AIBU to think there should be something we can do about bullies

[TiredMum30]

My 12 year old daughter started secondary last Sept, she's been relentlessly bullied by the same group of boys and a few girls throughout the whole school year. We've been constantly on at the school but nothing has really been done other than they've had "words" with them, the occasional "sanctions" and the school have said they've spoken to their parents but it's continued.
We live near a large park that has a skatepark inside, most days during the holidays we've been going to the park with the dog and my DD uses the skatepark, some times this group of kids who have been bullying her have been there, but while I'm there they've mostly kept their distance from her. Maybe about 5 times I've been unable to go but have been at home so only a few min walk away so my DD has gone with her sister. A couple of times these kids have also been there and have proceeded to harass my DD and attempted to grab her skateboard out from underneath her or ran off with it and thrown it, they never bother her sister whose also in the same year. I have turned up each time and they've all ran off as soon as they've seen me approaching but the last time she went with her sister there was a physical altercation between my DD and another girl, but ultimately it came down to her word against my DD's unfortunately. My daughter was hurt.

AIBU to think that my 12 year old daughter should be able to safely go to our local park like other children her age without being harassed and bullied? And AIBU to think there should be something that can be done about them? Surely they can't just do as they please with no repercussions? I'm tempted to get the police involved however I don't want to make it worse for my DD. I've even considered switching schools or moving out of the area so she can start afresh but that would mean uprooting our other 2 children, 1 of which is taking his gcses next year. I'm just at a loss as what to do 😔

I think your DD has to stand up to them and fight her way out of it, or alternatively if it's too dangerous, homeschool/online school for some time or change schools. There's not much else you can do, you have to either confront or avoid.

YANBU and "stand up to them" is shit advice IMHO - that only works in US teen movies. Don't have an answer though - I wish I did.

YANBU-these are very insecure people, in my daughters school they give them therapy. I’m not sure if they ever listen, they are usually far to self important for that.

She often usually does which is why I think they target her, she has ASD so she struggles to regulate how she's feeling, so these kids tend to push her buttons in an attempt to get her to react. Usually if someone hits her she hits back but this time I think she was just so shocked she just took it as she was genuinely just trying to defuse the situation by asking them to leave her alone.

I just think it's ridiculous that the bullies can do as they want and nothing comes of it

I would write an email to the school Governors (if you’ve already done this, go straight to OFSTED with safeguarding concerns) detailing events and state that you expect a swift resolution otherwise you’ll take this to OFSTED if you’re not satisfied with the result. Tell them that they have a duty to safeguard your child both mentally and physically and that despite the school’s attempts to rectify the situation it has not been dealt with in a way that has stopped the bullying and you’re not satisfied with how they have dealt with this. Ask them to detail in writing the steps they are going to take to ensure the bullying stops immediately. I would attach their behaviour policy and highlight any failings on their part, in your email.

The school can also give talks on bullying and its effects etc, if it’s happening outside of school. So I would also put this forward to them and ask what they actively do in school to demonstrate that they are ‘anti-bullying.’ By all means you can get the police involved in terms of harassment - that might be the shock that these children and parents need in order to put an end to this behaviour.

My mum phoned the police when a girl was harassing me online, out in the highstreet, if I walked past her home etc. We told the police roughly where she lived (in a block of flats, but didn’t know her door number). They found her, spoke to her and she didn’t bother me after that. She was a coward and thought she could pick on me because she saw me as an easy target (quiet, reserved, low self-esteem) but soon kept her head down when she knew I wasn’t going to put up with it - having the police come to her home definitely scared her into hiding! The fact they run away when they see you, suggests they’d probably react in the same way she did, if you did phone the police. Although I understand why you would have reservations about doing this, as you can’t guarantee what their reaction will be.

The school should absolutely be doing more unfortunately it seems to be a weak area for many.

Look up ofsted new focus on bullying and read that then go back tp they school armed with it and contact ofsted.

Bullies is now a huge ofsted focus op and sometimes school do care about ofsted and do everything cutie said

That’s good advice from @CutiePatooties OP. It’s horrible.

Would you mind keeping us posted as to what action you take and what the result is?

I have a DD the same age and have been through this. We had to change schools.

I have zero tolerance of bullying, and if I were you I’d escalate this with the school. Written, formal letters detailing the incidents, the action taken, consequences and effects and escalate these to the Head, the Board, the Police and the Education Authority. Insist on escalating punishments and also that your DD gets moved to another class if possible.

I’d also honestly think of changing schools.

I’d also call the police on them outside of school, but I think I’d encourage your DD not to use public spaces even if she likes to skateboard. Friends houses or activities, it’s just too horrible I think to have to go through bullying and at 12 she could just do with a few years without it. So you ultimately can do everything but keeping away is the best deterrent.

Second contact Ofsted, you can trigger an investigation yourself by reporting the bullying now on through their website.

