AIBU to think there should be something we can do about bullies

[TiredMum30]

My 12 year old daughter started secondary last Sept, she's been relentlessly bullied by the same group of boys and a few girls throughout the whole school year. We've been constantly on at the school but nothing has really been done other than they've had "words" with them, the occasional "sanctions" and the school have said they've spoken to their parents but it's continued.
We live near a large park that has a skatepark inside, most days during the holidays we've been going to the park with the dog and my DD uses the skatepark, some times this group of kids who have been bullying her have been there, but while I'm there they've mostly kept their distance from her. Maybe about 5 times I've been unable to go but have been at home so only a few min walk away so my DD has gone with her sister. A couple of times these kids have also been there and have proceeded to harass my DD and attempted to grab her skateboard out from underneath her or ran off with it and thrown it, they never bother her sister whose also in the same year. I have turned up each time and they've all ran off as soon as they've seen me approaching but the last time she went with her sister there was a physical altercation between my DD and another girl, but ultimately it came down to her word against my DD's unfortunately. My daughter was hurt.

AIBU to think that my 12 year old daughter should be able to safely go to our local park like other children her age without being harassed and bullied? And AIBU to think there should be something that can be done about them? Surely they can't just do as they please with no repercussions? I'm tempted to get the police involved however I don't want to make it worse for my DD. I've even considered switching schools or moving out of the area so she can start afresh but that would mean uprooting our other 2 children, 1 of which is taking his gcses next year. I'm just at a loss as what to do 😔

I worked in a primary school where there was a case of bullying. The principal had given one child permission to stay in off yard time. The class teacher had been out of sick leave and came back to this situation and hit the roof. She couldn’t see why the victim should miss out on playtime and made a production of keeping the three bullies in instead, giving up her own lunchtime to supervise them. She also requested that their parents collect them directly from the classroom after school each day as they had been targeting this child then too.

They were very young, and all was made up after a week or so. I think it made a huge impression. Sadly she retired the following year and then the wishy washy approach prevailed. She was old school though and didn’t buy into the poor bully narrative at all.

In my dc’ school they brought in an elaborate and very impressive policy, and then the teachers failed to notice any problems at all because there were too many steps and procedures. Fantastic on paper and worse than ever in real life. I went directly to the other parents when my dc had issues but in secondary I don’t have the same network.

If this were happening to one of my daughters, I would firstly track down the parents and go to their houses and have a one to one chat with them. I would warn them that I was considering involving the police and let them exactly how it was effecting my child.
I would also insist the school arrange a meeting with the parents and I so both parties have to take responsibility for what was happening to my child.

I'm sorry are you suggesting that my daughter shouldn't be allowed out to play in our local park like other children her age? Just because other children can't control their behaviour. Like I said there has only been a small handful of times that they have gone on their own and we have been going to the park almost daily for the last 4 weeks and more often then not these kids haven't been in the skatepark, so it's not unreasonable to expect them not to be there when they've been on their own. They're 12 years old and have as much right to go to our local park and be safe as any other child their age. My DD could literally go to the corner shop down the street and bump into them, so should she live as a hermit, because of these little shits. I'm actually really proud of how she's coping with it all, the first thing she asked me this morning was can we go to the park, she really enjoys learning how to skate with her skateboard and has been teaching herself tricks with YouTube, it gets her out of the house rather then sitting on the computer all day and unfortunately she can't use the skateboard in our garden.

Had the school dealt with the bullying the 1st time we complained and the 2nd, 3rd, 4th etc etc then maybe it would have been stamped out ages ago before it escalated out of school and our 12 year old daughters would be allowed to go to the local park without an adult present.

My daughter was knocked unconscious by a bully. School said they were 'playing' (they were not) and I called the police. They refused to do anything even tho my daughter had been assaulted and knocked unconscious.

Apologies for my language, I'm a little stressed 😕

Recording equipment would be your friend. Also are there any older teens in the area she could hang out with?

Had the school dealt with the bullying the 1st time we complained and the 2nd, 3rd, 4th etc etc then maybe it would have been stamped out ages ago before it escalated out of school and our 12 year old daughters would be allowed to go to the local park without an adult present.

But what can they do OP? You have more power as a parent as you don’t have to play by a rulebook. Find your courage, find the parents on Facebook or get their numbers, and send a message telling them their sons are bullying your daughter and you’ll be calling the police next time they do it. Ask them to come to your house for a meeting if they want to discuss further. Make it brusque.

Yanbu

Could you get a discreet bodycam for your daughter to wear?

Then you can approach the police with the evidence.

If they are targeting dd who has asd and not her same age sister who doesn't I'd be going to police and reporting it as a hate crime.

I'd be making damn clear they are targeting dd because she has a disability and therefore is more vulnerable.

I'd also be sending the school an email for start of term and telling them you have the police involved, exactly what has been happening and if they don't stop in in school you'll be escalating it up

I don't know where to start with this, because none of that was actually in my post.

I believe what I suggested was that PP talking about complaining to Ofsted were focussing on the wrong thing, finding someone else to blame. (Before you jump to conclusions there, this doesn't mean I blame her.)

I certainly didn't comment on what your daughter should or should not be able to do.

The fact is, they're behaving like this now and the way to deal with these incidents isn't through school a) because it's shut and nobody will actually pick this up because they're not contracted to work 24/7, b) it isn't currently happening at school and parents are in charge of children (be that bullies or victims) and c) it sounds like they don't do a good job with this even when they are open and it happens there.

