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Original poster

To be annoyed my husband stole skin to skin time

552 replies

Hamiltondoesnthesitate · 16/08/2023 09:15

I’m probably being unreasonable, and happy to be told I am. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of resentment that when our first daughter was born 5 years ago (yes, I have been known to bear a grudge!) my husband had most of the first 1hr of skin to skin time. I was a bit out of it on gas and air, but essentially I delivered our daughter and she was given to me by the midwife, I think I held her for about 5mins and then the midwives weighed/examined her. The midwife went to pass my daughter back to me but my husband intercepted and asked to hold her, he then sat away from me, unbuttoned his shirt and did skin to skin for about an hour.

I was still quite groggy from the gas and air, so didn’t really ask for her back until an hour or so, but I feel he should have at least offered to bring her to me or sat next to me, rather than sit far away in a corner with her?! I didn’t attempt to breastfeed until an hour after she was born, I struggled a bit and couldn’t get her to latch on until a few days after she was born.

These feelings were stirred up again when I had our second daughter. Before she was born, I explained to my husband that I wanted to have skin to skin immediately after the birth for 30mins and also attempt to get her to latch on in that time. I said I was happy for him to hold her in that time, but not to take her to the other side of the room for an hour like last time! Anyway I ended up having an emergency c-section. The doctor took the baby to be checked over immediately after delivery. As they were removing the placenta, I noticed my husband start to unbutton his shirt. The midwife picked up the baby and started walking towards me, my husband, shirt unbuttoned, stood in her way with outstretched arms as if to take the baby! The midwife ignored him and placed the baby on my chest, and she stayed there until they had sewn me up etc, she was even able to latch on. But I have a niggling resentment that my husband intended to disregard my wishes, and just do what he wanted!

I know I should be/am grateful for 2 healthy daughters. I just feel that my husband intentionally wants to cut me out/not include me in many ways - but it started at day 1 from each of their births.

Sorry that was long, thank you if you reached the end!

OP posts:
jays · 16/08/2023 12:56

Posted to soon, something about what he’s done and the way he went about it would be very difficult if not impossible for me to get past, I really feel for you. X

Autumnsoon · 16/08/2023 12:57

I’ve just read all your posts op
that is a man who thinks he can be mummy better than you can
he’s trying to exclude and undermine you
he’s creepy ,..this is not innocent,he knows what he’s doing
be careful

Poivresel · 16/08/2023 12:59

Your dh is horrible.
Your babies need and want their mums after birth so what he did was selfish towards his own dc.
It would be a different matter in an emergency where you couldn't hold the baby but what your dh did was deliberately selfish.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 16/08/2023 13:00

There are two things that bother me about this.

One is that your husband has created a world which no-one else shares that says that skin-to-skin contact is THE defining experience that determines how close you are to a child. That's rubbish, I bet none of his friends believe this, I don't believe it and most women don't believe it, even if they see the benefit of skin-to-skin contact (I didn't have any but all was fine). There's a huge difference in thinking it's nice to do skin-to-skin contact, and using it later in life to define how you relate to your children and to essentially downgrade one of them. I know no-one who believes this or does this,

The second is he's asking your dd to keep secrets. What's all this stop talking and we'll start again when mum has gone? That's secret talking. That's absolutely not ok, children should not be having private/secret conversations with dad which mum is not privy to and is held at arms length,

This is all so odd, I think people trying to relate it to their own first moments after birth are barking up the wrong tree, it's absolutely not about that, it's about his need to create and control an alternative and potentially isolated world for your eldest child, which could end up being dangerous for her (as well as emotionally awful for the rest of you). Don't go along with it, it's madness.

Pebbledashery · 16/08/2023 13:00

YET ANOTHER THREAD WHERE PEOPLE DON'T READ THE FULL THREAD OR OP'S UPDATES, IT IS HUGELY FRUSTRATING.

AuntieJune · 16/08/2023 13:00

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hygieneversustheplanet · 16/08/2023 13:01

Just read your update.

