To be sick of comments about the bidet

[Bidetdrama]

Dp is from a country where they use a bidet. Washing your bits after a number 2 seems to be viewed like a holy ritual by some over there, including his family.

Every time they visit UK or we visit them, there's obligatory comments and questions about the bidet and lack of it in this country. I've lost count of how many times I've been asked how we Brits keep ourselves clean without one and the grimacing faces and adjectives of disgust that inevitably follow. They basically imply we're all filthy and they're superior with their squeaky clean backsides.

At a family party last weekend his cousin came from another city. She and I got chatting and she was desperate to understand the ins and outs of British toilet hygiene. I almost felt like I was having to justify the UK's standard bathroom plumbing set up. Other family members I hadn't met before were intrigued and started gathering round to listen and comment. It was just so cringe.

I used to live in DPs country and used a bidet then so I know it's a very clean feeling. I usually have my call of nature just before my morning shower nowadays so I can still stay very clean. However, this isn't the sort of detail I want to discuss at length with DPs family!

I've said to DP I'm sick of the topic, he also gets asked about how he stays clean in the UK too. They seem obsessed with it though.

AIBU to be sick of this topic. How can I shut it down?

I like a bidet for a proper wash of the whole undercarriage and in winter (when I'm not sweaty) would mean I'd cut my showers down to every other day, saving loads of water and energy. I'd have one if I could.

That would be really unpleasant - imagine rubbing your ring with an ice pop!

I said if 'squeaky clean' is your goal - not 'comfort'!

So, then, these powerful water jets... bearing in mind that a shower usually has a screen or at least a curtain around it, to contain the water, what happens with all the excess water that ricochets off your nether regions? Presumably, if you only aimed it directly inside your hole at very close distance, you'd never shift any of the outer-ring residue or cling-ons?

Do you ever run the risk of scooshing the person in the next cubicle if you accidentally direct it upwards and press the trigger before aiming it at your own bullseye? Also, is it one-temperature-fits-all, or is there an adjuster knob, like on a shower?

Same. I love bidets.

Maybe use the comment by PJ O Rouke on the French love of bidets : maybe if you were as bothered as much about keeping the rest of yourself clean, you’d smell better .
Obviously be prepared for divorce afterwards.

In the nicest possible way you are overthinking this!

Now I have even more questions. I'm trying to figure out how you'd get water from a jug to the target.

I loved my bidet when I lived in Spain. I used it for everything. Feet, foof, handwashing. FYI, you don't need wet wipes. You can buy Fresh X spray that turns your normal toilet roll into a wipe.

I'm dying here 😂😂😂

...and do the bum guns come in different scents/flavours, like a coffee enema (do posh places have toilet baristas, so you can order a double-strength shot of Cappucino or Americano) - or if you just like to leave the bog feeling all lemony-fresh inside before you get on with your day? I'll bet the tea tree isn't very popular except with thrill-seekers!

Tell her that, since we are British, we use a teapot. Refuse to explain further.

You run it down your arse crack, basically 🤷‍♀️

Tell them on the flip side we have toothpaste and mouthwash.

😂😂
You aim down into the toilet

@Fallingthroughclouds Yeah bums are not hands 😆 but they get itchy if not clean, leave skiddies etc..

I usually have my call of nature just before my morning shower

You can say "poo". 💩

Shut the conversation down by saying that you don’t poo and that you have the most hygienic bumhole in the world.

DM has one (80s bathroom). DS6 loves using the “foot bath”

I loved my bidet when I lived in Spain. I used it for everything. Feet, foof, handwashing.

But then you just end up with MN threads asking what on earth the sink is for in a bathroom - and will I be judged by visitors if I don't have one?!

You run it down your arse crack, basically

But that's the bit we don't get: you don't just run water on to your hands in the basin to wash them; you also have to vigorously rub them together, with soap, under the flow.

I could only see how this would work if you introduced the arse-crack stream but then got to work with a pre-soaped bottle brush as soon as it reaches the destination.

You aim down into the toilet

But what if you aren't Ronnie O'Sullivan and struggle to get the precise angle for high-pressure removal of the excess? Bearing in mind that you're having to do it all behind you, with no clear line of sight?!

I usually have my call of nature just before my morning shower

I do hope not immediately before! Nobody loves a waffle-stomper.

Or just a splodge of baby lotion!

100% this

‘I’m talking about places like France and Italy. There are no hoses alongside the toilets in as standard those countries, but most hotels and homes have bidets.’

Im not sure that most French homes have bidets now. I’ve owned two French houses with a total of five bathrooms ( not including separate loos) . One main bathroom had just been renovated when we bought it : no bidet. We did inherit a bidet in a cabinet de toilette ensuite with the master bedroom, but it only had a hand basin and the bidet, the loo was down the corridor.

When we were updating the bathrooms with loos, there were virtually no bidets in the catalogues. The plumber said when I asked about them ‘Madame, we have showers now’.

My French friend told me that bidets were used as a contraceptive device before ‘ more reliable means’. That was why they were found in en-suites , not loos.

You should be a comedian if not already 🤣

I've honestly never tried using those down on my bum hole. I must try it some time .