How many sexual partners is too many?

[pontipinemum]

I was watching Ireland am and they said according to a survey (I can't find which one) that people over the age of 35 think that once your count of sexual partners/ lovers/ flings what ever you want to call it reaches 20 it becomes a concern.

I don't think that number sounds too high for a single person at 35. I was with my 1st bf for 2 years (16-18) 2nd bf (18 - 22) then met DH at 23 and would have had a few shorter term things so my 'number' is low. I was DH's 1st serious relationship, he probably has a much higher number IDK what it is.

I have a few friends who have been pretty much single their entire adult life. I can see that hitting the 20 mark could happen pretty easily, if you lose your virginity at 18 that's really not many at all. These are 'respectable' professional women (actuary/ solicitor/ accountant) who just happen to not have met the right man and like a bit of sex!

YABU - More than 20 is cause for concern
YANBU - 20 really isn't that high

So let's say you lose your virginity at 16, in a 2 year relationship. You then spend 3 years single at university, before getting into a 3 year relationship. You then spend a year single before getting into a relationship that lasts 6 years. That takes you to 30. You break up, spend another year single before you get into your current relationship of 4 years.
So that's 4 long term relationships, of 15 years, 5 years single. 16 partners in 5 years, let's take away 3 months for each relationship breakup etc - so that's 4 years single. So 16/4 is 4 partners a year. Would you still consider this person to have a problem staying in relationships.... despite spending 15 out of 20 years in 4 of them? Just curious.

@Curseofthenation

"Well, it depends. I wouldn't date a man that had slept with over 20 women but I wouldn't judge someone as a friend for doing so."

+++

I agree with you on both points but for different reasons.

If a man has slept with a high number of women then there is always that thought in your mind that the probability of just being "another one on the list" is quite high if you are seeking a long term relationship. Or the risk that if they have had that many partners then the perceived risk of them cheating seems higher. There are of course always those women who think that they can "change" the player or bad boy but I just think this is naive.

However if you are not seeking a long term relationship then the number of his partners is less relevant to you.

But given I think that the above logic should equally apply to both men and women, a high number of sexual partners for women would put off a man who had a lower number of partners, who equally might think he is just another one on the list.

Lastly what constitutes a high number is based on each person's (male or female) perception.

20 for me is too much but that's me. I always preferred to have a connection so long term relationships..A good friend of mine could easily have short flings and one night stands so passed that number.

I have never and would never judge her or anyone because we are all different. I'm happy with my lot. Had amazing sex, tantric at times, electrifying even and an incredible connection with each, and always remained friends or left it on a friendly note, except one ex for good reasons.

For women no limit, but for men ideally no more than 25-30.

Body count is absolutely nobody else's business. It just isn't.

I used to have a bit of a mindset of being glad I hadn't had too many sexual partners as I had some long-term relationships. Then I became single in my 30s, and they soon rank up, even if you're not going out with loads of people often.

I read somewhere once that when older people (mainly women) look back on their lives, they sometimes wish they'd had more sex/sexual partners/fun. I've decided I am going with the flow in life now, and if that means having fun with another single consenting man at the time, then so be it! The only person who can judge is me, and I'm the one having fun, so... 😄

If your bed is so full that people are falling off the sides then you may need to lose a couple of them.

For me 20 would be too much.
I've never liked to give myself away to just anybody and would always make them work for it. Each to their own though.

20 is also far to high for me, I also wouldn't want to be with a man who had slept with loads of other women. I'd find it quite off putting.
I've been with my husband since we were 18 so nearly 20 years now.

Bless you, you're utterly delusional. Speaking as someone whose DGM didn't keep her legs crossed (and had a lovely time with a nice chap in the RAF before DGD came along) it's a lie. Many babies were born o/s wedlock in the war. I really doubt the GPs of today were any better behaved. My mum wasn't. My uncle wasn't. My aunt in the Navy certainly wasn't. Plenty of random babies all over my family.

