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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that DH didn't plan for DS's first day of school?

404 replies

AttackCherubim · 15/08/2023 11:33

DS starts school tomorrow.
DH works in IT for a large company with multiple offices across the country.
They put a new program in place over the weekend but discovered Monday it wasn't working properly.
DH is now claiming he might need to miss DS's first day to work to fix it.
I am annoyed, and he accused me of "minimising his job"

I pointed out that he has had months to book annual leave, there are more than just him and his team, and if my friends husband can make it back from army deployment for their child's first day, he can take the morning off work.
AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:
NoTouch · 15/08/2023 13:11

Good luck for the first day at school tomorrow and the coming weeks.

The first day can be overwhelming for dc and imo it would be much better to be less hyped up by everyone taking days off and making such a big deal waving them off. It is spectacularly the most OTT selfish day of parenting I have ever seen. Full multi generations of families showing up, performance parenting, picture taking - instagram/facebook moments and no actual awareness of either their own dc or the other very overwhelmed young children around them. I honestly think schools should restrict to one parent and no cameras in the school.

With ds day 3 was the big problem not day 1. He ran out the queue and sobbing point blank refused to go in, eventually got out of him something about opening his banana at the wrong time the day before, he hadn't got a telling off, and he couldn't explain why it was wrong, it was just wrong Confused Think it was just a couple of very overwhelming days with everything so new.

londonrach · 15/08/2023 13:11

Yabu. I don't think anyone of my DD friends had both parents at the first drop off. People have to work.

JudgeJ · 15/08/2023 13:12

I get is that your family and supporting you is not a priority for your DH compared to his work and this is just one instance of it.

What trash! He is supporting his family all the way by going to work every day. When people take these random days off for no good reason guuess whose names would top a list of potential redundancies should the need arise.

Tiddlywinks63 · 15/08/2023 13:12

Goshdarnitgoofy · 15/08/2023 12:10

I’ll go against the grain and say I agree with you.

Both me and my husband have booked the day off for my sons first day tomorrow. In fact, we have other families coming to wave him off too. Also - don’t kids finish at mid day on the first day? My son does so we are doing a family lunch to celebrate.

Bloody ridiculous.
At DGSs school parents are requested to only have one parson dropping off/ collecting from school because of the utter chaos with everyone trying to take photos etc. it was getting ridiculous.

londonrach · 15/08/2023 13:12

What @notouch said..... Low key hence why on DD first time only one parent was there.

HarrietJet · 15/08/2023 13:13

Goshdarnitgoofy · 15/08/2023 13:04

It’s literally in 24 hours. My kid asks me what is happening all week - so I explain various things.

I don’t think that is uncommon?

Show quote history

Fair comment. I had (wrongly) assumed this was the usual 5th September start.

Elspethelf · 15/08/2023 13:13

I’d be annoyed OP because it’s important to you and you asked he take the time off ages ago. Wanting to be prioritized when it’s important to you is not minimizing someone’s work.

WantingToEducate · 15/08/2023 13:13

You need help because DS is a “bolted”?

What do you normally do when you’re out and about without your husband to help? Or do you not go out?

So is it that you want your husband there to help you because DS is a “Bolter” or because you think it’s a special milestone that you think he should attend?

Either way, YABU.

BlastedIce · 15/08/2023 13:14

Shinyandnew1 · 15/08/2023 13:01

As someone who has taught reception for many many years, no-it really isn’t!

There’s a handful each year of children where both parents come on the first day but this isn’t the norm in any school I’ve worked at. The cases where the parents have made a massive thing out of it and the whole family turns up on the first morning are usually the ones where the child gets upset and struggles to settle!

The OP is talking about the logistics of being pregnant and having a child with additional needs though-this is very different and would have been far more useful as the reason for writing her post.

Show quote history

I have no doubt that’s how the children react to asssivr performance!

xogossipgirlxo · 15/08/2023 13:14

I don't even remember which of my parents was with me on my first day of school.

Jackienory · 15/08/2023 13:14

LinaM20 · 15/08/2023 13:08

I work for an IT company. I can only imagine the pressure that could be being put on your husband if a new program has gone wrong. It’s all hands to the pump and those colleagues might not necessarily be the correct people with the correct skills to fix it. I understand it’s annoying for you, but your husband is probably getting a lot of pressure from work too and at the end of the day, they pay the bills…

Exactly. Stop being a drama queen and deal with it.

