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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sorry, ANOTHER babies at weddings thread, but I would like your views on this - AIBU?

506 replies

champagnesupernova · 28/02/2008 22:41

I have a q good friend (ex-colleague, she was my boss but we've kept in touch) who's a good deal older than me, been big on career and so never got round to having kids.

Having been with her man for over ten years he finally gets round to popping the question and setting the date.

She tells me this the day I've arranged to meet her to tell her I'm pg with number 1. Big all round

Turns out the date of the wedding is 3-4 weeks after my baby's due.

As I said we're q good friends, so imagine my delight when a save the date card comes.

And then the invitation arrives addressed to Mr and Mrs Supernova (no mention of the bump, but it's not born yet)

I reply very early and in the reply card I put "Mr and Mrs Supernova and infant" and add a note saying I know planning a wedding is v complicated, just want to say that as it's so early and I"m planning on b/fing I'll have the baby with me, but I've heard they sleep for ages so hopefully it won't be a problem Wanted to check you're okay with this.

Met up with her today and said are you okay with this.

She's not and basically doesn't want us to come as she's worried about saying no to other people with babies and not us and annoying the other guests (most of whose kids will be grownup)

I am really really really by this.

She invited us. Knowing we were going to have a brand new baby. She could have just not invited us and said they were having probs with numbers and I wouldn't have been any the wiser. Now I feel that I've misread the invitation and that I've been UNINVITED.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PSCMUM · 01/03/2008 18:40

and actually if she is worried about other people getting the hump as they are not allowed to bring the'ir kids, why isnt she worried about OP getting the hump as she is now uninvited?!

Chequers · 01/03/2008 18:43

Message withdrawn

PSCMUM · 01/03/2008 18:45

i agree. its not personal, its just the way it is, but if my friend did it to me i'd be peeved. its like someone said earlier - she'd rather not risk the crying than have her friend there.

Chequers · 01/03/2008 18:49

Message withdrawn

Upwind · 01/03/2008 19:11

Another thought - it is possible that the "barren bitch" of a bride really has been trying for a family for a long time. Or that her DH wants a family and at her age she is not sure it is possible. Or she might have had a miscarriage you don't know about.

Seeing a newborn on her wedding day might hit a painful nerve for her or her DH and that is why she said no. Anyway it is their party & their choice.

Kimi · 01/03/2008 19:18

My sister still gets upset sometimes when she sees new babies.

I think it was disgusting to call this poor woman a barren bitch, as upwind says we do not know if she has been trying for a baby, if like my sister there is a reason for no child, it is small minded and nasty and I hope you are all ashamed of your self's and when you tuck your own children in tonight you should thank the good lord you have them, (although some people are very undeserving or the blessing of having children, and just because some people can have children does not mean they should, being able to have a child does not make you a good person or parent)

Kimi · 01/03/2008 19:20

Also Chequers makes a very good point,good post

kitbit · 01/03/2008 19:24

Haven't read the whole thread but agree with many of those I've read who say YABU to expect to take a small baby but YANBU to be upset at the way she handled it.
But she has no kids, so has no idea what having a tiny baby will mean, including the bf issue. She probably didn't even think that you couldn't just get a babysitter for a day or so, waltz out looking as skinny and refreshed as you did pre-pregnancy/birth and all would be the same. She didn't think, but she probably has no info on which to base anything thoughtful!

I most agree with those who say that 4 weeks after having baby number 1 you will be knackered, look like dung and have nothing to wear that doesn't make you look like a zeppelin wearing a duvet cover, you will be dealing with the "1 month old growth spurt" in terms of breastfeeding every hour for 20 mins and you will be leaky, grumpy and blardy hungry. Stay at home with a DVD and a large bar of chocolate and take the pressure off!

(congrats on your pg by the way! )

Upwind · 01/03/2008 19:34

Agree Kimi - the OP found that hilarious so is clearly not much of a friend.

Actually now I am re-evaluating the whole thread. Is the OP just trying to engage in one-upmanship over her ex-boss?

Kimi · 01/03/2008 19:40

I hope she makes a better mother then friend.
She finds the strangest things funny!!!!

kitbit · 01/03/2008 19:44

missed the part where the OP found something funny, unless it was further down and I haven't read the whole lot. The very opening post sounded pretty normal to me! (but as I say I may have missed something)

Chequers · 01/03/2008 19:46

Message withdrawn

Kimi · 01/03/2008 19:47

By champagneSupernova on Sat 01-Mar-08 00:09:38

"bin the barren bitch!" grin made me LOL but I think I'll try and stick with: -

kitbit · 01/03/2008 19:47

ohhh...sorry, missed that. Thanks for explaining Chequers

onebatmother · 01/03/2008 20:12

I'm sorry that some of you have been upset by the 'dump the barren bitch' comment.

