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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed my husband stole skin to skin time

552 replies

Hamiltondoesnthesitate · 16/08/2023 09:15

I’m probably being unreasonable, and happy to be told I am. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of resentment that when our first daughter was born 5 years ago (yes, I have been known to bear a grudge!) my husband had most of the first 1hr of skin to skin time. I was a bit out of it on gas and air, but essentially I delivered our daughter and she was given to me by the midwife, I think I held her for about 5mins and then the midwives weighed/examined her. The midwife went to pass my daughter back to me but my husband intercepted and asked to hold her, he then sat away from me, unbuttoned his shirt and did skin to skin for about an hour.

I was still quite groggy from the gas and air, so didn’t really ask for her back until an hour or so, but I feel he should have at least offered to bring her to me or sat next to me, rather than sit far away in a corner with her?! I didn’t attempt to breastfeed until an hour after she was born, I struggled a bit and couldn’t get her to latch on until a few days after she was born.

These feelings were stirred up again when I had our second daughter. Before she was born, I explained to my husband that I wanted to have skin to skin immediately after the birth for 30mins and also attempt to get her to latch on in that time. I said I was happy for him to hold her in that time, but not to take her to the other side of the room for an hour like last time! Anyway I ended up having an emergency c-section. The doctor took the baby to be checked over immediately after delivery. As they were removing the placenta, I noticed my husband start to unbutton his shirt. The midwife picked up the baby and started walking towards me, my husband, shirt unbuttoned, stood in her way with outstretched arms as if to take the baby! The midwife ignored him and placed the baby on my chest, and she stayed there until they had sewn me up etc, she was even able to latch on. But I have a niggling resentment that my husband intended to disregard my wishes, and just do what he wanted!

I know I should be/am grateful for 2 healthy daughters. I just feel that my husband intentionally wants to cut me out/not include me in many ways - but it started at day 1 from each of their births.

Sorry that was long, thank you if you reached the end!

OP posts:
Libelula21 · 16/08/2023 22:29

I’m now feeling a little guilty I didn’t fret more about this at the time!

I was completely out of it, mainly relieved to have survived childbirth, in a state of incredulity that I was now a mother, and vaguely pleased to see my DP look so awed and happy while he did skin to skin.

I lost so much blood that I didn’t hold my baby properly for about 12 hours or so, I think.

Catsmere · 16/08/2023 22:56

MonsterCalling · 16/08/2023 13:14

Please think twice before posting this kind of ignorant comment.

The priority during the 'golden hour' will always be for mother and baby to have skin-to-skin but there are times when this is impossible. In these cases the priority is for baby to have the benefit of skin-to-skin and the non-birthing parent will step in, which in the vast majority of cases means a man. It is not creepy and it is entirely necessary for the baby's wellbeing. When this happens it is almost always because the mother has had a deeply traumatic birth experience (e.g. crash caesarean, PPH etc) and part of the difficulty of processing this trauma is dealing with the guilt of missing out on your baby's first precious moments. Comments like yours are factually incorrect and really upsetting.

Apologies for the derail, OP.

Show quote history

How about reading the full thread and more importantly OP's updates before telling others off? This man is a walking bundle of red flags.

Catsmere · 16/08/2023 22:57

dhilez · 16/08/2023 13:26

This is probably one of the most batshit threads I’ve ever read on mumsnet… but it’s like nectar to the typical man haters here.

You’ve been holding this grudge for 5 years… because he unbuttoned his shirt for skin to skin (which is encouraged), because he walks ahead of you and doesn’t slow down…..

I agree with some of the posters here, you should speak to a GP ASAP

Read OP's updates, this is nothing about "holding a grudge" or "man hating".

Catsmere · 16/08/2023 23:01

TheoTheopolis23 · 16/08/2023 13:47

Skin to skin is supposed to be in part about establishing breast feeding (or giving it the best chance of being established). Also babies respond to their mothers voice and smell.

So he's either monumentally stupid, or happy to override that important bonding and natural process too. To the detriment of you and your baby.

Or even worse, one of those men who fetishises breastfeeding.

Whiskeypowers · 16/08/2023 23:19

Catsmere · 16/08/2023 22:57

Read OP's updates, this is nothing about "holding a grudge" or "man hating".

Show quote history

Wouldn’t waste your energy pointing out anything to someone who wrote that bollocks to be honest

Catsmere · 16/08/2023 23:22

Whiskeypowers · 16/08/2023 23:19

Wouldn’t waste your energy pointing out anything to someone who wrote that bollocks to be honest

Show quote history

Good point!

CarpetSlipper · 16/08/2023 23:23

His behaviour is not normal nor is his fixation with skin to skin contact. Your daughter is at risk, especially as she gets older and he is already emotionally abusing her.
I think you know this and that’s why you’ve held a “grudge”. Yanbu.

