To be annoyed my husband stole skin to skin time

[Hamiltondoesnthesitate]

I’m probably being unreasonable, and happy to be told I am. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of resentment that when our first daughter was born 5 years ago (yes, I have been known to bear a grudge!) my husband had most of the first 1hr of skin to skin time. I was a bit out of it on gas and air, but essentially I delivered our daughter and she was given to me by the midwife, I think I held her for about 5mins and then the midwives weighed/examined her. The midwife went to pass my daughter back to me but my husband intercepted and asked to hold her, he then sat away from me, unbuttoned his shirt and did skin to skin for about an hour.

I was still quite groggy from the gas and air, so didn’t really ask for her back until an hour or so, but I feel he should have at least offered to bring her to me or sat next to me, rather than sit far away in a corner with her?! I didn’t attempt to breastfeed until an hour after she was born, I struggled a bit and couldn’t get her to latch on until a few days after she was born.

These feelings were stirred up again when I had our second daughter. Before she was born, I explained to my husband that I wanted to have skin to skin immediately after the birth for 30mins and also attempt to get her to latch on in that time. I said I was happy for him to hold her in that time, but not to take her to the other side of the room for an hour like last time! Anyway I ended up having an emergency c-section. The doctor took the baby to be checked over immediately after delivery. As they were removing the placenta, I noticed my husband start to unbutton his shirt. The midwife picked up the baby and started walking towards me, my husband, shirt unbuttoned, stood in her way with outstretched arms as if to take the baby! The midwife ignored him and placed the baby on my chest, and she stayed there until they had sewn me up etc, she was even able to latch on. But I have a niggling resentment that my husband intended to disregard my wishes, and just do what he wanted!

I know I should be/am grateful for 2 healthy daughters. I just feel that my husband intentionally wants to cut me out/not include me in many ways - but it started at day 1 from each of their births.

Sorry that was long, thank you if you reached the end!

So pleased to hear this. @WinterDeWinter your post is so articulate and insightful, you have expressed everything with such a depth of understanding as to the impact on the daughters. This is such an important post.

If people CBA to read the thread before giving an opinion, could you at least read the OPs updates? There's more going on here.

I second this, I think getting professional advice is a really good idea.

He sounds like a selfish a-hole

It is more that he wants to maintain control of the situation and cannnot focus his attention on more than one person at once

Nonsense. How does he cope at work or in social situations?

Hi @Hamiltondoesnthesitate it sounds like that midwife got the measure of your DH, so before you think yourself selfish or crazy consider the fact that another person got the vibes and undertone of your DH’s intentions and made sure she handled that baby right into your arms. She knew, she just knew! What a fabulous midwife!

The thing is with this behaviour is that it is very insidious and the added complication of being very difficult to articulate and explain, but you feel it and you know it’s happening. It feels to me from what you have said that he has set out from the off the to exclude you as much as he can. I imagine you have a million and one examples of this behaviour where you have felt left out or that he was being possessive over the baby but have felt that you can’t explain it without sounding mad or possessive yourself.

This has been a very deliberate campaign from him and the very fact that he said he doesn’t feel he is a close to your DD2 because of the lack of that initial skin to skin time admits as much. It sounds like he has tried to deprive you of what might be called by some the imprinting process.

In your shoes I would be very worried about potential future parental alienation and concern for exactly what his reasons are for very deliberately creating a dynamic of excluding you.

@WinterDeWinter your post has made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and I feel slightly sick. You have articulated what I didn't have the words for.

Hamiltondoesnthesitate

Thank you all for the comments, they have helped me see things more clearly. I do not have any concern that my husband is sexually abusing my daughters. I do not believve he is excluding me for any nefarious reasons. It is more that he wants to maintain control of the situation and cannnot focus his attention on more than one person at once. My husband has 2 siblings and comes from a family in which they have a similar pattern of only being able to cope with one child at a time. So much so, that in the past 15 years, there have only been 2 occasions in which they have all met together as a family, they meet eachother frequently, but prefer to meet up separately. This is not my idea of family life at all

If it was about learned family dynamics then he would be spending time alone with your youngest as well not isolating her

How is he with his phone and computer. Do you have access to it or is he very secretive with those things as well.

Not to put too fine a point on it but whilst you say you are absolutely certain that there is no SA, could that be because your eldest just hasn’t reached the age he is interested in yet.

Yes, my response is the same. Unbelievable! What the hell was he doing? Did you challenge him afterwards?

With one of mine I had a GA for an EMCS and it was a while before I was taken from theatre, recovery and onto the ward. I was still groggy but DH tried his best to get me in a position to latch the baby on, I'd told him I wanted to put baby to the breast straight after the birth and that was the best he could do. I think the whole "bond" from skin to skin is exaggerated. I have the closest bond with that child, nothing wrong with my bond with the others but that one is the strongest.

I think it is also a bit disrespectful to mothers who can't have immediate skin to skin to make it some sort of holy grail, another thing for mothers to "fail" at and beat themselves up about.

Vaginal delivery
Vaginal delivery without pain relief
Breast feeding

All things we feel judged about and now we can add skin to skin. I'm sure there are more that could be added to the list.