I'm sorry to hear that your husband is being a bit of a knob. It sounds like he has some issues with communication, intimacy, and parenting that are hurting you and your family.

You said he tried to have skin to skin with your second DD because he thought you couldn't hold her after the EMCS. Maybe he was worried about you and the baby, or maybe he was selfish and insensitive. Either way, he should have waited for your OK before taking the baby.

You also said he has a very close relationship with your eldest DD, and that he thinks its because of the skin to skin they had. Maybe he is proud and loving of his DD, or maybe he is insecure and possessive of her. Either way, he shouldn't compare or favour his children based on their birth or personality.

You also said he excludes you from activities and chats with your DCs, and that he prefers to spend time with them alone rather than as a family. Maybe he is stressed by family life and needs some space and time to chill. Or maybe he is unhappy or dissatisfied with your marriage and wants to avoid or escape from you. Either way, he shouldn't isolate or alienate you from your DCs or make you feel unwelcome or unwanted.

nolongersurprised · 16/08/2023 13:03

Not the point but in Australia dads wear theatre scrubs in theatre so nothing to unbutton. it must be different in the Uk

hygieneversustheplanet · 16/08/2023 13:04

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Creepy pillock it is, then....

ginandtonicwithlimes · 16/08/2023 13:04

Your DH sounds like a dick.

hygieneversustheplanet · 16/08/2023 13:08

monsteramunch · 16/08/2023 11:30

Please RTFT - it's really easy to read all of an OP's posts even if you don't want to read everyone else's. On the desktop click 'see all' on the bottom right of an OP's posts and on the app select the OP's username from the dropdown that looks like a funnel on the top right of a thread.

OP's situation is deeply concerning and a much bigger issue than the skin to skin one specifically. Her husband sounds like he is deeply damaging their children with parental alienation and a divide and conquer style at absolute best.

Show quote history

Thanks, this was a helpful post. I was looking for that feature!

MeridianB · 16/08/2023 13:12

Handhold from me, OP. @WinterDeWinter has it.

Definitely worth seeking a professional view. But you are most definitely not being unreasonable. Flowers

ashitghost · 16/08/2023 13:14

Creepy and inappropriate. I’m not surprised you can’t shake it off.

MonsterCalling · 16/08/2023 13:14

AnneAnon · 16/08/2023 12:30

I’ve always thought men doing skin to skin is odd (and unnecessary) but this guy is a walking red flag. Deeply, deeply creepy.

Please think twice before posting this kind of ignorant comment.

The priority during the 'golden hour' will always be for mother and baby to have skin-to-skin but there are times when this is impossible. In these cases the priority is for baby to have the benefit of skin-to-skin and the non-birthing parent will step in, which in the vast majority of cases means a man. It is not creepy and it is entirely necessary for the baby's wellbeing. When this happens it is almost always because the mother has had a deeply traumatic birth experience (e.g. crash caesarean, PPH etc) and part of the difficulty of processing this trauma is dealing with the guilt of missing out on your baby's first precious moments. Comments like yours are factually incorrect and really upsetting.

Apologies for the derail, OP.

Twiglets1 · 16/08/2023 13:16

DaggerIsle · 16/08/2023 12:42

This is peak RTFT. Surely you only read the title, not even the first post?

Show quote history

If I only read the title how would I know it has been a long time? Did you even read my whole one line or only the first 3 words?

Blueink · 16/08/2023 13:17

Awful especially the 2nd time. Your PFB may not have latched any more easily and could still have taken time to establish feeding as mine did. I think this is over hyped but his behaviour was very selfish.

Stef8 · 16/08/2023 13:20

Highdaysandholidays1 · 16/08/2023 13:00

There are two things that bother me about this.