SadlyACupOfTeaDoesNotSolveEverything · 15/08/2023 13:15

It sounds like you could really be doing with a second pair of hands for the initial few drop offs. Ideally your DH should realise this and block it out and not expect mum (aka default parent) to shoulder the load, that said he hasn’t and isn’t so could you ask a family member or trusted friend to help you?

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 15/08/2023 13:16

YABU. Autistic mum managing to get autistic child to school alone. You’re making way too big a deal of this and that will cause your DS problems more than your DH not being there.

JaukiVexnoydi · 15/08/2023 13:17

Way to dripfeed OP! YABU to start a thread with that much info missing and yabu for the main question too. I work in IT and if a big system goes down or a new system isn't working right then it's all hands on deck. Even if on annual leave - there's been times when colleagues and I are logged in remotely from poolside loungers in europe or holiday cottages in remote locations, dealing with something urgent because a customer needs it working right now. Your DH can't be there for you whenever you want and with a challenging DS and a 2nd little one on the way you need to invest in more of a support network. If you haven't got family or friends nearby you need to pay for a mothers help to come and support you.

freetheunicorn1 · 15/08/2023 13:19

You can't tell most of Scotland went back to school this week as the nice weather is back...

Thatladdo · 15/08/2023 13:20

your making a mountain out of a molehill

JudgeJ · 15/08/2023 13:23

freetheunicorn1 · 15/08/2023 13:19

You can't tell most of Scotland went back to school this week as the nice weather is back...

It used to be the norm that after the schools went back in September in England we had a couple of weeks of glorious weather, similar to the 3.25pm cloudburst just as they were finishing their day.

Crochetablanket · 15/08/2023 13:23

I get you want him to support your son on his first day and take your point that you will need his help .

…. but what will happen after 9 am ? Surely you don’t need him to take the whole day off just half an hour in the morning.

JenWillsiam · 15/08/2023 13:24

Maray1967 · 15/08/2023 12:57

Presumably being heavily pregnant she needs her DH’s help in case DS kicks off due to the unfamiliarity of school.

OP, I understand your concern now I’ve read your later post but my initial response was to wonder what the fuss was about. My Dh did not see our two start school. I took a photo and walked them there and that was that.

If you’re worried that DS might run off or become very angry, is there anyone else who can help?

Show quote history

And day 2? Relying on a system that isn’t sustainable is the worst thing you can do for situations like this.

WimbyAce · 15/08/2023 13:24

My other half didn't go, I just took her. I know some of the other parents went together but it's not a big deal tbh.

buckingmad · 15/08/2023 13:26

Huge drip feed OP. But you're unreasonable to use a friends military husband as an example. There will be hundreds of serving personnel who HAVE missed first days, births etc. They got very lucky that there was an option of a tour finishing early and that they then got it.

EasterIssland · 15/08/2023 13:26

I do think you’re over reacting. I understand it’s an important day for your son but sometimes there are priorities. If he works for IT and the team decided to release the product on Monday and this is not going up to plan trust me missing your child’s first day in the school is the least of their problems. Sorry but it works this way. Most of the time things go well but if they don’t then shit happens and sometimes you e to say no to other important things as well

Goldbar · 15/08/2023 13:27

Elspethelf · 15/08/2023 13:13

I’d be annoyed OP because it’s important to you and you asked he take the time off ages ago. Wanting to be prioritized when it’s important to you is not minimizing someone’s work.

I agree.

FloweryName · 15/08/2023 13:27

Normally I’d say it was a good thing for only one parent to do first day drop off because it’s already a big deal for children without parents turning it into even more of a drama. First mornings should be as relaxed and as low key as possible. I think it’s quite selfish and small minded of parents to make a big fuss out of first day at school. It does the child no favours and is all about the parents wanting a mini event.

In your circumstances though OP, wanting your DH there is totally understandable, but not essential. There should be staff from the school there ready to help. They will be well used to bolters and will expect some children to need support to transition into school.

Puffypuffin · 15/08/2023 13:28

AttackCherubim · 15/08/2023 11:39

Too much of a drip feed, DS is autistic, and we have to fight to get him his place in the specialist school.
It is a major milestone for him, we do not know how he will cope and being heavily pregnant I could use DHs help

Yes, that is quite the drip feed.

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