How many sexual partners is too many?

[pontipinemum]

I was watching Ireland am and they said according to a survey (I can't find which one) that people over the age of 35 think that once your count of sexual partners/ lovers/ flings what ever you want to call it reaches 20 it becomes a concern.

I don't think that number sounds too high for a single person at 35. I was with my 1st bf for 2 years (16-18) 2nd bf (18 - 22) then met DH at 23 and would have had a few shorter term things so my 'number' is low. I was DH's 1st serious relationship, he probably has a much higher number IDK what it is.

I have a few friends who have been pretty much single their entire adult life. I can see that hitting the 20 mark could happen pretty easily, if you lose your virginity at 18 that's really not many at all. These are 'respectable' professional women (actuary/ solicitor/ accountant) who just happen to not have met the right man and like a bit of sex!

YABU - More than 20 is cause for concern
YANBU - 20 really isn't that high

Unreasonable to think that it's a matter for anyone else to judge.

I agree 20 is low if you're single for 10 years, let alone best part of 20.

I don't think I've heard numbers discussed in relation life since I left university.

There’s no such number.

Sleep with as many or as few people as you / one wants.

The only number that could ever be ‘too many’ is any that were coerced or rape.

I think "too much" is different for every person at every stage of life!

For me personally, 20 would be too much - I met my DH at 21 so I'd have had to have been pretty busy beforehand but I was too interested in my books and my degree to be fun 😂 but for some people that's an absolutely regular number! I'm sure for some it's also much higher.

It's like asking what weight is too heavy for someone to be - it's never applicable in every situation, changes for each person and there's no hard and fast rule. Everyone has their own number in their head which they think is high!

It really doesn’t matter if it’s 0 or 1,000 as long as the individual is happy with their number. Number shaming is usually aimed at women.

1 can be too many if it wasn't entered into with mutual consent and enjoyment by both parties. But counting partners is completely arbitrary and just a stick to beat people with, usually women. What does it actually tell us about a person? What difference would it make when I died, having been monogamous for 45 years, if I'd had a mad fortnight in Ayia Napa when i was 21 and enjoyed shagging 2 men a night? Absolutely none.

I think picking an arbitrary number out of thin air is pretty judgemental and it’s always aimed at women. They’re at 19 and all is ok, but one more and they’ve crossed a moral boundary? And who would blink twice if a man had slept with 20 women?

So long as everyone involved is a fully consenting adult and taking responsibility for their health, it doesn’t matter whether it’s 20 or 2020.

It's ridiculous that it even matters. But my number is very high, a thousand plus. Could even be two thousand. I spent A LOT of time hypomanic pre bipolar diagnosis and men and women just gravitated towards me. Was really fun though and despite being monogamous for the last 15 years I've got some excellent memories to fall back on. 😁

I'd say who cares. Aslong as both parties consent and are safe. You only get one life, enjoy it.

For me personally, 20 would have been beyond my bar, but I have no thoughts or opinions on whatever bar others want to set, or indeed not set, for themselves.

Having met my long term partner at 40 or so, that's along time single/dating.

3-4 a year would make it over 50. And that's with mostly dating someone exclusively, waiting until date 3-4 (mostly lol) not exactly wild behaviour.

So 50-100 still seems okay to me. Not sure many women admit to more than 50 or so though (whereas men admit to 1000!)

Should be around love.

It makes sense there is so much unhappiness among young people saying they want love like their grandparents but won't settle for the first decent person they meet.
Their grandma married a 5ft 2 sweet young man who worked and did a bit of DIY. Nowadays young women want a 6ft 5 bloke, don't mind if he's a layabout as long as he's good in bed, even if he's otherwise abusive and play PS5 all nigh.
What kind of a man is that? It's a child

This x 100

Anyone who thinks my number is 'too high' isn't the person for me. My number is objectively high but I don't care and I plan on increasing it too 😆

Have as many as you like as long as it's safe, consensual and you're both single.

You don't think that tiny dating pools, and divorce and having children outside marriage being hugely stigmatised back in the day might have had something to do with it?!

At least now if you fall for someone hot but a bit useless you're not stuck with them for life

That’s hilarious. In a generation we’ve moved from >1 to <20!

My granny used to maintain that in the height of the power of the Catholic Church, being married and therefore sexual was basically shameful, and the attitudes you faced in the labour room from the po faced nuns was something else.

They can feck off with their numbers. Should be ashamed of themselves taking any part in that hypocrisy.

This is surely only something people care about when they're under the AGE of 20?!

A lot? No I don’t think so.
some people try to pretend that paid for sex is normal- but it isn’t at all. It’s utterly rank.

I think it's no-one's damned business but your own.

I'm old. Decades ago I saw a young woman on English television saying that at 18, she'd only had five lovers, so she hadn't been at all promiscuous. I was shocked! The only way I could have imagined having had five lovers was if four husbands had died!

Time has passed and life experience has come my way. I was pro-life, now I'm pro-choice. I was 'honour/reputation' and now I'm 'my business, not yours'. I've known women who had countless lovers - didn't do them any harm at all. And women who had none - seemed perfectly fine without them.

What has pissed me off recently was my db telling me that 'every man a woman goes with adds 2 feet to the height of an imaginary ledge she's standing on'. So, five men, you're ten feet high, you'd probably survive a fall. Ten men, twenty feet, getting dangerous. The affrontery! Men telling women who they can/not sleep with, based on their own lunatic imaginations. Sod off. And with that goes women, telling other women who they can or can't sleep with.

So, they can keep their surveys (no offence, OP, it's not you, it's them) and roll them and shove them where the sun don't shine.

I think a person’s “number” (or “body count” as the kids say these days) is nobody’s business. I personally lost count because I dated a lot before meeting my DH and didn’t keep a tally.

But as we’re all anonymous and you volunteered the info, I’m super intrigued by how it is possible to sleep with potentially 2,000 people if it is not your job. Say you’re 65, lost your virginity at 20, monogamous for 15yrs, that would leave 30 years within which to fuck about but would mean meeting a new sexual partner on average every 5 days. How does that work and where did you meet these men/women? I don’t think I could have attracted that many people in my single days and I treated dating as a part time job!

One per hole plus one for each hand. Anything more is just greedy, and frankly impractical.

20 sounds pretty indiscriminate to me, but my life has been mostly with one partner.

But as long as it’s with informed consent (no one lying about other partners etc) it’s none of my business how many partners other people have.

There's no wrong number but it tickles me that it's always the awkward couldn't pull in a brothel type of men who lie and say crazy numbers in the thousands.