To not want Grandparents EVERY Christmas

[MrsZargon]

Ridiculous I know, it’s the middle of August, but for the last couple of days I’ve been pondering Christmas and feeling myself get worked up about it already.
Situation is DH and I have one brother each. His brother lives abroad and never invites in-laws to spend Christmas with him, they always go to her family. My brother is also rubbish and despite living only 2 miles from my parents basically pleases himself over Christmas but never has my parents over and only occasionally turns up to anything they host.
which leaves us feeling like ever year our plans revolve around pleasing both sets of parents (and my 100yr old grandma who comes as part of my mum and dad package). Last few years they have come to us for Christmas Day, my in-laws have stayed over as they live a couple hours drive away and then we have all gone to my mums on Boxing Day. To add to my woe Boxing Day is also my birthday so feels a bit crap to always have to play the polite daughter/daughter in law and eat bubble and squeak.
Is it wrong of me to just not want to do that every year? And if not how on Earth can I explain that we don’t want to spend it with them? Going away isn’t an option so it’s not like we can say that we fancy a holiday for a change so what we’d basically be saying is we just want to stay home and have fun with our kids without them!

Kids much prefer hanging round in their PJs making their own traditions. Really? I loved the excitement of a family Christmas with games and quizzes. My mother and her sister took it in turns to host, and whoever hosted had the fun of deciding and preparing for the games - which was fun for me once I was of an age to contribute. Christmas was so much more than just the day.

I’ve always thought of Christmas as a time to look outwards and bring the family together. I know I’m in a minority but I find the concept of “our Christmas with just our own little family” quite alien and, indeed, selfish. I think I’ve only had one Christmas with just my partner, and that’s because we were in Lisbon. The other 70-odd have been with family.

I might feel different if I had relatives staying overnight, or a family not capable of staying on good terms for 8 hours or so.

Just don't do it. I don't understand why people tie themselves in knots trying to please other people at Christmas. Pre DC DH and I went away some years, or visited one or other family, or hosted friends, or had just the 2 of us. My parents never hosted anyone extra for Christmas Day, they kept it to our family unit, and encouraged all us siblings to do whatever we want at Christmas, and we do. I'll be saying the same to DC when they are older. Some of our best Christmases have been spent abroad.

To those saying it's only one day so suck it up, it is not a reason to sign up for drudgery every year.

Did you not get a quiet Christmas by yourselves with your kids at any point during covid lockdowns?

Ask your in laws to book a hotel or holiday cottage so they are only there for the day time.
Buy all the food frozen in advance from Donald Russell or similar so all you have to do is reheat it. It’s not cheap but excellent quality and it’s all in the freezer by November so no last minute shopping. And there will not be enough left overs for Boxing Day.

You’re brave for posting this. This is very outing. May as well sign off your name at the bottom

I'm sorry, but this whole thing can fuck off.

OPs child should be taught that everyone else's feelings are more important? I really dislike this way of thinking. When does OP get a birthday when she gets to do what she likes? Never?

Well, without being harsh, your grandmother won’t be around for much longer, and it will probably be easier to change things after she’s gone. You’ll be able to book a hotel somewhere in between in-laws if you wanted, have Christmas in a nice hotel. In the meantime I’d carry on with Christmas Day as it is, but tell your husband you want spoiling on your birthday. To go out somewhere as a couple. Tell your mum that too. It shouldn’t be a big deal.

Oh fuck off. What a naïve and ignorant post.

Not everyone has a good family. Not everyone has a good relationship with family members.

I hate this blind assumption that we must all sacrifice our own lives forever for blood relatives against our will, when they may be shitty people.

Just say no. If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it.

I like my family, I get on well with them, but I hate spending Christmas with a lot of people. I hate having to be “on” all day, squashed into a house that isn’t quite big enough, opening presents with an audience and having to comment on each one, having to cook for a lot of people and then tidy up. I’d rather spend time with family when we can go out somewhere, and go home when we want without all the expectations that Christmas places on us.

As a child I loved not being dragged everywhere and as an adult I hate the years we have to drag the children everywhere and so do they. We do every other year so we at least get some rest from it.

