Parents tried to pick DC up from holiday club when I didn’t ask them to and I’m in the wrong!

[TheyTriedToTakeDC]

Background: Split with ExH in 2017 due to his violence and control. In the proceeding year he threatened me and threatened to kidnap DC (aged 2 at the time) and take them abroad so I never saw them again. He then repeated the threats in court for the CAO, his dad also got me in a headlock outside court and threatened to kill me so that (quote) “DC was in their rightful home with their father” because of this ExH, and Ex-PILs are banned from picking DC up from school or childcare.

ExH does have supervised contact, it’s supervised by another member of his family who’s never threatened me and I am happy to supervise but they do not have permission to take DC without me knowing either.

Every activity club, childcare or holiday club as well as DCs primary school I’ve shown the CAO to has always said “Unless we have verbal confirmation from you while your stood in front of us, we will not release DC to anyone but you”.

I love doing school or holiday club (HC) run so I don’t ask others to the pick-up. I like hearing about DCs day. Occasionally I’ve needed someone else to pick DC up so I will tell the club or ring school to let them know. In an emergency there is a process in place so school/holiday club can verify that it’s a genuine emergency situation and take DC. There is one other person I add to the pick-up list in case on an emergency, a cousin of mine whose also got DC at the same school.

Today DC was at HC while I worked. Parents rang at lunch to ask if they could pick DC up, I said no as I had booked to take DC out for dinner immediately after HC and I’d paid a bit more for them to stay until 4.15pm (normal pick up is 3.15pm) but if they wanted to pick up or have DC another day let me know and I’d arrange it. It’s a new holiday club for this year that parents haven’t been to or picked up from before.

They decided to go anyway and get DC.

I say get DC; they didn’t manage it. HCs safeguarding protocol kicked in, they moved DC and the other children into another room and rang me, when I said I was on my way to get DC and I didn’t give permission for DC to go with anyone else but me.

Of course, HC Lead (HCL) said this to my parents, who started shouting and saying it was ridiculous as they’re DCs grandparents and if they bought DC to them DC would confirm who they were. HCL apparently said if they could prove they have PR they’d let DC leave. This annoyed my stepdad and he apparently swore and called the HCL a t**t. HCL said if parents didn’t calm down the police would be called, and they didn’t so police where called.

I got there at same time as police, my stepdad especially is still wound up shouting and swearing. When I got there he said “See mums here now she’ll tell you who I am”.

It was all sorted out quite quickly, HCL explained to police and I showed the court order and I also had to prove who I was via ID (which is fine, I have no issue with this and carry my driving license for this purpose). DC was brought to me and we went out to eat. Police decided not to take it any further and HCL said it would be forgotten about despite them being abusive.

I’ve had a long text from my mum saying that it was a bit daft, I could of given permission over the phone for them to take DC and they could have had a lovely evening with DC and bought them home to me. They’ve said next time I need help with DC they’ll be more reluctant to help and this has tarnished their thinking of me as they now think I don’t trust them with DC.
I have replied to explain I couldn’t see through the phone to verify it was them. ExHs family have made threats as recently as Christmas to take DC and I couldn’t risk it. I’d rather be safe than sorry, they don’t mean DC any harm but if they’d been ExH or his family and the HCL had just let DC go they’d be the first ones to complain and be calling for jobs to be lost and compensation.

I got a one line reply of “Exactly how we thought it was”.

Why am I the bad guy for protecting my DC? AIBU to have not let DC go with them?

Again, you misogynistically blame the female OP for the male SF's behaviour.

She shouldn't have to try to manage his anger for him by telling him "no" herself a second time. If him kicking off in a childcare setting is a likely enough outcome that you expect her to take steps to prevent it, then she is already justified in refusing permission to release the child.

I see that you have no reply to the far more compelling and important argument that I made, which was: "Why are you still asserting that she's unreasonable for either: failing to predict his abusive outburst; or predicting his abusive outburst and failing to throw her child to him as an appeasing sacrifice?"

That’s ridiculous.

OP should have had to cancel her plans just because her mum and stepdad wouldn’t take no for an answer.

The HC did the right thing.
Any health care setting should not let children go with strangers.
It doesn’t matter if OP has an abusive ex or not.

The parents already rang OP and she said no.
They could have rang OP again but as she had plans the answer would have still been no.

OP should not have to identify them when they shouldn’t have even been there.
They should have left when told no and not become abusive.

Will you not be letting them pick up or look after your dc again?

The police were only called because the SF was abusive so I don't understand why posters are blaming OP for not confirming their parents were the ones trying to collect DC.
No doubt if OP said yes those are my parents but they do not have permission to collect DC as she told them lunchtime the HC presumably told the SF they could not take DC. The police were called because he did not accept that and was abusive.