Either deal directly with the parents or report to the police.

There are things that can be done, but state schools do seem to struggle.

My ds attends a small independent school and was physically attacked in an unprovoked incident last year by a boy from another year.

A teacher spotted that ds was pretty shaken up and persuaded him to say what had happened, including the threats of retribution if he 'snitched'. My ds was asked to make a written statement as to what had happened. The incident was investigated by the deputy head and other boys were asked whether they had witnessed the attack. Their statements were also taken. The aggressor was then interviewed and when confronted with the evidence, admitted that he had carried out the attack.

His parents were called into school, and it was explained that any repeat of aggressive or threatening behaviour would mean he would no longer be welcome. One strike and he's out. It hasn't recurred (so far).

If the school had not acted, I would have called the police and reported the other boy for assault. I wouldn't tolerate being assaulted at work, and I don't see why my child should be less entitled to the protection of the law.

The school have a responsibility to help when this happens AT SCHOOL. The OP was full of incidents out of school, where the parent was aware of the danger and allowed it to continue.

I may have misunderstood so I apologise if I have but OP means original poster right? I'm the OP and this is implies that I've willingly put my dd in danger, which isn't the case at all. There have been alot more in incidents in school that haven't been dealt with properly compared to the small few that has happened over the holidays. Unless this is directed at someone else, I'm not a huge mumsnet poster so I may have misunderstood somewhere and i'm not upto date with mumsnet abbreviations.

I'm sorry for your daughter OP, I've read the most recent posts and I really think the time has passed for trying to sort it out with the school.

The intimidation of them circling her is harassment, taking the skateboard is theft. They have committed real crimes. I think she needs to keep a log of what's happened and report it to the police. If this is what's going on now, imagine how much worse if might get if you don't do anything. They're not small children anymore and they need real-life consequences. If you're not confident dealing with it, then you have to report it to the police.

I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter, I really hope she's doing okay now.

The school could arrange a managed transfer for some or all this group. Or at least break their friendship gang up by changing their tutor groups?
I know of one child who was the target of a group of Year 7 vindictive bullies who had come from the same primary school, and whose parents were friends - and the school actually showed them the door at the end of the year. It was an early lesson for them that poor behaviour has undesirable consequences.

Oh gosh, i hope he's okay now! Such a relief to hear that the school dealt with it quickly. We've had non of this from my dd's school, they usually say that if it's not caught on the cctv then it's her word against theirs 😔

I wouldn't be sending her back into that school, that's for sure. Unless these bullies all got excluded (that won't happen) No matter what school puts in place, these kids will still make sure your daughters life is hell. And it will have lasting consequences. I would never send my children into a school where they were being bullied. She should be able to go to the park alone, obviously, but she can't. She has a target over her head now. It won't stop. Stand up for her and protect her from this treatment. Do whatever it takes!

I would just go straight to the police now at this point.

Give them all the names, tell them about the skateboard incident, and that your DD has special needs, so this is obviously a hate crime. Even if they aren't actually targeting her for that reason, the fact is, they are targeting someone with a disability. Advise the police how useless the school is, by failing to safeguard your daughter.

I don't know if the school is allowed to refuse to give you the governors' details, but either way, I'd also escalate it to Ofsted, or the relevant education authority - preferably with the police crime number after your visit to the police.

Hi OP, just wanted to say under the data protection act you are entitled to see all the records the school have on your daughter, so i'm not sure why they have told you the opposite. I'm guessing because its a huge pain for them as they have to redact the records (censor the other children's names). Schools usually use something like CPOMS's to hold their records. We requested our child's and it became apparent the school weren't recording the incidents.

If you know who they are, go to their house and speak with parents/them directly. Without the back up of their mates, they will probably poop their pants seeing you at the door 🫵

Do you think schools can do anything about parents? What are you expecting?

Pupils are not even excluded for violent behaviour now, so it's incredibly unlikely to remove a child from school for bullying accusations. It's very hard for schools to 'deal with' bullying as it is often secretive and therefore hardly any evidence is available. And as OP states, often occurs out with school, which the school has no power over whatsoever.

Usually comes down to one child's word against another. Sad but true.

Completely agree, there is no other setting in life where people would expected to put up with such abusive behaviour

My ds had this - took a while to sort but we got there in the end.

I contacted the school about every single incident. Emailed the details with time, date and who was involved. Asked them what was their plan to stop it happening. And at what point the bullies would be sanctioned for their behaviour.

Eventually I told them that I was keeping ds off school until I knew he was safe. They hate that because it affects their attendance figures.

I was very surprised when my ds came home one day and say he punched a boy on the playing field. I always encouraged him to handle it in any way he felt comfortable with but never expected that.

It didn't stop after the punch but I told school that unless they wanted full scale fighting in school, they needed to stop this dead.

And they did.

Don't know what to suggest but I just kept recording each incident and they knew if they didn't find a way to stop it, I would eventually escalate it to governors/police.

I really don't understand why the police don't get involved with bullying. At least when it's physical or there is stealing. Surely it's criminal behaviour. Why is it left for schools to handle?
Also the bullies should absolutely be kept in at break time / collected directly from.the classroom/ excluded if it doesn't stop.
The victims should always be the priority. I just don't understand why this isn't the case. We wouldn't put up with this as adults. It's just another example of society treating kids like 2nd class citizens.