Page 11 | To be annoyed my husband stole skin to skin time

Hamiltondoesnthesitate · 2023-08-16T08:15:14+00:00

I’m probably being unreasonable, and happy to be told I am. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of resentment that when our first daughter was born 5 years ago (yes, I have been known to bear a grudge!) my husband had most of the first 1hr of skin to skin time. I was a bit out of it on gas and air, but essentially I delivered our daughter and she was given to me by the midwife, I think I held her for about 5mins and then the midwives weighed/examined her. The midwife went to pass my daughter back to me but my husband intercepted and asked to hold her, he then sat away from me, unbuttoned his shirt and did skin to skin for about an hour. I was still quite groggy from the gas and air, so didn’t really ask for her back until an hour or so, but I feel he should have at least offered to bring her to me or sat next to me, rather than sit far away in a corner with her?! I didn’t attempt to breastfeed until an hour after she was born, I struggled a bit and couldn’t get her to latch on until a few days after she was born. These feelings were stirred up again when I had our second daughter. Before she was born, I explained to my husband that I wanted to have skin to skin immediately after the birth for 30mins and also attempt to get her to latch on in that time. I said I was happy for him to hold her in that time, but not to take her to the other side of the room for an hour like last time! Anyway I ended up having an emergency c-section. The doctor took the baby to be checked over immediately after delivery. As they were removing the placenta, I noticed my husband start to unbutton his shirt. The midwife picked up the baby and started walking towards me, my husband, shirt unbuttoned, stood in her way with outstretched arms as if to take the baby! The midwife ignored him and placed the baby on my chest, and she stayed there until they had sewn me up etc, she was even able to latch on. But I have a niggling resentment that my husband intended to disregard my wishes, and just do what he wanted! I know I should be/am grateful for 2 healthy daughters. I just feel that my husband intentionally wants to cut me out/not include me in many ways - but it started at day 1 from each of their births. Sorry that was long, thank you if you reached the end!

YetAnotherSpartacus · 16/08/2023 13:28

Areshole.

caringcarer · 16/08/2023 13:31

emizay · 16/08/2023 09:30

This actually disgusts me, another way men try to steal and take over a woman's special moments.

The entitlement.

I thought so too. Shocking entitlement. Glad the Midwife brought DD2 to you.

KarmaStar · 16/08/2023 13:35

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Canisaysomething · 16/08/2023 13:35

To disrespect your wishes at your most vulnerable time is deeply disturbing.

Lachimolala · 16/08/2023 13:37

I could’ve written this myself, the first part that is. Even down to the taking my daughter away from me turning his back on me and leaving me in the bed begging for her.

The stupid prick was sat there recording videos of him singing to her whilst I cried and kept asking to hold her. He only gave her back when the HCA came into the room and immediately took charge. Took her back for me then sat with me for such a long time even though she was so busy.

In hindsight I think she clocked his abusive nonsense, because we weren’t left alone after that and he was encouraged to go home and they admitted me overnight despite me not needing any further care.

I think not being able to have that golden hour of skin to skin really negatively impacted our bond. I did struggle to bond with her and had a real battle with post natal depression in the end.

MonsterCalling · 16/08/2023 13:38

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readherupdatesreadherupdatesreadherupdatesreadherupdates

Pebbledashery · 16/08/2023 13:39

OP I find your husband DEEPLY disturbing and creepy. It's so insidious.

hygieneversustheplanet · 16/08/2023 13:40

Lachimolala · 16/08/2023 13:37

I could’ve written this myself, the first part that is. Even down to the taking my daughter away from me turning his back on me and leaving me in the bed begging for her.

The stupid prick was sat there recording videos of him singing to her whilst I cried and kept asking to hold her. He only gave her back when the HCA came into the room and immediately took charge. Took her back for me then sat with me for such a long time even though she was so busy.

In hindsight I think she clocked his abusive nonsense, because we weren’t left alone after that and he was encouraged to go home and they admitted me overnight despite me not needing any further care.

I think not being able to have that golden hour of skin to skin really negatively impacted our bond. I did struggle to bond with her and had a real battle with post natal depression in the end.

That's really awful. Sorry you went through that. Had you noticed anything selfish about him before or did it just reveal itself through your baby being born? I hope things have got better for you since!

xnalaks · 16/08/2023 13:40

Twiglets1 · 16/08/2023 12:40

Your poor husband. Keeping a grudge all these years.

Eeek this is a bit embarrassing for you

Feraldogmum · 16/08/2023 13:43

Unless he can breastfeed ,I don’t get the unbuttoning of his shirt . I know we are all supposedly gender fluid these days, but this frankly weirds me out. Mum has skin to skin contact as part of breastfeeding, since when do men lactate and need to stimulate that response in a baby. Eww

xnalaks · 16/08/2023 13:43

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🤦‍♀️ you're going to regret writing that in a minute

TheoTheopolis23 · 16/08/2023 13:44

The second time didn’t happen and so you cannot be upset/annoyed about something that may have happened.

WTAF.

She certainly can be upset about what he intended to happen. What would have happened if someone else hadn't intervened.

JanieEyre · 16/08/2023 13:45

WinterDeWinter · 16/08/2023 11:07

I think the big problem is what's going on NOW @Hamiltondoesnthesitate . It's very, very, very wrong for your husband to be creating an 'you and me versus mum' structure in your family.Have you ever challenged him on this, because it's extraordinarily manipulative and also very unusual to be so open about it. If you haven't, you must start doing so now. Right now.

At the very least this is emotional abuse towards both your DD and you.

At the very worst it's sexual grooming. Somewhere in the middle is emotional grooming, where the daughter becomes the 'wife' in the triad, with lasting psychological impact on her. He will make her complicit in this - he already is - and she will feel terrible conflict and self-repulsion because she has been groomed to crave what she on some level knows is wrong. She will seek similar triangles in the future - will not feel loved unless it is at the expense of another. At the same time, she's likely to be tortured by guilt.

Your second daughter will also be profoundly impacted - rejected as 'not enough to be my wife'. As well as the crushing blow to her self-esteem, she will also know that what she longs for is wrong - like your elder daughter, she will hate herself for wanting her father's perverse attention.

On the matter of the skin to skin - you can see that he thinks this time is exceptionally important, because he (wrongly) attributes his lack of closeness with DD2 to not having it with her. Yet twice he wanted to deprive you of that bond.

There is something deeply, deeply creepy about a man demanding that a tiny powerless baby touches him in this utterly intimate way - 'gives herself to him first'. Others have mentioned, there is something fetishistic about it. It's fucking repulsive actually.

These are serious and very unusual responses/behaviours OP. This is so very far beyond normal. I think he sounds dangerous, and I don't think I've ever said that on here.

This entire analysis is deeply flawed, not least because it presupposes that neither OP nor anyone else will ever have any influence over the girls. Don't take it too seriously.

TheoTheopolis23 · 16/08/2023 13:47

Skin to skin is supposed to be in part about establishing breast feeding (or giving it the best chance of being established). Also babies respond to their mothers voice and smell.

So he's either monumentally stupid, or happy to override that important bonding and natural process too. To the detriment of you and your baby.

chimamandafan · 16/08/2023 13:48

OP, I would definitely seek advice and help. I'm very alarmed by the fact that he's teaching his child/ren to keep secrets from you. This is a safeguarding red flag. It's a classic sign of grooming and you may not have concerns now about sexual abuse, but down the line...

I'm also picking up on the fact that he's starting a process called parental alienation now, before he leaves you. Are you aware of it? Here's a link:

https://www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parents-and-carers/divorce-and-separation/what-to-expect-from-cafcass/alienating-behaviours/

Parental alienation classically happens after divorce, where one parent attempts to alienate the child/ren by being negative about the other parent and turning the child/ren against them. Secret-keeping and the 'you're my special girl' scenario can be a part of it. If I were you I'd flag this up now. I might start with a family therapist. You and your husband could go to one together to discuss how you feel about his behaviour and discover more about what he thinks is going on. You can discuss, with the therapist, why not keeping secrets is so important — so it won't just be you and your 'silly' concerns. If he won't go, see the family therapist on your own. They may advise on ways of going forward. You need this concern noted somewhere, so that if at a later date he files for divorce and fights to exclude you from access on the grounds of his 'special' relationship with the children you can show that this has been a long-running matter of concern.

I also wonder whether your DH and his family are ND. I know it's a cliche and bandied round too readily here on MN, but the fact that he seems to believe that having got in first with the skin-to-skin contact he has in some way stolen her from you, plus what you say about his family, does make me wonder whether there's something going on there.

Alienating behaviours - Cafcass - Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service

For a long time now, those charged with looking after children’s welfare have been aware of parental alienation in family law proceedings.

https://www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parents-and-carers/divorce-and-separation/what-to-expect-from-cafcass/alienating-behaviours/

MonsterCalling · 16/08/2023 13:50

Feraldogmum · 16/08/2023 13:43

Unless he can breastfeed ,I don’t get the unbuttoning of his shirt . I know we are all supposedly gender fluid these days, but this frankly weirds me out. Mum has skin to skin contact as part of breastfeeding, since when do men lactate and need to stimulate that response in a baby. Eww

Skin-to-skin with the non-birthing parent is the next best thing if the ideal of skin-to-skin for mother and baby is not possible. Skin-to-skin isn't just about promoting breastfeeding. It helps the newborn to regulate their body temperature and begin learning how to breathe regularly.

The DH is a twat but the evidence behind skin-to-skin isn't the reason why, so please don't conflate them.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 16/08/2023 13:52

He sounds like a right fucking weirdo

YANBU

MysteryBelle · 16/08/2023 13:55

He’s a weirdo. And to do it deliberately after having it slowly explained to him for his pea brain to understand. I think he’s creepy the way he went about it both times.

Pedants · 16/08/2023 13:57

It’s deeply disturbing to read.

I really can’t imagine many men doing this; not just the wanting to hold before you but the skin to skin part. Most men I’ve seen in hospital or friends/family are of course intrigued and besotted by their new baby but tend to focus on the mum, making sure she has everything she needs. Which is how it should be in my view.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 16/08/2023 13:59

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Read all of the op's posts @KarmaStar . Seriously.

MinimalistMe · 16/08/2023 14:00

This is one of the most disturbing threads I've ever read. I hope you're ok OP as you're likely having some disturbing realisations now. Wishing you all the best for a future without him.

TheoTheopolis23 · 16/08/2023 14:03

chimamandafan · 16/08/2023 13:48

OP, I would definitely seek advice and help. I'm very alarmed by the fact that he's teaching his child/ren to keep secrets from you. This is a safeguarding red flag. It's a classic sign of grooming and you may not have concerns now about sexual abuse, but down the line...

I'm also picking up on the fact that he's starting a process called parental alienation now, before he leaves you. Are you aware of it? Here's a link:

https://www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parents-and-carers/divorce-and-separation/what-to-expect-from-cafcass/alienating-behaviours/

Parental alienation classically happens after divorce, where one parent attempts to alienate the child/ren by being negative about the other parent and turning the child/ren against them. Secret-keeping and the 'you're my special girl' scenario can be a part of it. If I were you I'd flag this up now. I might start with a family therapist. You and your husband could go to one together to discuss how you feel about his behaviour and discover more about what he thinks is going on. You can discuss, with the therapist, why not keeping secrets is so important — so it won't just be you and your 'silly' concerns. If he won't go, see the family therapist on your own. They may advise on ways of going forward. You need this concern noted somewhere, so that if at a later date he files for divorce and fights to exclude you from access on the grounds of his 'special' relationship with the children you can show that this has been a long-running matter of concern.

I also wonder whether your DH and his family are ND. I know it's a cliche and bandied round too readily here on MN, but the fact that he seems to believe that having got in first with the skin-to-skin contact he has in some way stolen her from you, plus what you say about his family, does make me wonder whether there's something going on there.

This x100.

You need to get talking to WA first perhaps, then SS.

There were two threads by a woman in this position, but much forget on. It was quite a while back so I don't think I could find them.

Eventually she and her h divorced, but by the time they did she'd spent 15 or more years being excluded from everything he did with their child (male in that case). Excluded and marginalised and alienated for 15 yes firing the marriage and then continuing after. He treated their son's more like a partner than a son. He was encouraging him to join him in his business rather than eg go to uni, go any distance away.

He had made his son "like two peas in a pod" with him.

The whole thing had wrecked the ops head so much that even after years of it, even after divorce she really doubted her own feelings and perceptions and had absolutely no confidence in the thread.

Men like this exist. What their particular malfunction is, only psychiatrists could work out, if even they could.

TheoTheopolis23 · 16/08/2023 14:04

but much further on.

sodthesodoff · 16/08/2023 14:05

dhilez · 16/08/2023 13:26

This is probably one of the most batshit threads I’ve ever read on mumsnet… but it’s like nectar to the typical man haters here.

You’ve been holding this grudge for 5 years… because he unbuttoned his shirt for skin to skin (which is encouraged), because he walks ahead of you and doesn’t slow down…..

I agree with some of the posters here, you should speak to a GP ASAP

And favourites his eldest daughter. Treats her different to her sister and she's his favourite. Isolates his daughters as he doesn't want be around another adult when with them.

I don't think it's growing up the op needs to do.

Lachimolala · 16/08/2023 14:07

hygieneversustheplanet · 16/08/2023 13:40

That's really awful. Sorry you went through that. Had you noticed anything selfish about him before or did it just reveal itself through your baby being born? I hope things have got better for you since!

Show quote history

I did actually, he was pretty much perfect until I fell pregnant. Then slowly but surely the facade fell and his true nature started to show.

She was born in 2017 and by 2019 when our son was born I was fully entrenched in a horrifically abusive relationship. Sexual assaults, gaslighting, coercive control, degradation, isolation, financial abuse and then some. It took me a while to get free from that situation.

Though looking back I can seeing how the control started from as early as 2015 around 5 months into our relationship. It was just very well hidden psychological abuse, which he used to manipulate my mind and self esteem. Presumably to make me a better more receptive target for the other abuse he inflicted on me during pregnancy.

I can see now he never wanted me, more a vessel for his offspring.