Cod sensibly withdrew it immediately afterwards. However I, and perhaps some others, did find it blackly comic.

It was funny precisely because it was inappropriate: black humour works like that.

It was also funny bcs Cod's MN persona is known to be tactless straight-talking.

It was also funny because the language used was so patently hugely out of proportion to what the bride had (or hadn't) done.

It was NOT funny because infertility is funny. Without question.

Whoever said that people who laughed at that also laugh at disabled people must know she is very wrong, and is perhaps hoping to cause a bit of a stir.

Upwind · 01/03/2008 20:27

onebatmother - I used that analogy because it is also making a mockery of others' misfortune

it is one thing to use black humour or sarcasm about a random unknown on the internet but a totally different thing to find it funny when said about someone who is supposedly a friend in real life

I can't imagine my worst enemy being spiteful enough to find my potential fertility problems good for a giggle

hercules1 · 01/03/2008 20:30

agree totally with onebatmother.

LittleBella · 01/03/2008 20:33

LOL at the woman with a phobia to pregnant women. Where does she work? Does she leave her job every time a colleague gets pregnant? Shouldn't she be considering therapy? Does she have sisters, cousins, friends, who might throw her into consternation by conceiving?

You do realise she's a lunatic, don't you?

AitchTwoOh · 01/03/2008 20:43

ohfgs, you don't know what people have been through on this site, don't assume that people who laughed at the black humour of cod's outrageous (and imo amusing) quip have not stared infertility squarely in the face.

excellent post, onebatmother.

and it's mean to pick out the fact that cod's blackly humourous and shocking comment made the OP lol and ignore the fact that she is not employing that attitude in the slightest and in fact has made a point of trying to see the best in her friend's behaviour.

Kewcumber · 01/03/2008 20:50

I'm afraid for black humour to be funny it needs to be used by someone who has intimate experience of what they are trying to be funny about. I have made my share of jokes about my situation myself in some pretty dire cicumstances. I don't think it would have been funny if someone had called me a "barren bitch" in order to maintain their "straight-talking" persona or to raise a laugh. Yeah ha bloody ha. When Cod has looked herself in the eye in a mirror and taken a deep brath and accepted that she is never going to get pregnant, then she earns the right to be flippant about it.

Retraction was pathetic and half-arsed. She should have asked for the comment to be deleted. Alternatively a fw jokes about cancer maybe to keep her reputation intact?

To misquote Jane Austin, "Poorly done, Cod, poorly done"

Kewcumber · 01/03/2008 20:53

I didn;t find it at all funny Aitch and have faced infertility about as finally as is possible. I havent had a go at OP though.

I have very little sense of humour about infertility - scars are too raw still. MAybe I'll look back in 20 years and laugh uproarously at such amusing quips.

hazeyjane · 01/03/2008 21:00

Oh I see it was cod! Well in that case of course it was hilarious, and 'darkly' comic, rather than just puerile and insulting.

I thought that black humour was finding something funny in or about a dark situation, I'm afraid that I just don't see what is funny about "Bin the barren bitch". As an "amusing quip" its hardly Dorothy Parker.

AitchTwoOh · 01/03/2008 21:04

oh look, it's not for me to apologise for cod and i sympathise greatly with the pain you have endured and perhaps continue to endure, but i just think that to fixate on one comment that was there plainly for shock value and with no hint whatsoever that the OP's friend has actually suffered infertility problems, is to take things too far.
for some people to suggest that people who snorted (as i did) at cod's tasteless joke are the sort of people who enjoy poking fun at the disabled, or woudl say the same thing to someone's infertile SiL, well, it's just a bit silly imo. not to mention the 'if she laughed at that she can't be a good friend' crew, really, it's a bit pompous. has no-one ever laughed at their pals on here, especially their pals who have just disinvited them from their wedding? The OP seems to be doing the right thing, certainly she listened to the many opinions on offer here and acted on them, so it's daft to trash her for having laughed at a caricature (which might be highly accurate, we don't know) of her mate.

Kewcumber · 01/03/2008 21:12

Its Ok I don't need sympathy or apologies. And I wasn't fixated on cod's comment - I made a one sentance comment about it. I only expanded what I thought when her comment was defended.

I agree it isn't fair to berate OP for her reaction. She didn't say it and though I didn't find the comment even at the foothills of funny, obviously I was in the minority.

Kewcumber · 01/03/2008 21:20

Sorry - just realised you might have thought I was being terse when I said "Its Ok I don't need sympathy or apologies" - I genuinely mean I don't need either, neither much use to me. Magic wand would be nice if you had one though!.