To hate my brain damaged sister

[JulieBindelHasAKindle]

My sister is a 9 years younger than me. Up until she was 9 she was normal, no disabilities, smart, sporty and we were very close. She was in an accident (no details as identifying) that left her with severe brain damage. She’s doubly incontinent, nonverbal, quadriplegic. Basically in a minimally conscious state. She’s kept alive with no brain function for my parents sake. Every day my parents spend hours caring for her, talking to her, hoping she’ll recover. I’m never congratulated, I got top grades in my a levels, a first in my degree at a top university, a masters, high paying job. And I’m ignored while an involuntary twitch of her hand is seen as a miracle. It’s been 7 years since her accident and she’s the same as she was 6 years ago. AIBU to wish she didn’t survive?

Also OP I’ve just read your update and I hope your pregnancy goes smoothly!

People are being v harsh on here. The OP resents her sister's disability and the way it has affected her family. She is also grieving for the sister that she lost. It's totally understandable and I applaud OP's honesty. I'm guessing this is not something she can voice in RL and I'm also guessing few posters have been in her situation.

You have already achieved such a lot, and I completely understand your yearning for some recognition from your parents for how hard you've worked. If one of my daughters manages to achieve even some of what you have, I know I will be immeasurably proud!

I don't think you sound cold, I think you sound hurt. I'm so sorry that your parents aren't able to appreciate their wonderful daughter, because they are so focussed on your sister. I know a lot of PPs have recommended therapy, and I will too - it has made a huge difference to me.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

I am so sorry for your loss op. Your family has suffered a terrible tragedy and you are all grieving. It sounds so hard. You don’t sound heartless. Anger is easier to express and feel than sadness. I am not surprised you have put up a wall. Life does go on and it’s bloody unfair. I hope your family get through this somehow.

Oh god your poor thing. I think your feelings are totally understandable. You lost your little sister and your parents all at once and there's no closure or comfort.

It sounds like you haven't been able to properly grieve the loss of your sister because of your parents' decision to keep her here (assuming it involved some level of decision making on their part in the early stages). Alongside that, you emotionally lost your parents. So you've had two losses, both of which are complex.

I think you're being very brave voicing your feelings and I agree that therapy will be helpful. Especially if you're pregnant. I suspect having a child will make you see the situation from a new perspective. I didn't understand the intensity of the love you could feel for a child until I had one. This might give you more understanding of your parents' position, or on the flip side it might make you angrier that they have emotionally neglected one of their children. Either way it's likely to bring renewed emotions and therapy would be a very sensible place to try and unpick it all.

Have YOU always been low in empathy? Because you're not giving any to the OP.

Funny how those who prattle about empathy usually use it as a nasty little weapon like this. If it was about empathy, you'd show some.

OP - it is absolutely awful what you're feeling. Being dishonest about your feelings will not help anyone, but I'd say that you need a safe, therapeutic space to work through these feelings, and to find a way to express your feelings to your parents in a way you can cope with.

Where was the ops, when writing a title like that.

My husband has a similar brain injury so I understand a bit. The grief is overwhelming & constant, I often wished he hadn't survived and then feel tremendous guilt. Your parents and you will feel similar. The only way out is a peaceful death or going through the trauma of withdrawing nutrition. It is a tragic and terrible situation. I think you need therapy and probably your parents too. They should not have neglected you but I suspect they just are not coping well. I hope your pregnancy goes well and remember your parents need you too x

@Starsnspikes I think you are right, I feel like the fact my parents ‘chose’ (in the loosest sense) this for my sister makes it even worse. The consultants said she wouldn’t ever make a ‘meaningful recovery’ and that she would be profoundly disabled for the rest of her life yet they decided to believe in miracles and kept her alive as they thought the doctors were wrong. If they’d let her go I’d be able to remember my sister as the person she was.

@halfacup I’m sorry to hear about your husband. It’s so hard seeing the person you love change in such a way.

