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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed my husband stole skin to skin time

552 replies

Hamiltondoesnthesitate · 16/08/2023 09:15

I’m probably being unreasonable, and happy to be told I am. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of resentment that when our first daughter was born 5 years ago (yes, I have been known to bear a grudge!) my husband had most of the first 1hr of skin to skin time. I was a bit out of it on gas and air, but essentially I delivered our daughter and she was given to me by the midwife, I think I held her for about 5mins and then the midwives weighed/examined her. The midwife went to pass my daughter back to me but my husband intercepted and asked to hold her, he then sat away from me, unbuttoned his shirt and did skin to skin for about an hour.

I was still quite groggy from the gas and air, so didn’t really ask for her back until an hour or so, but I feel he should have at least offered to bring her to me or sat next to me, rather than sit far away in a corner with her?! I didn’t attempt to breastfeed until an hour after she was born, I struggled a bit and couldn’t get her to latch on until a few days after she was born.

These feelings were stirred up again when I had our second daughter. Before she was born, I explained to my husband that I wanted to have skin to skin immediately after the birth for 30mins and also attempt to get her to latch on in that time. I said I was happy for him to hold her in that time, but not to take her to the other side of the room for an hour like last time! Anyway I ended up having an emergency c-section. The doctor took the baby to be checked over immediately after delivery. As they were removing the placenta, I noticed my husband start to unbutton his shirt. The midwife picked up the baby and started walking towards me, my husband, shirt unbuttoned, stood in her way with outstretched arms as if to take the baby! The midwife ignored him and placed the baby on my chest, and she stayed there until they had sewn me up etc, she was even able to latch on. But I have a niggling resentment that my husband intended to disregard my wishes, and just do what he wanted!

I know I should be/am grateful for 2 healthy daughters. I just feel that my husband intentionally wants to cut me out/not include me in many ways - but it started at day 1 from each of their births.

Sorry that was long, thank you if you reached the end!

OP posts:
ssd · 16/08/2023 12:33

He is horrible

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 16/08/2023 12:34

napody · 16/08/2023 09:34

The story about your first daughter I could imagine him just being a bit overwhelmed and not thinking to offer her back to you/thought you needed recovery time/didn't understand the connection to successful breastfeeding.
The second birth: my mouth fell open reading it. What a knob. Well done to that midwife 👏

Same!! Reading this made me genuinely sad (and I found it shocking)

dontletsaskforthemoon · 16/08/2023 12:35

oh gosh, your 2nd post and your response to the other PP has sent shivers up my spine.

This just feels really sinister. Others have articulated it much better and probably provided much more help but I think you need to start the ball rolling on getting this sorted to save your daughters.

itsallnewnow · 16/08/2023 12:36

AnneAnon · 16/08/2023 12:30

I’ve always thought men doing skin to skin is odd (and unnecessary) but this guy is a walking red flag. Deeply, deeply creepy.

I mean, in the right context it's fine. I was v. Poorly after birth of Dd and needed emergency treatment and a transfusion, my Dh knew how important skin to skin was and was already shirtless from coming in the birthing pool at my request so held the baby.
I'm really glad one parent was able to give that comfort and warmth to baby even if it wasn't me and we still breastfed fine.

The rest of this though and his general behaviour about skin to skin is utterly horrifying!!

WongWifi · 16/08/2023 12:37

nationallampoons · 16/08/2023 09:46

I'm sorry but your husband is very strange. It's weird behaviour

I agree!

Twiglets1 · 16/08/2023 12:40

Your poor husband. Keeping a grudge all these years.

SillyFillyDress · 16/08/2023 12:41

It sounds like your husband is not secure about his role as a father. The only family dynamics he knows is when people are set against each other. So he consciously or subconsciously tries to recreate the same scenario. He needs to be better than someone, he wants to have exclusive relationships like some secrets, special moments only for him and one of your kids. It sounds like low self-esteem to me. But if he doesn't see why this pattern is wrong there is not much you can do except leave.

DaggerIsle · 16/08/2023 12:42

Twiglets1 · 16/08/2023 12:40

Your poor husband. Keeping a grudge all these years.

This is peak RTFT. Surely you only read the title, not even the first post?

Pebbledashery · 16/08/2023 12:42

YANBU OP - I remember giving birth to my daughter and having to be stitched up to, her father took and did the skin to skin time, after I was stitched up I asked for her and he didn't want to give me her! after a traumatic birth, THIS is what I was always remember, it reduced me to tears.
You are absolutely not unreasonable to feel the way you do.

SphincterSaysWhat · 16/08/2023 12:43

Was he hoping it would help with his milk production?

FFS.

Men have all the world and still want more.

Stompythedinosaur · 16/08/2023 12:43

Yeah, I think that's pretty awful.

Obviously I wanted dp to bond with our babies, but they had literally just been inside my body. It was my smell and heartbeat they wanted just then. I held them first and dp second and for limited time. He got plenty of opportunity to bind later while I had a sleep. My memory of him, when we got home that afternoon, strapping newborn dd2 in a sling to take her, toddler dd1 and the dog for a walk while I had a nap is something I cherish!

What does he say about it now?

sodthesodoff · 16/08/2023 12:43

Twiglets1 · 16/08/2023 12:40

Your poor husband. Keeping a grudge all these years.

There's always one

Ops husband shows concerning signs of grooming his daughter and gets sympathy.

