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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step kids and wills

121 replies

Bab2023 · 19/08/2023 08:31

Hi all

DH and I have been discussing drawing up wills.
he has 3 kids from a previous marriage, ages 8, 11 & 13 and we share a 6 month old together.
we own a house together and pretty much pay 50/50 for everything. I help out financially with the step kids too buying clothes, Christmas gifts, schools trips, food shopping, just whatever is needed at the time basically.

just wondering what is fair in regards to the wills?
my step kids have a great mother who is very involved who will obviously leave everything to them, and her parents will obviously leave to her etc.
so my step kids already have two parents who will leave to them.

DH assumed everything between us would be split 4 ways between all the kids.
but I mentioned in theory I have one official dependent so then he was like “oh, so he gets half and the others have to share the other half?” Then I reminded him he has 4 kids not 3!
And he’s upset at the thought of his share being split between his 4 kids when my half would go to mine and he thinks it’s not fair baby gets extra. so the whole thing is confusing is now -
I don’t think he should miss out our baby if I miss out the other 3 kids, but in his head it’s not fair on the other 3, even though they will get form their mum.
if they never had a mum and had nothing, I would be more happy to split equally. Or if our finances were not 50/50 and DH paid more that would be different also.

so I’m just wondering what’s fair? I haven’t told him I won’t leave anything to his kids - but I feel 4 ways is not fair either as ultimately his older kids are left with more.
but I’m happy to leave something for them I just don’t know what’s fair?
how can we make this fair?
AIBU to want to leave more to my birth child?
tia

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 19/08/2023 13:59

Bab2023 · 19/08/2023 13:56

Hi sorry for delay replying - ok lots to think about and discuss

to answer the question re deposit - we were both renting before but I had savings. No I haven’t done anything to protect the deposit , I guess I didn’t think about that! :/

Blimey-that’s trusting! How much was your deposit? I presume both names are on the mortgage?

Original poster
Bab2023 · 19/08/2023 13:59

MostlyHappyMummy · 19/08/2023 13:17

You pay half the costs for your SC?
dies that include maintenance payments?

Well no, but after maintenance he has less money so I often end up spending extra on the step kids when they are here, or extra on our baby, so it depends how you look at it! I might as well be come to think of it…

OP posts:
Original poster
Bab2023 · 19/08/2023 13:59

Shinyandnew1 · 19/08/2023 13:59

Blimey-that’s trusting! How much was your deposit? I presume both names are on the mortgage?

Show quote history

deposit was £35k and yes both names on mortgage

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 19/08/2023 14:01

Inkpotlover · 19/08/2023 09:16

Your way is fairest. But make sure you have plans in place for what happens in the event of one of you dying first. I know of a man who had two children from a previous marriage. When he died he left his estate to his second wife and she's now intending to leave everything to their only child and nothing to her stepchildren because she sees it as her money now to do with what she wants.

I have seen this happen 3 times. It is so sad.

DiddlyDonut · 19/08/2023 14:04

His half should be split between his 4 children.
Yours just to your biological child.

I'm not sure what he's finding hard to understand.

Baconisdelicious · 19/08/2023 14:06

Is his ex leaving a share to your baby? Nope? Then why would you leave to his kids?

what a weird comparison. The ex and the new child have no relationship. The OP and the ex’s children do. I agree with the majority that the OPs and partner’s estate should be split into 2 and she leaves her half to her child but there are situations where step parents may want to leave something for their step child/ren.

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 19/08/2023 14:20

when we rented a 4 bed house before baby was born, his view was that I should pay half anyway because kids shouldn’t pay for themselves.
so I think we don’t always see eye to eye and it does need sensitive discussion

What, wait - am I missing something here? Of course children don't pay - but their parents, who chose to have them, should. This guy's attitude would really annoy me - they are HIS kids, and your stepchildren. He is responsible for them, not you. Honestly, take legal advice and try and make your will as watertight as possible, because if you die first I think he is very likely to disregard all your wishes.

aSofaNearYou · 19/08/2023 14:23

Baconisdelicious · 19/08/2023 14:06

Is his ex leaving a share to your baby? Nope? Then why would you leave to his kids?

what a weird comparison. The ex and the new child have no relationship. The OP and the ex’s children do. I agree with the majority that the OPs and partner’s estate should be split into 2 and she leaves her half to her child but there are situations where step parents may want to leave something for their step child/ren.

