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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sorry, ANOTHER babies at weddings thread, but I would like your views on this - AIBU?

506 replies

champagnesupernova · 28/02/2008 22:41

I have a q good friend (ex-colleague, she was my boss but we've kept in touch) who's a good deal older than me, been big on career and so never got round to having kids.

Having been with her man for over ten years he finally gets round to popping the question and setting the date.

She tells me this the day I've arranged to meet her to tell her I'm pg with number 1. Big all round

Turns out the date of the wedding is 3-4 weeks after my baby's due.

As I said we're q good friends, so imagine my delight when a save the date card comes.

And then the invitation arrives addressed to Mr and Mrs Supernova (no mention of the bump, but it's not born yet)

I reply very early and in the reply card I put "Mr and Mrs Supernova and infant" and add a note saying I know planning a wedding is v complicated, just want to say that as it's so early and I"m planning on b/fing I'll have the baby with me, but I've heard they sleep for ages so hopefully it won't be a problem Wanted to check you're okay with this.

Met up with her today and said are you okay with this.

She's not and basically doesn't want us to come as she's worried about saying no to other people with babies and not us and annoying the other guests (most of whose kids will be grownup)

I am really really really by this.

She invited us. Knowing we were going to have a brand new baby. She could have just not invited us and said they were having probs with numbers and I wouldn't have been any the wiser. Now I feel that I've misread the invitation and that I've been UNINVITED.

AIBU?

OP posts:
dejags · 01/03/2008 13:25

I think you have a rather large rock on your shoulder about this Bable.

It is just a wedding.

StealthPolarBear · 01/03/2008 13:38

PMSL obm!
Reminds me of when I worked as a waitress, a family came in with a baby a few days old in a car seat - my friend asked if they needed a high chair
Bable - The OP has said she overreacted and will not be ruining her friendship over this!

Kewcumber · 01/03/2008 14:14

Cod was your comment "BIN THE BARREN BITCH" meant to be funny? Hilarious - I laughed my way out of the fertility clinic after every failed IVF. I can't believe that a grown woman with children herself would use that phrase even in jest.

Good for OP - your subsequent reply shows a degree of pragmatism that will serve you well. Good luck.

Kimi · 01/03/2008 16:40

My sister can't have children, miscarried a few times then the chemo she had has robbed her of any chance of being a mother....

If someone called her a barren bitch I would smack their teeth out for them.

I had children at my wedding and regretted it big time as they ran riot (DHs family) my sister had children at hers including DS1 then 6 as page boy DS2 age 2 at the time bridesmaids age 46, 4 and 3, they behaved impeccably.

Kimi · 01/03/2008 16:41

6 4 and 3 NOT 46

Upwind · 01/03/2008 16:57

I suppose those who laugh at "barren bitch" are the sort who snigger at the disabled.

OP, glad you have seen sense. It was just an invitation and as has been said many times, your friend probably has not the faintest notion that a newborn can't be left. Unless you have told her she won't know that you are willing to leave should your baby cry. I have been to several weddings where parents were too selfish to do that. Many people exclude children from weddings simply because of this.

PSCMUM · 01/03/2008 17:07

just read op.
no yanbu in the slightest. she sounds like a total cow. I wouldn't go. And i'd tell her to fuck off for being so unreasonable also.

babies are lovely, people who don't want them to cry at their weddings are fine - I've taken mine out of many a wedding when they have started up, but people who invite you then uninvite you on realising you dont want to leave your 3 week old baby to come and watch them get wed, they are too irritating for words.

Kimi · 01/03/2008 17:13

I don't see why the woman getting married is being portrayed as the bitch from hell?
It is her wedding, she is paying it is her right to say no children, she sent an invite to Mr and Mrs if she had have wanted the baby there she would have said so.

OP has admitted she over reacted, so I don't see why the bride to be is getting such a slagging off.

PSCMUM · 01/03/2008 17:14

i just think she made OP feel rubbish and anxious about something for her own selfish reasons.

Kimi · 01/03/2008 17:15

I don't see how, she sent an invite to the OP and her partner, how much clearer could she be?

PSCMUM · 01/03/2008 17:18

if i was pregnant, i wouldn't expect an invite to say 'and your unborn baby' on it./ but if the weeding was after the birth, i'd just bring the baby and not even mention it. I wouldn't think of it. but then i have nice friends!

Kimi · 01/03/2008 17:38

I don't think the woman getting married is not nice, if she has no children she can not be expected to know how much of a bind they are.

