To be annoyed my husband stole skin to skin time

[Hamiltondoesnthesitate]

I’m probably being unreasonable, and happy to be told I am. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of resentment that when our first daughter was born 5 years ago (yes, I have been known to bear a grudge!) my husband had most of the first 1hr of skin to skin time. I was a bit out of it on gas and air, but essentially I delivered our daughter and she was given to me by the midwife, I think I held her for about 5mins and then the midwives weighed/examined her. The midwife went to pass my daughter back to me but my husband intercepted and asked to hold her, he then sat away from me, unbuttoned his shirt and did skin to skin for about an hour.

I was still quite groggy from the gas and air, so didn’t really ask for her back until an hour or so, but I feel he should have at least offered to bring her to me or sat next to me, rather than sit far away in a corner with her?! I didn’t attempt to breastfeed until an hour after she was born, I struggled a bit and couldn’t get her to latch on until a few days after she was born.

These feelings were stirred up again when I had our second daughter. Before she was born, I explained to my husband that I wanted to have skin to skin immediately after the birth for 30mins and also attempt to get her to latch on in that time. I said I was happy for him to hold her in that time, but not to take her to the other side of the room for an hour like last time! Anyway I ended up having an emergency c-section. The doctor took the baby to be checked over immediately after delivery. As they were removing the placenta, I noticed my husband start to unbutton his shirt. The midwife picked up the baby and started walking towards me, my husband, shirt unbuttoned, stood in her way with outstretched arms as if to take the baby! The midwife ignored him and placed the baby on my chest, and she stayed there until they had sewn me up etc, she was even able to latch on. But I have a niggling resentment that my husband intended to disregard my wishes, and just do what he wanted!

I know I should be/am grateful for 2 healthy daughters. I just feel that my husband intentionally wants to cut me out/not include me in many ways - but it started at day 1 from each of their births.

Sorry that was long, thank you if you reached the end!

Hey Janey, just to say you can have skin to skin after a section, in case you hadn’t had one before and didn’t know. Apologies if you do already know. I had an emergency one and this aspect of my otherwise horrible labour was incredible. My baby latched while I was being stitched up! The team went above and beyond to carry out my birth preferences despite the circumstances. Obviously not always possible but worth adding to your preferences if you wish to do so. Of course some may not want skin to skin in theatre. Each to their own. Good luck with everything!

I’m frightened for OP and her daughters. They need to get away from him (and supervised/no contact).

He could be excused the first birth as he was possibly overwhelmed, didn’t stop to think.

It’s outrageous that he tried to do it again after you’d specifically talked to him about it, and were lying completely helpless after an emergency csec.

It’s revolting that he blames his lack of closeness with his second daughter on being denied skin to skin when she was a brand new tiny baby, literally just birthed.

It’s incredibly wrong of him to actively try to drive a wedge between you and your eldest. “Let’s wait for mummy to leave…” is parental alienation, it’s creepy and he shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near children.

I hope you’re okay OP.

it’s actually a transgender inclusive photograph

This didn’t quote

Get a divorce and find a husband that isn’t interested in the kids, if that’s what you want. It really seems like you should be in major counselling.

I’m airbnbing my flat downstairs over the summer. New to this and to mn so go gentle. Have a family of 3 staying 11 days and we are at day 9 so obv the 8 bog rolls I left are getting used up. (What they did with that many leaves me questioning- that is one roll a day for 3 peeps). Just received a request for two more to be left for tomorrow - AIBU to think they could stretch to buy their own? Honestly I can’t think why they would bother texting a request rather than pick up a pack on the way home from a day out. They’re lovely guests and no problem otherwise just seems super strange to me I’m intrigued - do people really think that an 11 day stay means 11 bog rolls?

Er… you need to go to the “Start a thread” button in AIBu, and don’t forget to add a vote button. But YANBU, can’t believe they even asked, greedy lazy bastards!

masterblaster
Get a divorce and find a husband that isn’t interested in the kids, if that’s what you want. It really seems like you should be in major counselling

There are 2 ways that the phrase “interested in the kids” could be construed and this isn’t the mother and father co parenting as equals way.

He's not 'interested in the kids' in a healthy way that is conducive to a healthy, happy family life.

He's actively attempting alienate her and the children from one other. For you to read the below and think that OP is the one who is behaving poorly as a partner / parent is genuinely worrying...

For those asking how he excludes me, it's hard to verbalise, and I sound unreasonable and silly with these complaints. But it can be tiny things like walking very far ahead of me with our eldest, and not stopping to wait for me/our youngest when we (very rarely) go out as a family, or stopping conversations/playing when I walk into a room and saying "we will wait for mummy to leave before we continue talking/playing".

