To be really pissed off with DH's lack of self-awareness re: hobbies/interests?

[FieryCrash]

Sitting here stewing when I should be sleeping...

DH has really pissed me off tonight and I need to know if IABU. Will try to keep it simple! It's probably going to sound daft when I write it down but I just need to vent to someone.

A couple of years ago he took up a new hobby / interest that required a LOT of commitment. We're talking tons of training and lots of time away from home, ranging from a weekend at a time to several weeks on the trot, around the UK and abroad. When he's away, hes not always contactable for a couple of days.

It's all been very new to us, but it's been a big deal to him, I'm very proud of what he's achieved, I can see he gets a lot out of it and I have supported him absolutely unconditionally throughout (and will continue to do so). Although we don't have young children to manage, it has meant some disruption / change to my life, eg: him being away for days or even weeks at at time. I dont mind, but I do miss him and it is a big change. He even missed our 1st wedding anniversary (with my blessing)! (I can't say what it is but it's not a sport!)

He has now even given up his job to pursue a paid version of this hobby for a year - meaning quite a significant pay cut and more time away. Again, I have supported this without question.

Whilst this has been going on, I have had a really shit year at work (for reasons that aren't really relevant). DH has been v supportive and lovely, no problem there. But I have also found a hobby of my own (gardening) which has really helped me to manage some of the shitty times. It's had a really positive impact on my mental health and I absolutely love it.

This evening, I got an email offering me an allotment (half plot). I've had my name down for over 2 years, which DH knows. It's 10 mins walk from our front door.

I was so excited to get this email, and told DH as we were going to bed. His immediate reaction was 'you're not having an allotment'. No explanation, no further discussion, lights out.

I am so fucking furious. He's literally changed his (and my) entire life with my unconditional support, I'm going to be supporting us financially for the next 12 months whilst he pursues his dreams and interests, and yet he feels justified in just stamping on the stuff I'd like to do??

AIBU to be so bloody pissed off?

I would have to find out his reasoning. It’s not going to impact on him in any way. Twat.

I'd just ask why he said you can't, then tell him you're having one regardless. If he moans tell him he's not doing his hobby then. What a prick.

It is a triathlete, always a triathlete.

It is very worrying how you didn't come straight out and ask him why. What stopped you? Were you worried about him shouting at you? Or that he would walk out the house?

Have you ever said no to him. Do you dare?

What's the hobby?

He sounds awful. Why shouldn’t you spend time on your hobbies while he spends time on his? As you say there is no childcare to manage.

Personally I’d take the allotment and he can like it or lump it. If he pushes pack on this sort of thing again get tough.

That is what i would call a big eye opener.

From reading your post it looks like you have been super supportive, kind and taken an interest in his plans, done everything you could to accommodate them. Having all this lovely support its probably been a lovely time discussing his plans etc.
But. He is uncontactable when away and forgot your 1st wedding anniversary. He's giving up his job and you will end up subsidising the shortfall. Can't afford the cinema this week - I'll get the tickets.

Its basically all about his interests, his needs.

This wouldn't be so annoying for you if he hadn't immediately dismissed your idea. If he'd even entered into it with a portion of the interest you've shown in discussing his plans.
He didn't say that's not a great idea lets talk about it later. He said "'you're not having an allotment'. Its the tone of that command I would find very hard to get over.
He dismissed it as if he was the boss of you.

That said, it was late at night, he might have been knackered and not really thinking, although maybe that is why it came out so bluntly.

You post was very clear and very well laid out - seems like an excellent basis for a discussion.
ps. get the allotment.

Tell him you are taking it to grown food so there will be more to save/spend on his hobby.
win/win

By MN standards I’m definitely lacking in backbone. Child of trauma that grew up to be a people pleaser, with porous boundaries and all that.

Your complete and total support of his hobby, despite its significant impact on you, strikes me as the exact sort of situation I’d be in; convincing myself I was choosing to be supportive when in reality I struggle to the depths of my psyche to say no.

