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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step kids and wills

121 replies

Bab2023 · 19/08/2023 08:31

Hi all

DH and I have been discussing drawing up wills.
he has 3 kids from a previous marriage, ages 8, 11 & 13 and we share a 6 month old together.
we own a house together and pretty much pay 50/50 for everything. I help out financially with the step kids too buying clothes, Christmas gifts, schools trips, food shopping, just whatever is needed at the time basically.

just wondering what is fair in regards to the wills?
my step kids have a great mother who is very involved who will obviously leave everything to them, and her parents will obviously leave to her etc.
so my step kids already have two parents who will leave to them.

DH assumed everything between us would be split 4 ways between all the kids.
but I mentioned in theory I have one official dependent so then he was like “oh, so he gets half and the others have to share the other half?” Then I reminded him he has 4 kids not 3!
And he’s upset at the thought of his share being split between his 4 kids when my half would go to mine and he thinks it’s not fair baby gets extra. so the whole thing is confusing is now -
I don’t think he should miss out our baby if I miss out the other 3 kids, but in his head it’s not fair on the other 3, even though they will get form their mum.
if they never had a mum and had nothing, I would be more happy to split equally. Or if our finances were not 50/50 and DH paid more that would be different also.

so I’m just wondering what’s fair? I haven’t told him I won’t leave anything to his kids - but I feel 4 ways is not fair either as ultimately his older kids are left with more.
but I’m happy to leave something for them I just don’t know what’s fair?
how can we make this fair?
AIBU to want to leave more to my birth child?
tia

OP posts:
Floofydawg · 19/08/2023 11:32

We have three kids between us. One mine, two his. No kids together. I owned the house before he moved in with a large amount of equity. My share of the house (around 75%) will be left to my daughter, while his share will be left to his two kids.

Your husband is being an arse.

CherryMaDeara · 19/08/2023 11:38

I think it’s absolutely right that your half goes only to dd and DH’s gets split between all 4 of his DC.

I’d also be adding up just how much you’re spending on DSC and consider this in relation to overall contributions from you and DH to tue household.

It’s not your job to fund the DSC. How are finances split?

CherryMaDeara · 19/08/2023 11:40

And he’s upset at the thought of his share being split between his 4 kids when my half would go to mine and he thinks it’s not fair baby gets extra. so the whole thing is confusing is now -

He’s not confused, he’s pretending to be confused to get his way.

You know what he’s trying to pull, please protect your daughter’s assets.

fedupnow2 · 19/08/2023 11:42

Floofydawg · 19/08/2023 11:32

We have three kids between us. One mine, two his. No kids together. I owned the house before he moved in with a large amount of equity. My share of the house (around 75%) will be left to my daughter, while his share will be left to his two kids.

Your husband is being an arse.

Why isn't 100% being left to her? It was yours before he moved in and you have no joint kids together?

CherryMaDeara · 19/08/2023 11:48

fedupnow2 · 19/08/2023 11:42

Why isn't 100% being left to her? It was yours before he moved in and you have no joint kids together?

Show quote history

Presumably he is living there and contributing to the mortgage and maintenance of the house.

strawberry2017 · 19/08/2023 11:52

So realistically this could get massively complicated because no matter what you decide now unless you specifically will your part directly to your child then if you die your husband would inherit and could write whatever he wants in his will and ignore your wishes.
Likewise if he dies first you unless he specifically wills his share to the kids then you would inherit and could rewrite your will to do whatever you want.
This happens daily, so don't be naive and assume he will follow your wishes coz quite frankly once we die it's up to the person left behind to decide things.

PoliticallyIncorrectHitchling · 19/08/2023 12:03

CherryMaDeara · 19/08/2023 11:48

Presumably he is living there and contributing to the mortgage and maintenance of the house.

Show quote history

I wish OP wuld answer this question! If OP paid the deposit ID want to know what her "D"H brings to the table?

SunRainStorm · 19/08/2023 12:08

Bab2023 · 19/08/2023 09:05

Also. When we were renting he did expect me to pay half as he said kids shouldn’t pay lol.
i told him I was doing it because i wanted to and not because I should but it was still annoying his view on it.
im happy to pay half the house now because we own it, so it is my half fair and square!

Children don't pay, their PARENTS should pay their living costs.

Cheeky fucker!

