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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really pissed off with DH's lack of self-awareness re: hobbies/interests?

353 replies

FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 00:54

Sitting here stewing when I should be sleeping...

DH has really pissed me off tonight and I need to know if IABU. Will try to keep it simple! It's probably going to sound daft when I write it down but I just need to vent to someone.

A couple of years ago he took up a new hobby / interest that required a LOT of commitment. We're talking tons of training and lots of time away from home, ranging from a weekend at a time to several weeks on the trot, around the UK and abroad. When he's away, hes not always contactable for a couple of days.

It's all been very new to us, but it's been a big deal to him, I'm very proud of what he's achieved, I can see he gets a lot out of it and I have supported him absolutely unconditionally throughout (and will continue to do so). Although we don't have young children to manage, it has meant some disruption / change to my life, eg: him being away for days or even weeks at at time. I dont mind, but I do miss him and it is a big change. He even missed our 1st wedding anniversary (with my blessing)! (I can't say what it is but it's not a sport!)

He has now even given up his job to pursue a paid version of this hobby for a year - meaning quite a significant pay cut and more time away. Again, I have supported this without question.

Whilst this has been going on, I have had a really shit year at work (for reasons that aren't really relevant). DH has been v supportive and lovely, no problem there. But I have also found a hobby of my own (gardening) which has really helped me to manage some of the shitty times. It's had a really positive impact on my mental health and I absolutely love it.

This evening, I got an email offering me an allotment (half plot). I've had my name down for over 2 years, which DH knows. It's 10 mins walk from our front door.

I was so excited to get this email, and told DH as we were going to bed. His immediate reaction was 'you're not having an allotment'. No explanation, no further discussion, lights out.

I am so fucking furious. He's literally changed his (and my) entire life with my unconditional support, I'm going to be supporting us financially for the next 12 months whilst he pursues his dreams and interests, and yet he feels justified in just stamping on the stuff I'd like to do??

AIBU to be so bloody pissed off?

OP posts:
caringcarer · 16/08/2023 08:48

Get your allotment but don't cook him any of the fresh produce you get.... keep it all for yourself when he is away on his hobby. Give some away if you get too much but don't give him any.

TheDogthatDug · 16/08/2023 08:50

He probably thinks that you will have your head turned by a fellow allotment holder as you are planting spuds. You go and enjoy your allotment

KittensandPerverts · 16/08/2023 08:51

LyricalGangsta · 16/08/2023 08:33

Have we found out yet why he said no to the allotment?

I think this is the most important element of the 'argument'.

caringcarer · 16/08/2023 08:53

viques · 16/08/2023 08:29

Get the allotment, ask what their policies are on spousal burial……

Hilarious 😂😂😂

SavBlancTonight · 16/08/2023 08:53

Personally, I think why he doesn't want you to have an allotment is irrelevant. What's for more important is why he thinks he gets tondecide these things and why your immediate reaction wasn't to laugh in his face? Do you often have to get permission from him to do fairly normal and non-controversial things?

Serendipitoushedgehog · 16/08/2023 08:54

His immediate reaction was 'you're not having an allotment'.

I can’t see an adult talking to another adult like this within the context of a healthy relationship.

Newnamehiwhodis · 16/08/2023 08:55

Oh he can fuck right off.

enjoy your allotment

Sierra26 · 16/08/2023 08:56

I’m not surprised you feel upset and let down. Obviously you go ahead and get it anyway, but important you process the emotional side of this too, as that’s why you’re here.

If I were you I’d need to understand why he said no, talk that through first, and then move on to explaining to him why his reaction upset you. Maybe because you’ve been so unconditionally supportive (not a bad thing btw) he hasn’t realised how much you’ve had to compromise? And what that looks/feels like when you are the giver of the support instead of the receiver? And therefore doesn’t realise how his reaction is the polar opposite of how you have been reacting to him?

This comes down to mutually supporting each other emotionally and practically, so Id be having that discussion openly.

Nevermind91 · 16/08/2023 08:57

Your blessings come quite freely as far as he goes. Perhaps rein that in a little bit.

MustardCress · 16/08/2023 09:01

It’s also okay for the DH to have an initially negative reaction.

WTF PumpkinsAndCoconuts! Its really not OK for the DH to respond by banning his wife from doing a completely normal thing.

