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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed my husband stole skin to skin time

552 replies

Hamiltondoesnthesitate · 16/08/2023 09:15

I’m probably being unreasonable, and happy to be told I am. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of resentment that when our first daughter was born 5 years ago (yes, I have been known to bear a grudge!) my husband had most of the first 1hr of skin to skin time. I was a bit out of it on gas and air, but essentially I delivered our daughter and she was given to me by the midwife, I think I held her for about 5mins and then the midwives weighed/examined her. The midwife went to pass my daughter back to me but my husband intercepted and asked to hold her, he then sat away from me, unbuttoned his shirt and did skin to skin for about an hour.

I was still quite groggy from the gas and air, so didn’t really ask for her back until an hour or so, but I feel he should have at least offered to bring her to me or sat next to me, rather than sit far away in a corner with her?! I didn’t attempt to breastfeed until an hour after she was born, I struggled a bit and couldn’t get her to latch on until a few days after she was born.

These feelings were stirred up again when I had our second daughter. Before she was born, I explained to my husband that I wanted to have skin to skin immediately after the birth for 30mins and also attempt to get her to latch on in that time. I said I was happy for him to hold her in that time, but not to take her to the other side of the room for an hour like last time! Anyway I ended up having an emergency c-section. The doctor took the baby to be checked over immediately after delivery. As they were removing the placenta, I noticed my husband start to unbutton his shirt. The midwife picked up the baby and started walking towards me, my husband, shirt unbuttoned, stood in her way with outstretched arms as if to take the baby! The midwife ignored him and placed the baby on my chest, and she stayed there until they had sewn me up etc, she was even able to latch on. But I have a niggling resentment that my husband intended to disregard my wishes, and just do what he wanted!

I know I should be/am grateful for 2 healthy daughters. I just feel that my husband intentionally wants to cut me out/not include me in many ways - but it started at day 1 from each of their births.

Sorry that was long, thank you if you reached the end!

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 16/08/2023 11:57

Reading your posts has made me feel very uncomfortable indeed and very upset and sad for you.

Your husband's behaviour is likely damaging your children and will give them serious psychological issues. You probably need to get them away from him.

Shade17 · 16/08/2023 11:59

I did get quite a bit of initial skin to skin time as DW was in theatre so it was me or nothing. Totally get why you’re pissed off though!

Stef8 · 16/08/2023 12:00

Hollyppp · 16/08/2023 11:47

I don’t know, I don’t think it’s AWFUL like PP.

my first child I had EMCS and felt v weak so I asked them not to put baby on my chest but to do skin to skin with DH. Held baby after 20 mins or so

second baby I had emergency c under general anaesthetic and neither of us held baby for 7 hours as she was in neo natal.
He touched her first and held her hand first while I was still in recovery

both babies took to breastfeeding easily and I bonded well with both. I don’t blame husband for wanting to be there for our babies

I don’t think the desire for skin to skin is necessarily about forming a bond. For me, it was just something in my birth preferences, which I felt should be honoured - as much as was possible and safe. I appreciate birth often doesn’t go to plan. Sure, I also hoped my baby would go through the steps leading to the first latch but I knew I could do this later if needed eg due to my emergency Caesarean.

If there is one moment in a woman’s life that her wishes should come first it is when she gives birth. That’s what it boils down to for me.

MonsterCalling · 16/08/2023 12:04

Iwasafool · 16/08/2023 11:42

With one of mine I had a GA for an EMCS and it was a while before I was taken from theatre, recovery and onto the ward. I was still groggy but DH tried his best to get me in a position to latch the baby on, I'd told him I wanted to put baby to the breast straight after the birth and that was the best he could do. I think the whole "bond" from skin to skin is exaggerated. I have the closest bond with that child, nothing wrong with my bond with the others but that one is the strongest.

I think it is also a bit disrespectful to mothers who can't have immediate skin to skin to make it some sort of holy grail, another thing for mothers to "fail" at and beat themselves up about.

Vaginal delivery
Vaginal delivery without pain relief
Breast feeding

All things we feel judged about and now we can add skin to skin. I'm sure there are more that could be added to the list.

Please read OP’s updates.

xyz111 · 16/08/2023 12:10

Op, this is not normal. What he says to your 2nd daughter is just weird. It's like he's got this strange obsession with skin to skin. It's not like a child grows up remembering it! It doesn't matter. But the way he's treating all 3 of you isn't on. It's like he needs some therapy.

80s · 16/08/2023 12:10

He attributes this closeness to the initial skin to skin bonding they shared when she was first born.
Childish tit-for-tat comment in reponse to the fact that you "claimed" the first skin-to-skin contact after the second birth? Designed purely to criticise you for saying you wanted it before him?

Neither of you say this stuff in front of the kids, though, right?

