To be annoyed my husband stole skin to skin time

[Hamiltondoesnthesitate]

I’m probably being unreasonable, and happy to be told I am. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of resentment that when our first daughter was born 5 years ago (yes, I have been known to bear a grudge!) my husband had most of the first 1hr of skin to skin time. I was a bit out of it on gas and air, but essentially I delivered our daughter and she was given to me by the midwife, I think I held her for about 5mins and then the midwives weighed/examined her. The midwife went to pass my daughter back to me but my husband intercepted and asked to hold her, he then sat away from me, unbuttoned his shirt and did skin to skin for about an hour.

I was still quite groggy from the gas and air, so didn’t really ask for her back until an hour or so, but I feel he should have at least offered to bring her to me or sat next to me, rather than sit far away in a corner with her?! I didn’t attempt to breastfeed until an hour after she was born, I struggled a bit and couldn’t get her to latch on until a few days after she was born.

These feelings were stirred up again when I had our second daughter. Before she was born, I explained to my husband that I wanted to have skin to skin immediately after the birth for 30mins and also attempt to get her to latch on in that time. I said I was happy for him to hold her in that time, but not to take her to the other side of the room for an hour like last time! Anyway I ended up having an emergency c-section. The doctor took the baby to be checked over immediately after delivery. As they were removing the placenta, I noticed my husband start to unbutton his shirt. The midwife picked up the baby and started walking towards me, my husband, shirt unbuttoned, stood in her way with outstretched arms as if to take the baby! The midwife ignored him and placed the baby on my chest, and she stayed there until they had sewn me up etc, she was even able to latch on. But I have a niggling resentment that my husband intended to disregard my wishes, and just do what he wanted!

I know I should be/am grateful for 2 healthy daughters. I just feel that my husband intentionally wants to cut me out/not include me in many ways - but it started at day 1 from each of their births.

Sorry that was long, thank you if you reached the end!

Honestly I find the whole dad skin to skin thing really weird. It knocks me a bit sick. I can see why the mother does it, but i really don’t understand why a bloke feels the need to do it.

I give up.

Give up then.

It gives me the ick too.

OP, you have a lot to think about. None of this can be easy reading. But what you are living isn't healthy.

When I had my first DS the midwife handed him to DH before me! 🤨 There was no medical emergency with me that necessitated that, and I thought that was a bit 'off', tbh.

Off you trot then.

Why are other people not allowed to have an opinion. Is your the only opinion allowed to be shared?
I stated my feelings on it just the same as you have shared yours. Unlike you, I am mature enough to accept other peoples opinions without feeling the need to comment on them. I suggest you work on it.

I see it a way of consoling a certain subset of fragile male who would subtly (or sometimes not so subtly) sulk in the delivery room because he’s getting ignored in favour of his partner and baby. And so encouraging men to get shirtless and have photos of themselves having skin to skin with minutes-old babies became a thing. Making them feel like they’re important and playing a crucial role (as opposed to the other important and crucial roles they could be doing to support the woman and baby).

The difference is that my feelings are based on evidence and understanding of how a newborn’s needs are best met in the event that the mother can’t achieve skin-to-skin, rather than your super-mature ick.

Could you share that evidence?

Your first birth experience happened to me too. I am convinced that it wasn't on purpose. DP needed to hold DS so that I could have stitches on gas and air, and before hand I made him promise that he would do skin to skin with baby if I couldn't for any reason. Afterwards I felt high and he was most likely overwhelmed, so that we didn't put DS back on me for quite some time. I deeply regret this, and it was years ago for me as well. I really wish that I had thought to tell DP to sit right next to me with DS. When DS was handed back he felt like a totally different baby to the one I'd first been handed, and it took me ages to bond. Like you, if I ever had another I would be prepared from the start to have Baby straight back on me, and near me.

Your story about the second birth is awful. That midwife deserves a round of applause, well done to her.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with your husband. Stopping playing when you walk in isn't acceptable. Tell him you want to start modelling good behaviour to your daughters, repeating things like "we're a family we don't exclude anyone" or "of course mummy can play too" and so on.

Yeah right

Wow. The first I can see how he might not have realised (with our first my DH held Ds1 for the first hour after I had 5 minutes as the drugs I had had left me feeling out of it and very nauseous and I basically passed out from it all). But with our second, he came so quickly, I didn't have time for any drugs and dh was given him when he first came out so I could get myself on a bed (I literally had given birth standing up 10 minutes after I arrived at the hospital), then DH gave me ds2 and I held him for the first 90 odd minutes with DH next to us, also managed to establish breastfeeding too.

