How many sexual partners is too many?

[pontipinemum]

I was watching Ireland am and they said according to a survey (I can't find which one) that people over the age of 35 think that once your count of sexual partners/ lovers/ flings what ever you want to call it reaches 20 it becomes a concern.

I don't think that number sounds too high for a single person at 35. I was with my 1st bf for 2 years (16-18) 2nd bf (18 - 22) then met DH at 23 and would have had a few shorter term things so my 'number' is low. I was DH's 1st serious relationship, he probably has a much higher number IDK what it is.

I have a few friends who have been pretty much single their entire adult life. I can see that hitting the 20 mark could happen pretty easily, if you lose your virginity at 18 that's really not many at all. These are 'respectable' professional women (actuary/ solicitor/ accountant) who just happen to not have met the right man and like a bit of sex!

YABU - More than 20 is cause for concern
YANBU - 20 really isn't that high

God I've had sex with everyone

Men and women both

Genuinely couldn't put a number on it but if it was above 100 I wouldn't bat an eyelid

Since my fun days, I'm now a very happily married, sensible mum of two who lives in a nice house and occasionally bakes cakes

My husband has had sex with two other people - he's 49. Bless him

Picking a number is so reductive. To take two extremes, I've got a friend whose number is very high because they had a horribly abusive childhood and sought out multiple sexual partners as a form of validation, it took therapy to work through this and stop. But I've also got a friend who prioritises sex because she enjoys it and it's important to her so when she's single she will have a fwb or one night stands to meet that need. Her number will also be high, but it's healthy for her. It's not for anyone else to judge, in fact it's just another way to tell women who they ought to be.

Too many is a personal thing, for me double figures would sound crazy because I don't have casual relationships. I'm middle aged and had 3 . But I've been fortunate to have long loving relationships so my experience relates to that

I've been with way more than 20. I did have a promiscuous phase and a lot of those men ( and some women) I slept with in my 20s I wouldn't give the time of day to now. But I don't regret it, it all adds to my life experience and I learned a lot about my own sexuality.

The difference in the perception between men and women with multiple sexual partners is perhaps best summed up by this analogy:

"A key that opens many locks is a master key.

A lock that's opened by many keys is a shitty lock"

Probably one of the best replies I've ever seen on here

I have a high number. I'm not bothered by others number, but I am bothered about context - consent, were they or the other person in another relationship? Did they use protection, have they paid for sex etc.

@Mumsanetta I was raised in a very male dominant family and environment and I was thankfully never taught to believe that my self worth or value was related to how many times I had been penetrated by a penis.

I lost my virginity at 14. Say I worked in bars and night clubs in holiday areas. Constantly changing pool of people to have sex with and some countries have a year round tourist scene so not just your average 4-6 months a year either. Even if you had sex with 2 people a week that's 104 a year. But I didn't have sex with 2 people a week. Sometimes it could be 3-4 of us at the same time. Sometimes a different person every day/every other day.

Honestly, I have no idea how many people I've been intimate with but for me there was zero emotional attachment. I find it incredibly easy to take my clothes off and have sex and it was all in the pursuit of sexual pleasure and with consenting adults. But despite it being great fun, it's nothing, absolutely nothing like what I experience with my Husband when we are intimate. With him it is emotional and I'm invested and our connection is so deep it blows my mind. He knows all about my past and doesn't care. He was very vanilla when we met and so I blew his mind and if anything he's kind of grateful as he reaps the benefits. I know for a fact I give a top notch blow job and I'm return he's given me a whole new level of pleasure as I never realised that true intimate sex could be so mind blowing.

And I'm not 65, I'm in my mid 40s and I'm definitely female 😁

Some funny responses on here!

I haven't actually been told the number by any of my friends since my uni days I am guessing on my friends due to what they do tell me. I haven't kept a tally or anything!!

@AbraKedavra 😂or 😭maybe!!

@StopStartStop 4 dead husbands would be some going by age 18!

387

I'd say if your number is even 120 and 120 is your husband wife then that's fine! .... 121 is too many though 🤪

@StopStartStop 4 dead husbands would be some going by age 18!
You're not joking! Sorry, I meant five marriages in a lifetime. I had a very clear-cut idea about how life should be lived. 😂

One and we've been together nearly 52 years.

I think judging the amount of sexual partners someone else has had, is only something people with low self esteem do. It's always been an instant turn off when a man has asked me what my "number" is.

As long as it's safe, consentual and enjoyable, have sex with as many people as you like.

I don’t value the opinion of people who are concerned with ‘numbers’ like this, they are invariably judgemental about other non-things too and that’s such a terrible personality trait to have.

I do, however, really like talking about partners ex partners, and finding out what was good and bad, why this worked or that didn’t, about the connections they had, and regrets, high or low points etc. (I think there’s an apostrophe missing somewhere, I mean the ex partners of whoever I am currently with.)

That’s interesting about it being a low self esteem thing.

I have observed it’s also a shallow thing to be concerned about, I know someone very concerned about ‘numbers’ and she also judges if you’re not wearing ‘appropriate’ (in her eyes) clothing, or if your food habits don’t mesh with hers, or if you decorate how you like as opposed to a fairly bland generic style. Some people cling to socially acceptable rules and cannot comprehend that they’re mostly made up rules.

OP what on earth does your friends professions have to do with anything?

Are one night stands only acceptable amongst professionals?

A shit analogy used to guilt women is even shittier when said by women to women

Well, it depends. I wouldn't date a man that had slept with over 20 women but I wouldn't judge someone as a friend for doing so. I feel this way because I have only slept with my DH and he has only slept with me. So, if I wasn't with my DH then I'd want to date a man with a low count too. I'm mid 30s.

Hear hear!

I spent long periods being single and I have totally lost count. That’s how much it matters to me.

A woman should go with whoever she wants, as long as she is safe, and as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. The only times anyone should count as too many are the times it isn't consented. No one says too many when men count.