To not want Grandparents EVERY Christmas

[MrsZargon]

Ridiculous I know, it’s the middle of August, but for the last couple of days I’ve been pondering Christmas and feeling myself get worked up about it already.
Situation is DH and I have one brother each. His brother lives abroad and never invites in-laws to spend Christmas with him, they always go to her family. My brother is also rubbish and despite living only 2 miles from my parents basically pleases himself over Christmas but never has my parents over and only occasionally turns up to anything they host.
which leaves us feeling like ever year our plans revolve around pleasing both sets of parents (and my 100yr old grandma who comes as part of my mum and dad package). Last few years they have come to us for Christmas Day, my in-laws have stayed over as they live a couple hours drive away and then we have all gone to my mums on Boxing Day. To add to my woe Boxing Day is also my birthday so feels a bit crap to always have to play the polite daughter/daughter in law and eat bubble and squeak.
Is it wrong of me to just not want to do that every year? And if not how on Earth can I explain that we don’t want to spend it with them? Going away isn’t an option so it’s not like we can say that we fancy a holiday for a change so what we’d basically be saying is we just want to stay home and have fun with our kids without them!

Oh gosh. It's so hard isn't it? We have a similar set up, although without the birthday too.
I don't know how we are going to get out of hosting Christmas either, so can't offer you any advice I'm afraid.
We have divorced parents and in laws, so it's like a week long of having people over for dinner and celebrations. I just want to stay in my pyjamas and eat junk, not be sociable with 4 different groups of people.

You aren’t being unreasonable but it’s just one day.

You are laying down the tradition for your kids that parents should be invited for Christmas. That will be nice for you in the future.

Maybe have an official birthday the Sunday after Christmas?

Can you host an early or late Christmas with your inlaws instead so the actual day and boxing are free? Throw a party the weekend before or after and exchange gifts etc then.

Do you live near enough to pop round to theirs on Christmas day after all the meal etc is done. I know you shouldn't feel obliged to but at 100 it will mean a lot to your grandma just to see you

And then on new years day go and visit your inlaws

I don’t know why you are doing this op, both sets of parents have at least one other person to have Christmas with. I feel you are just in a rut of expectation.

Tell them now you have this Christmas at home without any extended family this year. The/ You can organise drinks and cakes to celebrate before.

On Boxing Day book the best restaurant you can afford and celebrate your birthday properly.

I genuinely would not do it again this year. They are adults and have 4 months to organise the day themselves.

We host everyone Boxing Day with a huge buffet. Christmas Day is just us as a family and it’s bliss. Ds loves it as we get to focus on him, we’re not stressed out and everyone can do as they please.

Try that.

Alternatively alternate hosting. One year you host and then next year it’s Christmas on your own. Everyone else can either like it or lump it.

I hear you. Covid Christmas was a good one.

to be fair it’s not my 97 year old grandad who is the problem (and it’s for him that I keep doing this), it’s all the other relatives. We have the big house and the young children and so it falls to us. But I’m flipping knackered by it.

Children don’t automatically follow their parents choices… it’s terrible to do this so you can indoctrinate your children to fulfil their ‘obligations’ to you at a later date, how manipulative.

I know you don’t want to go away but me DH and our adult kids did last year and it was the best Christmas we have ever had. I love Christmas but Christmas in the Caribbean was bloomin’ fabulous.

We left behind elderly FIL and my brother. I initially felt a bit bad but gave my head a wobble and told myself neither of them ever felt bad about me stuck in the kitchen every year for the past 30 years.

Just tell them you want a relaxed affair this year and are keeping Christmas and Boxing day to Just you and the children.
Have a Christmas eve meal where they can watch the children open presents from them and then New Years with your in laws.

We went to Lapland for Christmas and it was beyond magical and by far the best and most relaxing Christmas we ever had! We came home and had a ‘family’ Christmas without the blood, sweat and tears and it felt like we had TWO xmases!!

Don’t send invites?

Be honest - We want a quiet Christmas

You are laying down the tradition for your kids that parents should be invited for Christmas. That will be nice for you in the future

Why is that a good idea? Why should your kids be put in the same position as OP?

Kids much prefer hanging round in their PJs making their own traditions.

Can't you go to them, one either side of Xmas/Bday?

Family Christmas consisted of bowls of party food and took 10 mins to put together. Chilled some fizz. Perfect!

I would have Christmas dinner the day before with your partner and DC.
Then Christmas Day just do a little buffet or something easy for food when the relatives show up. That way the family get to see you, you have less work to do on the actual day, and if they are very traditional and expect Christmas dinner on Christmas Day it will put them off coming to you next year! Everyone wins.

This year I would tell them all that you are going to your mother’s for Christmas (where you’ll see your 100 year old grandmother, and don’t stay all day) and on Boxing Day your husband has made plans for your birthday. Christmas Eve and early Christmas morning will be you, dh, and kids at home.

The in-laws can’t come and stay this year. That’s kind of the problem, they’re having to stay a couple days because of the 2 hr drive, and that understandably makes you feel overwhelmed. Just say no. In some ways relatives who live 2 hrs away are harder to deal with than far flung relatives or nearby ones.

Mention of the 100 year old grandmother, I think you should accept her for Christmas.

This is a great idea.

Have Christmas Day by yourselves, and make Boxing Day the family event.

That's similar to what my DDs did last year. Had their own Christmas Days and came to me on Boxing Day. The DD with my DGDs understandably wanted her little ones to have Christmas on their own house (which isn't really suitable for hosting us all, and not would we expect her to, what with having the little ones)

Similar situation here and it sucks. We broke free and said “no” about ten years ago. One blissful Christmas not spent on the bloody motorway shuttling between family, then my MIL fell ill and we knew the next one would be her last. Spent it at hers and then the next Christmas my mother demanded it was “her turn”. Widowed FIL went to other family but felt shit about putting it all on others so we were back to one year at theirs and one year at ours, though now with me doing all the cooking at both. Covid was a blissful escape. Then FIL became very infirm, so 2 Christmases at his before he passed.

Now my dad has died and last year my mother and brother came to us. At least we didn’t have to travel but it was awful. They wanted three square meals a day and apparently getting a cold sausage out of the fridge was beyond them. They were there for 5 nights. I am dreading this year.

You sound resentful of siblings when all they're doing is exercising their right to the Christmas they want. You feel you have to compensate for that, which is on you, it's not their fault they're setting boundaries better than you are. Just follow your sibling's lead and tell your parents you have other plans this year, or that you want to spend time just you guys. It won't kill them to spend Christmas on their own, it's not like they're actually on their own.

I find these sort of posts very hard to understand. Why do you feel you have to see the parents on Xmas Dayvor Boxing Day. Why cant you visit or host another day?
You mention other family members that don't 'help'. It's not even as if anyone would be left on their own.
I do kind of feel that if you don't speak up its your burden to bare.
Just out of curiosity, how many years have your parents got 'dumped' with grandma. Do you have friends or children. Maybe you would feel less awkward saying you were going to Xs for Xmas?
The alternative is you will never have the Xmas you want till everyone's dead! Stop this nonsense now.

Time to put your foot down. Make it a chilled out day just you and your immediate family

Yeah
My mum - every Xmas day and boxing day
She hates Xmas
Always has
My siblings are shit too
I dream of going away, so I don't have to it :(