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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that DH didn't plan for DS's first day of school?

404 replies

AttackCherubim · 15/08/2023 11:33

DS starts school tomorrow.
DH works in IT for a large company with multiple offices across the country.
They put a new program in place over the weekend but discovered Monday it wasn't working properly.
DH is now claiming he might need to miss DS's first day to work to fix it.
I am annoyed, and he accused me of "minimising his job"

I pointed out that he has had months to book annual leave, there are more than just him and his team, and if my friends husband can make it back from army deployment for their child's first day, he can take the morning off work.
AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:
EeyoreNeedsABalloon · 15/08/2023 13:29

Where do you live, OP? Your local LA sounds a heck of a lot better than ours!
Im envious that you got an ASD diagnosis, EHCP and confirm specialist place in time for reception.
We waited 18 months for a diagnosis, it’s been another year fighting the LA for a specialist place, and even longer now that we are waiting for a tribunal hearing date.
Our child hasnt even had his own first day at school yet because we are still fighting for a suitable place.

MeadAndPie · 15/08/2023 13:29

There should be staff from the school there ready to help. They will be well used to bolters and will expect some children to need support to transition into school.

If you are really worried can you contact the school prior - and just ask about extra awareness first few days though I'm sure they've encountered similar issues.

CaptainMyCaptain · 15/08/2023 13:32

PensionPuzzle · 15/08/2023 11:36

I'm missing my DD's first day, I'm a teacher so no annual leave, what would you say to me about that? And all the other children who won't have both parents waving them off and making a big fuss about something which would be much better done low-key anyway?

This. I also missed sports days, special assemblies etc. She can't have been that badly affected as she became a teacher herself.

TerfTalking · 15/08/2023 13:35

Oh OP, I know you must be disappointed but hand on heart, despite me being there at both my DC's first days at school for drop off and pick up, I cannot remember a second of either.

And neither can they 😀

JussathoB · 15/08/2023 13:38

There will be plenty of days at school and plenty of first days back after holidays or new school year. It’s not a good idea to make such a big thing out of this one day. This kind of thing creates anxiety for children and is unhelpful. It’s disappointing for you OP but if you can just be calm and encouraging then no harm will be done. As long as you can take your child in his first day, I’m sure the dad can show plenty of interest over the first few days and weeks and hopefully both parents can support DC in learning and coping at school throughout all the next few years. It’s not all about the first day. Hope your child settles in well.

Ozziedream · 15/08/2023 13:39

my ds has autism and dd numerous additional needs. Never thought of getting dh to book time off work if I could physically handle things even if it would have been much easier to have 2 adults.

I missed ds1’s first birthday as I was on a work trip. My mind also boggles when people get their partner to accompany them to first (and subsequent) immunisations. Maybe I’m just not very motherly.

Workquestion11 · 15/08/2023 13:39

3luckystars · 15/08/2023 11:42

Fair enough you actually needed him there but if he has to work, he has to work.

Where in the name of God are you if school is starting tomorrow and it’s not even half way through August?

Some schools in Scotland went back today

Silvers11 · 15/08/2023 13:41

Where in the name of God are you if school is starting tomorrow and it’s not even half way through August?

Probably Scotland. Some kids here back to today and the rest will be back tomorrow or Wednesday

Flakey99 · 15/08/2023 13:42

Goshdarnitgoofy · 15/08/2023 12:10

I’ll go against the grain and say I agree with you.

Both me and my husband have booked the day off for my sons first day tomorrow. In fact, we have other families coming to wave him off too. Also - don’t kids finish at mid day on the first day? My son does so we are doing a family lunch to celebrate.

Are you American because this sounds like a right performance! 🤦🏻‍♀️😱😂😂

Workquestion11 · 15/08/2023 13:44

Me and my DP took the day off for my daughter's first day going in.
Lots of grandparents today, most kids starting school for the first time had 3/4 family members there

AccountantMum · 15/08/2023 13:45

Do you also work? If there is something important happening at work although he may be able to ask others to cover or take annual leave if he is working somewhere he hopes for career progression / promotions/ bonus ect it is likely to help if he is around when bigger things are happening and keen to be hands on when there is a problem.

If he is helping to support your family with his job then I wouldn't be annoyed with him at all - you are both doing what you can for your family that day.

It's also possible he would like to be there but knows he has to be at work - I have had to miss things things that are important to my kids - and their dad will usually only go to events I cannot make as it's really difficult to work a full time job and go to all of these things (that all feel really important to your child at the time).

