To be annoyed my husband stole skin to skin time

[Hamiltondoesnthesitate]

I’m probably being unreasonable, and happy to be told I am. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of resentment that when our first daughter was born 5 years ago (yes, I have been known to bear a grudge!) my husband had most of the first 1hr of skin to skin time. I was a bit out of it on gas and air, but essentially I delivered our daughter and she was given to me by the midwife, I think I held her for about 5mins and then the midwives weighed/examined her. The midwife went to pass my daughter back to me but my husband intercepted and asked to hold her, he then sat away from me, unbuttoned his shirt and did skin to skin for about an hour.

I was still quite groggy from the gas and air, so didn’t really ask for her back until an hour or so, but I feel he should have at least offered to bring her to me or sat next to me, rather than sit far away in a corner with her?! I didn’t attempt to breastfeed until an hour after she was born, I struggled a bit and couldn’t get her to latch on until a few days after she was born.

These feelings were stirred up again when I had our second daughter. Before she was born, I explained to my husband that I wanted to have skin to skin immediately after the birth for 30mins and also attempt to get her to latch on in that time. I said I was happy for him to hold her in that time, but not to take her to the other side of the room for an hour like last time! Anyway I ended up having an emergency c-section. The doctor took the baby to be checked over immediately after delivery. As they were removing the placenta, I noticed my husband start to unbutton his shirt. The midwife picked up the baby and started walking towards me, my husband, shirt unbuttoned, stood in her way with outstretched arms as if to take the baby! The midwife ignored him and placed the baby on my chest, and she stayed there until they had sewn me up etc, she was even able to latch on. But I have a niggling resentment that my husband intended to disregard my wishes, and just do what he wanted!

I know I should be/am grateful for 2 healthy daughters. I just feel that my husband intentionally wants to cut me out/not include me in many ways - but it started at day 1 from each of their births.

Sorry that was long, thank you if you reached the end!

*He was encouraging him to join him in his business rather than eg go to uni, go any distance away.

He was also joining a lads holiday (with no other Dad's present) his son was going on, or at least going to the same resort & accommodation at the same time.

I felt really sorry for the son, who apparently (at 18 or so) rather naturally hadn't worked anything out and was still very close to and somewhat in thrall to the Dad.

Emotional incest at best, actual incest at worst.

Someone I know always wondered why they weren't good enough for dad, why their sibling was the favourite, was jealous even.

Until the dad went tried to groom someone else's kid too, who told their parents

OMG! I'm so sorry for you. It's chilling how this happens and often really reveals itself during such a vulnerable time for a woman. I suppose that's how bullies operate. I am glad you are safe now and wish you and your son all the best. X

The first one I could get over but I’m shocked by the second! My husband did a lot of the skin to skin as I was bleeding out and being stitched back up felt too unwell to continue doing it but they sat in the chair next to me so I could see everything and he made sure I had held him first and got that first skin to skin cuddle. I’m pregnant again now and the plan is I will do skin to skin unless I don’t feel well or need a c section and then Dad will do it.

My husband would always ask me before just whisking baby off. He’s very much a sit back and watch personality and lets me run the show when it comes to my deliveries and I’m quite appalled at how your husband just took that time away from you. It really makes me uncomfortable and I can’t put my finger on why but it’s like he disregarded you as soon as baby was here and took the moment we all know is intended for Mum.

Maybe read my other post before you start preaching. I said, and still believe, that the skin to skin isn't the big issue, how he is behaviour with the children now is the issue.

Just to let you know I did read all the OPs posts, that's why I was concerned about his behaviour now so maybe get your facts sorted before you leap to judgement.

OP, I’m honestly appalled by your updates. It’s really unacceptable what he is doing and he is harming both your children. The poster who wrote about him putting your oldest in to the wife role really hit a nerve and I feel physically repulsed thinking about what this man is doing to you and your girls. I hope you have someone trusted IRL you can confide in and get some support but this isn’t ok or normal! The exclusion of you is awful but he is actually bullying your little daughter too and creating a horribly nasty dynamic with your oldest. Also I’m sorry to say how would you know if they were being assaulted? He’s showing all the red warning flags! Let’s keep ‘playing’ when Mummy is gone is making her keep secrets and things away from you! I am deeply deeply worried about your children OP!

Haven't read the whole thread yet so apologies if it's already been said. For those asking on pages 2 and 3 if it's normal for a dad to do skin to skin, yes it is. It helps dad and baby bond, and it also helps the baby regulate its body temperature to be skin to skin with either parent (so eg dad would have his turn when mum showered after birth). My midwife told my DH to make sure he wore a button shirt for the birth specifically for this reason.
The dad skin to skin is not the weird bit in this story! That he did it before the mum and to her exclusion, and for an HOUR? That's the strange bit.

Might not be the soundest of advice but if I'm honest I think I would do this too. Its so unnerving that he wants to have private Conversations with your daughter and openly tells her this I would also let the school know there are issues at home and could they keep an eye on her

I just feel that my husband intentionally wants to cut me out/not include me in many ways - but it started at day 1 from each of their births.

The skin to skin wouldn't bother me. I was out of it after having my DD and didn't hold her for a while after I gave birth. But the fact that he's intentionally cutting you out after their births, that wouldn't fly for me. I know a few women who have done this to their husbands, and it ended up having a negative effect on the kids and their relationships with both parents. So this is what would worry me more than the skin to skin, altho that was the first sign of this ongoing behaviour.

Has your DH got two sisters by any chance?
What is his relationship like with his mother?

Somewhere he learned to control a woman by getting her away from the person he wanted attention from.

Maybe he was the tantrum throwing controlling child who Mummy had to take aside to soothe him. So it worked on her.

