To not want Grandparents EVERY Christmas

[MrsZargon]

Ridiculous I know, it’s the middle of August, but for the last couple of days I’ve been pondering Christmas and feeling myself get worked up about it already.
Situation is DH and I have one brother each. His brother lives abroad and never invites in-laws to spend Christmas with him, they always go to her family. My brother is also rubbish and despite living only 2 miles from my parents basically pleases himself over Christmas but never has my parents over and only occasionally turns up to anything they host.
which leaves us feeling like ever year our plans revolve around pleasing both sets of parents (and my 100yr old grandma who comes as part of my mum and dad package). Last few years they have come to us for Christmas Day, my in-laws have stayed over as they live a couple hours drive away and then we have all gone to my mums on Boxing Day. To add to my woe Boxing Day is also my birthday so feels a bit crap to always have to play the polite daughter/daughter in law and eat bubble and squeak.
Is it wrong of me to just not want to do that every year? And if not how on Earth can I explain that we don’t want to spend it with them? Going away isn’t an option so it’s not like we can say that we fancy a holiday for a change so what we’d basically be saying is we just want to stay home and have fun with our kids without them!

'I'm so sorry, but we need a simple family Christmas alone this year.'

Kids much prefer hanging round in their PJs making their own traditions

I've been on MN for two decades trying to challenge this rhetoric. My Mum always refused to have anybody over at Christmas and my heart broke for my grandparents who were full time carers for my disabled aunt and had no other family. As soon as I could host, they all came to me and my Mum shocked herself by loving it. So for 16yrs, Mum and I have alternated hosting and I can't tell you the joy of having those precious moments with my extended family and especially my Grandmas. I inherited my paternal grandma's diaries and reading the sadness of her Christmases when I was young and the transformation into the joy of the older years has been wonderful.

My dc are regularly consulted on Christmas plans and both insist that seeing extended family is the most important bit.

I'm not saying sacrifice yourself or be unhappy but there might be compromising like alternating, taking turns, spreading out celebrations.

Not all DC see Christmas as about toys and PJs and IMHO, it's important that it's only a small part in a bigger picture.

We spent the last Christmas on our own after having to during covid and enjoying it.

We really loved the day as we live an hour away from family so normally spent the day travelling around.

Was tricky telling family but they already know we're doing the same again this year and they've started making their own plans

I dunno, my Christmases are like this! I just think of it as extended family time.

Could you go on holiday? That’s going to be your best bet.

Conversely I think she's laying down the tradition that adult children don't have a choice or agency over their own lives.

OP, I broke free from this tradition a few years back. There were a lot of tantrums and tears from my narc mother, but everyone has now settled into our new routine of not seeing anyone. I now look forward to Christmas and the kids much prefer not being pulled away from their new toys or having to clear them up ready for guests.

So several years ago we were in the same situation but without the birthday. What we did was anytime Christmas was brought up we said a friend had recommended an amazing trip to Belgium over Christmas and we were going to book it, but we never quite got round to booking it. However it meant that the grandparents had to make their own plans, that broke the cycle and now every year we just say we’re going to have a quiet one.

You have the added advantage of your birthday, your DH could be thinking about booking a special trip for your birthday!

For the last 4 years, we have finally been able to do what we want at Christmas and just have us and the kids.
As they are growing up and will be wanting to do their own thing soon, I cherish these times. They are gleeful about relaxing and doing as they please and it is blissful. We rarely get a chance to meet up when all of them aren't busy so its one of the few times we can all get together.
We do meet up with DH's family at some stage over the festive season. but not on the three Xmas days. It's so much more relaxed and I wish I'd made a stand years ago in the days of more than 20 hypercritical, cookery show-watching fussy eaters for sit-down Christmas lunch.
I think the younger family members on both sides, who now have boyfriends and girlfriends in tow are glad of meeting up in a more relaxed setting as well.

This, exactly this!

@CaramelMac that's such a sneaky but brilliant idea.

Say you’re going away for your birthday and then hunker down at home? If someone ‘catches’ you out, you could say your flight was cancelled and you didn’t want to trouble anyone last-minute. Sneaky but maybe saves difficult conversations!

Have you thought about contacting both brothers and telling them - we have been invited away for Christmas (they don't have to know) and we would really appreciate it if after hosting mum and dad for x-amout of years you could take a turn this year or go over to them.

Perhaps you could arrange a mini celebration or before or at New Year.

These big family get togethers are fine and dandy if you all get on really well, and even better if the labour and costs are fairly shared so no-one feels put upon. In my long experience of Christmasses this is rarely the case and at least one person feels thoroughly disgruntled for some reason or other. The attitude of some older relatives that the younger ones MUST entertain them EVERY Christmas day I find very thoughtless indeed. Yes of course, if you love each a lot and are highly compatible then fantastic - lucky you - party on but don't guilt trip others who aren't in the same boat.

