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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed my husband stole skin to skin time

552 replies

Hamiltondoesnthesitate · 16/08/2023 09:15

I’m probably being unreasonable, and happy to be told I am. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of resentment that when our first daughter was born 5 years ago (yes, I have been known to bear a grudge!) my husband had most of the first 1hr of skin to skin time. I was a bit out of it on gas and air, but essentially I delivered our daughter and she was given to me by the midwife, I think I held her for about 5mins and then the midwives weighed/examined her. The midwife went to pass my daughter back to me but my husband intercepted and asked to hold her, he then sat away from me, unbuttoned his shirt and did skin to skin for about an hour.

I was still quite groggy from the gas and air, so didn’t really ask for her back until an hour or so, but I feel he should have at least offered to bring her to me or sat next to me, rather than sit far away in a corner with her?! I didn’t attempt to breastfeed until an hour after she was born, I struggled a bit and couldn’t get her to latch on until a few days after she was born.

These feelings were stirred up again when I had our second daughter. Before she was born, I explained to my husband that I wanted to have skin to skin immediately after the birth for 30mins and also attempt to get her to latch on in that time. I said I was happy for him to hold her in that time, but not to take her to the other side of the room for an hour like last time! Anyway I ended up having an emergency c-section. The doctor took the baby to be checked over immediately after delivery. As they were removing the placenta, I noticed my husband start to unbutton his shirt. The midwife picked up the baby and started walking towards me, my husband, shirt unbuttoned, stood in her way with outstretched arms as if to take the baby! The midwife ignored him and placed the baby on my chest, and she stayed there until they had sewn me up etc, she was even able to latch on. But I have a niggling resentment that my husband intended to disregard my wishes, and just do what he wanted!

I know I should be/am grateful for 2 healthy daughters. I just feel that my husband intentionally wants to cut me out/not include me in many ways - but it started at day 1 from each of their births.

Sorry that was long, thank you if you reached the end!

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 16/08/2023 16:32

*psychological

crostini · 16/08/2023 16:33

That actually makes me so angry reading it.

But also it's gross, like he thinks he's the mum. I don't know why exactly but it makes me feel quite sick. I don't think I could stay with him OP, I understand.

TheoTheopolis23 · 16/08/2023 16:38

I'd you do divorce I'd also be exploring if there's some way to get a psychological assessment of him to ensure only supervised contact

This.

You need serious help here.

This man is not mentally well.

TheoTheopolis23 · 16/08/2023 16:40

crostini · 16/08/2023 16:33

That actually makes me so angry reading it.

But also it's gross, like he thinks he's the mum. I don't know why exactly but it makes me feel quite sick. I don't think I could stay with him OP, I understand.

I feel more like he thinks his offspring are/should be his possessions or extensions of him.

As above, the wife & mother be ones the vessel, the incubator .... And then the sidelined, silly, inferior domestic drudge or something along those lines.

Hummingbird89 · 16/08/2023 16:46

I read about the first birth, and thought “ok. Selfish and thoughtless, but he was probably excited and overwhelmed” the second one is disgusting. The updates are actually really concerning.
YANBU OP.

WeetabixTowels · 16/08/2023 16:49

OP that would also really upset me.

Women are so often treated like vessels in childbirth, and when the vessel has done its job it gets cast aside. Awful for your actual husband to treat you like this

WeetabixTowels · 16/08/2023 16:56

Ok I’ve just read all your posts OP and honestly they’ve chilled me to the bone. That man is evil - honestly, he is a nasty vile piece of shit who is blaming you for not being close to his DD and creating a gap between you and the eldest.

Get out now. If you get out when they’re older he will have too much of a bond to manipulate your eldest and turn her against you. Get out when she is still so reliant on you

WisherWood · 16/08/2023 17:03

Have a look at some of the information on parental alienation OP. It is a controversial idea but you might find it useful nonetheless.

Anonymouslyposting · 16/08/2023 17:13

My DH had most of the “golden hour” skin to skin time with both of our DC. However, that was because I was busy having haemorrhages/being sick/trying not to pass out. Even though I know it’s irrational and there was a good reason I still feel so guilty and sad that I wasn’t there for them in their first moments and that the first thing they got from me was rejection. I am getting weepy thinking about it now.

If my husband had deliberately taken that time from me and my babies I’m not sure I could forgive him. Perhaps for the first time when he may not have realised how important it was but if I’d explained how I felt and he’d tried to do it again I would be absolutely furious.

AnneAnon · 16/08/2023 17:21

Anonymouslyposting · 16/08/2023 17:13

My DH had most of the “golden hour” skin to skin time with both of our DC. However, that was because I was busy having haemorrhages/being sick/trying not to pass out. Even though I know it’s irrational and there was a good reason I still feel so guilty and sad that I wasn’t there for them in their first moments and that the first thing they got from me was rejection. I am getting weepy thinking about it now.