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 16/08/2023 12:11

OP, I read your oP prepared to say that YABU. And that it’s his baby too. In fact there are tribes which advocate skin to skin with the dad when the baby is born.

But this isn’t about that, it’s just that the skin to skin has triggered the realisation that something is wrong here. And it is. Very wrong.

I would be looking into my options, but tbh I would also be seeking some professional advice, because if you leave then your DD’s will be alone with him potentially for 50% of the time,and given his creepy attitude that is a thought which would make me stay. Genuinely. So before you decide what you want to do about the relationship, you need to seek some advice wrt whether there’s anything you can do to prevent your husband being alone with the DC in light of his suspicious behaviour.

ActDottie · 16/08/2023 12:13

Initially I was going to say you’re be unreasonable, but after reading your post fully I think you’re not. Particularly after the second birth and him expecting to have skin to skin before you after explaining it.

DisforDarkChocolate · 16/08/2023 12:18

Somehow I think this must be one of many ways he disregards you needs.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 16/08/2023 12:18

SiousieSoo · 16/08/2023 10:17

Something about this is really unsettling and weird. I can see why you held onto this for so long after your first birth. It just says so much that he tried to mimic your position by unbuttoning his shirt both times. Skin to skin time I thought was relevant to the mother as it invokes important hormones to stimulate breastfeeding and a connection. They are your babies you carried and you should have been front and centre of this. He has deprived you of something very primal and important to indulge his own weird sense of entitlement. It is honestly a bit strange and icky. I am sorry but I think you need to sit back and think carefully about who he is as I cannot see this is an isolated instance of his selfishness.

I totally agree with @SiousieSoo . It is troubling.

What has the rest of his behaviour been like over the years?

CissOff · 16/08/2023 12:19

WinterDeWinter · 16/08/2023 11:07

I think the big problem is what's going on NOW @Hamiltondoesnthesitate . It's very, very, very wrong for your husband to be creating an 'you and me versus mum' structure in your family.Have you ever challenged him on this, because it's extraordinarily manipulative and also very unusual to be so open about it. If you haven't, you must start doing so now. Right now.

At the very least this is emotional abuse towards both your DD and you.

At the very worst it's sexual grooming. Somewhere in the middle is emotional grooming, where the daughter becomes the 'wife' in the triad, with lasting psychological impact on her. He will make her complicit in this - he already is - and she will feel terrible conflict and self-repulsion because she has been groomed to crave what she on some level knows is wrong. She will seek similar triangles in the future - will not feel loved unless it is at the expense of another. At the same time, she's likely to be tortured by guilt.

Your second daughter will also be profoundly impacted - rejected as 'not enough to be my wife'. As well as the crushing blow to her self-esteem, she will also know that what she longs for is wrong - like your elder daughter, she will hate herself for wanting her father's perverse attention.

On the matter of the skin to skin - you can see that he thinks this time is exceptionally important, because he (wrongly) attributes his lack of closeness with DD2 to not having it with her. Yet twice he wanted to deprive you of that bond.

There is something deeply, deeply creepy about a man demanding that a tiny powerless baby touches him in this utterly intimate way - 'gives herself to him first'. Others have mentioned, there is something fetishistic about it. It's fucking repulsive actually.

These are serious and very unusual responses/behaviours OP. This is so very far beyond normal. I think he sounds dangerous, and I don't think I've ever said that on here.

This articulates how I feel better than anything else I’ve read.

I feel repulsed by your descriptions OP. It feels wrong on so many levels.

I get the sense that he wouldn’t be able or willing to hear anything you say about the matter either.

Hohohogreenjennie · 16/08/2023 12:20

Omg his behaviour is creepy and just reading it has made me feel uncomfortable. I don’t know how you cope. There are some very strange dynamics going on in your household and it sounds like he’s grooming your eldest. I genuinely think you need to take the children to see a professional and get intervention because this is just chilling.

NotLoud1 · 16/08/2023 12:22

I’m a man and would never have dreamt of doing this to my wife and child.
Its, IMO, very very weird behaviour.

xnalaks · 16/08/2023 12:23

"There is something deeply, deeply creepy about a man demanding that a tiny powerless baby touches him in this utterly intimate way - 'gives herself to him first'. Others have mentioned, there is something fetishistic about it. It's fucking repulsive actually.

These are serious and very unusual responses/behaviours OP. This is so very far beyond normal. I think he sounds dangerous, and I don't think I've ever said that on here."

@WinterDeWinter excellent summary of why this all feels so so wrong

sodthesodoff · 16/08/2023 12:23

Sorry I've just skimmed. But I read your update and i just feel like screaming no no no at you

SO many things wrong with this. I can't even begin to verbalise it all. My alarm bells are screeching at me.

Please realise this is not normal

I hate that he is abusing your daughters. Yes I think it's abuse. By favouriting one and being shitty to the other because of the skin to skin time.