If he had reasonable concerns for example if the garden was in a complete state and the OP wasn’t coping but wanted an allotment then he needs to raise that in a calm and logical manner. Not respond by banning. I’d bet my car though that this is not even slightly the case here.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 16/08/2023 09:02

MustardCress · 16/08/2023 09:01

It’s also okay for the DH to have an initially negative reaction.

WTF PumpkinsAndCoconuts! Its really not OK for the DH to respond by banning his wife from doing a completely normal thing.

If he had reasonable concerns for example if the garden was in a complete state and the OP wasn’t coping but wanted an allotment then he needs to raise that in a calm and logical manner. Not respond by banning. I’d bet my car though that this is not even slightly the case here.

Of course not. But it’s okay for him to have an initially negative reaction.

what I tend to do in these situations is take a big breath, examine my feelings and then talk.

Rosscameasdoody · 16/08/2023 09:02

He thinks he’ll get away with a flat ‘no’ because he’s under the impression he’s in charge isn’t he ? His hobby turned career seems to have been prioritised above all else, facilitated by yourself - an allotment is a commitment and if he perceives that as potentially interfering with his needs and wants, it’ll be dismissed.

You need to have a conversation with him this morning - about a lot more than an allotment.

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 16/08/2023 09:03

I think he’s worried that if you get too into gardening you’ll want to pursue it as more than a hobby, like he has, and then his little gravy train will be off the rails.

Also why are you supporting him unconditionally and without question? You’re allowed to have conditions and ask questions. I don’t know why some people (women) think being in a relationship means unconditional love and support. It doesn’t, it should mean mutual respect, thought and consideration.

coodawoodashooda · 16/08/2023 09:04

TheJRTwontLetMeBe · 16/08/2023 01:02

I hope you're going to ignore his allotment veto. I'm sorry but your relationship sounds totally one sided and he's just using you.

This. I had one of them too.

ShyTed · 16/08/2023 09:04

Enjoy your allotment

itsmeafterall · 16/08/2023 09:04

Blimey. What a Twat.

I'd have lost my shit over that comment.

The sheer bloody entitlement of it, the breathtaking arrogance, the implied assumption that he can say what you can and cannot do. The hypocrisy. The rudeness, the dismissiveness, the lack of appreciation, the inequity.

I could go on.

Seriously lose your shit with him over this and explain why. If you don't he'll assume that your OK with being treated as set out above.

Oh, and yes of course you should get the allotment. Have a wonderful time with it 😊

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 16/08/2023 09:05

@MustardCress

Maybe it’s about change.

he will be away doing his hobby. And you will ALSO be pursuing your hobby away from home (okay, 10 minutes), meeting new people and starting a new chapter of your life (well, that may sound a bit dramatic) without him.

that is obviously exactly what he did (although it sounds like yours will still have a much lesser impact on your life). But now he can’t think of home and everything will be just like it was but without him. Now you’re progressing and developing and finding a new space as well.

I could be completely wrong about this, it’s just a hunch.

if my hunch were to be more or less correct: having these feelings wouldn’t make him a bad person/husband etc.
but not dealing with them and simply saying no - especially when you were so incredibly supportive - is really shitty.

yanbu

this was my initial comment btw. I suppose it isn’t extreme or strongly worded enough for some munsnetters but anyhow 🤷‍♀️

readbooksdrinktea · 16/08/2023 09:05

It’s also okay for the DH to have an initially negative reaction.
.
It's really not.

Triffid1 · 16/08/2023 09:07

Why does he even think he gets a say? Never mind a veto?!

spitefulandbadgrammar · 16/08/2023 09:07

Take up the allotment, put the husband in the compost. Who does he think he is, your boss?

rileynexttime · 16/08/2023 09:07

I wonder how much tiredness and being about to go to sleep contributed to his very odd and unkind response.

Tornado70 · 16/08/2023 09:08

YANBU
I hope you love your allotment!
I’ve got one and it brings such enjoyment to me.

midlifecrash · 16/08/2023 09:09

This is so completely weird. I mean obviously he’s a cunt to object like that whatever it was, but who would have that response about an allotment fgs? And why?

Threegreenbirds · 16/08/2023 09:09

Just ask him this morning. No point in us all guessing why he said that and please update here as genuinely curious.

HappyintheHills · 16/08/2023 09:09

You really need to have the your not the boss of me conversation, has he previously shown signs of this trait?