There are two approaches I might take to this which don't involve saying "no you can't come".

The first is to tell them you're sick of traditional Christmas dinner/you've gone vegan, and so Christmas dinner this year is going to be a selection of curries/a nut roast or similar. That would be enough to put a lot of traditionalists off.

The second is to tell them that they're welcome to join you but you're having a "pyjama" Christmas with absolutely no complicated cooking or hosting. You'll chuck some nibbles in the oven, there will be plenty of food and drink in the kitchen but everyone will have to fend for themselves and you and the kids are planning to stay in pyjamas for most of the day.

just tell them that you'll be doing things differently this year

Say, this year we are going to have a quiet Christmas at home, hope no body take offence but its a lot of work and this year you fancy a rest.

We got covid and chickenpox last Christmas. It was rubbish timing but we had a great time. No rushing. Not faffing. Not travelling. On Christmas day we had a buffet and on boxing day my mum sent Christmas Dinner and the kids present and left them on the door step. It was actually great. Anyhow, maybe feign illness.

You need to break the cycle. And ignore the posters who try and shame you into continuing, it’s just perpetuating the idea women have to put up with this stuff.

Most people I know do some kind of casual family thing on Boxing Day and just do immediate family on Christmas Day. I’ve had friends who’ve never had a drink on Christmas Day because they’ve always been driving and have eventually put their foots down, or acted like a servant for various relatives who didn’t want to cook for themselves.

I think as long as you see them sometime it’s fine, but going away might be the way to break the cycle.

Can you say ‘this year we’re eating out for Christmas Day as we’ve got a voucher for at X place,
so we’re letting you know early so we can see you another day, is X date okay instead?’

Say that to both parties.

Gosh that’s quite manipulative too. We don’t have to host every single year just in case someone passes. It doesn’t sound memorable, it sounds exhausting.

I agree with the 'exhausting' part, but not with the first part.

Nobody should be forced to do anything, but for many people, Christmas is a very special family time and focus of the year. When you have a 100yo in your number, it's extremely likely that this (or next) will be their last Christmas, so I would very much prioritise them.

Maybe wait until your Grandma is no longer with you and then raise your concerns/put your foot down?

To be honest the older I've got the more honest I've become. Sometimes we have to put our own sanity first.
If this were me I'd just tell them that I'm feeling overwhelmed with having to host every Christmas and that this year id like to relax and chill and enjoy the 4 or so days without all the fuss. They're not going to force themselves onto you.
Honesty is the best policy!!

Completely agree. My favourite memories as a child of Christmas were of spending time with my family. Now as an adult, I wish that I could just spend it with DS because travelling to my family is a right pain. But I do it, because it means a lot to my family and because I'm making sure DS has those wonderful memories too. I wish that I could host them, but my mum won't relinquish her hosting duties!

We have our parents over every year as we have the room. I'm an only child and would hate to think of mine alone. DH has siblings so his parents do the rounds on the day. I like having others in the house to take the pressure off entertaining DC! I hope we're included in our kids plans at Christmas but I would never force myself or like to think we weren't wanted.

Do you have children? If so I would grit my teeth and go with it. And celebrate my birthday a week later in style.

We no longer have any grandparents left but our children remember with great fondness all the Christmases with the grandparents.

This! My Mum stayed five nights at Xmas 2019 and nearly drove me insane in the process. It was awful. We had her Every Single Year whilst my DB got out of it every time.

Then thankfully Covid meant we didn't have to see her at all for 2020 Xmas and same again for 2021. It was so much better.

Trying to avoid the pattern restarting of her always coming to us. Our new house she'd struggle to get into our spare room so would have to stay at a local hotel so thankfully that means a repeat of the five nights is unlikely!

*Why is that a good idea? Why should your kids be put in the same position as OP?

Kids much prefer hanging round in their PJs making their own traditions.*

So, in old age, you want to spend every Christmas on your own with a ready meal, because few people want to cook a Christmas dinner just for themselves? What a misery!

No, I didn’t want to hang around in my PJs making my own traditions, as a child. One year, my parents had our grandparents and my aunt, uncle and cousin for the day at Christmas; the next year, everyone went to my aunt and uncle’s. I never conceived of anything different.

Likewise, DS, DDs, their OHs and the grandchildren come here for Christmas day, Covid restrictions apart! They all love a family Christmas Day! I’ve got a feeling all the adults really enjoy someone else doing the cooking! Granddaughter, aged 5 tells me, she likes our house better than her parents’ house!

I’m not saying that the OP is unreasonable but it’s weird that Christmas has become a mad festival that people plan or dread in August.