To get rid of men from my life altogether

[montecarlo7]

I know this sounds a bit barmy but I've been doing a lot of reflecting recently and I realised that men have overwhelmingly brought negative things into my life.

I made a list of the male friends and relationships I've had in the past and I realised there were only 5 who were good men who brought something positive and there were many who harmed me. I'm almost 40 and single.

I've been raped in what I thought were safe relationships. I've been sexually assaulted on multiple occasions, both by strangers and male friends. I've been harassed and catcalled a lot. Two male friends (both partnered) I made in the last few years ended up sexually harassing me. Not the first (or second) time either. My (male) neighbour in my last home harassed me to the point I had to go to the police.

I've had partnered and married men make passes at me over and over to the point that I don't make friends with couples anymore.

The men I've hired in a business or work context have not brought much positive either.

I do have one close male friend who I trust. But I'm thinking that I'm going to have a policy of no more male friends and stop looking for relationships...I'm going to be single and accept it.

At one point I thought this has to be my fault that the men that show up in my world are not that great. But now I'm getting to age 40 I'm starting to reconsider that it's actually them.

I plan to put my energy into female friendships only. I'm in a very female centred line of work and only work with women which is nice. I stopped hiring men for other jobs e.g. around the house if I can work with a woman instead.

I gave up a hobby I had that brings me into contact with a lot of men.

I know women are not all perfect either, but here's the thing. I've never been assaulted, sexually harmed, harassed, catcalled, verbally abused, or had an unwanted pass made at me by a woman.

It's clear that some men are unsafe to be around and that's reason enough to avoid the whole lot of them.

What do you think?

I agree. I'm not going to share it but anyone strong enough look at lancs police twitter, they've released a photo of a victim of domestic violence who has allowed the photo to be shared to raise awareness. The man who did that wasn't labelled. How do women know which men will do that, which will do worse, which would do harm but less and which would do no harm at all. Anyone who has experienced trauma staying away, as much as is practical, from potentially being traumatised again because they feel safer doing that, should do it.

I think it's a great idea. So disappointing when men who you think were genuine as friends try to overstep boundaries.

Is your one good male friend aware of these things?

This is what it comes down to.

I'm not tarring them as being all bad. I'm saying many of them are sexist and behave badly. I can no longer be bothered to sort through the dross to find the good ones and include them in my life. It's too dangerous.

So we need to rid of brothers, fathers, uncles, son's, male employers/employees how does all this work?

No male relatives that I'm in contact with.

Yes. Just bit of context...we dated several years ago, only for about 3 weeks but we went back to being friends.

The only time he's been inappropriate is one time about a year ago when we were chatting on WhatsApp. We usually do a video call and I answered with audio because I was getting changed but wanted to take the call. He said "ooh let's see".

I told him off and told him if he says anything like that again it is going to ruin our friendship. He hasn't since.

He lives half way across the world so it's an online friendship only.

I have no children. I don't have any male relatives I have contact with and I work for myself in a female-dominated environment. The only guy in my business is someone who works for me that I have not a great deal of contact with and when I have, he's been very respectful. My clients work with him and love him. I think he's one of the good ones.

Agree. Very very few men have contributed anything positive to my life. Quite a few have had a negative impact.
It's a shame to have to have been attracted to my predator.

I've had similar experiences to you, OP. Including sexual assault/rape/etc in my last marriage. I've been putting off dating for almost two years, and so am still single, but dawning realisation that I don't have to have another relationship if I don't want to. We shall see but I'm certainly not ready yet.

Though I have a couple of old male friends from childhood, and my brother, who are the most decent human beings you could encounter. So I wouldn't write men off entirely.

I think they can be but don't know why that is.

I rarely use the bus except when the train is cancelled (car is slower!) but bus drivers always seem grumpy.

Yep I get you op, I was lucky to have lovely kind safe male role models in my grandad and uncles so I know first hand not all men are like that but plenty are.
I was abused by my dads family members and my mums terrible husband and subsequent boyfriends, nothing sexual thank god but physical and psychological and emotional abuse driven mostly by the fragile male ego in different ways.
Ive had 2 relationships with men where I’ve felt really loved and respected including the one im in now, if this doesn’t work out I won’t try again.
All the others from flings to long term have been abusive in one way or another from put downs, cheating, financial or emotional abuse, controlling right up to rape.
I used to have a few male friends I used to go out with for drinks, meet ups whatever but they have all come on to me for sex, pushed my boundaries and made it so uncomfortable some while also blaming me for the atmosphere for not giving them what they want.
lots of men seem to think if you smile at them or be nice to them you want to fuck them or worse wash their dirty skids and cook the dinner every night.
I was naive enough to think my men friends could see me as a human and like and respect me for my personality, intellect and having things in common. I was wrong so now I don’t bother.
That’s not a brag I’m not beautiful, it’s not about that for most of them.
The only men I freely interact with now are my partner, our teenage sons, one friend, and my grandad and even he grates me.
I’ll never make friends with a man again, I’m lucky the ones I work with are pretty decent.

Agreed. There have been studies done on this subject where criminals have been asked to choose targets based on pictures. It has nothing to do with sex of the person in the photo, size, affluence, or anything else. There are people who give off ‘victim’ vibes for lack of a better term.

In other words a big burly man could be clocked as a victim whereas a 5’ nothing woman would scream trouble to an aggressor.

They don't consciously have a checklist I'm guessing. Do you know what is it they're looking for? Something that betrays a lack of confidence?

There was a book, much talked about on here at one time, about using natural instincts to protect from potentially dangerous situations.

Doesn't sound remotely barmy, OP, it sounds very sensible. The risk factor is just too high, as you've found too often (and I am so sorry for what those scum put you through).

Oh and my mums partner is an absolute diamond, I’ve got a lot of time for him and he’s been such a good role model to my son.
really can’t fault him.
shame she and we had to deal all the shit first.

Would that be Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear?

I have read the Gift of Fear. However two of the people who raped me didn't inspire fear in any way in me.

They were both men who had been told I didn't do a certain type of sex, did it anyway, when I said 'no' they begged to continue or said 'please let me'. They continued. I freeze when in that situation where I need to fight or scream, so I expect they took me lying there frozen and barely breathing as consent. It wasn't. Both scenario same time about 15 years apart. Interesting the revictimisation thing someone mentioned above.

Neither of them were bad men. They were young men who were otherwise respectful and caring throughout the relationships I had with them but it was sex without consent nonetheless.

I think that they were just entitled and saw me as less of a person in the moment because of how they were raised by our patriarchal society that their dicks and sexual needs are oh so important.

Even the ones who mostly behave well can harm us. They aren't all predators.

Thanks OP for starting this thread, and YANBU. I’m a dog walker/trainer and I’ve just had to buy a body cam because I’m absolutely sick of men approaching me and bothering me when I’m out by myself trying to do my job. Twice in the last month two men (separate occasions) have become rude/aggressive because I told them no they couldn’t pet the dogs. One of them I was on my own with small dogs in a park, no one else around, and he got so angry at me for absolutely no reason.
Other men stare, try to initiate conversation etc, and I just want to be left in peace to do my job.
If I see a man walking towards me I will cross the street every time.

its really getting me down 😔

That sounds right. Thanks @Catsmere

YANBU. I am absolutely done with them as well.

You're welcome @holsdee!

Wow you sound so balanced and objective. 🤔So a couple of experiences with poor companies and now you label 50% of the population with the same.

You need to check yourself and really think through your view. Prejudice- pure and simple

A body cam sounds like an excellent idea.

Won't somebody think of the men?!!