OP I would seriously reconsider having your DC anywhere near these people in future and try and find alternative childcare. They do not respect your boundaries. I say that as a GM myself.

It's highly relevant because it shows how these boundary violations escalate and end up harming the child.

In the OP's case, you have a child who was expecting to go to Pizza Express with Mum and is now, without warning, going somewhere else with GPs instead. At best, that will be bewildering and disorienting for the child. For girls post-menarche and any child on medication, a change like that can cause problems because the GPs don't have the medication or sanpro that the child needs that evening, because the trip wasn't planned.

And yes, IME narc GPs tend to think that life-threatening conditions like epilepsy and asthma are a fad and the child doesn't really need that carefully-timed dose of medication.

You said no and they ignored you. Absolutely unacceptable. I would have a very firm chat with them and tell them never do it again.

I'd go back to your mum and say you wouldn't feel comfortable having them provide childcare after todays episode anyway so you won't ask again. They're bloody weird 🤷‍♀️

Bloody hell, op , your parents are wrong on so many levels. Surely every adult knows you can’t just go and collect children ( whether they be grandchildren, nieces, cousins, whatever) without express parental consent. For very good reason.
And swearing at staff to the point police had to be called, I’m speechless. Who on earth would show themselves up and show such a bad example to their dgc ?
You sound like the only sensible one tbh.

Sure, if you want to describe that dramatic take as “compelling”, you crack on.

I am not sure how much more simply I can say this:

She had the chance to speak directly to her parents. That is what any rational person would have done when they got a call to say their parents were at pick up asking to take her son. At no point has she stated that her stepfather had form for behaving the way he did . So yes, she was unreasonable to drag the HVL into her family argument and the child was not at risk by going with the grandparents. It was a private matter to be resolved away from the club, not Jeremy Kyle.

Best suggestion of the thread. The respite stays during the summer holidays and childcare come at a price that the children pay.

*Parents rang at lunch to ask if they could pick DC up, I said no [...]

They decided to go anyway and get DC.*

You don't need any more than that in your post for me to say YANBU. Grandparents do not get to go against parental permission like that. Twats.

Of course YANBU & I'd be reassured that safeguarding kicked in as it should. Your parents knew you'd said no but decided to ignore your decision, I'd be wondering if they ignore other things as well.

Your parents are a pair of nobs, you did exactly the right thing. Just because they don’t like it doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right thing.

I think the people who refused to hand your child over deserve a box of chocolates.

OP you are in the right and HC deserve wine and chocolates all round - your mum and SD are not seeing the bigger picture and yes anyone could pretend to be who they aren’t

Dramatic take my arse. Either she predicted that her SF would be reasonable and would take no from the HC leader like any reasonable GP would, as explained by school staff upthread, or she predicted that he might turn abusive and was justified in refusing the release of her child. There is no third option.

You are in a clear minority on this thread for a reason. The rest of us understand safeguarding, boundaries, and who the unreasonable person was in this situation (the SF) and why.

The first rule of misogyny is that women are deemed responsible for what men do. You deem the OP to be at least partly responsible for the abuse her SF gave to the HC. You are a misogynist.

But the only 'resolution' in that scenario was OP allowing the parents to have their way. Why should the OP have to give way? Why are the GPs wants more important than OP's?

Possibly prior to this incident OP would have considered allowing GPs to collect DC. This would then have been communicated with the HC and proper arrangements made.

GPs tried to undermine the safeguarding procedures the OP & HC have put in place. OP already knows the GPs think they know best. This makes them untrustworthy. Is the OP certain they wouldnt be careless with DCs safety simply because they think they know best.

Thank you everyone even those who disagree with me, I do think it helps to see it from both points of view.

They will not be left alone with DC again, thankfully DC is 9 (was almost 3 when I split with ExH) and able to tell me if somethings wrong. I will still have to see them unfortunately as I get on well with my Siblings and Step Siblings who will invite them to family BBQs or their DCs birthday parties alongside me, but as I said I will just be civil.

Am drafting an email to HCHQ and will send it tomorrow.

You didn't need to even mention the ex and his family to your parents. A simple you asked I said no.
I am utterly shocked and horrified by you behaviour today that resulted in the police having to be called....

All she had to do was call her parents directly>

It's right there in OP's very first post, @RoadSignFool*

"Parents rang at lunch to ask if they could pick DC up, I said no ..."

She had the chance to speak directly to her parents

Yes OP, all that crucial information you could've given them that would've changed everything, and you just refused.
🙄

Your step dad owes a huge apology to that HCL. If he behaves like that in public, I’d be embarrassed to see how he acts in private. Absolute kudos to the HCL for standing her ground - I would never let someone shouting, intimidating and swearing at me collect a child. His behaviour is abhorrent.

I meant after the club called to say they were there. Obviously.

That unfortunately doesn’t work as I would say exactly the same if the OP were male.