It's not a weird comparison just because slight details are different and some people might choose/feel obliged to do it. Yes they have "a relationship", but most people leave things to their children, not wider relations. Therefore, it's just as illogical (not to mention detrimental to her own children) to expect OP to leave her money to them as to expect DSC's mum to leave hers to OPs.

C8H10N4O2 · 19/08/2023 14:46

Bab2023 · 19/08/2023 13:59

deposit was £35k and yes both names on mortgage

Show quote history

Is your additional contribution ring fenced in the agreements? So that if you divided the property your 35k (plus value) would be taken out before the splitting of the asset?

Presumably since he expects you to pay half the bills to house and care for his DC he will obviously being paying 50% of the nursery/childcare fees for his and your baby?

I get subsidising a partner where both are in general agreement and the overall relationship seems equitable but this doesn't seem equitable.

C8H10N4O2 · 19/08/2023 14:48

Oh and yes obviously his half goes to the four children and your half goes to your children however many you have. That is standard in this situation.

Its also common to have roof protection for the surviving spouse during their life or a significant time so that the spouse is not left homeless or having to move at a difficult time.

Autieangel · 19/08/2023 14:49

Your way is fair. He needs to add on mums inheritance to his kids. How would your child feel if his dad left him nothing

AlmostTotallyFake · 19/08/2023 15:35

I think we are married to the same man @Bab2023!!
I had the exact same argument with my husband and he got very 'put out' that I didn't intend to include his two children in my half of our assets!
At the time I stood to inherit close to half a million pounds (not happening now!) and he couldn't/wouldn't understand why I wanted as much of that as possible to go to my children.

InsomniacsWife · 19/08/2023 15:38

3 Step kids get 1/8th of your and DHs estate from him

Your shared child gets 1/8th from your and DH estate from DH's half and then all of your half.

InsomniacsWife · 19/08/2023 15:39

InsomniacsWife · 19/08/2023 15:38

3 Step kids get 1/8th of your and DHs estate from him

Your shared child gets 1/8th from your and DH estate from DH's half and then all of your half.

1/8th each...

MariposaKHYU · 19/08/2023 15:46

For my mum and stepdad my mum has split her’s 3 ways for me and my sibs and stepdad has split his 90% for his 2 kids and 10% for me (which i think is really sweet)

My dad and stepmum have chosen differently everything gets split 3 ways between me and my 2 siblings I have on that side (she has 2 kids with my dad)

However I don’t expect anything from my stepparents as I will get from my own mum and dad, just as your SC is getting. All I do really want from my SM are maybe some of her paintings as they are sentimental.

Give your hubby a chance to calm down and explain again your reasons - I don’t think you are being U at all

Henly1 · 19/08/2023 15:56

He needs to see it as a joint thing with his ex. His children aren't getting less. They just have a different mother. ALL the children involved stand to inherit from two parents. That is fair.

panko · 19/08/2023 15:58

Your approach is right. And he's an arse who needs to understand you aren't a replacement mother.

panko · 19/08/2023 15:58

Henly1 · 19/08/2023 15:56

He needs to see it as a joint thing with his ex. His children aren't getting less. They just have a different mother. ALL the children involved stand to inherit from two parents. That is fair.

Exactly it's a parent thing

Lackofsleep123 · 21/12/2023 06:57

I have one step kid and two of my own with OH. My will is written as:

-any joint assets with my OH will be split 3 ways

-any personal assets and money I inherit from my family is split between my two children.

it’s pretty normal I think and step children have a whole other side of family she’ll inherit from.

My step kid is the only grandchild/child in that family. She’s got three uncles who are all single or gay with no intention of having kids and two grandparents on that side.

panko · 21/12/2023 06:59

Your way is the fairest way. He chose to have 4 kids

NeedToChangeName · 31/01/2024 09:30

Inkpotlover · 19/08/2023 09:16

Your way is fairest. But make sure you have plans in place for what happens in the event of one of you dying first. I know of a man who had two children from a previous marriage. When he died he left his estate to his second wife and she's now intending to leave everything to their only child and nothing to her stepchildren because she sees it as her money now to do with what she wants.

@Inkpotlover Sadly, this is quite common. It's called "sideways inheritance"

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