Why did you let him get away with that?

icanbewhatiwant · 19/08/2023 12:14

It is difficult with step kids isn't it. Our situation is different in that dh's 2 dc's from 1st marriage are in their 30's. Our dc's are 22, 19 and 14. Dh is retired and sold his business so gave his older 2 money, enough for a good deposit on a house each. Dh has left his half of the house to me, plus put half in my name as it was all his. So the house will be mine if I'm left. The rest of his money is split 5 ways between all 5 of his dc's. I don't know if that was the fairest way to do it. But things can be reviewed in a few years. He's 15 years older than me...so one would assume he will go first. But that might not be the case.

aloris · 19/08/2023 12:25

Bab2023 · 19/08/2023 09:18

I paid the deposit…

Show quote history

The issue isn't what you would do if he died. It's what he or his next wife might do if YOU died.

Floofydawg · 19/08/2023 12:27

@fedupnow2 it's a bit more complicated than that. He paid some of the mortgage down and we've built an extension together, so he should have a share of the house.

RandomButtons · 19/08/2023 13:07

what Would be fairest is:

Your 50% goes to your child.

his 50% goes between his 4 children - 25% each.

although I’d be happy with your 50% going to your child and his 50% between his 3. It wouldn’t be fair though.

coodawoodashooda · 19/08/2023 13:08

aloris · 19/08/2023 12:25

The issue isn't what you would do if he died. It's what he or his next wife might do if YOU died.

Show quote history

Yeah. That's why I'd get life insurance. I've been stung by horrible ex so I also wouldn't tell anyone. My life insurance would be linked to my sibling to oversee.

billy1966 · 19/08/2023 13:13

He saw you coming OP, didn't he.

I hope it works out for you, but your boundaries seem very poor.

Him telling you that you should pay for half the cost for his children would be a big old red flag for most women.

Dingbats876 · 19/08/2023 13:14

Unless you own your house as tenants in common it’s all moot anyway as whomever survives the other dying will inherit the home, which likely makes up the bulk of any inheritance.

I have kids with an ex and a child with DH2 so my half is split between all my DC and is protected from any future wife of DH should I die first. This is possible as we own our home as tenants in common.

billy1966 · 19/08/2023 13:15

An insurance policy in your childs name administered by a person you trust is an excellent suggestion.

Mind yourself OP.

MostlyHappyMummy · 19/08/2023 13:17

You pay half the costs for your SC?
dies that include maintenance payments?

Codlingmoths · 19/08/2023 13:30

Make sure you explain to him that if he wants to disinherit one of his children Ie your shared child, then you will look at him completely differently and so will his child when they find out. He has always expected you to pay half covering his children too, but doesn’t think HE should treat his own children fairly??

Codlingmoths · 19/08/2023 13:32

And as for ‘ children shouldnt pay’ the answer is ‘Of course not. Please don’t pretend to be stupid, I’m not suggesting charge them, I’m suggesting you should pay for your own children.’

coodawoodashooda · 19/08/2023 13:33

Codlingmoths · 19/08/2023 13:30

Make sure you explain to him that if he wants to disinherit one of his children Ie your shared child, then you will look at him completely differently and so will his child when they find out. He has always expected you to pay half covering his children too, but doesn’t think HE should treat his own children fairly??

I feel annoyed just reading that. You've been way too good to him op.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 19/08/2023 13:35

What imo is unfair is his dc have 3 adults funding their lives and your dc has just 2...
Imo dc inherit from biological dps only.

SemperIdem · 19/08/2023 13:40

YANBU at all.

This is exactly why I will own as tenants in common with my partner when we buy together. My half will go to my child and his will go to his children, no shared children currently but I’d expect a fair split to take them into account equally with the siblings on either side.

BIossomtoes · 19/08/2023 13:50

It’s a really difficult one. We’ve been together for 25 years - most of our kids’ lives, he has three, I have one. Both of us have had inheritances in that time and our finances would be almost impossible to disentangle after all this time.

We decided we’d leave everything four ways purely for simplicity. I ran it past my son who said if it was left any other way he’d give the others part of his share “to make it fair”. His dad will leave him half a house, the other kids’ mum will leave them nothing.

supersparrow · 19/08/2023 13:52

OP, similar set-up here in that DH and I have 1 joint DC, he has 3 older DC. I subsidise my DSC on an ad-hoc basis (DH never asks and nor do my DSC) because I earn a lot more than DH, and they get to live in a much nicer house (99% mine according to the law of the country we live in) than they would otherwise. However, it ends there. In my will everything of mine goes to my own DC (DH will be able to stay in the house as long as he wishes/lives if I die first), while DH’s assets are split between his 4 DC. My DSC will inherit very little, if anything, from their DM, but that isn’t relevant.

Original poster
Bab2023 · 19/08/2023 13:56

Hi sorry for delay replying - ok lots to think about and discuss

to answer the question re deposit - we were both renting before but I had savings. No I haven’t done anything to protect the deposit , I guess I didn’t think about that! :/

OP posts: