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AIBU?

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Original poster

To get rid of men from my life altogether

350 replies

montecarlo7 · 15/08/2023 19:18

I know this sounds a bit barmy but I've been doing a lot of reflecting recently and I realised that men have overwhelmingly brought negative things into my life.

I made a list of the male friends and relationships I've had in the past and I realised there were only 5 who were good men who brought something positive and there were many who harmed me. I'm almost 40 and single.

I've been raped in what I thought were safe relationships. I've been sexually assaulted on multiple occasions, both by strangers and male friends. I've been harassed and catcalled a lot. Two male friends (both partnered) I made in the last few years ended up sexually harassing me. Not the first (or second) time either. My (male) neighbour in my last home harassed me to the point I had to go to the police.

I've had partnered and married men make passes at me over and over to the point that I don't make friends with couples anymore.

The men I've hired in a business or work context have not brought much positive either.

I do have one close male friend who I trust. But I'm thinking that I'm going to have a policy of no more male friends and stop looking for relationships...I'm going to be single and accept it.

At one point I thought this has to be my fault that the men that show up in my world are not that great. But now I'm getting to age 40 I'm starting to reconsider that it's actually them.

I plan to put my energy into female friendships only. I'm in a very female centred line of work and only work with women which is nice. I stopped hiring men for other jobs e.g. around the house if I can work with a woman instead.

I gave up a hobby I had that brings me into contact with a lot of men.

I know women are not all perfect either, but here's the thing. I've never been assaulted, sexually harmed, harassed, catcalled, verbally abused, or had an unwanted pass made at me by a woman.

It's clear that some men are unsafe to be around and that's reason enough to avoid the whole lot of them.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
BeggyMitchell · 16/08/2023 11:02

I agree about gay men and misogyny OP. IME many really do seem to despise women.

Charrington · 16/08/2023 11:15

While not as extreme, I’ve found myself pulling back with men over the years. I’m polite but I don’t encourage anything more. There aren’t enough female trades where I am.

OP posts:
commonground · 16/08/2023 11:25

Fag Hag. Lipstick Lesbian. Tuna fish. Gay men love a misogynistic slur as much as .....well most blokes. Because they love blokes most.

When I was about 20 I had some lesbian friends who were really radical and separatist - so they would not socialise or talk to men At All - and would just about tolerate hetrosexual women.

At the time I thought they were quite extreme (even though my 20 year old self had, predictably, experienced plenty of male abuse by then). But I was also optimistic - men aren't always going to be like this - let's give them a chance....

30 years later.... and despite an amazingly lovely dad, a really decent DH and 2 cracking DSs, the crushing and depressing realisation that, oh, actually, men (in general) ARE still and probably always going to be like this....makes me crave women only spaces and feel actually pretty furious. Not least because I now also have a 20 year old DD and she gets it, she's seen it, she's lived it - and I can't pretend to her it's ever going to get better.

There's a great line in the new Barbie movie where Barbie and Ken are roller-blading along the beach and they are getting catcalls and whooping (and Barbie gets her bum pinched).

Ken says something like, he finds the attention empowering and invigorating and Barbie says something like, "that's so strange because what I'm feeling is fear..."

cero · 16/08/2023 11:28

Fag Hag. Lipstick Lesbian. Tuna fish. Gay men love a misogynistic slur as much as .....well most blokes. Because they love blokes most.

also: fruit fly

TheJRTwontLetMeBe · 16/08/2023 11:28

Women are viewed as service humans to gay men, just as they are to straight men, just without the sex entitlement.

MollyRover · 16/08/2023 11:35

Ditto about gay men. I've had my breasts grabbed by one in the past who informed me that it was fine because he was gay. And they're still physically bigger and stronger than women. My best friend is a gay man though, who while he would have more male than female friends is closer with his female friends than other men would be.

LyricalGangsta · 16/08/2023 11:39

@montecarlo7

Absolutely agree on the taking responsibility bit

msmonstera · 16/08/2023 11:44

YANBU. I'm lucky that I'm a lesbian but if I were into men I would stop dating. I also just turned 40. I have had so much street harassment from men that now I won't be in touching distance of a man I don't know. I'm saddened by how men affect how I live my live. I trust my father more than anyone but also think he's not a great husband. I have a close male (gay) friend and I love a friend's partner who is like Allan (Barbie ref), she got lucky. That's it.
A male colleague who thinks he's the boss because he has a dick just sent an email filled with spelling mistakes. Workmen in my office made a dodgy 'joke' about being trapped in the lift with me last week. The front door guy made a patronising remark about my hair. Man at yoga group last night took up three spaces and grunted throughout. It's just endless micro-aggressions and entitlement and altering your own life to keep safe from the bad ones who don't come with a warning label and even then for some poor women, it's not enough.

