How many sexual partners is too many?

[pontipinemum]

I was watching Ireland am and they said according to a survey (I can't find which one) that people over the age of 35 think that once your count of sexual partners/ lovers/ flings what ever you want to call it reaches 20 it becomes a concern.

I don't think that number sounds too high for a single person at 35. I was with my 1st bf for 2 years (16-18) 2nd bf (18 - 22) then met DH at 23 and would have had a few shorter term things so my 'number' is low. I was DH's 1st serious relationship, he probably has a much higher number IDK what it is.

I have a few friends who have been pretty much single their entire adult life. I can see that hitting the 20 mark could happen pretty easily, if you lose your virginity at 18 that's really not many at all. These are 'respectable' professional women (actuary/ solicitor/ accountant) who just happen to not have met the right man and like a bit of sex!

YABU - More than 20 is cause for concern
YANBU - 20 really isn't that high

There’s no ‘too many’. If someone is happy and it’s consensual what else matters - stop judging. And unfortunately women will be seen negatively with a higher number of partners, and reverse for men

Personally I think it’s grim and don’t think I could be with someone that had more than 3/4 partners…

20 partners at age 35 equals 20 partners in 19 years over age of consent. It would be a bit concerning if that we were me because it would indicate to me I have a problem with staying in relationships.

There's no such thing! It doesn't matter how many sexual partners anyone has had.

DH asked me back when we started going out & I said hundreds, too many to count.

None of anyone’s business.

That must limit your field considerably.

Why is it ok for them to have put their penis in 4 vaginas but 5 isn’t ok? Genuinely curious as to how you arrive at an “acceptable” number.

Not everyone only wants to have sex within a relationship. Some people don’t even want relationships at all but still want sex.

The safety of the encounters would bother me more especially if they were casual. Using protection and regular STI testing would indicate they are bothered about their health and yours.

Good thing I have a vagina and not a lock then

How would you know?

If you live in a city and are single you can pretty much fill your boots. So long as you practice safe sex, nobody is getting hurt and you are mentally in a good place then who cares how many people you have slept with.

It’s very personal.

I’ve had sex with 9 people. This feels too many for me. One was non-consensual, five were one night stands, only one was within an actual relationship and the only person I ever slept with sober. Sex has never been enjoyable for me (eg: never had an orgasm or found it pleasurable) and was something I mostly did as a form of self destruction and partly in the hope that if I just kept doing it maybe eventually I would enjoy it. I wish my number was lower because as someone who hates sex it feels ridiculous to have done it so indiscriminately, however if I had actually enjoyed any of the experiences I expect I would feel differently and potentially would have racked up a much bigger number.

Anyone than someone you actually love/care is one too many. Hookup culture is just destructive.

It's unreasonable to think that a number matters at all tbh. As long as someone has learnt positive things from their previous relationships/ knows what they want/ have taken care of their sexual health then I don't think it's anyone else's business how many people they've slept with.

I'm amazed that anyone still cares about numbers in this day and age. In the 20 years we've been together it's never occurred to me to ask my DP how many people he'd slept with before we met, and he's never asked me that question either.

I think the important thing is that if you're in a relationship with someone, you can agree on your general standards/values/preferred behaviours. So while DP and I don't know how many partners the other person has had, we know we have similar attitudes to sex and sexual behaviour. That's all that matters really.

I have had only two. I think there's no reason to have any kind of 'acceptable' numbers. It is what it is.

Im nowhere near the 1000s (or even 100s) but there have been weeks where Ive slept with 3 or 4 guys. It just happened.
Also, if youre going out on the weekend, its pretty easy to go home with 2 different people in 2 different days!
And Ive met people who would go "home" with someone, then return, and pick up someone else, effectively sleeping with 2/3/4 people in one single night.

Its just about your mindset.

I voted YANBU. It’s no one’s business what someone’s number is. If you, used a general word rather than You OP , are happy with your number it’s all good.

@LifeIsHardAlways
Are you always so judgemental

I can't imagine being with someone so narrow minded

Ghastly

I met dh young and haven't had any other sexual partners since... but working out the average (7 including dh over the 6 years before I met him), and assuming I'd kept that up, I'd now be on 28!

I don't think it makes anyone a brazen hussy if they have more partners. It can just be the luck of the draw. Equally it doesn't make anyone a bore if they've only had a few 🤷‍♀️

Who.is it a concern to exactly?
I met my Dh, at 31 and was pretty much single throughout my 20,s so I had my share of flings ,one night stands etc
Who care as long as it ,s mutual?

I became sexually active at 18. Didn't get married till 48, had a couple of relationships that lasted around a year.

2 sexual partners a year would amount to around 60 lovers!

Have had around that I think, didn't keep count.

Yes I had a friend like that although im.not sure she wss particularly happy about it.

I think the number thing is so annoying and pointless because there are just too many variables. Someone who has had 80 partners because of a self destructive issue, non safe sex etc is a problem. Someone who has had 80 partners because they prefer to stay single, keep it casual and enjoy sex is fine.

I didn't do a lot of casual sex before DH, but I did snog a LOT of random men. There's a part of me that wishes I HAD had more sex with these men - why did I feel that I couldn't only kiss them and not have sex with them? I lost out probably on some really good moments!