Put really simplistically, my husband's idea of family life is that either he or I spend time with the kids separately, but he does not want all 4 of us to be engaged in an activity at the same time - he finds it stressful and overwhelming. Ideally he would prefer all activities with just him and one of the children.

It’s bad but I feel there must be more to this…?

You carried the baby for nine months you're breastfeeding and you resent your husband wanting skin to skin Get a grip

I’ve known other dads who become obsessed by their firstborns and form
these slightly unhealthy bonds that can seem to exclude the mother.

One of these people is quite close to me and she had to sit her husband down and talk to him about the potential damage he was doing to his daughter and the family unit. He loved his wife and his daughter and although it took some ironing out , he did adjust his behaviours.
Speak to your husband about the potential damage he might do to both your daughters, if he can’t listen or see your point of view then I would seriously be considering your future with him. No one would exclude me in my own home

He says he isn’t close to the younger dd because he didn’t get skin to skin time when she was born is very telling.

He denied you those moments so think about what he is actually saying to you about your relationship with your eldest and he was trying to deny you that same moment with your youngest.

I would suggest he sees you as a surrogate who has birthed him 2 daughters but because he couldn’t take the 2nd one away from you immediately he isn’t interested in her as you “tainted” that moment.

I really think when eldest gets her first bf and she is no longer Daddy’s number one girl, I can’t imagine what he will do

I'm sorry to say this OP but I can only echo others that your husband sounds dangerous.

It's actually made me feel cold.

I can’t stand seeing the dads doing skin to skin, it gives me the creeps. No, you’re not being unreasonable.

@RockGirl
He's selfish, men are inherently so, though the more aware of them make an effort not to be. But deep down, men have 'ruled' over women for centuries because they are self-absorbed creatures and prioritise 'the self'.
I hate to agree with this but I think it's true

@loldollz
I used to provide psychological support sessions in my old job for a range of people. Sessions with women they would always focus on other people's feelings and needs. Men never did this, it was always about their own wants and needs

Feminists: Men and women are equal. The only behavioural differences that exist exist due to socialisation and patriarchal social structures!

Also Feminists: Men are sociopathic monsters!

THEDEACON
You carried the baby for nine months you're breastfeeding and you resent your husband wanting skin to skin Get a grip

Have you read any of the updates

This isn’t just denying her skin to skin after the birth but a history of alienating the eldest dd from her mother and younger sister

I saw your title and prejudged a likely reply of "honey in the kindest way you're overreacting, you had her for 9 months inside you, as her dad he wants that closeness that you've shared with your DC for all those months blah blah blah" then I read your post and the updates and woah was I wrong. I don't know if its sexual or emotional grooming as others have suggested, I just don't know enough about that but what I do feel strongly is that this is all kinds of wrong, it's screaming this is not ok and I would suggest you contact a professional to speak to about this, maybe it's innocent maybe it's not, I can't judge that from a few lines on an anonymous forum but I honestly think you know yourself it feels off and it warrants a serious conversation with someone outside of the family whose job it is to know about these things, you just can't take a chance that it is innocent because if you're wrong and you ignore it the consequences for both of your children are catastrophic and yes I'm using intentionally inflammatory language because it's just screaming wrong to me

Ok so initially I was going to write that anyone can give skin to skin….

THEN I realised it was skin to skin in the golden hour!

THEN I realised that he was going to deliberately intercept DC2

id be fuming… I think if you have any more kids you need to write it into your birth plan and say to anyone in a 5 mile radius of the hospital that you want to feed as soon as baby is born

you are not being unreasonable, your partner is a butthead

I think the first time could be forgiven as he didn’t know your wishes and maybe thought he was giving you time to recover. The second time though was wrong, he knew how important it was for you. However, why should we always get the say, they are as much a parent as we are I guess. its a tough one.

I completely agree. I would have been so upset if my husband had done that to me. You have every right to be hurt and furious. It’s clear he planned to disregard your wishes the second time around too. Listen to your gut with this man. His behaviour is appalling.

Why didnt you confront him as soon as you were awake and sitting up! The sheer bloody cheek!

The image of him ripping his shirt open and holding his arms out as the excellent second midwife dodges his attempted tackle for the second baby wouldn’t be out of place in a comedy show, although I appreciate this is not a funny situation.

This isn’t OK. He’s trying to deliberately cause a rift between you and the eldest child. I’d see a therapist and also do some research on narcissistic personality disorder. He sounds like a complete narcissist