

my step kids have a great mother who is very involved who will obviously leave everything to them, and her parents will obviously leave to her etc.

nothing is "obvious" about how people choose to write up their will. What if the mother's circumstances change and she remarried and decides to leave some of her estate to children other than those she had with her ex/your DH. And the grandparents may decide something completely different to what you're assuming. In short, assumptions and Wills are a dangerous combination, nothing is "obvious" about it, the only thing that actually counts is what is committed into the (legally validated) Will document.

Mouse82 · 19/08/2023 09:46

My sepfather has his split between his daughter and my half brother and my mum's is split between my older brother, myself and my half brother (and my son) on the understanding that my stepfathers daughter still has a mother in he picture so will inherit from her aswell.