To hate my brain damaged sister

[JulieBindelHasAKindle]

My sister is a 9 years younger than me. Up until she was 9 she was normal, no disabilities, smart, sporty and we were very close. She was in an accident (no details as identifying) that left her with severe brain damage. She’s doubly incontinent, nonverbal, quadriplegic. Basically in a minimally conscious state. She’s kept alive with no brain function for my parents sake. Every day my parents spend hours caring for her, talking to her, hoping she’ll recover. I’m never congratulated, I got top grades in my a levels, a first in my degree at a top university, a masters, high paying job. And I’m ignored while an involuntary twitch of her hand is seen as a miracle. It’s been 7 years since her accident and she’s the same as she was 6 years ago. AIBU to wish she didn’t survive?

I am very sorry for your situation. I once attended some training and the scenario was about when you would continue trying to save someone and when not. At the time of an accident it isn't evident how the person will be so the focus is about saving lives. Have you ever read a book called 'The Last Act of Love? It is written by a sibling who was left in your position, she dealt with the guilt of not wanting to visit her brother altho7gh she was previously very close to him.and loved him. Be kind to yourself, maybe read that book in addition to your counselling.

OP, I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. It must be so difficult.

Is there anyway your parents blame themselves for what happened, and they are living with this life long guilt, but have completely forgotten about their other child in this journey that nobody ever expects to happen to them?

I'm wondering if one day suddenly the penny will drop (probably too late) that they subsequently did abandon you, without realising, as they were so enthralled in the guilt?

@baytreelane23 A few people have said this. She had a heart condition that caused a sudden cardiac arrest resulting in a hypoxic brain injury. Maybe they do however from my understanding there was nothing that could have stopped the cardiac arrest as she was asymptomatic. I might try asking them although I’m sure they’ll ignore me.

Totally understand your pain , anger and frustration . Your parents seem stuck exactly in the position they were immediately after the accident - possibly guilt over it, but definitely guilt if that they aren’t there for her now they are failing her. It sounds like they wouldn’t countenance grief counselling but as others have said see if you can find a BACP registered counsellor who will chat via zoom . Person centred therapists use Unconditional Positive Regard so they won’t judge and it will be a safe space where you can say exactly what you feel and work through how you go forward . I think it’s unlikely your parents will change but you can

What an absolutely heartbreaking situation all round. Might it ease your situation a tiny bit to hate the situation rather than hating your sister?

Your parents are clearly in a trap of guilt, sorrow and probably exhaustion. I wonder if looking at you and your life illuminates the life your sister won’t have and they are very unfairly unable to deal with it?

So tragic all round but it seems as if you won’t be able to do much . I guess you could write them a letter explaining how sad you are but honestly I would worry that it will be used against you.

Maybe one day they will wake up but possibly not. Keep the door open but with very low expectations. Good luck with your pregnancy.

You could try asking yourself that.

To the OP - that sounds so very hard for you.

YANBU - Fuck them!

Yes its horrible what they've gone through, I'm not going to post all that kind of thing because its already been said 100 times already.

However - they've essentially lost 2 daughters by behaving in this way.

You need to be brutally blunt with them and shock them into a realisation that they are loosing you by acting this way. Otherwise the years will go on and you'l drift apart and no one will want that. Staying quiet and letting yourself get shut down isn't helping anyone!

It's not your sisters fault.

It is an utterly tragic situation for the whole family ☹

I understand that you don't want to explain the details of her accident, which is, of course, completely your choice. However, I wonder were the whole family there? As a (probably not very good) example, let's say the whole family were skiing and your sister had a terrible skiing accident. I only ask as I wonder if there is some trauma from that, on top of the trauma of what followed?

Your parents must also be in a hideously difficult situation. From your post, I guess your sister is around 16? They must be devastated knowing that she could have been leaving school/going to college/eventually get married and maybe have her own children and that was horrifically snatched away.

Some replies on here may not be kind, but I don't think you are necessarily being unreasonable. It's entirely possible you are suffering from trauma plus your world has been completely turned upside down and the sister you had has changed beyond recognition.

I also wonder if, subconsciously, you are wondering what is going to happen if/when your parents cannot cope with caring for your sister any longer?