And OP your AIBU is all wrong. 20 is neither high nor low. It's just a number. No one asks men, "was your number always completely enthusiastically consenting?" which is the only question that matters, and frequently isn't the case.

For me a man who had been with 20 women or more would be too much.

But I think it's up to the individual.

That's the point though isn't it. 20 would be quite a lot to have got through by 18. But by 40 it's barely sexually active.

@ASGIRC that would be worrying. I would think my friend has something big going on.

@AnnieKayTee if your DH had, had sex with 20 people by age 18 that would have been a lot I think for a teenager. This survey was asked to people aged 35

The survey just said 'people' were asked they didn't specify men or women.

20 people by age 35 could/ probably is a mix of relationships (short and long) and a few flings.

I mentioned my friends professions, not really sure why. To say they aren't sex workers!

Also who said about lots of people using escorts IDK anyone that has used one. (Well I possibly do, but they've never told me)

20?
Only 20 in a full life time?

I can achieve that on a average Friday night

In all serious, "body counts" are just bullshit.

I've been with people who only had 1 previous eexual partner and I've been with people who've slept with over 1000.
It does not matter.
It made no difference to what type of person they are; if they are good in bed, if they are a kind person, if they have decent morals or not if they will be a good husband/wife etc

I think my point still stands

Widespread hookup culture is bad for society. There have always been people who have done this but on a widespread level it's bad for people. It's no wonder birth rates are going down because people are not settled

Incel alert.

Incel alert.

Incel alert.

It's nothing to do with Perrier not being settled. Women are still having babies but a lot more are realising they don't HAVE to have babies. They can say no. It's more acceptable now to be child free but just 20-3 years ago you would be branded a childless spinster that had never been lucky enough to find a man. Now woman can have a career instead. Or a career AND children. Or get a sperm donor and stay single. If anything it's the huge swathes of women that breed with unsuitable abusive men that I feel sorry with, being trapped in loveless relationships being treated like rubbish and raising kids that will carry on the cycle that I feel for. NOT the women that are happily shagging their way around the populace while committing to be child free.

Interesting put together fairplay. I would presume a woman who has been in steady relationships like that with the rebounds either side would likely have children from the long relationships. Rebounds short term relationships aren't great if you have children in your life and you're having Katie Price-style revolving door of men coming and going in and out their lives.

Too many = 1 more than you wanted

I think it all depends on the individual, the circumstances and how they feel.

I wanted to wait for the right person. I thought I had. We waited two years and we were totally in love. We were together another 3 years and then split up when we were 25, then I met my now husband. So even though I wanted to wait for “the one”, I was deeply in love (I still am with my husband!) with both men and although it would have been lovely if my husband had been my first, I don’t regret anything because I was truly in love the first time. I couldn’t just have one night stands but that’s just me, I would never judge anyone who does. To each their own.

No idea what anyone’s job has to do with their number of sexual partners. What’s a non-“respectable” job for women, please?

No such thing. As long as all parties involved are consenting adults, who give a shit? It's absolutely nobody else's business and does not define you as a person ffs.

The fact that this is even a discussion is pathetic.

Wait...what??

"...lots of people use escorts/etc..."

Why do you say that? 🤔 😂 I would not say that using escorts is something that "lots of people" do?!

What are you talking about?

There has always been widespread hookup culture, its just people are more free to talk about it.

Just look at the Ancient Greeks. They had loads of God's just for sex: Aphrodite, Himeros, Dionysus
The Ancient Romans were hooking up left, right and often under.

The fall in birth rate has nothing to do with widespread sex culture
If anything it should lead to a huge increase.
The fall in birth rates is due to women, like me, choosing - that's right choosing - not to have children.

This might come as a shock to you, but women (in the UK) do now have the freedom to choose:.

• The choice to have children or not
• The choice to get married or be in a LTR or be single
• the choice to have sex with as many people as they damn well choose
• the choice to have sex with whoever we want to. (Legally and consensually)

If you don't like that women or people are not "settling" and you think its "bad" then tough tits.