One is that your husband has created a world which no-one else shares that says that skin-to-skin contact is THE defining experience that determines how close you are to a child. That's rubbish, I bet none of his friends believe this, I don't believe it and most women don't believe it, even if they see the benefit of skin-to-skin contact (I didn't have any but all was fine). There's a huge difference in thinking it's nice to do skin-to-skin contact, and using it later in life to define how you relate to your children and to essentially downgrade one of them. I know no-one who believes this or does this,

The second is he's asking your dd to keep secrets. What's all this stop talking and we'll start again when mum has gone? That's secret talking. That's absolutely not ok, children should not be having private/secret conversations with dad which mum is not privy to and is held at arms length,

This is all so odd, I think people trying to relate it to their own first moments after birth are barking up the wrong tree, it's absolutely not about that, it's about his need to create and control an alternative and potentially isolated world for your eldest child, which could end up being dangerous for her (as well as emotionally awful for the rest of you). Don't go along with it, it's madness.

This is true OP. What decent parent in their right mind would encourage these conversations?

We always say to our kids that they shouldn’t have secrets from us, least of all shared with other adults, regardless of whether they’re a relative or not. Not implying anything darker about your husband here but surely good parenting is to eradicate such notions of conversations that are only between two people, especially when one is an adult?

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 16/08/2023 13:20

JusthereforXmas · 16/08/2023 11:21

I was busy nearly dying when my first was born, they saved my life but I was unconscious for about 6 hours.

It took 4 hours to sew the many tears I suffered with my second as I blacked in and out from exhaustion all throughout. He was delivered to my chest for a minute but by the time I was fully alert again over 4 hours later he had been rushed to NICU and I couldn't hold him for days.

My third was hypothermic and had to be in a special heat chamber for her first day of life, no holding her at all either.

I carried them for 9 months alone, my Dh can have an hours cuddle while I'm physically recovering. Why on earth would I deny either of them that especially when Im hardly in the best state to do it.

When my second was born on my chest and I could feel myself drifting out of it I literally said to DH 'grab him' and he said 'You did the last 9 months, I'll take it from here' and frankly its a godsend to be able to relax knowing baby is safe with dad.

You need to read op's updates @JusthereforXmas

3luckystars · 16/08/2023 13:24

I just think it’s awful that he thinks this is so important, but wanted to steal it from you.

He is an absolute creep!

Izzy54321 · 16/08/2023 13:24

@MonsterCalling have you read all the OP posts?? There is definitely something wrong with the way this man parents. He is creepy no parent should be encouraging their child to keep secrets from the other parent and having 1 to 1 time exclusively without including the other child. It is not wrong to call this behaviour out.

Dwrcegin · 16/08/2023 13:24

stopping conversations/playing when I walk into a room and saying "we will wait for mummy to leave before we continue talking/playing"........Ideally he would prefer all activities with just him and one of the children.

That set alarm bells off for me OP. The skin on skin comment is weird but this is bizarre. You need to speak to someone.

MonsterCalling · 16/08/2023 13:26

Izzy54321 · 16/08/2023 13:24

@MonsterCalling have you read all the OP posts?? There is definitely something wrong with the way this man parents. He is creepy no parent should be encouraging their child to keep secrets from the other parent and having 1 to 1 time exclusively without including the other child. It is not wrong to call this behaviour out.

Yes, I've read them and responded to them. Read my post again please. I was picking up the pp on her statement that skin-to-skin with a male parent is creepy and unnecessary. They are perfectly correct in their other statements.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 16/08/2023 13:26

"For those asking how he excludes me, it's hard to verbalise, and I sound unreasonable and silly with these complaints." - from your second post ( not sure how to extract it as a quote) .

Please stop doubting yourself - would he say that to himself? Of course not. You are not in the least unreasonable or silly, as many others have pointed out.

dhilez · 16/08/2023 13:26

This is probably one of the most batshit threads I’ve ever read on mumsnet… but it’s like nectar to the typical man haters here.

You’ve been holding this grudge for 5 years… because he unbuttoned his shirt for skin to skin (which is encouraged), because he walks ahead of you and doesn’t slow down…..

I agree with some of the posters here, you should speak to a GP ASAP

Imsureitsprobablymebut · 16/08/2023 13:27

The first time is forgivable- he may have thought you’d appreciate the rest.
The second time isn’t.

I hope you put yourself first xx

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