To hate my brain damaged sister

[JulieBindelHasAKindle]

My sister is a 9 years younger than me. Up until she was 9 she was normal, no disabilities, smart, sporty and we were very close. She was in an accident (no details as identifying) that left her with severe brain damage. She’s doubly incontinent, nonverbal, quadriplegic. Basically in a minimally conscious state. She’s kept alive with no brain function for my parents sake. Every day my parents spend hours caring for her, talking to her, hoping she’ll recover. I’m never congratulated, I got top grades in my a levels, a first in my degree at a top university, a masters, high paying job. And I’m ignored while an involuntary twitch of her hand is seen as a miracle. It’s been 7 years since her accident and she’s the same as she was 6 years ago. AIBU to wish she didn’t survive?

OP, I don't think you are a terrible person, but I do believe you need therapy. It's ok to hate the situation, but not your sister - she never asked for this. Your parents are grieving, and they let grief take over their lives and lose sight of their other daughter.

I am so sorry - this sounds awful. But, please, get yourself the help you need to be able to better process this.

It sounds more like you hate the situation rather than your sister?
I.have a severely disabled child although his quality of life sounds infinitely better than your sister ,s he ,s non verbal but fully mobile able to.communicate his basic needs show affection etc
My older son does struggle with him.sometimes. which is understandable but he's never known any different his brother HS always been this way a iits a very sad situation for everyone ..involved here its not your sisters fault but its not yours either .

Op well done on everything you have achieved. It's totally understandable you feel like this ..your life, your parents and your sisters life changed over night. You all still struggling to deal with what happened. Op you probably need some theory to help you overcome the change to your childhood. Xxx

Those that are giving op a hard time, just put yourself in her shoes and think about how you would feel after 7 years. Op probably feels like she didn't just lose her sister that day, but her parents too.

Op, can you speak to your parents about how you feel? Maybe suggest that they take a day off a week and get some care in to look after your sister. This way of living sounds unsustainable. They need to have some time away from your sister every now and again to have some form of a life and hopefully start waking up themselves and starting to appreciate you as well.

No you’re not, to answer your question.

My heart goes out to you. It’s easy for people to judge you based on a few words on a screen. It’s easier still for anyone with a modicum of compassion to see how hurt and alone you feel.

I don't think you are cold at all.

I've had this conversation with my parents, brothers and OH not too long ago. If i'm ever so ill/in an accident that leaves me in such a position, i want them to know i want the care removed. I want to live, not just exist for someone elses selfish reasons.

I 100% know where you are coming from.

YANBU. Your parents have allowed this to engulf their entire lives, which is understandable to an extent, but they seem to have forgotten they have another child too.

I would take a step back from them, don't beg for crumbs of affection for yourself and your expected baby.

Thanks to everyone for being so kind, I understand that my feelings towards my sister are wrong and I’m sorry for any offence caused by the title, I was just quite upset last night. I’ve spoken to my mother this morning anyway and attempted to talk to her about my feelings but got shut down. I actually cried earlier as my mil knew dp and I had a day off today and FaceTimed us all excited about our pregnancy. She’s offered to lend me money to pay for counselling. I’m going to look at the charity pp suggested and also do some research into therapists. Again thank you to those who’ve given kind words.

I’m currently living abroad which makes finding a therapist more challenging as although I speak the local language, I’m not sure if I could have such a complicated discussion in it, particularly due to the cultural differences.

It seems obvious to me that you don't actually hate your sister. What you hate is the situation - your parent's indifference towards you and the fact she is being kept alive artificially when some would say the kindest thing is to let her be at peace. I remember when my DDad was dying - it took him nearly ten weeks and he suffered. I often wished he had departed instantly or that the end wouldn't be long. We wouldn't let an animal go through that would we? No, we would give them the luxury of a good death.
I'm so pleased to hear you have a supportive MIL though, now that does seem to be a rarity! Perhaps you might want to counselling over Zoom etc. with an English-speaking therapist? Whatever you decide, please ignore the unsupportive comments here - instead, be grateful that they don't understand as it means they haven't experienced a situation like this for themselves and that's a good thing.

Its the sense of limbo isn't it? She's not dead but neither is she there. So you can't grieve for her because she's alive but you've still lost her.

YANBU because your emotions are valid, and it does seem like your achievements have been pushed aside/not really celebrated. That, I can understand your parents clinging on to every hope, no matter small, because they miss their daughter so much. Part of me wants to advise some sort of therapy which might help you deal with (and potentially have some sort of discussion with your parents about it).