Nanny0gg · 16/08/2023 12:47

Moroccanqueen · 16/08/2023 11:27

I’m clearly in the minority here but I really don’t see an issue with him doing skin to skin although I do agree that if you expressed your feelings then he should have listened to you though so was definitely a-bit careless with the second birth.

however are you sure it was malicious? Could he have just been really caught up in the moment and emotional? or is he like this in many aspects of the relationship?

The OP updated before you posted.

Read that and see why you're in the minority

AuntieJune · 16/08/2023 12:48

I'd be interested to know how your H relates to his mother, OP. Does his dad act this way to her as well?

Do you hang out with other people much, and how do they respond to your H?

Izzy54321 · 16/08/2023 12:48

Bloody hell OP I’ve read all your posts you know what you need to do. I’m so sorry OP but your husband is so wrong so creepy it’s actually making my skin crawl about “shall we play/talk after mommy has gone” OMG grooming in plain sight. Get a plan together and leave with your daughters they are both going to need therapy and so are you. Start by getting copies of everything you might need financially ect. I would be buying a nannycam today. Good luck OP

AnneAnon · 16/08/2023 12:49

Honestly I think I’d take my kids and go on the fucking run from this guy.

Nanny0gg · 16/08/2023 12:49

bozzabollix · 16/08/2023 11:43

I had a C section six weeks early. My daughter was removed because she was very sick, I didn’t see her until several hours later when I was able to be wheeled there post surgery. Meanwhile every grandparent and my husband had seen her first in NICU.

I’m fine with that, it was the way things were and although it wasn’t ideal she’s totally ok. She could’ve died. We have a very close relationship and her horrendous birth is a distant memory. The future is important, not just the day of their birth.

Focus on the here and now, that’s the important bit. When you nearly lose your child you realise how much isn’t important.

Please RTFT!!

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 16/08/2023 12:51

Twiglets1 · 16/08/2023 12:40

Your poor husband. Keeping a grudge all these years.

🙄

Nanny0gg · 16/08/2023 12:51

Twiglets1 · 16/08/2023 12:40

Your poor husband. Keeping a grudge all these years.

These types of posts on these types of threads, when there aren't that many of the OP's posts to read, make me irrationally angry😡

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 16/08/2023 12:52

@Nanny0gg
Me too

Autumnsoon · 16/08/2023 12:53

I had gas and air ,I wasn’t out on it for ages after
what other ways does he undermine you op
yes ,I’d of been very upset in your shoes too
can’t believe the midwife didn’t take baby of him the first time round

hygieneversustheplanet · 16/08/2023 12:54

Skin to skin contact is not only beneficial for mothers, but also for fathers or other caregivers. They can also hold the baby skin to skin, especially if the mother is unable or unavailable to do so. This can help them bond with the baby, share the parenting responsibilities, and support the mother's recovery.

It sounds like your husband was very eager to have skin to skin contact with your daughters, which is understandable and commendable. However, it also sounds like he did not respect your wishes or feelings, which is not acceptable or fair. He should have asked you first if you were okay with him holding the baby, and he should have stayed close to you and shared the experience with you. He should have also given you back the baby when you wanted to hold her or feed her.

I think you have every right to be annoyed by his actions, and I think you should talk to him about how you feel. You can tell him that you appreciate his love and involvement with your daughters, but that you also need him to respect your boundaries and preferences. You can explain to him why skin to skin contact is important for you and your babies, and how it makes you feel when he takes it away from you. You can also ask him why he feels the need to do it so much, and what he hopes to achieve by it.

Maybe he has some insecurities or fears that make him want to bond with your daughters as much as possible, or maybe he has some misconceptions or expectations that make him think he has to do it more than you. Maybe he is trying to help you or support you in some way, but he doesnt realise that he is actually hurting you or undermining you.

Whatever his reasons are, I think it is important that you communicate with him openly and honestly, and try to understand each others perspectives and feelings. You can also try to find a compromise or a solution that works for both of you, such as taking turns holding the baby skin to skin, doing it together as a family, or setting some rules or boundaries about when and how long it can be done.

Usernamen · 16/08/2023 12:54

I have no understanding of the skin on skin issue and why it’s so important as I am not a mother (but my goodness does reading about it make me broody - ANYWAY).

I just wanted to add that my family is like OP’s DH’s family in that we just cannot do things all together as a family. I don’t know why, but we just can’t manage it. We always do things in smaller groups (and there were only 6 of us, now 5), and this has a lasting impact because, for example, I loathe socialising in groups bigger than 4 - I find it so stressful.

So there may be a non-sinister explanation for why the DH likes to spend time with only one child. This is what he is used to in his family.

ilovesushi · 16/08/2023 12:55

My husband had skin to skin with my first while I got sewn up from an emergency caesarian. I was really glad for him and for DS. But as soon as I was able, he handed him to me. As soon as DS was born, the lovely anethetist insisted, the baby came to me so we could see each other before they did all the checks. In fact he got them to stop what they were doing and prioritise the mother baby bond. After the birth I was very cared for. The before was another story!

I 100% get what you are feeling. We are so vulnerable immediately after giving birth. We expect out partners to look out for us as a priority. I'm sorry you are carrying this emotional weight!

jays · 16/08/2023 12:55

You’re NOT being u reasonable, I’m furious on your behalf. Something about what he’s done