I agree that it's terrible advice to tell kids to fight and/or stand up to them. Why should the bullies be allowed to choose the level that the victims then have to lower themselves to?

If you, as an adult, had an argument with a neighbour about, say, them ordering you not to park on the public road outside your/their house and threatening to stick nails in your tyres if you do, would you honestly, seriously come up with no better solution than to challenge them to a brawl in the street?

Unfortunately, far too many schools 'deal with' bullying by outright denying it. They have robust anti-bullying policies, but 'luckily, the school doesn't have any bullies'.

Yes, most bullies have bad home-lives and other issues themselves, and many do need help and support - but not at the expense of my child's safety and wellbeing. It genuinely wouldn't bother me at all being 'that parent' and hated by the school if it meant that my child could go to school and be free of bullies. Take charge and, if the school refuse to do anything, then governors, LEA, OFSTED, local news media, police... - go as high as you need to. If a CHILD is being subjected to conditions every day that no adult would tolerate in the workplace, why ever wouldn't you?

I explained to my child bullying usually means they have had bad childhoods or have some other issue like eating disorders, are being abused themselves, or something else is going on in their lives no way makes it right but like lots in life there is a lot of things that shouldn't happen like children should be safe with their parents but just because something shouldn't happen doesn't mean it stops happening

But I also have no issue contacting the school or the police if I have too and no I don't care what people think of that if I need to I will

If she is being targeted because she is autistic, that is a disability hate crime, not "kids being kids" (bullying). The minimum age for formal prosecution of disability hate crime in the UK is 10 years old. Go to the police (and remind the school about this too). Disability Hate Crime and other crimes against disabled people - prosecution guidance | The Crown Prosecution Service (cps.gov.uk)

How many parents do you think are on mumsnet? Is it thousands or tens of thousands?
Now get more than two to admit their child is a bully?

“Prove it - it’s one child’s word against another”
“They have additional needs” - pick any random assortment of letters from the list of fashionable diagnosis
“The other child has done x,y,z”
or quite simply “fuck off”

Call ofsted ….. yes absolutely… the same organisation who punish and fail any school that excludes anyone whatsoever for any reason

But yes ….. it’s entirely the schools fault

That amazing school that has a zero tolerance for bullying is also the school that ensures no children from disadvantaged backgrounds, no child with social service involvement, no neurodivergent children, no immigrant children and limits diversity as much possible because the best chance at limiting bullying (although it still happens because that’s humans for you ) but the best chance is to endure the most homogeneous intake possible. So let’s do that then …… schools are not the problem …, parents are

Endure = endure

THIS....I agree. Why are parents never responsible?

Take her out of the schoo until you figure out what you are doing… surely. Schools are notoriously bad at dealing with bullying and forcing your DD tk out up with it daily won’t do get any favours for the future.
there must be other schools or of not home education is a great option.

I do agree with you, parents are key and often complicit/ignoring.

But we as parents can’t do anything about other parents unfortunately. Our kids have to attend school though and it’s the school’s responsibility to keep this bully free. They should push a lot of this back on parents, bringing them in for meetings and exclusions etc, the police also. How you make parents sort out their kids, I really don’t know. It’s often too late, they’ve lost control of them.

I disagree, my child has significant SEN and I’m actively seeking out a bully free school with zero tolerance, as I don’t want my child to experience this (or perpetrate it). I have found a couple that are very proactive, and if a bullying incident arises they nip it in the bud straight away and don’t let it escalate, it is possible. And these are specialist schools for kids with SEN.

I do agree with you, parents are key and often complicit/ignoring.

But we as parents can’t do anything about other parents unfortunately. Our kids have to attend school though and it’s the school’s responsibility to keep this bully free. They should push a lot of this back on parents, bringing them in for meetings and exclusions etc, the police also. How you make parents sort out their kids, I really don’t know. It’s often too late, they’ve lost control of them.

Yes, this. When I approach the school for support in stopping bullying, I'm not blaming the school for the bullying any more than I blame the police officer to whom I report a crime for actually committing that crime. It's just their job and responsibility.

I'd fully expect the school to take it straight back to the bully's parents and maybe show some 'tough love' in 'supporting' them to stop their child from being a nasty bully. And if it's gone too far for the parents to do anything, or they simply can't be arsed, then it goes higher again - social services, police, whatever.

It is a job for an adult to deal with, whichever adult ends up being the appropriate one to break through; it is not the job of my (or any) child to present themselves perpetually as an emotional and/or physical punchbag to provide (ineffectual) rehabilitative therapy for a bullying child.

You need to call the police. It's harassment.

Then have your daughter move schools

I agree you need to push the school - head, governors, ofsted, police. Everytime. I would seriously consider moving schools and I wouldn't send her to the park where she is likely to be targeted.

I would move your daughter asap. My experience has been the school will listen, but wont act. My daughter has completely changed as a result of bullying - anxious and unsure of herself. I wish i had moved her straight away.