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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really pissed off with DH's lack of self-awareness re: hobbies/interests?

353 replies

FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 00:54

Sitting here stewing when I should be sleeping...

DH has really pissed me off tonight and I need to know if IABU. Will try to keep it simple! It's probably going to sound daft when I write it down but I just need to vent to someone.

A couple of years ago he took up a new hobby / interest that required a LOT of commitment. We're talking tons of training and lots of time away from home, ranging from a weekend at a time to several weeks on the trot, around the UK and abroad. When he's away, hes not always contactable for a couple of days.

It's all been very new to us, but it's been a big deal to him, I'm very proud of what he's achieved, I can see he gets a lot out of it and I have supported him absolutely unconditionally throughout (and will continue to do so). Although we don't have young children to manage, it has meant some disruption / change to my life, eg: him being away for days or even weeks at at time. I dont mind, but I do miss him and it is a big change. He even missed our 1st wedding anniversary (with my blessing)! (I can't say what it is but it's not a sport!)

He has now even given up his job to pursue a paid version of this hobby for a year - meaning quite a significant pay cut and more time away. Again, I have supported this without question.

Whilst this has been going on, I have had a really shit year at work (for reasons that aren't really relevant). DH has been v supportive and lovely, no problem there. But I have also found a hobby of my own (gardening) which has really helped me to manage some of the shitty times. It's had a really positive impact on my mental health and I absolutely love it.

This evening, I got an email offering me an allotment (half plot). I've had my name down for over 2 years, which DH knows. It's 10 mins walk from our front door.

I was so excited to get this email, and told DH as we were going to bed. His immediate reaction was 'you're not having an allotment'. No explanation, no further discussion, lights out.

I am so fucking furious. He's literally changed his (and my) entire life with my unconditional support, I'm going to be supporting us financially for the next 12 months whilst he pursues his dreams and interests, and yet he feels justified in just stamping on the stuff I'd like to do??

AIBU to be so bloody pissed off?

OP posts:
Marwoodsbigbreak · 16/08/2023 08:24

I would be FURIOUS and rethinking whether I wanted to be married to him.

It really is all about HIM isn’t it?

BreatheAndFocus · 16/08/2023 08:24

Weird. If he said it in the way you wrote, then it sounds purposely dismissive of your hopes and your excitement. An old boyfriend used to do this to me. It ended up making me lose my confidence. The implication is you’re too old/silly/unfit/unrealistic to have an allotment. The allotment itself is irrelevant. It’s the bloody presumption of the man and the way he spoke to you. At best he sees you as some kind of servant he only exists to facilitate his life and aspirations, at worst he despises you and finds it ridiculous that you want or could manage an allotment.

Would you not be better off without him? Freedom from waiting around for him to do his hobby, more money to spend on yourself, no-one putting a downer on your excitement. It’s so disrespectful and uncaring of him.

hollyblueivy · 16/08/2023 08:24

Ring it back up first thing today - let him know you'll immediately be accepting the allotment and going out to buy some tools.

If he so much as utters a negative word, burn his cards, pop his bike tyres or whatever hobby items he has.

MrsMarzetti · 16/08/2023 08:28

I hope he is sleeping in the spare room ! You do know he will never go back to work, he is swanning around the country while you bankroll him, why do you think he will give that up in 12 months time ?

NettleTea · 16/08/2023 08:28

is it your house OP?

viques · 16/08/2023 08:29

Get the allotment, ask what their policies are on spousal burial……

MissBiljanaElectronika · 16/08/2023 08:29

I think it is silly to give him your unquestioning unwavering support all the time

especially when it is not reciprocated

I support my DH, and God knows we’ve been through a host of career and hobby changes, but so very much do not do it unquestionably … I ask list of questions esp how it affects me, and our lives together

what you and your DH have built up is a relationship where You unquestioningly support him, and he thinks he is the most important person in the responsibility and your role is to support him.., and you also think he is the most important person in your relationship and your role is to support him

you need to be a whole lot less supportive! He puts himself first, you put him first…. This is what you get

Joeylove88 · 16/08/2023 08:30

OP did you laugh when he told you that you wernt having an allotment?! That would of been my first reaction, followed by 'I'll do what the fuck I want thanks'. Hopefully he either meant that as a silly joke or he was so tired right before bed he wasn't thinking straight...any other reason he's just a complete know! You sound like an incredibly loving and supporting wife to put up with a complete change of lifestyle while he goes and pursues his dreams. Enjoy your allotment!