You are dismissing/down playing it as him 'not able to cope' or being overwhelmed by more than one family member. But that is you putting aside this peculiar isolating-to-control-the-narrative-of-me behaviour.

In order to get his needs met, he isolates the female who affection he needs, lovebombs her, then to shape her behaviour even further, threatens to either abandon her or makes harm coming to himself dependent on her behaviour.

He's likely already done this to you in some shape or form. He may not like you meeting his family in case any previous bad behaviour is 'exposed'. Even a silly story about him spilling a glass of milk aged 6.

Now he's curating his next female caregiver. Dad's special girl who will pour adoration upon him and hear no wrongs against him. He controls the narrative of himself without any interference.

You'll have to call him out on this. I'd point out to him that his behaviour seems 'unusual' and that it's odd for the parent to stop talking when the other parent comes in.

As the other poster said tell him he's colluding with having secret talks with DD.

That he 'seems to put a lot of effort into cultivating' his relationship with DD1 to the exclusion of DD2. And has thought of the wider impact of that for healthy family relationships. Ask him if he thinks his own family of origin have a healthy relationship, because there is a peculiar dynamic which is very similar occurring with DD.

Ask him does he think it's good for a child to have one parent excluded by the other?

I'd keep bringing him back to his own childhood and ask him to consider what impact it might have on DD1 to have her sister and mother deliberately sidelined. And ask did anything like that happen to him when he was a child?

On the skin to skin thing, tell him that DD could have had skin to skin contact with the lady who brings the dinners around in the hospital but that doesn't inform the relationship going forward.

I can see now he never wanted me, more a vessel for his offspring.

That's exactly what I was going to say about men like this.

That's the very string impression I got from the previous poster (though she was still very confused and lacking confidence) re her husband. It didn't seem to be sexual, bit it was definitely some form of emotional incest/ownership of another human being.

What strikes me is that this isn't even a dynamic that he developed/fell into as the children were becoming more interactive, verbal etc. It's seems like it's something he planned and intended from pregnancy.... And he thought by grabbing skin to skin on both occasions that he'd get in their first with the bond (he's a fkg idiot in that but nonetheless). He actively wants a "special" relationship with his kids that excludes and marginalises their Mum/other parent. And I think he intended and wanted that from day one.

I suspect the dh has form for being selfish. It is highly unlikely these two events are out of step from his normal behaviour. Op is likely getting fed up and has focused on these two events

The favouritism of one DD is also damaging.

@Hamiltondoesnthesitate Whenever she misbehaves/doesn't listen, he will say she is doing X or Y to him because he was denied skin to skin when she was first born, so he's not as close to her now!

He is an arse of the highest order. Your youngest will resent him and your eldest will grow up feeling like the golden child. You need to stop this now. I would seriously consider telling him he needs to attend family therapy or couples therapy or leave him

I might start with a family therapist. You and your husband could go to one together to discuss how you feel about his behaviour and discover more about what he thinks is going on. You can discuss, with the therapist, why not keeping secrets is so important — so it won't just be you and your 'silly' concerns. If he won't go, see the family therapist on your own.

I'm not sure that going to family therapy with this piece of work is a good idea.

My DC are grown up, and I don't know if this skin to skin thing is a new idea. But I am very close to all 3 of my children and know for a fact this didn't happen with any of mine, however the fact it bothers you after all this time it clearly was important to you, and whilst as others have said they could excuse the first time, the 2nd time he actively tried to go against your wishes and still harps on about it now and his behaviour to you all as a family unit is concerning, I feel there are issues you need to address, he is clearly controlling, don't let him wear you down, his behaviour is likely why you still have problesm with what happended at the time of your dc births.

Whenever she misbehaves/doesn't listen, he will say she is doing X or Y to him because he was denied skin to skin when she was first born, so he's not as close to her now!

I missed that.

What an unimaginable idiot.

This would be like letting your child swim in the shark pool because you’ll probably be able to pull them out in time.

Why would you?

And why would you suggest it if you didn’t have an investment in women staying with abusive men?

Op says...Whenever she misbehaves/doesn't listen, he will say she is doing X or Y to him because he was denied skin to skin when she was first born, so he's not as close to her now!

That tells us that ALL the wrong doing is the dh fault. He is beyond creepy. He is manipulative and controlling. He will fuck those girls up. One will be 'golden child' or is potentially being groomed the other will feel like the unflavoured one.

Okay 👌

Perceptive post.

On the matter of the skin to skin - you can see that he thinks this time is exceptionally important, because he (wrongly) attributes his lack of closeness with DD2 to not having it with her. Yet twice he wanted to deprive you of that bond.

There is something deeply, deeply creepy about a man demanding that a tiny powerless baby touches him in this utterly intimate way - 'gives herself to him first'. Others have mentioned, there is something fetishistic about it. It's fucking repulsive actually.

I agree with this. Very disturbing. How he unbuttons his shirt, op, your description made my skin crawl, and @WinterDeWinter has explained very well the calculated machinations with his behavior. This is not a father putting baby on his chest, this is weird.

This too is a wise post. Strange behavior by op’s husband.

At best, his behaviour is hurtful to you and DD2 and damaging to DD1 as well.

At worst, it's a sign of grooming. Either way you can't just let it go on like this.

It's worth noting - one in three sexual abusers is a close relative and they don't usually just start suddenly. There's a process where they charm, isolate, and manipulate the victim to establish a 'special' relationship where the child's healthy sense of boundaries get messed up and their self esteem becomes very dependent on the groomer's approval.

This could go on for years without anything sexual happening, but it's still damaging in itself.

Maybe this is just the way your H establishes relationships or maybe it's grooming that could lead to something sinister, who knows? It's already bad if it's just as you described.

Yea it's that second time that shows intentions. There's something strange about that