I live with a brain injury survivor…..
its fecking hard, day in, day out.

i fecking hate brain injury , I resent brain injury, i am emotionally and physically exhausted living with brain injury. I hate how brain injury has impacted on my and the other family members life. I hate how our lives have changes.

i don’t hate or resent the TBI victim .

don’t take your parents behaviours personally,, they need to do the beside vigil as it gives them a purpose and helps them get through the day rather than face the reality of how shit things actually are.

try to move on, you have something to look forward too. concentrate on your health and enjoy your pregnancy and plan and look to the future.

It's awful. My husband is in a nursing home though which has made it a lot easier to keep on the best I can . Would your parents consider a nursing home at least for a respite?

@halfacup nursing homes were never discussed before due to my sister being a child. Recently it’s been bought up with my parents again due to my mums ill health but my dad is stubborn and feels like it would be ‘abandoning’ my sister. She receives respite care from the local children’s hospice but since she is aging out of their service we are having to go through the pain of dealing with adult social care etc

I don't think you're heartless at all. I think you've been through something incredibly traumatic and difficult and speak accordingly if a little pragmatically for some here to accept. As a pp said- we wouldn't keep an animal alive in such circs. It must be hard for your parents to face up to this situation.

I think a lot of your feelings actually apply to your parents though and how they treat you. You may also wish to consider how they likely may have grieved had they chosen to let your sister go. You could be in a similar situation to now.

I'm sorry you have been on here and bared your soul only to be shut down again like you have by your parents for so long. You feel what you feel due to your loved experience and nobody on here can tell you that's wrong as they haven't lived your life. I can guarantee you don't hate your sister but you hate the situation and everything that has gone with it. Be kind to yourself, you deserve to be loved adored and celebrated as your parents child also

I think some grief/ trauma therapy would be helpful for you OP. You are grieving for the sister you had, and the relationship that you used to have with your parents. The fact that your sister still lives means that it's not a regular grief process that progresses and heals with time. You can't "move on" when family life now revolves entirely around your sister's altered existance.

Supporting and congratulating you wouldn't take anything from the care that your parents give to your sister. It will hurt that she won't achieve the same milestones, but that's not a reason for them to ignore your achievements.

Heartless people don't hurt this much.

I think, however hard it is, you are going to have to talk about it with your parents. Or, if you can't talk to then, write a letter. If you don't you'll regret it.

A friend of mine spent 25 years not addressing a very different yet in some ways similar situation with her parents (her older sister has always been jealous of her, so her parents will never celebrate her achievements for fear of upsetting the sister. Plus other stuff that would be identifying.) She didn't like to raise it because her mother, like yours l, would get very upset and she wanted to protect her. But 25 years of having her sister worshipped and her treated like dirt means she now rarely speaks to any of them. She feels if she'd ignored her mother's tears and made her realise how much it wad upsetting her things would now be different.

Sounds so, so hard and massive well done to you for all your fucking fabulous achievements whilst this goes on in the background.

I have no advice at all but I wanted to say you're not cold or horrible. I don't think I'd cope.

Not cold at all OP. An utter tragedy for your whole family. Ignore all the fuds on this thread.
Sometimes death isn't the worst outcome.

I can’t remember the name but there’s a charity that supports adult siblings. I think it’s more aimed at people who grew up with a disabled brother or sister but they might be able to support you or point you towards support.

Brain injuries are incredibly tragic and unlike others I wouldn’t call you cold for expressing the feelings that you wish your sisters body had passed away the day that you lost the sister that you all knew and loved.

I hope you can access some support and maybe talk to your parents about how you’re feeling. I’m sure they are incredibly proud of your achievements even if they don’t express it in the same way they do any movement or hope from your sister. You probably keep them going far more than you ever realise.

Sorry, just re-read and saw she was 9 when she had her brain injury. The charity I mentioned is exactly for people like you as there’s a wealth of struggling adults out there who have or grew up with disabled siblings and their struggles aren’t normally recognised and they are thought of as the lucky one and expected to get on with things.

There's a charity called sibs.org who do fantastic work. Perhaps this is the one you are thinking of?

OP, I think it's important that you speak with a professional, particularly as you are about to become a parent yourself. I had difficult circumstances as a child and my midwife identified that it was causing me turmoil as I approached parenthood. She referred me for ante natal therapy which helped me work through my feelings.