For every family who loves a pj chill at home day There will be a wanting to be with extended family children. It’s about your own family. You can’t really argue that you’re right and they are wrong. If a chilled Christmas fits it fits if you need a crazy hectic one then blow your socks off but nobody can insist the other is better 😉

Also agree with PP. sitting in houses not big enough to accommodate nicely, being on show opening presents for your reaction. Being perfect for the day while your nephews being an arsehole. Grandads asleep, granny is faffing, children are bored of said nephews. Husband is on his phone as is parents of said nephews. My children baring youngest on their phones bored too. But it’s rude to leave too soon after dinner and dinner is always served 3 hours after said arrival time. Then we must play games.

I hate those Christmas days.

This.

Our family mostly take turns hosting xmas day and my mum used to host boxing day, but my sister has always flat out refused to do anything other than their own family stuff on boxing day, they always wanted it as their 'chill out day' which is a great idea!

Why not ask the inlaws to come Christmas eve and go home Christmas day evening? or boxing day morning after a quick breakfast? That way you'll have the rest of Boxing days to yourselves to just do your own thing, if you're clear about it the family will not mind if they've spent Christmas with you.

Or ask if instead of your mum hosting boxing day for everyone, if you can take it in turns to host xmas day each year instead? and keep boxing day for your chill out day!

Oh here’s the but one day train. Funnily enough not all of us will miss these boring our brains out traditions just because one day they will die. I can respect people and also when they are dead without being sucked into their wants putting my own and childrens behind me. My children will hopefully be alive long after my own parents. Who had their days of dictatorship over Christmas.

Guess what we all die one day. I’d rather my children be happy and not feel a debt to host me because one day I’ll die. And then really they will finally get the day they want 🤫

why in the world are they at yours for 5 days??? one night at most is all that is needed! you are not there slave so remember that and tell your husband too!!

I notice that most of the people praising extended family Christmases are also saying that it alternated who hosted. The OP is doing it herself (with or without her DH pitching in too, she doesn't say).

OP I would say take one of the suggestions here for a much more relaxed Christmas day, forget about turkey and all the trimmings, and then have your birthday with DH and DCs. You don't have to do Boxing Day as well. And if there are complaints that it isn't a proper Christmas then suggest Christmas day at theirs next year and don't back down. You shouldn't be dreading it for the next four months.

Lie and say you've been invited to spend Xmas at a friend's house

When there are issues with family Christmases, it's often because of a serious imbalance of labour.

One part of the family views it as a chance to sit on their arses being waited on hand and foot. And the other part of the family are essentially free labour for the day, expected to skivvy for no payment but with a smile on their faces. Not infrequently, the latter are also paying for the privilege of their own servitude. In the worst cases, the "skivvy" part of the family is a lonely group of one, while everyone else luxuriates in food and drinks fetched for them, chocolate wrappers floating around and making snide comments about the children of the skivvy and their habits.

If you're the one who always has to "make the magic", it's amazing how fucking un-magical it can become really quickly.

@OhmygodDont sorry, can't really follow what you're saying but I think I get the gist. You sound very bitter. I just know I had very similar thoughts as the OP until circumstances changed in my extended family recently and how I now appreciate every single wider family moment. Totally get it if there are issues within a family/ relationship tensions of course.

YANBU - but I get it, I'm my mums only child and she's single so she will forever come to ours. Although you're sounds more stressful

This in spades!

It is just a day. They won't live forever.
Maybe your own kids will turn out like your brother . You will be able to have Christmas at home by yourself as much as your want then .

Oh I don't know... assuming you like them and they are nice people who are grateful for your efforts/help out/bring food then I think it's lovely to have family around at Christmas. Especially your grandma. You are only going to have a couple of these left with her OP! It's sort of what it's all about and lovely for your DC to have generations of their family around.

If it's too much pressure to host then scale back on some of it or rope them in to help more with the cooking and wash up etc.

I don't do it
I just refuse. I say we are staying at home and everyone goes ok
It's one day and I'm not doing it. This year might be different as I'm ready to.leave my marriage so I.might be dealing with seeing my child but I don't do big crazy Christmas