If my husband had deliberately taken that time from me and my babies I’m not sure I could forgive him. Perhaps for the first time when he may not have realised how important it was but if I’d explained how I felt and he’d tried to do it again I would be absolutely furious.

God why do we do this to ourselves?! I bet your babies are just absolutely fine and happy and completely unaware of this.

Serendipitoushedgehog · 16/08/2023 17:28

Your husband’s behaviour is at the very least emotionally inappropriate. You need, as a minimum, family counselling. The dynamics are all wrong and he will continue to get away with it unless you demand family counselling as an ultimatum. Write a list of as many examples as you can think of. He will gaslight you. You need to be as factual and unemotional as possible.

resilienceabloodygain · 16/08/2023 17:36

I’m super impressed by your midwife n the second birth. She had the measure of him.

That image of him standing g there, shirt unbuttoned, trying to intercept her from going to you, is just awful.

Bikeriderandloveit · 16/08/2023 17:38

Missing immediate 'skin to skin' with you will not have harmed your baby at all, it is a bit of a fad, BUT it was important to you and your husband was a selfish nasty git the second time, when he knew how you felt.

Cakeandcardio · 16/08/2023 17:42

Skin to skin has fuck all to do with men. Women do it because our babies know our smell, they can smell our milk and they know our voice. I'm not saying it's not nice for dad's to do it to bond but men who are overly invested in this are quite strange imo. The baby's needs should be prioritised.

Cakeandcardio · 16/08/2023 17:44

Have just read your update. He sounds jealous. And a bit controlling/ narcissistic.

I stand by my previous point. Very creepy with the skin to skin.

Americano75 · 16/08/2023 17:59

"I noticed my husband start to unbutton his shirt."

This sentence has been giving me the rage all day, what an out and out prick.

MonsterCalling · 16/08/2023 18:03

Cakeandcardio · 16/08/2023 17:42

Skin to skin has fuck all to do with men. Women do it because our babies know our smell, they can smell our milk and they know our voice. I'm not saying it's not nice for dad's to do it to bond but men who are overly invested in this are quite strange imo. The baby's needs should be prioritised.

It has everything to do with a man if the non-birthing parent is male and the mother cannot do skin-to-skin because she is busy trying not to die from a PPH or similar. Giving the baby to the father for skin-to-skin in these cases is prioritising the baby’s needs.

I completely agree that OP’s DH’s motivations are suspect but I cannot believe the number of posters on this thread who have posted such ignorant nonsense about skin-to-skin in their attempts to support the OP.

ilovesushi · 16/08/2023 18:20

@Lachimolala so glad they picked up on his abuse at the hospital. Hope you are going okay now.

Lourdes12 · 16/08/2023 18:29

My DH did skin to skin the first hour after birth because I had to go straight into surgery. We had so many problems with breastfeeding/latching on. With my second child I had skin to skin stray away after birth and she latch on immediately and fed

BreatheAndFocus · 16/08/2023 18:38

I don’t know if it’s more creepy or more worrying in that he’s actively trying to detach you from the children. He’s literally interposing himself between you and your baby - so cruel to both of you. It makes me so angry!

It sounds like he’s either planning to leave you in a few years and hope the children (or at least the elder one) want to go with him, or he’s trying to alienate them from you while keeping you as a convenient domestic drudge. The other possibility is that he’s a jealous, misogynistic narcissist.

Don’t mention the skin to skin to him, but if he says “We’ll wait till Mummy’s gone”, I’d purposely stay and make light of it. Don’t let on how worried/upset you are. Pretend to be cheery but try to stop his horrible behaviour. You might have to be sly to do it, but you need to push back, eg have a pack of stickers, sweets or whatever to give out during a walk so that your elder DD stays with you. Don’t let his awful alienating actions become the norm.

While you’re doing that, seek outside support and think very hard about how you could leave him. Don’t underestimate him. He sounds like a narcissist to me. Be very careful and watch out for his games. Don’t share your feelings - he’ll see it as you telling him your weaknesses, and use them to find new ways to get at you. Keep calm and cheery while plotting your escape.

Libelula21 · 16/08/2023 18:43

I do agree with the general tenor of most of the posts here, but I also think there’s a danger of going overboard on the basis of the limited, one-sided and subjective information we’ve been given.

I’m not saying that to undermine OP, but to stress it’s her life, her choice, and we don’t know the whole of it.

I’d find some of these responses devastating if I were the OP.

Jeschara · 16/08/2023 18:55

Booklover40 · 16/08/2023 15:28

The midwife went to pass my daughter back to me but my husband intercepted and asked to hold her, he then sat away from me, unbuttoned his shirt and did skin to skin for about an hour.

Yuck. That made my skin crawl.

And mine. Yuk

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 16/08/2023 18:58

Duck this is awful

Nanny0gg · 16/08/2023 19:10

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Dillydallydoe · 16/08/2023 19:23

This is so disturbing. Your updates are very concerning!

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