I'm sorry your DH went to take dd2 from you too, that is the point your DH turned into a right selfish prick as you told him your wishes and he ignored them. Good on that midwife giving baby to you

All those poor babies who were deprived of skin to skin. You can see them now as adults. Walking around all cold, not breathing properly.

what a load of nonsense. More and more you see pics on social media of some shirtless bloke gurning away holding a newborn and it just stinks of “if she gets it then I’m getting it too”

Care to share that evidence then, because you might be surprised to discover that can find evidence to support all sorts of weird and wonderful stuff if you Google hard enough.

Babies coped and developed absolutely fine in the days before ‘skin to skin’ became a thing.
Food, safety, attachment and warmth. They don’t need to feel the skin of a parent to get this.
I completely see why mum would do this, bonding with her baby in preparation for breast feeding perhaps, but dad absolutely does not need to be whipping his shirt off for any need other than his own desire for closeness to the child.

Agreed I think maybe monster calling should step away from this thread because lecturing others has zero to do with helping OP and is derailing the thread

The people debating the skin to skin thing - I agree that the DH is wrong to try and get in the way of mum's time with newborn. The baby knows her heartbeat and will be trying to breastfeed. But if mum can't surely it is nicer to be held close to another loving body, where they can hear the heartbeat and have skin instead of fabric on their lovely new skin.

I’m going to post this research paper and then step away. It contains detailed, fully-referenced explanations of the evidence behind ‘golden hour’ skin to skin and the specific guidance that “If a mother is temporarily unable to participate in the Golden Hour because of a medical condition, the protocol should include the option of placing the newborn skin to skin on the father or partner’s abdomen until the mother can take the newborn to continue with early breastfeeding and skin-to-skin contact.”

https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Sharon-Holley-2/publication/321701874_Providing_Evidence-Based_Care_During_the_Golden_Hour/links/5a8e1d51458515eb85ac874e/Providing-Evidence-Based-Care-During-the-Golden-Hour.pdf?origin=publication_detail

@Hamiltondoesnthesitate I apologise for derailing your thread and I hope you get support to deal with this horrible situation soon.

That post is a very powerful one.

Your husband is not right. Not right at all.

Does it give you the ick when a bottle feeding mum does it?
Or when it's not sone at the same time as feeding?

I'm not denying that the father here was awful and there are lots of red flags, but I can't believe some people think it's creepy when dad's do skin to skin contact.

Newsflash: most of the time there very little 'skin to skin' contract during breastfeeding. Baby's face and boob and that's about it.

You're stepping away because you know the paper provides no evidence for your position. All the evidence it draws on involves studies on skin to skin with the mother.

I'm so sorry you feel like that. You didn't reject them, you needed medical attention. You carried them for 9 months, you went through a traumatic time to deliver them by the sounds of it. I'm sure you have two lovely children and I bet they love their mum and someone who loves them had that skin to skin so they were loved and cared for.

Eh?

Where on earth has the ick and bottle feeding been mentioned anywhere on this thread?

I really do tire of posts relating to birth that end up with loads of people piling on, thinking it their right to share their own shit and make it about themselves.

@Mysleepisbroken NEWSFLASH: Nobody mentioned bottle feeding.

he will say she is doing X or Y to him because he was denied skin to skin when she was first born, so he's not as close to her now

This is horrible. Like, alarm bells clanging all over the place and he'd have breastfed to push you out if he could. It's disturbing reading.

There's been a LOT of comments about the point of skin to skin contact being for breastfeeding...

Just a small note on skin to skin as some people are maybe taking it that it is out there inappropriate behaviour from the op's husband. When I gave birth to my first, the medical staff in the operating theatre encouraged my DH to hold our newborn to his chest while I was being sorted. DH had never heard of skin to skin. He was game and it was a nice thing to do. I think he had scrubs on so no real memory of how it was achieved!

BUT in the op's husband's case this is just one of the ways he is trying step between her and her DC and weaken/ undermine/ sever their relationship.

My ex husband did this. My baby is now 30 and has children of her own.
I still resent him for it.
It felt like having a wonderful present and somebody else opening and trying it first.