Yesabsolutely · 16/08/2023 23:28

I was just so relieved that my babies were safe and well that I cannot remember or cared about who had the first contact .
My granddaughter was born 3years ago and I was my daughter’s birth partner. Cannot remember any discussion about skin to skin . Think daughter held her for a while and I then held her whilst daughter had stitches etc …it really wasn’t a big deal 🤷‍♀️

Yesabsolutely · 16/08/2023 23:32

Yesabsolutely · 16/08/2023 23:28

I was just so relieved that my babies were safe and well that I cannot remember or cared about who had the first contact .
My granddaughter was born 3years ago and I was my daughter’s birth partner. Cannot remember any discussion about skin to skin . Think daughter held her for a while and I then held her whilst daughter had stitches etc …it really wasn’t a big deal 🤷‍♀️

Haven’t read full thread ,so sorry if I missed any other details.

sodthesodoff · 16/08/2023 23:32

Yesabsolutely · 16/08/2023 23:28

I was just so relieved that my babies were safe and well that I cannot remember or cared about who had the first contact .
My granddaughter was born 3years ago and I was my daughter’s birth partner. Cannot remember any discussion about skin to skin . Think daughter held her for a while and I then held her whilst daughter had stitches etc …it really wasn’t a big deal 🤷‍♀️

Jesus Christ. Read the full thread why don't you

Thatcat · 16/08/2023 23:32

Hibiscrubbed · 16/08/2023 20:48

That post is a very powerful one.

Your husband is not right. Not right at all.

Show quote history

Yes, it was so spot on. Completely agree, very powerful.

determinedtomakethiswork · 16/08/2023 23:39

That is a brilliant post @WinterDeWinter.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 00:10

napody · 16/08/2023 09:34

The story about your first daughter I could imagine him just being a bit overwhelmed and not thinking to offer her back to you/thought you needed recovery time/didn't understand the connection to successful breastfeeding.
The second birth: my mouth fell open reading it. What a knob. Well done to that midwife 👏

I know me too!

Did you confront him op?

ohsuzannah · 17/08/2023 02:21

This is shocking. I don't blame you for being upset, OP.

hygieneversusplanet · 17/08/2023 08:54

If you are still reading this thread OP, I hope you're okay. You've got a lot to think about and some hard decisions to make. Wishing you the best X

BibbityBobbety · 17/08/2023 09:14

@WinterDeWinter very well written.

OP, it gave me the creeps that your your H has weaponised something as beautiful and daddy-baby skin time into a form of ownership and control. And the fact he is trying to drive a wedge between you and your eldest daughter is messed up. I doubt it's because he can only focus on one child at a time (and I also doubt this was the problem with his family). It's about divide and conquer which is control. United he has no control over you all - and that's why he is angry at your youngest for escaping it.

My DP's mum has done this - encouraged a rift between all the siblings since childhood so she was always the one in control. I would seriously consider leaving because he's creating a toxic bond with your daughters that will affect their self esteem and how they interact with men. They'll be vulnerable to abusive men because they're growing up in a household where the mother is not respected or valued. You're being treated like a breeder, not the mother.

Ugh, this creepy creepy man is the reason you still hold a grudge. Your mind won't let you forget because it's not about skin to skin time, it's about feeling like he's not on your team and doesn't have your back. And is actively trying to diminish your role.

Pebbledashery · 17/08/2023 09:55

I went to bed thinking about this thread last night and wanted to just give you a hug OP. Your original post and subsequent comments have been really heart breaking. I hope you find the strength to realise this is really insidious emotional abuse that will eventually become parental alienation as a previous poster referred to.
Your babies need you in the picture fully.
Whatever you choose to do, good luck. xx

Pasithean · 17/08/2023 12:25

Why can’t he hold and be
introduced to his child after birth. He has no input or relationship with the child until ot is born unlike the mother.

SunRainStorm · 17/08/2023 12:27

Pasithean · 17/08/2023 12:25

Why can’t he hold and be
introduced to his child after birth. He has no input or relationship with the child until ot is born unlike the mother.

Read the thread!

No one begrudged him holding the child. It was taking the skin to skin time away from the mother. And then trying to do it again. And then bringing it up YEARS later as though a parent can't bond to a child without it.

Flyinggeesei234 · 17/08/2023 12:38

Yesabsolutely · 16/08/2023 23:28

I was just so relieved that my babies were safe and well that I cannot remember or cared about who had the first contact .
My granddaughter was born 3years ago and I was my daughter’s birth partner. Cannot remember any discussion about skin to skin . Think daughter held her for a while and I then held her whilst daughter had stitches etc …it really wasn’t a big deal 🤷‍♀️

Talk about missing the point. This is not about you.

sodthesodoff · 17/08/2023 12:39

Pasithean · 17/08/2023 12:25

Why can’t he hold and be
introduced to his child after birth. He has no input or relationship with the child until ot is born unlike the mother.

Why can't he tacitly groom his own daughter?

Don't tell me. You've not read the whole fucking thread.

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 17/08/2023 12:59

Sorry OP something sounds off. I wouldn't be happy with this.

RedRobyn2021 · 17/08/2023 13:15

I would feel the same.

Did you get to breastfeeding your first baby? The way your post reads it sounds like his selfish interference caused issues with that.

Grapewrath · 17/08/2023 13:19

Get your affairs on order, get your kids and get the fuck away from him. He sounds awful.