I had a C section six weeks early. My daughter was removed because she was very sick, I didn’t see her until several hours later when I was able to be wheeled there post surgery. Meanwhile every grandparent and my husband had seen her first in NICU.

I’m fine with that, it was the way things were and although it wasn’t ideal she’s totally ok. She could’ve died. We have a very close relationship and her horrendous birth is a distant memory. The future is important, not just the day of their birth.

Focus on the here and now, that’s the important bit. When you nearly lose your child you realise how much isn’t important.

We were told it wasn’t allowed in theatre (planned c section) that I was allowed but not dh I didn’t feel up to it so they would only let him hold baby if she was wrapped in a towel

*He attributes this closeness to the initial skin to skin bonding they shared when she was first born.

He didnt have this opportunity with our secoond daughter, consequently he is not as close her. Whenever she misbehaves/doesn't listen, he will say she is doing X or Y to him because he was denied skin to skin when she was first born*

This is such a weird way of thinking. Is he going to hold this against dd2 for her whole life, is all her behaviour and personality going to be seen through this lens for ever? How damaging for her.

Does he blame you for stopping him having this skin to skin time with dd2 or does he direct his anger at the midwife?

We have 3 kids. Sometimes I find them overwhelming. I love getting to spend time with one at a time.

But it sounds like your husband is deliberating out to favour dd1 and exclude both you and dd2 and that's not right or healthy at all.

(And I know this is not really the main point but I would also be angry and hurt that he tried to take that special time away from you with dd2 when you has specifically asked him not to. You need to be able to rely on your partner at that time, not have him trample all over you)

Apologies / just found your updates where you say what his response was. And more importantly, what he does now. This is very very wrong. You need to challenge him and make it clear that dividing the family has to stop.

PS I’ve read your updates, being left out in your own family is shit and needs sorting.

I don’t know, I don’t think it’s AWFUL like PP.

my first child I had EMCS and felt v weak so I asked them not to put baby on my chest but to do skin to skin with DH. Held baby after 20 mins or so

second baby I had emergency c under general anaesthetic and neither of us held baby for 7 hours as she was in neo natal.
He touched her first and held her hand first while I was still in recovery

both babies took to breastfeeding easily and I bonded well with both. I don’t blame husband for wanting to be there for our babies

My exh was determined to be the favoured parent. Never did what I consider the Donkey Work. The night wakings and the illness.. When we divorced it took me years to repair the damage he did. Brainwashed the dc I had left THEM.. Told school I was dead being one example.. I haven't seen my ds since he was 16. He repeated parrot fashion his df's words endlessly. I was diagnosed with ptsd and anorexia.. You need to proceed with caution op. Make sure on paper you appear the main carer should you decide a new future..

https://mommysmemorandum.com/signs-of-grooming-behavior-to-recognize/

@Hamiltondoesnthesitate I share the concerns of many people posting on your thread and I absolutely think you are 100% reasonable and perfectly normal to feel the way you do about all of it. Trust yourself.

I’m not from the UK so I can’t recommend any services that could help you. I have heard of the Freedom Program before on Mumsnet. It might be helpful for you.

He is abusive and controlling. I hope you find the right supportive people who will help you. You and your daughters deserve better.

I am glad you posted on Mumsnet and had people responding in support of you and your children. It is a first step and I hope it strengthens you.

💐🌹🌸🌺🌈⛅️🌅🦋💖

What an arse. With my first DC I had to be knocked out to have her so my husband met her before I did. Of course it was the best thing to do but I still feel all teary just typing this that I wasn’t the first to hold her. He said that as soon as I was due to wake up the midwives brought her straight back to me.

I actually feel disgusted by his behaviour. I totally get how upsetting it must be for you. TG the MW ignored him. You need to speak with him. Doing this twice is a serious problem.

Leave him. Now.

Wrong thread to be preaching read all the ops posts first before preaching.

Oh OP, sorry you have this regret. Before children, I’d have thought differently. But as someone who needed time to be more at peace with the birth I had, I hear you and your thoughts are totally valid.

I agree that the first time could be down to pure ignorance about the importance of skin to skin and your wishes, and getting caught up in the emotions of seeing his wife give birth to his first child.

However, I’d be really sad and angry actually about the second time. My husband has experienced my own regrets after a birth, listened to me relaying events for hours and, crucially, seen first hand how my mental health was affected. Mothers need TLC for their physical and mental health post-birth. I imagine you overcommunicated your regrets to your husband too, as well as why you want skin to skin and its benefits for his child, so for your partner (of all people!) to do anything but bend over backwards for you to have that skin to skin you really felt you missed out on before - especially given you had a rough ride with an emergency Caesarean - is pretty unforgivable if you ask me. I’m really glad you had a midwife who put you first and you got to experience it second time round.

Going forward, I’d be sharing your concerns with him and trying to get to the bottom of why he would be so dismissive of your wishes when you gave birth - an experience you and your baby should be at the centre of. Sure, he needed his time with your child too but you mentioned that this was always going to be the case. Dads get their moments with things like cutting the cord, being the person to do that first video/call to relatives etc, having their own skin to skin after the first feed…

Pure selfishness. I’m sorry, OP.

Huh? It's a special time for both parents, the moment should be shared by both.