To hate my brain damaged sister

[JulieBindelHasAKindle]

My sister is a 9 years younger than me. Up until she was 9 she was normal, no disabilities, smart, sporty and we were very close. She was in an accident (no details as identifying) that left her with severe brain damage. She’s doubly incontinent, nonverbal, quadriplegic. Basically in a minimally conscious state. She’s kept alive with no brain function for my parents sake. Every day my parents spend hours caring for her, talking to her, hoping she’ll recover. I’m never congratulated, I got top grades in my a levels, a first in my degree at a top university, a masters, high paying job. And I’m ignored while an involuntary twitch of her hand is seen as a miracle. It’s been 7 years since her accident and she’s the same as she was 6 years ago. AIBU to wish she didn’t survive?

That's what I thought when I read your post.

@Hawkins009 quite whatever has happened to her parents compassion, empathy and understanding that they do in fact have two daughters.

This is a very complex situation and I don’t think anyone can judge how OP feels unless they've been in her position.

OP, I don’t think you hate your sister - I think you're just very angry. And it's understandable. It sounds as though you feel that your sister really did die in that accident, and it must feel as though your parents have been caring for a ghost ever since. And it's not surprising that that is upsetting to you - both because it must be horrible to see your sister like that, and also because you've been ignored by your parents for your entire adult life. All of this together must be so traumatic. I think it would be good to get some therapy. At the very least, it will give you somewhere to talk about how you feel and work through your emotions.

I feel for the OP, have you always been so low in empathy?

I think people should stop being mean to OP.
OP, what a terrible turn of events.
Awful for you to feel and be invisible
I'm not judging you. You need some care and love and support, this loss has hugely affected you and your family.

Fair points on that perspective

I do think some counselling to get this off your chest would be time and energy well spent. You're carrying a lot of difficult emotions around, understandably, and need to be able to speak about how you feel. A counsellor or therapist won't judge you.

This is just terrible. You can't control how your parents react to the situation, but you can get some help for yourself. Please, consider getting some therapy where you will be able to voice these thoughts in a non-judgmental setting, and also can get some help regarding how you can approach the issues and rebuild your relationship with your parents.

I'm a lot older. I would have been destroyed to face the parents situation. But I would never have forgotten about the value of one child in the face of tragedy with another. They BOTH deserve better than this. The OP isn't bitter. She's alive. In some ways, by comparision, thriving. But her family have no time to see that because everything is focussed on one child. I assume you are a parent? Would you focus everything on one rather than another for any reason - good or not?

Sympathies and I agree with others that you might benefit from talking to a professional. From you parents perspective, they are enduring a horrible tragedy and you were - at the time of the accident - eighteen. IE an adult just about. Sounds like they’ve stopped providing any emotional support/encouragement and to be honest I think you may have to just accept it at this stage. As sad as it is, I think many “normal” parents do more or less “check out” of their childrens lives once they hit their 20s. IE very few, well dones, great jobs, so proud of you etc etc. In your parents case it sounds like they can’t see further than the tragedy that is centre stage in their lives. You may need to just come to terms with this as it sounds unlikely things will return to how they were, and find a way to deal with what happened and don’t let it define your life.

I'd see if you could get your parents to family counselling, if you don't feel you can speak to them about this without help.
Counselling on your own doesn't solve the problem of your parents behaving in this way.
So sorry, OP. What a fucking horrible thing to happen. I know if you were my friend in real life, I wouldn't judge you at all for feeling this way.

Absolutely typical of this type of behaviour. @JulieBindelHasAKindle is being open, vulnerable and raw here in a way she probably can't be in real life and twattish posters being bullies by berating her.

I can’t find the comment but I’m pregnant at the moment. I think some of my upset has come from the fact that when I told my parents, my dad starting crying, not out of happiness but because he knew my sister would never have children. Whenever I bring up the topic, they just go quiet. If I mention my sister to people, they always talk about how much disabled people teach you, or how she probably ‘sees the world in a
different way’. When in reality she isn’t even aware that anything is happening. I just want my sister back.

I can’t begin to imagine how awful this is for you OP. I really think you should speak to a professional about it. You should be allowed to feel whatever you feel and allowed to express it no matter what anyone else thinks. Sending love and well done for all your accomplishments that you have achieved whilst dealing with all of this.

It could be debated that the op would get more compassion if they haven't had used the title that they did.

People who have commented here have not lived your life and so are quick to judge.
I am very sorry for you and all of your family. It sounds impossible to navigate in a ‘fair’ way for everyone. I hope you get the support you need and your parents are supported in their needs.

It does sound cold the way it’s worded though. Like I said, I get her frustrations, I really do, as she feels she no longer matters, but it’s not her that’s had the accident, she still has a life and has done well for herself, something her sister will never get the chance to do. Her sister has to live her ‘life’ in a vegetative state. I know what I’d choose out of the two options. She needs therapy to work through it. I’m sure her sister would wish more than her that she didn’t survive.

I really feel for you all - no one’s fault and just a tragic situation that is affecting all your lives.
I echo the calls for therapy to work through the feelings in a non judgemental space.
Ultimately though, you were an adult (just) when it happened so presumably your childhood was unaffected and it sounds like you’ve managed to make a great life for yourself which your sister and parents will never have - I don’t mean that is a harsh way but as a realisation that out of everyone in the family, despite your grief and anguish, you still have the most chance of living a happy and fulfilled life despite this tragedy.

I can understand the hate however it is your parents who have left you feeling like this not your sister so don't blame her, You do need councilling but same token so do you your parents.

There needs to be some healing and I hope your family can try this before it becomes ostracized.

@anotherside I don’t agree with the way OP has phrased everything however I think it’s unfair for her parents to seemingly neglect her at 18. I think most parents still congratulate their children and celebrate their achievements even if they are adults.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP.

When you have kids, it does throw the way your parents treat you into sharp relief.

People who have commented here have not lived your life and so are quick to judge.
I am very sorry for you and all of your family. It sounds impossible to navigate in a ‘fair’ way for everyone. I hope you get the support you need and your parents are supported in their needs

I am so sorry for this tragedy. Your really parents need to be made aware of how they have totally neglected you as a person.
Congratulations on your accomplishments OP, and your upcoming baby!

Your parents can be failing to attend to your needs. That is their fault. It is not your sisters fault. I'm sorry they aren't there for you as you need.

Having the thought isn't bad. I think I would have the same thought if I felt neglected HOWEVER I would notice it as a thought and not engage with it as its a very simplistic view of a very complex situation. I would not engage nor ruminate on it.