To hate my brain damaged sister

[JulieBindelHasAKindle]

My sister is a 9 years younger than me. Up until she was 9 she was normal, no disabilities, smart, sporty and we were very close. She was in an accident (no details as identifying) that left her with severe brain damage. She’s doubly incontinent, nonverbal, quadriplegic. Basically in a minimally conscious state. She’s kept alive with no brain function for my parents sake. Every day my parents spend hours caring for her, talking to her, hoping she’ll recover. I’m never congratulated, I got top grades in my a levels, a first in my degree at a top university, a masters, high paying job. And I’m ignored while an involuntary twitch of her hand is seen as a miracle. It’s been 7 years since her accident and she’s the same as she was 6 years ago. AIBU to wish she didn’t survive?

I think you've got some grief to work through OP. Grieving not only your sister, but also your parents and the parts of your childhood you lost. X

Sounds like you hate what happened to your sister and how it impacted on her and everyone else rather than actually hating her as a oerson. It's sad that you have effectively been ignored because of the situation. I don't have words to make you feel better but do understand why you feel the way you do.

This ^^ Your sister isn’t responsible for this.

I really think you need some specialised therapy.

This, And i hope it doesn't get lost in all the sanctimonious posters ready to rip into op.

I'm sorry this happened to you all.

I'm not voting because it seems too flippant to do so.

It is pointless to hate your sister, she is not in control of her situation and does not mean in any way to impact your life. It sounds like your parents have not been able to manage parenting you as well as caring for your sister, and you understandably feel let down and left out as a result. I would strongly suggest some counselling to address your feelings around this, so that it doesn't affect you in the future.

Your parents were suddenly dropped into an horrific situation, and they are just human beings. Sometimes people don't cope well and make mistakes.

How ever you slice the information it's still a cold perspective

You sound much much more horrible to me. Have you ever been through what the op has ? What's your excuse for being so cold?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It's not life for your sister, or your parents.

Are you able to speak to them about hiw you feel? About how they overlook you l?

I do think talking this through with a professional would help too. You've lost the sister you knew, and any support you might have had from your parents.

I disagree. It's not cold. It's honest. It is so very hard to let a child go despite the realities you face, but we would consdier it cruel to keep any other mammal alive in such conditions. I have been kinder to my family pets. That doesn't mean that teh parents are cruel or unreasonable - their desperation to have their child back is understandable if unrealistic. But they have a child who is alive, and who has no such impediments, and is dying inside because she has no value to them. You can't forget the "normal child" because one isn't.

OP, I do think counseeling would help, but there is nothing wrong with you thinking this. It's completely understandable. I don't think anyone would want to be in your sisters situation, and it can also be a kindness not to want to see everyone, her, yourself and your parents suffer like this. But one day she probably will pre-decease you, and what you need is preparing for that. You can't change the past and what has already happened can't be undone. But what you don't want is to suffer this absence in silence without anyone hearing or acknowledging your needs, so that when the inevitable does happen, you blame yourself for wishing for it.

Spoken like someone who has NO IDEA what it's like to be in a situation like this.

You are all suffering the consequences of that accident in different ways. A friend of mine had therapy in her 20s for managing the fallout of having a severely autistic sibling who was psychotic at times, huge and violent. Not the sibling’s fault, but this didn’t make the trauma of being bottom of the pile any less real. You need support in coming to terms with what you cannot control. This might even empower you to talk to you parents about it in the right way. There are probably a number of constructive conversations that you are going to have to have with them. They probably need therapy too. They are letting your life pass them by, which, if they are honest with themselves, is a double loss. What about if you marry snd have children? Will they double down their efforts or miss out again because your sister is missing out? She was too young to have a opinion, but my gut is that any loving sister would want them to live life to the full and be there for you, not missing out. At some point they will also need to face the reality that she cannot live on a ventilator and being tube fed for the rest of their lives. Where do they draw the line? When do they give her peace? This is actually where religious belief is helpful as it allows people to let go.

@SnowyPetals I can’t speak to my parents about it because they understandably burst into tears.

I know it sounds cold because I did love my sister very much but the person I see in my parents lounge isn’t my sister.

I feel terrified to speak to anyone about this in real life as I know that I sound completely heartless.

Oh Im also a parent to a disabled child and my older sister was also similar too yours

Maybe you've never had a chance to speak about these issues with your parents and that must be really upsetting. So much loss, the adulthood you thought you'd share with DS, the relationship with your parents. There must be an underlying concern and fear that one day you may be expected to takeover parents role. Therapy for your whole family could offer hope and help some sense of control return.

I would feel exactly the same way OP. Congratulations on your masters and achievements in what sounds like a very difficult childhood.

I don't think you sound heartless. You've suffered a huge tragedy and it's ongoing. Lots of love to you.

I don't think the OP sounds horrible at all. She sounds like someone who has been emotional neglected by her parents. As awful as the sisters accident is the parents have completely disregarded their relationship with the OP. They have failed to accept the reality of the younger daughters accident and in doing so prioritised their grief completely over their elder daughter.

You don't sound heartless at all, you sound like someone who lost their sister in a very tragic way when you were only young, and the two people who should support you most are letting you down.

What happened to compassion, empathy , understanding ?

I think your feelings are valid but I’m guessing you don’t have children if you’re only 25? I think you’ll be able to reframe and understand your parents more if you become a parent yourself. You
may find yourself less bitter then.

All the best and positivity as best as.