I've got a huge amount of empathy, your parents have chosen your sister over you. I had a less extreme situation where my dad and stepmum chose to take care of my stepmums disabled sister until she died (rather than a care home) by which time my dad had dementia. They couldn't visit often and as a result never really bonded with my children and weren't a support to me when I needed them (dh has been through some stuff mentally and physically). I resented my dad choosing his sister in law over me and my kids.

I can't vote on that.
It's a horrific tragedy for all involved. I feel desperately sorry for everyone in this situation and I'm certainly not going to ascribe blame to one party or denounce someone's feelings.
I hope things improve for you all OP.

No - you aren't being unreasonable. How horrible for you.

Also horrible for your parents and sister. No life for anyone unfortunately.

Sending you lots of love and strength.

I don’t judge you OP for your feelings not one bit. Think an english speaking therapist locally or one over zoom would be a good idea. This is SO much for anyone to deal with, no shame in needing some help

What a heartbreaking situation for everybody involved.

I think the age difference might be relevant, from your parents' perspective, OP, as you were already an adult (just) when your DSis's childhood was cruelly ripped from under her when it was only half way through.

Of course, you don't want to feel abandoned by your parents as soon as you reach 18, but from their pov, you're an intelligent, capable, independent adult carving out your way through the world, whilst your DSis is a perpetually highly-dependent child. Purely logically, she needs them 24/7, whereas you don't strictly need them at all - so I suppose they've addressed the need that exists to the detriment of anything else.

Not asking for any details at all, but might they somehow blame themselves at all for the life-changing accident - and thus see it that they've paid their 'parenting debt' to you, but will never be able to do so with her?

I know it doesn't help you at all, but I can see how your own major successes in life would weigh hard on them - ironically more so than if you'd ended up a layabout ne'er do well; they always looked forward to seeing their two children succeed and achieve the significant adult milestones, and whilst you yourself are naturally proud of how your life has unfolded - and you obviously can't live anybody else's life - they see each of your proud moments as a slap in the face to them, as a reminder that it will only happen once to their children, and not twice as they had always expected. To put it bluntly, they see 'our children' as a unit and even if you perfectly aced every single moment, that would only ever be a maximum 50% 'happiness score' for them as parents.

Not wanting to sound callous at all, but I think, at some point, you will need to ask them what their long-term plans are. They'll be realising that they aren't getting any younger and might already have been making plans for you to take over from them after they have gone, or before as their health and physical capacity deteriorates. I imagine the emotional blackmail - in desperation as much as anything - will be immense when that time comes.

In fact, even if that scenario were to play out and your DSis were left to continue her existence until her natural death from old age, depending on her core organs' physical abilities (i.e. the basic 'staying alive' ones), as she's nearly a decade younger, she could well outlive you.

Do follow the caring advice given in this thread - I truly hope you can all find the best kind of closure on this before long

I'm glad to hear that your MIL sounds lovely.

OP, congratulations on your pregnancy. And congratulations on your masters and everything you have achieved in life. You deserve to hear that.

This.

I apologise OP, I read through your updates and I think I was reacting to your first post.

My brother had an accident and did die from his injuries. Whilst it was awful, me and my parents all admit we are glad he didn’t survive with severe brain damage as it would have been no life for him… or for them. of

Of course we wish the accident hadn’t happened, but I’m still adamant that if I ever have an accident or illness with no chance of recovery then I would want go be let go too.

Your feelings are totally justified.

Essentially, not only have you lost your sister, but your parents as well.

Counselling of some sort is an excellent idea. Since Covid, lots of it is done online via video nowadays so it should be no problem you living abroad. It's much easier talking about emotional things in your own language.

Do your parents ever call you, or is it only you that calls them?

A friend of mine had similar, albeit her sister was born severely disabled when my friend was 10. I remember her telling me when drunk (we were 19) how alone she felt, and that how her parents would literally cut her off mid-sentence if her sister needed something. She learned to sleep through all the night time alarms, ambulances turning up etc... She always felt very resentful of her sister, and really angry that her parents seemed to spend so much time with her sister. Quite tough for a 10 year old to cope with having been an only child up until that point. It was like having a permanent 4 month old baby at home. Her parents seem to think that giving her anything she wanted made up for it.

@towriteyoumustlive nope, I’m always the one that initiates contact, they are always busy with my sister which I do understand however I wish that they would make the effort to talk to me when she was away at school/respite. I’m in a European country so it’s not like time zones are an issue. I’m sorry this sounds like I hate my parents - I do love them I’m just frustrated with them tbh.

@Moirarosesgarden I'm sorry for your loss.