Looking on the positive side - if he has saved a day of annual leave now it means there could be another assembly / sports day / concert/ parents evening/sports match/ inset family day out ect he won't need to miss in the year.

Silvers11 · 15/08/2023 13:47

Sirzy · 15/08/2023 11:53

I think the fact he is autistic makes it all the more important to start as you mean to go on. Turning the first day into a big thing is more likely to make things harder all around

This. One of my Grandchildren is Autistic and his Mum took him on her own. He had been to see the school already and they had prepared him for it, but when it came to the 1st day it was better not to make a huge thing about it

TidyFairyTwinkle · 15/08/2023 13:49

At DGSs school parents are requested to only have one parson dropping off/ collecting from school because of the utter chaos with everyone trying to take photos etc. it was getting ridiculous

Same here. Only one adult allowed beyond the school gates. After the first week no adults beyond the school gates (unless absolutely necessary if some child is kicking off). After that the upset child realises they're the only one doing this and that usually sorts it.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 15/08/2023 13:49

HarrietJet · 15/08/2023 11:40

Help with what, though? Whether he copes well or not, the staff will be there to manage him, you won't be expected (or indeed allowed) to stay?

Show quote history

This.

I know this is a big deal for you but you have to just leave them and leave school to get on with it. They know what they’re doing. It is annoying when blokes don’t get themselves organised enough and yes he should have booked the leave ages ago if you wanted him to have the time off but it is what it is no point labouring it. He’ll be fine

TooOldForThisNonsense · 15/08/2023 13:55

3luckystars · 15/08/2023 11:42

Fair enough you actually needed him there but if he has to work, he has to work.

Where in the name of God are you if school is starting tomorrow and it’s not even half way through August?

Scotland. Mine are back tomorrow

PARunnerGirl · 15/08/2023 13:55

JanieEyre · 15/08/2023 13:01

Weren't you here last year?

Show quote history

@JanieEyre I don’t know what this means. Was I in Scotland last year?

TidyFairyTwinkle · 15/08/2023 13:59

Having a dd myself who went to a special school, therefore had school transport, I think the most sensible suggestion is to wait until day 2 when the transport is available. Dd didn't have transport for the first few weeks as it was all a bit disorganised so I took her myself. But if I had felt I couldn't manage her I'd have waited for transport to kick in. Dh couldn't have helped as he worked away Mon to Fri.

tescocreditcard · 15/08/2023 14:00

Yanbu - we always made the first and last day of every term a special occasion with myself and DH going plus both sets of grandparents and godparents and afterwards we'd go to Harrods for afternoon tea.

TidyFairyTwinkle · 15/08/2023 14:01

Yanbu - we always made the first and last day of every term a special occasion with myself and DH going plus both sets of grandparents and godparents and afterwards we'd go to Harrods for afternoon tea

🙂

BlastedIce · 15/08/2023 14:02

tescocreditcard · 15/08/2023 14:00

Yanbu - we always made the first and last day of every term a special occasion with myself and DH going plus both sets of grandparents and godparents and afterwards we'd go to Harrods for afternoon tea.

🤣🤣

Hbh17 · 15/08/2023 14:05

Work is always going to be more important than a kid going to school, first day or not. Use your common sense on this, OP!

UghStopSnoring · 15/08/2023 14:13

tescocreditcard · 15/08/2023 14:00

Yanbu - we always made the first and last day of every term a special occasion with myself and DH going plus both sets of grandparents and godparents and afterwards we'd go to Harrods for afternoon tea.

Hope you kept it up for sixth form. Consistency is important for kids ;-)

PackettInn · 15/08/2023 14:17

YABU. You'll probably still be pregnant for the rest of this week so what're you going to do about the next days when your husband isn't around.

Honestly, this is all so OTT / PFB

Perthsmurf · 15/08/2023 14:19

Yeah I’m not buying the drop feed either, but even if it’s true then I totally agree eith pps that you’ve got to put your trust in the staff at school. If it’s really worrying you, OP, then you need to speak to the school. I’m not sure why you’d think that having your DP there for one day was going to help or make any difference.

Sorry, but YABU

otherwayup · 15/08/2023 14:23

tescocreditcard · 15/08/2023 14:00

Yanbu - we always made the first and last day of every term a special occasion with myself and DH going plus both sets of grandparents and godparents and afterwards we'd go to Harrods for afternoon tea.

Sure you did 😂