Fiddleyflop · 16/08/2023 08:30

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

JenWillsiam · 16/08/2023 08:30

My guess. He likes you sitting around waiting for him. You’re bordering on pushover.

LyricalGangsta · 16/08/2023 08:33

Have we found out yet why he said no to the allotment?

Marchitectmummy · 16/08/2023 08:33

Don't leave it there, ask him this morning what he meant. When I'm tired I say all sorts of things and normally abruptly to get to sleep. Maybe he does too.

Iamnotalemming · 16/08/2023 08:33

I do hope you're having it out with him over breakfast this morning. What a weirdo. You've been possibly too supportive of your DH and his new project and his behaviour is awful.

Enjoy the allotment. I spotted a beautiful butterfly in a part of my garden that I created last year and it made me really happy.

OldandTired66 · 16/08/2023 08:33

I suspect he's happy with you being his hobby widow. Less happy about being an allotment widow when he's back from his travels.

Rosiesmydog · 16/08/2023 08:34

viques · 16/08/2023 08:29

Get the allotment, ask what their policies are on spousal burial……

😂😂😂😂😂 bang on!!

MissL21 · 16/08/2023 08:34

OP, if you haven't already, I think you need to continue the conversation. Ask him why he has an issue and explain how unreasonable he's being, especially given how much your life has had to change for him.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/08/2023 08:35

I have to say you sound very doormatty, meekly going along with everything he wants, regardless of whether it turns your life upside down, all in the interests of being supportive, while at the sane time failing to challenge his diktats!

ButterCrackers · 16/08/2023 08:35

Does he have to sign up as well for the allotment? If not take the allotment yourself.

TheUsualChaos · 16/08/2023 08:36

Firstly, get the allotment. You e waited 2 years for it.

Secondly start equalising the balance in your relationship. The amount of leisure time you each get should be comparable. Do you do more of the domestic burden? Since he is away a lot, does he step in with the chores when he's home to give you a break?

Hufflepods · 16/08/2023 08:38

You are married to a dick who doesn't respect you, what else is there to say??

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 16/08/2023 08:40

I have supported him absolutely unconditionally throughout (and will continue to do so)

Why? If you didn't do it before you must put some conditions on your support now. If it affects you then you have the right (and it is sensible!) to be clear about what you will and wont like, and what you will and wont tolerate.

I have supported this without question.

Why? As an adult you need to question the implications of his decisions when they affect you. And as his wife I'd expect him to discuss this new commitment with you because he trusts your judgment about what's good for him as well.

His immediate reaction was 'you're not having an allotment'.

Well, he is used to getting whatever he wants from you without discussion or question.

I am baffled by his lack of awareness of how unfair he's being.

See above.

To be fair - it mightbe more of a knee-jerk reaction and he may be more reasonable once he has had time to think.

Both of you need to practice proper communication. Try having a conversation with him and then go ahead instead of just silently going ahead. He is not going to understand how unfair he is being if you always react to his own decisions with "yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir" and you don't discuss things properly.

Darkacademic · 16/08/2023 08:41

@FieryCrash for the love of all that is holy, don’t contribute to “fun money”! He is having his fun money and choosing to spend it on his hobby! You spend yours on you!

Cornishclio · 16/08/2023 08:41

That's a bit of a weird response. You don't need his permission though. My husband has had a lifelong hobby which involved him going away sometimes. Now since I took early retirement I have taken up one which involves going away more than him. He has always been supportive but had he come out with a comment like your husbands my response would be to laugh or remind him he is not the boss of me. Crack on.

Isthiscorrect · 16/08/2023 08:42

Op. I'm guessing you didn't say anything last night as you were speechless at such a ridiculous statement. Lots of people here saying lights back on and discuss it then. And I understand what their saying. But I'm guessing given your shock you were speechless. At least I hope it's that and not that you just shrank back and felt unable to question his command.

Others also say about you being a martyr, I think that's possible your writing style to show you've been on his side the whole way. Do check yourself and see if you have been a bit of a doormat. You need to view yourself, your finances and your relationship with clarity.

And do come back and let us know you accepted the allotment and that you got the bottom of his ridiculousness.

Good luck.

Testina · 16/08/2023 08:45

viques · 16/08/2023 08:29

Get the allotment, ask what their policies are on spousal burial……

🤣 love this!

I don’t understand the lights out and straight to sleep comment.

I’d have turned the lights back on and told him to explain himself.

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