who is being unreasonable? new job and children

[interestingly8]

Would like to keep this unbiased if possible.

Sarah and Ben have two children together and are separated. Ben is now married to Claire (B&C also now have young children of their own).

S&Bs children stay with B&C 2 nights one week and 3 the next currently. The week with 3 nights is over the weekend and the week with 2 is during the week.

Ben works, Claire is a SAHM and Sarah has been studying for the past number of years around her part time job.

Sarah has now qualified and is beginning a new job which will involve shift work meaning the her and Ben's children's normal contact schedule will need to change and follow Sarah's shift patterns rather than set days that they now have. This will inc upping contact to 3 nights every week whilst Sarah works. Ben is saying this is not possible as he's already arranged his work around the schedule they have had for years and cannot change this dependant on Sarah's shifts for that week. He has agreed to up contact to 3 nights per week but has said these must be set days.

Sarah has suggested Claire help if Ben is not around on one of the days, Claire has said no and agrees with Ben the contact schedule should remain the same as its what everyone has worked around for years Inc the children.

Who is being unreasonable?

Sarah for saying contact needs to follow her shifts instead of being set from now on and if Ben can't do that maybe Claire could help out. YANBU

Ben and Claire for insisting contact should follow the same schedule as normal and be set, not change week by week (although they do agree to up to 3 nights per week). YABU

Which ever is best for the children is what should matter the most.

Which children because I'd argue its in Clarie's children's interest to not stress out claire

Why's that?

It is between Ben and Sarah to sort out. Ben's children with Sarah are his and Sarah's responsibility. Claire as, what sounds like, a fairly new mum, should not have to pick up the childcare of her stepchildren because their own parents can't be there for them. Absolutely unreasonable to expect, or even ask, Claire to do it, it's not her responsibility. Sarah needs to sit down with Ben and work out how the two of them can make it work.

Because their mother would have less time for them, on top of her becoming stressed and resentful as a result of doing something she doesn’t want to do.

all besides the point though really, as she’s said no.

Two weeks? I just brought my engagement diary for next year because this is when things start to get organised at times.

Fair points.

If I were Claire I think at this point I'd discuss with Ben offering a true 50/50 plan with fixed times. If Sarah kept pushing I'd suggest he offer 80/20 fixed times, or full custody, just so we know where we are at. At least with full custody, or close to it, we can plan as a family of four kids rather than never knowing if we can make plans or not. I'd rather go to court and ask for full custody on the basis it's better for all the children involved on both sides to have stability. The alternative as SM is that I just tell Ben that I have to make plans and, if I'm not available, it's between him and Sarah to resolve. I'm not living my life up in the air all the time for anyone.

Are you really asking why it’s in children’s best interests to not have a stressed parent?

I have a suggestion......

Sarah needs to get herself out and about tout suite and bag herself a new fiance.

Preferably someone who is a cocklodger or has a trust fund.

Either way, someone who doesn't work.

It can be either a man or a women - Sarah doesn't have the time to be picky

Problem solved 😁

Perfect! Why didn't we think of this before??!?

How old are the children?

What is best for the children?

@sashh
7 and 11

A great story from a bitter person who has been hurt and now distrusts most men I would guess

Exactly!

Sarah needs to find childcare that suits her new needs. She’s changed the schedule so can’t expect everyone else to change things to accommodate her

Oh I don't know, Sarah has clearly worked really hard to qualify for this new job that's going to improve her children's lives potentially and bring her joy and satisfaction. Well done Sarah. It would be great if B and C could be more accommodating. Wouldn't it be awful if Sarah couldn't do this new job because she has no other support - who else could look after 2 children overnight if there's no other family. Or them having to go to grandparents and wondering why they can't just go to their other house.

Well Sarah could just send her kids to live with their father then it would be his problem.

That could work, at least then Ben and Claire could build a routine that wasnt ever changing, am familiar with the nightmare of shift work!
Would Sarah, Ben, Claire and of course the kids be happy with that?

Sarah has clearly worked really hard to qualify for this new job that's going to improve her children's lives potentially and bring her joy and satisfaction. Well done Sarah. It would be great if B and C could be more accommodating.
So is the consensus that Ben who am assuming clearly worked hard when he was with Sarah, when she was a SAHM of her choosing, a 'shit dad' for doing so, and Sarah is now a wonderful person for 'working hard' and he's still a shit dad for not facilitating her choice this time?

I haven’t read the whole thread, but would say that I completely understand Sarah asking her ex and partner to help because that was the obvious solution. I’m a step mum and would have (and did) helped if I could. That said, if they can’t adjust their schedules, then she’ll have to sort other childcare. No amount of arguing will change anything and just impact the children.

The two parents of the children need to sort this out. If Ben and Sarah were still together then one of 4 things would need to happen:

1. Ben would have to negotiate flexible working around Sarah's changing shifts
2. Sarah would have to arrange her shifts around Ben's work
3. They would have to pay for childcare at times both of them would be working
4. One of them would have to change jobs to fit better with childcare availability.

Frankly, the fact they are separated doesn't change any of this. They have kids together they have to work together to make it work!

Frankly it changes everything that they are separated.
He now has another wife and 2 other kids to also think about.
Sarah should of thought a bit harder about how she was going to negotiate childcare doing shift work.
Ben is now doing 6/14 days ….. 1 day off 50:50.
Sarahs shifts are her problem.