He is creepy as fuck and I would not allowing him unsupervised access with my daughters. As he is insisting upon.

Just no fuck no.

Wolfinthehouse · 16/08/2023 12:24

There's something very sinister sounding with this whole situation, at best he's emotionally abusive and at worst he's grooming your eldest.
Does his general demeanour when not around the kids give off these creepy vibes?
I don't think I'd be able to move past his insistence on only having family time if it's one on one, I love spending time independantly with each of my kids but we spend most of our time all together!

Clefable · 16/08/2023 12:26

This is all really unsettling, OP. I was prepared to say you were BU after reading the bit about the first birth but the subsequent stuff has made me feel really uncomfortable. The thought of him unbuttoning his shirt and standing in the way of you and the baby even after having had that discussion with him is really horrible in a way I can't really articulate. I think predatory does sum it up. Thank god for that midwife.

It sounds like a really weird and unhealthy dynamic in general.

FlamingoQueen · 16/08/2023 12:26

Perhaps there is nothing sinister going on, but he definitely needs to include you and younger dd otherwise he’s going to have a lot of therapy bills when they’re older (or divorce!).

dontletsaskforthemoon · 16/08/2023 12:27

napody · 16/08/2023 09:34

The story about your first daughter I could imagine him just being a bit overwhelmed and not thinking to offer her back to you/thought you needed recovery time/didn't understand the connection to successful breastfeeding.
The second birth: my mouth fell open reading it. What a knob. Well done to that midwife 👏

I thought exactly the same as you @napody . First time, I could think aw he forgot as he was overwhelmed with it all but the 2nd occasion?!!? wtaf?! nah. That's horrible for you. So pleased the midwife totally ignored him!

Glassfullofdreams · 16/08/2023 12:27

I think I could forgive the first time - maybe he didn't realise the significance of it. But, the fact that he tried to do it again (even though he didn't succeed) shows a complete lack of respect for your feelings. I'm not sure I could forgive that.

AnneAnon · 16/08/2023 12:28

Ick Ick Ick 🚩 🚩

HoldOnMiGenna · 16/08/2023 12:30

Like another poster said, people show their character through the little things.
Many a "new age" man is being enabled in his misogyny due to many a woman equating " equality" with " same".

The OP is still vexed five years on because she is aware that the first time much less the second was a Red Flag.
And to think that so many women on Mumsnet think that nobody apart from the father should be considered as being present during a child's birth when women want their mother or sister.
And a osyer on here completely minimising this man's territorialism and asking if he is a wonderful father as if the OP is just a broodmare.
OP, your husband is a wrong'un. You know why you are pissed so long after the fact. Keep a diary and get your fucks in a row. And be sure that your husband is marking every one of your cards in preparation for any separation in order to cast you as an unsuitable parent.
I hope that you are not a SAHM. If you are, get a job, no excuses. Any challenging intimate partnership issues will not be mollified by your unemployment.
Being employed makes a light
at the end of a tunnel easier to see when homelife is tricky. Ask a man.
There's something about a father unbuttoning his shirt when his baby is fresh out the womb, the baby's mother all "open" ,but HIM "needing" skin to skin before the mother that chills my blood.
Funny how all other male mammals know their place and the females of other mammals gatekeeping the order is not seen as bad or excluding the father.
Normal men love to see the initial skin to skin post birth attachment between mother and baby and are sad when it can't happen. They don't start stripping in entitlement of their baby being passed to them before the mother whose body just birthed the baby!
I always said to myself from the age of ten that I'd rather have one hundred exes than to stay and persist with one man that hates me.
And that has stood me in good stead when it comes to boundaries and filtering out "pick me" noise from other women.
It has made my circle of friends smaller than I would like, but at least my mind doesn't feel like cooked linguine trying to hold cognitive dissonance, especially as I approach the Autumn of my life.

AnneAnon · 16/08/2023 12:30

I’ve always thought men doing skin to skin is odd (and unnecessary) but this guy is a walking red flag. Deeply, deeply creepy.

itsallnewnow · 16/08/2023 12:30

Op your post gave me chills. I was sexually abused as a child by my birth father and the behaviours are so similar, especially in the years leading up to it starting even down to walking ahead just me and him with me being his special girl, there were little secret gifts and treats as well.

I don't want to post more here and I'm not saying that's what's happening but it's very concerning.

Feel free to Send me a direct message if you want to talk more x

Izzy54321 · 16/08/2023 12:31

Grandmother here who had the first hold and cuddles after my daughter was rushed to surgery with my son in law in tow immediately after the birth of my granddaughter who stayed with me until they both came back 2 hours later. I understand the situation with your first DD as you readily admit to being out of it. But your H was totally out of order with the birth of your second DD. Have you spoke to him about it??