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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want Grandparents EVERY Christmas

118 replies

MrsZargon · 18/08/2023 17:37

Ridiculous I know, it’s the middle of August, but for the last couple of days I’ve been pondering Christmas and feeling myself get worked up about it already.
Situation is DH and I have one brother each. His brother lives abroad and never invites in-laws to spend Christmas with him, they always go to her family. My brother is also rubbish and despite living only 2 miles from my parents basically pleases himself over Christmas but never has my parents over and only occasionally turns up to anything they host.
which leaves us feeling like ever year our plans revolve around pleasing both sets of parents (and my 100yr old grandma who comes as part of my mum and dad package). Last few years they have come to us for Christmas Day, my in-laws have stayed over as they live a couple hours drive away and then we have all gone to my mums on Boxing Day. To add to my woe Boxing Day is also my birthday so feels a bit crap to always have to play the polite daughter/daughter in law and eat bubble and squeak.
Is it wrong of me to just not want to do that every year? And if not how on Earth can I explain that we don’t want to spend it with them? Going away isn’t an option so it’s not like we can say that we fancy a holiday for a change so what we’d basically be saying is we just want to stay home and have fun with our kids without them!

OP posts:
Totaly · 18/08/2023 18:45

Family Christmas consisted of bowls of party food and took 10 mins to put together

Wow - did it magically appear in your fridge? Did Santa earn the money to pay for it?

No …. Mmmm

weegiemum · 18/08/2023 18:47

We really have no choice for Christmas when it comes to MIL, dh has one brother who lives in Canada and they usually see MIL in the summer when she visits Vancouver. bIL hasn't come to the uk for 5 years, though his wife and 2 boys have come twice. So Christmas is always down to us and although she says she doesn't want to bother us or will go to friends, she really struggled in 2020 when she couldn't travel to us (she's a flight or a ferry journey within the uk away) and we do mainly enjoy having her - I'm disabled and find the cooking quite overwhelming but she is happy to help and does loads of the chopping things up and makes her marvellous pavlova for dessert!

It's not that we don't like having her, it's just that it's assumed we will.

Calibrachoa · 18/08/2023 18:47

We were originally expected to see my parents Christmas Day all day and Boxing Day as dhs mum lived the other side of the world so we tended to visit her at less expensive times to fly. I then after several years realised that it was OK not to see them boxing day. I'm now thinking that just one meal would be OK on Christmas day. Doesn't have to be all day.
Maybe try and cut things down to in laws over Christmas eve. Give them lunch on xmas day. They go home. Parents come over for Christmas tea. They go home. You relax on your birthday

ApolloandDaphne · 18/08/2023 18:48

I would love to have a Christmas just us and my DDs (adults who live far from us but always come home for Christmas) but my DM just expects to be with us. She won't drive the 30 minutes to us so needs picked up and dropped off. My DB lives just up the road from her but he never invites her and she says she wouldn't like Christmas with him. I have no idea why. He has the youngest child in the family. Drives me a bit mad.

Inkpotlover · 18/08/2023 18:50

Why don't you host both sets of grandparents on the same day for once? Do they get along? I get it's a faff on Boxing Day as it's your birthday, but if you did a buffet style lunch and asked them to each contribute a dish that would lessen the workload. You shouldn't feel bad about wanting Xmas Day to yourselves.

JaninaDuszejko · 18/08/2023 18:55

My Mum hosted Christmas every year for my entire childhood for my grandparents on both sides (one set staying for 2 weeks), various single great uncles and aunts, and my aunt, uncle and cousins. A minimum of 16 people! My aunt only hosted a few times when I was in my early 20s then my generation started hosting.

Calibrachoa · 18/08/2023 18:55

Calibrachoa · 18/08/2023 18:47

We were originally expected to see my parents Christmas Day all day and Boxing Day as dhs mum lived the other side of the world so we tended to visit her at less expensive times to fly. I then after several years realised that it was OK not to see them boxing day. I'm now thinking that just one meal would be OK on Christmas day. Doesn't have to be all day.
Maybe try and cut things down to in laws over Christmas eve. Give them lunch on xmas day. They go home. Parents come over for Christmas tea. They go home. You relax on your birthday

Or if you don't want to see them at all, just say you want to give the siblings a chance to spend Christmas with them this year, so won't be hosting this year, but will host next year. If they were going to be on their own that's one thing, but none of them are on their own. The grandmother will be with your parents

Misunderstoodagain · 18/08/2023 18:56

Good compromise could be that you have them for Xmas eve, say you'll do a dinner and then just be honest. Say you all just want a quiet Xmas and not have to get dressed and go out anywhere etc.

PragmaticWench · 18/08/2023 18:57

DH and I have one widowed parent each. They both come to stay every Christmas, for days and days.

I feel horrible guilt at feeling so down at the prospect of this being what will happen every year. Guilt because we both know how awful it is to lose a parent so should just be feeling grateful to have a parent coming to share Christmas with us. Except I'd like to have a choice of doing something different.

queenofthebongo · 18/08/2023 18:58

I broke the cycle once by going away. We booked a hotel and went away for 4 days over Christmas. It was awesome. I want to do that this year too!