Your question is (paraphrasing) shouldn’t he reciprocate? And I’m going to suggest that the answer is No. I mean it would be nice if he did. But first, relationships are rarely reciprocal and takers take. And second, it’s healthy and normal to have boundaries, to consider the impact of other people’s actions and not just give unquestioning, unwavering support.

There’s a good chance that he isn’t aware of the cost to you of his decisions, because if he runs it through his own head, it wouldn’t be a reasonable sacrifice that he would be prepared to make. The way human minds work is to iron out the bits that don’t balance and end up with something like “she doesn’t mind being left on her own”.

I’m not excusing him here - he’s coming across as colossally selfish, thoughtless and domineering. But the only person you can change is yourself.

It’s not unusual to be attracted to a man with a controlling streak. If your boundaries are a bit floppy it’s comforting to be with someone who knows what they want, but it can be a dangerous attraction.

My dh definitely has a touch of it too, but even he would draw the line at issuing an edict banning me from doing something.

Is it possible that you really don’t have as much choice in supporting his hobby/job as you would like to think you do?

Take the allotment. I hope you meet a lovely divorced or widowed fellow gardener up there to replace DH with. What an absolute turnip (no pun intended)

OP says it's not a sport. My money is on metal detecting but that's because I watch too much telly.

I was so excited to get this email, and told DH as we were going to bed. His immediate reaction was 'you're not having an allotment'. No explanation, no further discussion, lights out.

Hmm. I think a lot depends on tone and how he reacts to other things but I would be very, very wary of this and watch for it creeping into other areas of your life. You're in your 50s, you're not going to have any more kids, how you spend your time is up to you. Get the allotment. Tell him or don't tell him but make it clear that he doesn't get to dictate like this. And if he thinks he can dictate, then during one of his long trips away I'd be making sure I had a safe exit route.

The most important element is he has no right of veto over what the OP does.

Leave and don't look back

^ This ^

He’s being a twat, obviously. But you haven’t explained how the rest of the conversation went. I find it hard to believe that he said “You’re not having an allotment” and that you just remained silent. Why didn’t you just say to him all the things that you’ve said here?

This.

That automatic response is a window into who he is.

You married a dud.

Have a rethink.

What is your housing situation?

I doubt any of this is an accident.

Well obviously he can’t stop you and it obviously doesn’t impact him in anyway so I’d hope he was just joking or there’s some reasonable explanation for it.

I assume the reason you haven’t put the rest of the conversation down is because he said you’re not getting an allotment and you said “yes I am” and that was the end of it.

He’s essentially given himself a very early retirement hasn’t he? Giving up work to do a paid version of his hobby, wife supports him financially and runs the household while he gallivants. Living the dream!

He’s worried your allotment will curtail your earning power (he’s not going back to work) and your time spent on household stuff – if he’s away a lot and focussed on this hobby who does the cleaning, changing bed sheets, DIY, food shops, etc? Allotments take up a lot of time (allot of time ahahaha), he can’t have that impact his cushty lifestyle.

@Charrington Recovering people pleaser here too and I agree with you. The old me would have convinced myself that my partner missing a wedding anniversary was ok by me.

Hey Op, what a strange reaction but why do you think he lacks awareness? Im very sure he fully knows he is being unfair and does not care.

I assume the reason you haven’t put the rest of the conversation down is because he said you’re not getting an allotment and you said “yes I am” and that was the end of it.

I would think it quite likely the OP was too shocked to respond. The other problem is if some gut instinct told her not to respond in case of his reaction. And if it's that, I would be making an exit plan.

Was it a clumsy joke based on the traditional image of someone with an allotment?!

Next time he announces he's off on one of his jollies you can say; "No, you're not" See how he likes it.

My response would have been "I beg your pardon?"

Any chance he was joking??

Maybe he does not like courgettes.