To not want Grandparents EVERY Christmas

[MrsZargon]

Ridiculous I know, it’s the middle of August, but for the last couple of days I’ve been pondering Christmas and feeling myself get worked up about it already.
Situation is DH and I have one brother each. His brother lives abroad and never invites in-laws to spend Christmas with him, they always go to her family. My brother is also rubbish and despite living only 2 miles from my parents basically pleases himself over Christmas but never has my parents over and only occasionally turns up to anything they host.
which leaves us feeling like ever year our plans revolve around pleasing both sets of parents (and my 100yr old grandma who comes as part of my mum and dad package). Last few years they have come to us for Christmas Day, my in-laws have stayed over as they live a couple hours drive away and then we have all gone to my mums on Boxing Day. To add to my woe Boxing Day is also my birthday so feels a bit crap to always have to play the polite daughter/daughter in law and eat bubble and squeak.
Is it wrong of me to just not want to do that every year? And if not how on Earth can I explain that we don’t want to spend it with them? Going away isn’t an option so it’s not like we can say that we fancy a holiday for a change so what we’d basically be saying is we just want to stay home and have fun with our kids without them!

Op I get the issue.
Does anyone chip in, to share the hassle, could you ask for them to do a course each?
It's early enough to try organizing that.

I've a friend who opts for an Indian Takeaway for Christmas Dinner. Could that be an option?

I think it would be easier to end the boxing day stuff than Christmas.

Yeahletting your extended family slowly realise you've been lying to their face because you don't want to see them is such a good solution!

This

If a chilled Christmas fits it fits if you need a crazy hectic one then blow your socks off but nobody can insist the other is better Not sure that Christmas with relatives is necessarily crazy hectic. That too is down to individual families. Getting Christmas dinner cooked is hectic for the cook, (but not much worse for 8 than for 3) and if you take turns there are years when you don't have to do it at all, but the rest of the day has always been relaxed.

Yes, families are different - how well you get on with the rest of the family, and whether you view Christmas as a time for giving or a time for putting your own little nuclear family first.

"Gosh that’s quite manipulative too."

How on earth is it manipulative?? Jeez that word gets thrown around like confetti these days.

We had many many christmas days with my PIL and then just my MIL. Because they lived so far away they claimed it as ‘their holiday’.
The problem being my MIL hated fucking Christmas, she hated the food, the presents, not being able to sit and watch TV all day. She moaned and complained and brought down the atmosphere every single time. My FIL would drink heavily which was also not fun.
For all those saying you’ll miss these times, every family is different. Just because it’s a fun joyous time with your extended family doesn’t mean it’s the same for everyone.

I can’t stand the whole nonsense surrounding Christmas. Me and my Dh used to spend it apart as families are hours apart. Now he does shifts, I’ve just refused to have him come home to an empty house and my family do a huge meal so my widowed dm is never left alone.

Thank you to all of you that have taken the time to reply. It’s reassuring to read that a lot of people are in similar situations and that a lot of people find it tricky over Christmas.

To answer a few questions - yes we do have children, and yes we did have one lockdown Christmas on our own. It was unexpectedly lovely and perhaps the start of the feelings I have now. I love my family and we do get on well generally, and I’m completely happy to have a family gathering at ours/or theirs at some point over the Christmas period, it’s just the rigidity to which we feel we have to spend specifically Christmas Day and Boxing Day with them. In fairness my mum hosts Boxing Day so I only have to do the one day but it’s more that it’s a given we will go to her without ever being asked. My in-laws would happily host Christmas Day but my kids don’t want to go there because it’s “boring”. Just for one year I would like to see my kids open their presents rather than sweating in the kitchen, and celebrate my birthday in a way I choose rather than having to do the same thing year after year.

I also agree with the people saying that families are precious. I honestly don’t think I could just disregard the feelings of the older generation and please myself which is obviously what has got me into this place to begin with, and of course it is only normal and right that they should enjoy their children and grandchildren at Christmas. Just really want to break this cycle without hurting anyone’s feelings, so that it is ok to do a different day instead. Going away is unfortunately not a possibility this year due to finances so I guess I’ll have to wait it out for now!!

@MrsZargon id just tell them that this year we are having a quiet Christmas at home and then we think in future years we’ll split things up a bit so others can take a turn hosting on Christmas Day.

stop being a passenger in your own life and people pleasing everyone.

fun can still be had. Memories will still
be precious. Others can step up a bit or make their own plans for one year.

Make Boxing Day a day that isn’t about leftovers - but about you. x

I definitely think its easier to sort your birthday out first. Reclaim it for yourself, and separate it from Christmas.

Make sure you call it your birthday and not Boxing Day.

'Sorry mum not planning on coming round on my birthday want to stay home, have takeaway, caterpilar cakes and watch x'

Been there done that and resented it.

those who came to mine are now dead so we have OUR Christmas. When the kids were small DH had to drive to get aunt, his mum, eat then take them back. Me cooking and clearing up and once the aunt told me the kids were noisy. Bloody bitch. I saw red so encouraged them to make more noise.

now we do what we want. Please tell them its not for thus year. The time frame when kids understand santa is very short and a magical time. Please dont have Christmas for others, have your own.

Absolutely. One one should have any obligation to host. I’ve already told my kids this once they have their own family, its their time.

Just for one year I would like to see my kids open their presents rather than sweating in the kitchen

But surely that's just a matter of changing the way you're catering for Christmas? Do a later Christmas dinner. Do the prep the day before. Simplify what you're making. DH could muck in. Crikey, Christmas dinner is just a big roast, it shouldn't mean one person is unable to do anything else but cook & stress all morning.

and celebrate my birthday in a way I choose rather than having to do the same thing year after year

Fair enough.

Are you 100% sure that your parents want to visit you for Christmas anyway? DH and I would love to have a Christmas on our own without feeling obliged to spend it with our adult children (who we adore, but a completely lazy Christmas Day on our own occasionally would also be really really nice).

“stop being a passenger in your own life and people pleasing everyone.”
^
This quote from a PP is it. So many people doing things because of duty or previous routines. I think, women especially, need to be assertive in having their wants and needs considered. Too many women out there being the chef/cleaner/magical maker for the generations above and below them while everyone else relaxes.

I would love to have a family xmas, with extended family……if I had a family who respected basic boudaries, were thoughtful about helping prepare food etc. unfortunately I don’t I have family that come, sit to be waited on and create a shit atmosphere. So I say no thanks I’ll have xmas alone with my kids.

Op does it have to be all or nothing. Can you maybe invite them for part of the day or Xmas eve? Or can you be more direct in making sure the load of work is shared, mum can bring desert, granny can make a side dish, kids help wash up etc.

We were stuck in a similar trap. In the end we told everyone in October, that we were having a quiet Christmas. Everyone accepted it without question. We had the best, relaxed Christmas ever! Just send out messages saying you're having a quiet Christmas this year, so won't be hosting unfortunately. This gives them plenty of time to organise an alternative. My bil got out annually hosting, by announcing he was only making a turkey curry one year. No-one wanted to go to his! 😂

I look forward to being with everyone I love . It's 1 day.

But maybe not so nice for her DC?
I would bloody hate my DC to feel obligated to invite me over when I'm 100. I'm planning on causing raucous uproar in my nursing home.