AbraKedavra · 16/08/2023 12:00

You're not BU. At least, not entirely unreasonable.

I don't think most people, especially women, realise just how strong a force sex drive is. IMO it's the most potent force in the world.

RocketIceLollie · 16/08/2023 12:06

Sounds like you've had a rough time with men over the years so granted you feel this way but, it's your choice if you want to tar all men as being bad.

TrishM80 · 16/08/2023 12:09

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Baldieheid · 16/08/2023 12:19

Nope, you're not unreasonable. I'm lucky, DH is everything I'd ever want in a life partner. If anything happened and I was left alone, I would remain alone. I've no interest in fitting around someone else, and we all know that's what most men expect. Women move cities. Women give up their jobs and friends to join the man in his oh so important life. Sod that.

SoNotRainbowRhythms · 16/08/2023 17:17

Yanbu. My wirk is all women and its great

MaybeSmaller · 16/08/2023 17:52

I have a couple of thoughts about this. I don't think it's unreasonable based on your experiences. But on the other hand you are always going to encounter men in public and in working life and so you need strategies to deal with them.

Do you have no positive relationships even with male relatives? e.g. a brother, or father, or grandfather if still alive? Or are they among the good men that you listed?

I made a gay friend and he kept referring to women as "bitches" and made nasty shaming comments

Gay men are among the biggest misogynists out there. Unlike straight men, they don't even need to pretend to like women just so they can get some sex.

Roselee1 · 16/08/2023 18:00

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Noicant · 16/08/2023 18:18

Yeah I don’t blame you frankly, I love my Dh, he’s not perfect but is a good human being. Otherwise I just think “the state of you” of most men these days. It’s just fucking pathetic tbh.

I’ve found a lot of gay men to be deeply misogynistic but one of my favourite people in the world is a gay man who is just bloody lovely to everyone regardless.

I said it on another thread recently but as I get older I just prefer being around women and talking to women. If anything happened to Dh I’d happily move to a woman’s only commune.

Midnightfeasts · 16/08/2023 20:37

Does anyone else find male taxi drivers and bus drivers can be rude and intimidating? I've never driven so always had to use them and lots of bad experiences.
I've had to stop getting taxis because some were being horrible to me because I was paying by card.
These are older men in their 40s and 50s I'm talking about.

TheFoz · 16/08/2023 22:52

Super interesting thread. I have to say I feel the same way, I will not have another relationship after this one ends, by whatever means that may be. I may have a FWB just for purposes of scratching the occasional itch but nothing more. I too have been the victim of childhood abuse and sexual assault as an adult and men just being overly friendly. In my 40’s now and I’m so done with that shit.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 16/08/2023 23:24

Had a male friend for 30 years but only recently have l reqlised l only ever hear from him when he wants or needs something from me.
So glad l have finally seen the light and am not deluded into thimking he is a true friend.
DH has his moments and only last week l had a random man comment (albeit positively) on my parking skills which dh couldn't understand why l was annoyed - even when l tried to explain he woukdn't have aaid a word if it had been another man parking.
Good thread op.

RoseslnTheHospital · 16/08/2023 23:48

@RocketIceLollie she's not tarring all men with the same brush. What she's quite clearly saying is that too many times she has had bad experiences with men and isn't prepared to put up with any more. As it's not possible to tell which men to avoid, the only thing to do is to minimise contact with them all.

Mumof4plusbonus · 16/08/2023 23:51

I’m a similar age and feel the same. Tbh sometimes I feel like I really hate men. Which is hard to reconcile with all sons who are my favourite people in the world. How do you reconcile that? After all all these men are some woman’s child. I feel like I’m raising them decently but I’m sure their mums did too. What’s left of my heart will break if they aren’t.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 16/08/2023 23:52

cero · 16/08/2023 10:36

It's the same with many crimes, especially burglary, which often recurs even when people move. Look up revictimisation. In the case of sexual violence or survivors of childhood abuse it makes total sense, predators are good at what they do. They don't strike indiscriminately.

This is not to place the burden of responsibility onto the victim or suggest they are weak but surviving somehow makes some people more vulnerable.

Show quote history

Agreed. There have been studies done on this subject where criminals have been asked to choose targets based on pictures. It has nothing to do with sex of the person in the photo, size, affluence, or anything else. There are people who give off ‘victim’ vibes for lack of a better term.

In other words a big burly man could be clocked as a victim whereas a 5’ nothing woman would scream trouble to an aggressor.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 16/08/2023 23:54

To the topic at large… go for it OP if that is what makes you happy in the end. To each their own as I say.

I’ve not experienced the same things so will not write off men as a whole.

Cocopogo · 16/08/2023 23:56

I agree. I just wish I had more female friends.