I would suggest some counselling to help you work through your feelings. Moving forward, it may be worth having a sensitive discussion with your parents about the plans for your sister's care in the future.

@JulieBindelHasAKindle sorry just cross posted and saw what happened with your sister so pls ignore that bit of my post.

It’s an absolutely tragic situation, but you hate her?

I’ve spoken to my mother this morning anyway and attempted to talk to her about my feelings but got shut down

I'm truly sorry, OP - obviously about the overall situation, but especially about this

Though the circumstances are deeply painful for everyone I'd hope your DPs would remember they have two daughters, but it appears not, and now they'll likely lose out on the happiness of having a grandchild too

I fully agree with PPs about getting counselling if you can, but mostly I'd just look ahead to the future rather than the past

You don't have to apologise.

I appreciate your parents must be devastated regarding your sister, but they seem to be oblivious to the fact they've pushed you aside.

Personally I'd just stop contacting them for a bit if it's only a one way thing. See if they contact you. And if they ask why you haven't called, then perhaps this would be a starting point to start discussing how you feel. You are entitled to have feelings, and and regardless of whether they are aware of it or not, your parents have pushed you aside for most your young adult life.

@rosesposey I accept my feelings are wrong and it isn’t my sisters fault. But I think it’s unfair to compare a brain injury leaving somebody lifeless with being gay. It genuinely wouldn’t even upset me if my sister came out as gay, she would be living a happy and fulfilling life that wouldn’t impact mine. The exact opposite to her being kept alive in a minimally conscious state.

I admit my opening post did seem cold hearted - I was very upset last night. But please can people not compare a life limiting all consuming injury to a sexuality.

Oh this is heartbreaking. YANBU to feel angry and sad about all of this OP. And YANBU to wish they had decided not to keep your sister in a vegetative state. That's no life for anyone let alone a young girl. Ignore anyone judging you here - your feelings are complex and valid

@JulieBindelHasAKindle I understand. You phrased something bluntly in distress, I think anyone with an ounce of compassion cam see how much you are hurting and that you hate the situation and your losses.

Honestly I would ignore posters like that. They seem to have little emotional intelligence. When I read your initial post, I knew that deep down your didn’t truly hate your sister as a person. You were feeling resentful, let down and furious at the card life has dealt your family.

It isn’t like you are telling your sister this. This is an anonymous forum and you can vent as you please. Comparing with gay and black people is just weird.

I think you have done an amazing job achieving what you have despite the challenges. A huge congrats from me.

And don’t engage with the posters who aren’t able to understand the grey areas of your situation. They are leaping up and down with indignation without reading between the lines x

I.think.some posters are being very unfair things are not.black.and white here and I say this as the parent of a severely disabled child albeit a child who has an infinitely better quality of life than the Op ,s sister
Its an horrendous situation all.round .

Unfortunate situation, can understand your feelings. Obviously, worse for your sister but also hard for you too in other ways.

Your parents must find it hard no doubt and this is where this is perhaps coming from but they also have another daughter. Unfortunately, likely not much you can do in that regard all their hopes are pinned on a miracle for their daughter to return, which is sad but also detrimental to you.

As long as you are proud of your accomplishments, that's all that counts in these kind of scenarios.

I would try to move past it and live the best life you can and enjoy a life your sister is unable to.

Maybe they will change with time but until then...

Op your complex feelings are valid. I’m so sorry this happened to your family. You are entitled to feel how you do, but definitely get some help to process everything.
Sending you love

I think people misunderstand a bit. My husband was in a coma then became minimally conscious , I did not choose to keep him alive it just happened like that . The neurologists tell you they cannot predict how recovery will be nd that improvements can happen for years. So I can understand why your parents think they may get a miracle. Please try to live your life the best your can , you have done so well so far.

I've thought about this all day. Your suffering from golden child syndrome for an awful reason. Normally, as in my wifes case the parents pick the first born, or the only son/daughter...
Here your sister has been picked for no real reason. Whatever you do, however you achieve will never be recognised.
For example when my wife told her parents we could never have children her mother responded by saying "well your sister can't have children" .
I do feel for you.

Please do consider counselling- choose them wisely. Best of luck OP - you've had a hard hand dealt in life.