I went to a wedding when DS1 was 8 weeks old, he stayed with my mum as it was a child free wedding, the invite said to Mr and Mrs kimi and I would not have dreamed of turning up with an uninvited baby, that said we went to a wedding where the couple had no children but had invited children (brides family were Irish so big family thing) and it was really good, they had goody bags for the children a child's menu and an entertainer DS1 had a wonderful time, so I really was impressed, saying that DS2 did not go my sister took him to the zoo for the day as he was 3 and going through the I can scream for England stage if not getting my own way

Upwind · 01/03/2008 17:40

What makes you so sure the OP doesn't? At worst she has been thoughtless.

Agree with Kimi, there seems to be unreasonable anger directed towards the bride. It is the thoughtless parents who refuse to remove their offspring from such events when they kick off that should be blamed, if anyone!

PSCMUM · 01/03/2008 17:41

i just don't exist in a world where these things are so controvertial! we just all bring our kids along and have a good time, and understand that sometimes they cry and are unreasonable .and sometimes we cry and are unreasonable! it just sounds like a bit stuck up and regimented or something. i don't know. it got my back up on the OPs behalf. the woman getting married cna't be expected to know anything at all about kids, i agree. whatever really.

Kimi · 01/03/2008 17:48

I have two children I love my children I would kill or die for them..... But I do not think everyone in the whole wide world should share my wondre at them.

Yes most parents remove a screaming child, but some are too bloody lazy, I was in church last week and a child was screaming so loud no one could hear a bloody thing, the mother just sat there. It is rude.

Also (jump on me I don't care) sometimes just sometimes its nice to have a few childfree hours.

Upwind · 01/03/2008 17:48

I saw a wedding today - lots of perfectly matched bridesmaids, lots of groomsmen wearing top hats and tail coats and looking very serious. Not my notion of an ideal wedding.

But the people throwing the party get to choose the theme and who is welcome. It is their party and it is not unreasonable to have it adult-only. Not what I chose, but each to their own. If it doesn't suit you, don't go. And don't waste energy getting angry that they did not arrange their wedding around your convenience.

tortoiseSHELL · 01/03/2008 17:53

Can't believe this is still going. Www, I'm so glad you agree with me! I seemed to remember you had 'views' on this!

The way I see it, the bride has essentially said to her friend that she puts more value on having the wedding free from any risk of a child crying than she does on having her friend there. Which puts a bit of a perspective on it. Because as has been said ad nauseum a newborn poses little or no risk of causing a disturbance.

PSCMUM · 01/03/2008 17:56

ive not made myself clear - as usual!
I don't care if people want a child free wedding, at all. I'd happily go, arrange childcare whatever. What i object to on the OPs behalf is that she was invited, then when she explained that'd mean she'd have to bring her little baby as she'd be breastfeeding, the invite was withdrawn. I just think its thoughtless. And I always take mine out when they are screeching. Always! wouldn't let them ruin someones day. And also its less strefssful for me!

Kimi · 01/03/2008 17:58

But if she had of said yes bring the baby (ok very small and most likely slept the whole time) then she would have had to say yes to everyone else.

Numbers/cost/people getting upset that so and so brought their child and I could not bring mine, would have all come in to it.

tortoiseSHELL · 01/03/2008 18:00

kimi - that isn't true. Everyone knows newborns are a different kettle of fish to toddlers/older babies/children. And no-one would object about a 2 week old.

Kimi · 01/03/2008 18:04

There is always someone that would have had the hump.

And even a very new very small person is a person according to numbers for fire regulations.

I just think the name calling of the woman getting married was very uncalled for.
I hope she has a lovely wedding and goes on to have lots of lovely babies.

Upwind · 01/03/2008 18:05

tortoiseshell - most childless people just don't know that. I definitely did not when planning my wedding (children were invited!). Like someone earlier in the thread I tried to arrange a highchair for a two-week old

Kimi · 01/03/2008 18:08

I look at thinks from a whole new view point now I have children, Someone who has not yet started a family will think of thinks on adult only terms.

And just because this woman has no children does not mean she is barren.... not everyone is in a rush for sleepless nights, poop, and weetabix in the hair

Kimi · 01/03/2008 18:08

things

tortoiseSHELL · 01/03/2008 18:14

upwind, I'm sure that's true. But I do remember very fondly the wedding of my friend which was strictly no children, EXCEPT for ds1, who was 6 weeks at the time, and my friend took great pride in telling everyone that he was the ONLY child allowed!