Hippyhippybake · 18/08/2023 18:58

We are in the same boat, we have the big house and I’m the one known as “the good cook” so year after year it’s here and I get exhausted by it. I know my children love it so I try and keep my mouth shut but it’s hard.

TheUsualChaos · 18/08/2023 18:59

I think you just have to be honest OP and tell the parents that as you have hosted several Christmas's in a row now, you have decided that this year you would like to have a quiet Christmas with just the DC. You also need to communicate this with yours and DH siblings so that they are clear that you aren't hosting the parents this year. If it turns out the others don't invite them then that is not your fault. You can always offer to have them for a New Year's Day lunch or something if that would make you feel less guilty about it... Not that you should by the way!

Perhaps it would be fair to tell your siblings going forwards that you will only be hosting every other year. This is what we do and it works well.

rollonretirementfgs · 18/08/2023 19:05

Fivethirtyeight · 18/08/2023 17:48

You aren’t being unreasonable but it’s just one day.

You are laying down the tradition for your kids that parents should be invited for Christmas. That will be nice for you in the future.

Maybe have an official birthday the Sunday after Christmas?

Exactly this. In years to come you'll be hoping your kids invite you to Christmas and continue the tradition.
I think having a house full is what Christmas is all about... if it's just you and the kids it's just another day 🤷🏻‍♀️

ASGIRC · 18/08/2023 19:06

JaninaDuszejko · 18/08/2023 18:55

My Mum hosted Christmas every year for my entire childhood for my grandparents on both sides (one set staying for 2 weeks), various single great uncles and aunts, and my aunt, uncle and cousins. A minimum of 16 people! My aunt only hosted a few times when I was in my early 20s then my generation started hosting.

My grandmother used to host, then it became my aunt and now my mom has the bigger house, so she hosts. Eventually it will be me or my brother (we already host the smaller Christmas Day dinner - we celebrate Christmas Eve)
At least 17 people, more likely to be close to 30 when the whole family manages to come (some have alternate years with in laws).

I cannot compreend the concept of not spending Christmas with the extended family. But then again, we get together on Sunday because we like to.

TinyTeacher · 18/08/2023 19:07

You need a Rota. It's bonkers to try and please everyone in a short window.

We sorted out a Rota when we got married - my parents are easy, but DH has divorced parents and a living grandmother. So we decided who got which Christmas in advance. Everyone else got a present exchange a week or two in advance (could involve afternoon tea/dinner) and a phone call on the day.

Now we have children we still have a rota but mostly people come to us at the moment as it's easier all round.

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 18/08/2023 19:15

We have the bigger house now and the post covid Christmas I had my in-laws plus sil, bil and nil from the 22nd to the 27th then my parents from the 30th to the 2nd of Jan!
Last year we went to my parents as they had a big celebration on Xmas eve but we stayed in an air bnb and it was fab!
This year we're just being us 4 at home. My parents are coming up the weekend before and we'll celebrate with them then. The in-laws, no idea, I'll leave that to DH! Wink

Flossflower · 18/08/2023 19:19

It is August and already people are talking about the dread of Christmas.
I think you should all have Christmas by yourselves if you want.

Georgyporky · 18/08/2023 19:24

You could always tell them you've converted to a religion that does not celebrate Xmas - plenty to choose from. 😀😀😀

Anothernamethesamegame · 18/08/2023 19:29

I stopped my parent coming xmas day because I dislike spending time with them and I didn’t want them ruining my day. I simply said “we are having Christmas just us this year, but would you like to come around for the day on Boxing Day”? We’ve done this for 4-5 years now and the last few they knew the score and didn’t even mention xmas day.

You brother and BIL do what suits them, it’s not really anything to do with them if you keep inviting in-laws to your house.

I think it would be more complicated if it was a single parent alone, but they’re a couple with another of their parents. Why can they do xmas the theee of them?

Robinbuildsbears · 18/08/2023 19:32

YABU, Christmas is for spending with family, as many family members as you can get a hold of. Can't understand the resentment most people seem to have for their families outside of the nuclear unit.

POWL01 · 18/08/2023 19:32

While I do understand how you feel they won't be here one day and you'll have very different Christmases, you'll miss these days, you just wait 🤷‍♀️

Lastchancechica · 18/08/2023 19:35

POWL01 · 18/08/2023 19:32

While I do understand how you feel they won't be here one day and you'll have very different Christmases, you'll miss these days, you just wait 🤷‍♀️

Gosh that’s quite manipulative too. We don’t have to host every single year just in case someone passes. It doesn’t sound memorable, it sounds exhausting.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 18/08/2023 19:37

Can you afford to go to a restaurant, maybe on Christmas Eve?

PlayedCatsEyeMarbles · 18/08/2023 19:41

I’ve posted several times about absolutely hating Christmas

I hate Christmas, nip it in the bud now, while you can

Twenty plus years and counting.

Boodahh · 18/08/2023 19:45

Don't have an answer but very similar here, even down to dh and I having useless brothers!

BIL and SIL have never seen the inlaws at Xmas, so it lands on us.
I tend not to think about Xmas much, but DH likes to plan and discuss things early 😬.